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  1. #11
    mountain surfing nomadic's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dwigie View Post
    I have to say I'm a bit confused here, you put songs on the internet sites and the people hear them thinking you're still in pain or something?
    And the songs you listen to keep remembering you of these people. So you don't want to give the message that you're not over them when you are and hope people don't take it in that "ooo I'm so in pain" when it's not about that?
    (I'm probably way off since I've never dealt with that..)
    LOL

    i am talkin about networking sites... like xanga, facebook, etc...

    i dunno, this girl i was dating would do that during our relationship, putting up these songs that was about us, and this whole time i've not been doing the same thing... mainly bc there are some exes who would get pretty pissed. especially since im still in confusion... it would be like i am toying with their feelings...

  2. #12
    Senior Member Dwigie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Modern Nomad View Post
    LOL

    i am talkin about networking sites... like xanga, facebook, etc...

    i dunno, this girl i was dating would do that during our relationship, putting up these songs that was about us, and this whole time i've not been doing the same thing... mainly bc there are some exes who would get pretty pissed. especially since im still in confusion... it would be like i am toying with their feelings...
    oooo it makes sense now. Yeah it's just weird to do that to someone
    I hate it when people try to do things like that, so lame.Well it's not like you're trying to do it with that intention so it's all good.

  3. #13
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    ModernNomad

    Here's one hug!

    I'm new at this, but learning fast! Breakups have always been SO painful and devastating for me as an ENFP. I think it's because I feel my feelings so deeply and love is so important to me.

    I send you my best wishes that your friends and family are there for you and give you the comfort you need.
    There is no way to happiness; happiness is the way. - Anonymous

    The brick walls are there for the other people. - Randy Pausch

  4. #14
    Junior Member stopandstare's Avatar
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    I think because of how deeply we feel, a part of all of our previous relationships never leaves us! Little bits of them just lodge in us and makes us what we are going forward... I find breakups difficult too, I try everything to stop them happening and but when somethings not right I will eventually give... I can never settle! I am dealing with a similar issue as yourself... am recently single again after another passionate relationship that I couldn't heal... Everything reminds me of him and it can get overwhelming at times! I've no answer but I'll give you a big hug too...

  5. #15
    Senior Member animenagai's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by stopandstare View Post
    I think because of how deeply we feel, a part of all of our previous relationships never leaves us!
    quoted for the fucking truth! i find it extremely hard to get over people. i had a crush on an ISTJ of all types for 3 years. i've been rejected a few times too but somehow, that just doesn't matter. i dream on.

    i find meaning in songs too when i have chick problems . 'what the fuck are you trying to tell me god?'

  6. #16
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    You stumbled upon the reason why I don't listen to music or at least pop after a break up. Too many love songs, it's painful.
    I have a feeling you need to talk this through with a patient friend (or a pet, pets are great for this) and really go through your thoughts and emotions. So that in the end you'll have some sort of peace..

    Getting over people is painful for me too. I like to ponder inside my head to get over it because that's natural for me. Then I just go and consentrate on friends and other things. Time heals the best usually.

  7. #17
    Senior Member Dom's Avatar
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    Don't put anything that could mean anything on facebook EVER!!! Take off your relationship status and don't put emotional status updates on...

    Trust me on this. Although it is nice to be able to do these things and send secret little messages in song lyrics to people it only makes everything worse just like you suspect. Especially if more than one person thinks it could be about them.

    If you want to say anything to either ex, then what you need to do is sit there for a few days and then either meet them and say it, or send a private message if that is too difficult. People read things so differently, talking between the lines is impossible. Especially annoying as us ENFPs find that much more comfortable.

    Facebook is a window into your life and it's one that is hard to control who looks into it, so keep important stuff off it, especially if it's conflicted.

    Also everyone who has commented on rebounds and this situation with these two exes maybe missing a point. I expect what you like and miss about each one are almost totally different things? People are right in that you started another relationship before you'd finished processing your last but no judgment here, I frankly think 97.5% of people do that. You're confused because, hey buster you really are capable of having feelings for more than one person at once. Now I've been converted from the concept of "being in love" with more than one person at once, but caring and missing certainly can come concurrently.

    DO you want to tell either of them that you made a mistake?

    If you do, why? Is it so you can try to restart the relationship or is it so they have a more complete memory of the relationship; an accurate one? I know I can drive myself nuts thinking about exes long gone and the fact that they probably see what happened in a very different light to myself, one that doesn't have accurate information about how i felt and what my intentions were!

    I have also learned that I can't and shouldn't do anything about this, sometimes people move on and they have the wrong idea, like something "slipped out" and you didn't mean it. Like thinking they would hold on when they didn't (Never say you want to leave for leverage unless you really are prepared to lose the relationship if you can't resolve the confrontation). Trying to alter this is essentially selfish, it's because we don't want to be remembered badly and even if we didn't do anythign wrong, some people can't move on without thinking that the other did somethings badly or wrong. Trying to control what people think of us after a relationship is unfair, it may make you feel better to know that they now understand how you weren't cruel or hard or whatever; but this will probably just make getting over you harder. If you do still have residual care for these people, you'll want to do whatever is required for them to get on with life again as quickly as possible, with the least baggage/scarring so don't mess with things you can't control anyway, you'll confuse them and yourself even more.

    Of course you are going to be thinking, hurt and sad about both and of course the same song could make you think of both. Feelings like life aren't tidy, especially if you are rushing about and not taking a little time to think (this I've learnt from painful experience). Notice how if you are too busy going from one thing to another the house gets in a mess? So do our personal lives. Don't mess your exs about anymore let them think what they think and you sit and work through your feelings. It will get better! You may even one day want to go back to one and discuss things or something but do NOT do that now. If you do you could merely make yourself more confused. Say you got back together with one somehow, then these residual feelings for the other would tear you up with guilt and you'll probably just make a bigger mess for yourself and them.

    Don't say anything to either of them, even though I know how hard that will be. Just carry on with whatever is now normal levels of contact.

    You left one serious relationship, and started another before having finished working things through, the feelings of loss and grief you probably felt were soothed by the embrace of the second and so you never healed yourself. When you split with the second, not only did that open its own wounds, but it also tore the healing patch off the first wounds that were never properly healed.

    A few years back I asked an older friend of mine how long it takes before you stop thinking about your exs, the ones you loved, and how it went wrong and what may have been. He told me he'd let me know once he knew, he was 55 when I asked and he still hasn't told me yet!

    NFPs I think will carry the What ifs for a very long time, it's all part of life I guess...

  8. #18
    Senior Member VanillaCat's Avatar
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    Aww, you are way cute. What's helped me is to take 3 months to myself. Realize all of the possibilities! There are sooooo many people in this world. You just have to go out there and find someone if you really want them. I wouldn't keep trying on a relationship that didn't work, unless it was because of outside factors. But if personalities and habits clash, then it's not so good.
    It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary depends on his not understanding it.

  9. #19
    mrs disregard's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Modern Nomad View Post
    my problem is that this song reminds me of both exes...

    what do i do? am i stuck like this forever? has this ever happened to anyone before? when u break up with two exes in relative close time with each other???

    fkk...... -_-
    Maybe you enjoy the feelings the song summons, but it is not really reflective of the way you feel about the relationships?

  10. #20
    mountain surfing nomadic's Avatar
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    ^ hmmm... im not sure what i actually feel about relationships. they end up different for each person. this song actually makes me think of the second ex more...now that i think about it... but i wish i felt this more about the first ex...

    Quote Originally Posted by Dom View Post
    Don't put anything that could mean anything on facebook EVER!!! Take off your relationship status and don't put emotional status updates on...

    Trust me on this. Although it is nice to be able to do these things and send secret little messages in song lyrics to people it only makes everything worse just like you suspect. Especially if more than one person thinks it could be about them.

    If you want to say anything to either ex, then what you need to do is sit there for a few days and then either meet them and say it, or send a private message if that is too difficult. People read things so differently, talking between the lines is impossible. Especially annoying as us ENFPs find that much more comfortable.

    Facebook is a window into your life and it's one that is hard to control who looks into it, so keep important stuff off it, especially if it's conflicted.

    Also everyone who has commented on rebounds and this situation with these two exes maybe missing a point. I expect what you like and miss about each one are almost totally different things? People are right in that you started another relationship before you'd finished processing your last but no judgment here, I frankly think 97.5% of people do that. You're confused because, hey buster you really are capable of having feelings for more than one person at once. Now I've been converted from the concept of "being in love" with more than one person at once, but caring and missing certainly can come concurrently.

    DO you want to tell either of them that you made a mistake?

    If you do, why? Is it so you can try to restart the relationship or is it so they have a more complete memory of the relationship; an accurate one? I know I can drive myself nuts thinking about exes long gone and the fact that they probably see what happened in a very different light to myself, one that doesn't have accurate information about how i felt and what my intentions were!

    I have also learned that I can't and shouldn't do anything about this, sometimes people move on and they have the wrong idea, like something "slipped out" and you didn't mean it. Like thinking they would hold on when they didn't (Never say you want to leave for leverage unless you really are prepared to lose the relationship if you can't resolve the confrontation). Trying to alter this is essentially selfish, it's because we don't want to be remembered badly and even if we didn't do anythign wrong, some people can't move on without thinking that the other did somethings badly or wrong. Trying to control what people think of us after a relationship is unfair, it may make you feel better to know that they now understand how you weren't cruel or hard or whatever; but this will probably just make getting over you harder. If you do still have residual care for these people, you'll want to do whatever is required for them to get on with life again as quickly as possible, with the least baggage/scarring so don't mess with things you can't control anyway, you'll confuse them and yourself even more.

    Of course you are going to be thinking, hurt and sad about both and of course the same song could make you think of both. Feelings like life aren't tidy, especially if you are rushing about and not taking a little time to think (this I've learnt from painful experience). Notice how if you are too busy going from one thing to another the house gets in a mess? So do our personal lives. Don't mess your exs about anymore let them think what they think and you sit and work through your feelings. It will get better! You may even one day want to go back to one and discuss things or something but do NOT do that now. If you do you could merely make yourself more confused. Say you got back together with one somehow, then these residual feelings for the other would tear you up with guilt and you'll probably just make a bigger mess for yourself and them.

    Don't say anything to either of them, even though I know how hard that will be. Just carry on with whatever is now normal levels of contact.

    You left one serious relationship, and started another before having finished working things through, the feelings of loss and grief you probably felt were soothed by the embrace of the second and so you never healed yourself. When you split with the second, not only did that open its own wounds, but it also tore the healing patch off the first wounds that were never properly healed.

    A few years back I asked an older friend of mine how long it takes before you stop thinking about your exs, the ones you loved, and how it went wrong and what may have been. He told me he'd let me know once he knew, he was 55 when I asked and he still hasn't told me yet!

    NFPs I think will carry the What ifs for a very long time, it's all part of life I guess...

    LOL

    man, that was a great post. thnx man. haha~

    u totally feel me on the facebook thing eh? HAHA

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