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  1. #31
    Senor Membrane
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    Quote Originally Posted by JivinJeffJones View Post
    I rarely take overtures of friendship seriously. I show very little of myself to people even in friendly settings (though probably not as little as I think), so I don't ever really think people like me when they show evidence of doing so. That prevents me from responding much to friendship initiatives from others. Instead I feel a vague, nagging guilt at having mislead someone with whatever persona I had inadvertently assumed in such a way as to deem me friendworthy. It's really a much more reasonable guilt than it probably sounds like, I swear.
    To me your guilt seems reasonable. I sometimes do the same with people I don't know well, then I wonder how I mislead them. But, it gets old if you do it all the time.

    Quote Originally Posted by JivinJeffJones View Post
    I've never really needed to for most of my life. I've had all the friends I needed or wanted. Honestly.
    Yeah, I believe you. It is funny how we have this wall that keeps us from people, and still we can be quite happy with just the few that get through.

    Quote Originally Posted by Orangey View Post
    It boils down, I think, to a general distrust of people. If I trusted that people would not (1) use the information that I give them against me at a later time, or (2) reject me outright, then I'd probably be less aloof. As it is, I cannot seem to overcome either of those two fears (with #2 being especially present).

    I'd say that it's probably some sort of pan-introvert (unhealthy) behavior.
    Could we narrow it down and say that it is an IN behavior? The I makes you want to protect yourself from outside and the N makes you "imagine" the worst case scenarios rather than really seeing that there is no reason to assume the worst.

  2. #32
    Member Brooke's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nolla View Post

    Could we narrow it down and say that it is an IN behavior? The I makes you want to protect yourself from outside and the N makes you "imagine" the worst case scenarios rather than really seeing that there is no reason to assume the worst.

    I agree with it being IN behavior, because I absolutely have those fears. Combined with that I have now established myself in this persona (with my family) of whoever it is that they want me to be, as opposed to who I actually am. And because I have this irrational need to protect others' views of the world, I feel like I can't change that now.
    "They all work really hard everyday and they're dissatisfied. I mean, I can be dissatisfied without hardly working at all."
    - Wonderfalls

  3. #33
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    Quote Originally Posted by heart View Post
    Have you tried telling him directly that you wonder if he is interested since you are doing all the initiating?
    I am usually very direct with people but I must admit I step much more cautiously with him.

    I have not asked him or mentioned the initiating issue. Instead am just being attentive to the times we do talk. In our conversations, although they are not frequent, we do talk for a substantial amount of time and he genuinely seems to enjoy them without trying to cut me off and hang up.

    So, instead of using the initiating element as a measure of his interest, I am using the quality and length of our conversations.

    Its been an adjustment for me to operate like this but the truth is if this is what it takes to get this INFP to be more comfortable with me, it is worth it.

    Am I on the right track?

  4. #34
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    Quote Originally Posted by Udog View Post
    Sadly, he is probably too worried about his own feelings to really consider how stressful initiating is for you.

    Undeveloped INFPs can be a bit of a pain in the ass to those that are romantically interested in us. I'm surprised anyone puts up with us!
    You are probably right in the sense that I think he assumes since I am an extrovert and that I initiate more often that I perhaps don't then go back to my corner and stress over what I did.

    But I do.

    For me the risk is worth seeing of we have a chance or not. I accept that we are different and I am hoping this is my contribution and that eventually he'll see the worth of his own in the relationship to initiate more.

  5. #35
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    Default opening up

    This is a really interesting thread. I can identify with a lot of what other people are saying, not just INFPs, either.

    I've become less concerned with rejection as I've gotten older (I'm 35), but of course, it still hurts. But it's the price of being alive, and I've started to accept the pain as important to my growth.

    I've also started to enjoy small talk. I used to think small talk was a waste of time, but now I look at it as an opportunity to test the waters. If the conversation with someone never goes beyond the weather, so what? It still feels good to have made even a small connection with someone. Not every relationship has to be deep and involve long conversations about philosophy and humanity. Not every relationship has to be close.

    I also think that as an INFP, it's very important to me to be able to make some kind of art. Artistic expression gives you a way to share your deeper feelings and thoughts with others without it being "you" on the line. And it gives other people permission to see your artwork and to ignore it, think about it, or engage with you over it--whatever they feel comfortable with.
    "All that you've loved is all you own." Tom Waits

  6. #36
    Senior Member Martian Manifesto's Avatar
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    Default INFP initiative

    Girlfriend (almost 6 years) is an INFP...personal initiative...not so great, but she is really working on it now...INFPs more than make up for it by having hearts of gold...

  7. #37
    Content. Content? DigitalMethod's Avatar
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    I don't mind initiating. Especially since I prefer introverted people. And when regarding romantic relationships, I am male, and am "suppose" to.

    I think what bothers me more, is that I don't know if I did it correctly... I don't know if I was positive in that person's life or not. I don't know if they enjoyed the interaction.
    I leave thinking "Oh man, I totally screwed that up, they don't like me" even if they did enjoy it, because, they don't express that feeling to me.
    One could quietly laugh at the irony that such emotionally awesome people show few emotions.
    That is regarding INFPs.
    "The life of the individual has meaning only insofar as it aids in making the life of every living thing nobler and more beautiful."
    - Albert Einstein

  8. #38
    Senior Member Noel's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nolla View Post
    We were chatting with substitute about the INFP behaviour in another post and he mentioned this feature in us. We don't initiate relationships and are careful even with close friends. I'll quote him, he sees it more clearly since he isn't in my mind. The original post can be found here --> http://www.typologycentral.com/forum...tml#post298425

    So. Do you INFPs recognize this in yourselves? Where does this behaviour come from? I want the psychology of this thing figured out.
    Let it be know that I'm quite happy with the friends I have now and do not actively seek out new friends. In regards to the topic though, I think I've become better at initiating things due to the expectations of a relationship and the loss of our group's leader (ENFJ). I think the reason I slowly integrate other people into my life is that I do not want to boggle down myself with too many obligations. This may stem from my habit of not saying no. I want to give, but do not realize there's a limit until it's too late and shut down. Also, it cuts down on my alone time - but ya know, living with a SO has made me really appreciate the times I have alone and extract energy more quickly & efficiently. So I guess that isn't a major issue.
    I may be bested in battle, but I shall never be defeated.

  9. #39
    Senior Member Noel's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DigitalMethod View Post
    I don't mind initiating. Especially since I prefer introverted people. And when regarding romantic relationships, I am male, and am "suppose" to.

    I think what bothers me more, is that I don't know if I did it correctly... I don't know if I was positive in that person's life or not. I don't know if they enjoyed the interaction.
    I leave thinking "Oh man, I totally screwed that up, they don't like me" even if they did enjoy it, because, they don't express that feeling to me.
    One could quietly laugh at the irony that such emotionally awesome people show few emotions.
    That is regarding INFPs.
    Ha. You've just encountered the 'neutral face'. I wouldn't evaluate your conversation on the basis of poorly or superbly because infps value genuineness (for the most part) higher than anything. And more than likely, the infp is tenth second guessing her/himself as well.
    I may be bested in battle, but I shall never be defeated.

  10. #40
    Member TrueHeart's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Noel View Post
    Ha. You've just encountered the 'neutral face'. I wouldn't evaluate your conversation on the basis of poorly or superbly because infps value genuineness (for the most part) higher than anything. And more than likely, the infp is tenth second guessing her/himself as well.
    I agree. Except, I would have left it as "tenth".
    "There can be no understanding between the hands and the head unless the heart acts as mediator." (Metropolis, 1927)

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