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  1. #1
    Senior Member Maabus1999's Avatar
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    Default NF's and flipping the tables on you...

    Ok, I'm just curious to all my NF friends here.

    If someone, politely stated that they thought you were unintentionally on the verge of stepping on one of their values, how would you react? Secondly, do you word things so it make the other party feel like a complete a-hole ever? I swear an ENFP just did that too me and made me feel like a complete, heartless S.O.B. by wording something in return to me to seem like she was offended. She didn't directly say it but oh could I feel it. It actually quiet frustrated me and it sorta bugs me when I try to avoid this with the most tact I can and it still happens. Course maybe this isn't a NF thing and more a women thing for confusing a guy.

    Oh seriously. This is for me:

    Anyways I'm curious what you say so I can gain some personal insight for myself to ponder over.

  2. #2
    Senior Member animenagai's Avatar
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    i would just so 'o i'm so sorry. my bad' as getting along with everyone who isn't a complete dickhead is part of my morals. i'll only make someone sound like a complete a hole if i'm REALLY pissed. i think that chick had to be a STRONG F, because i have a more midzone F/T and so i can understand that it's not always personal.

  3. #3
    Mud and rain and chaos... TickTock's Avatar
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    maybe she was just tooling you. don't show her that she's gotten to you, no comeback necessary, the best comeback is no comeback.

  4. #4
    Senior Member SquirrelTao's Avatar
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    I'm having trouble imagining any emotional reaction at all because you're being vague. Could you give me a concrete example or two?

  5. #5
    Senior Member Maabus1999's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SquirrelTao View Post
    I'm having trouble imagining any emotional reaction at all because you're being vague. Could you give me a concrete example or two?
    Not sure why an example is needed, as I'm just asking a general question about NF's reacting to people who say "you may be going too far."

    I'll indulge a bit though. If someone did something you basically thought could be seen as rude, though it seems to be unintentional (and you say so to them), how would you react?

    In the second response, it was just a really short "well I'm sorry I offended you." And that's it. The vagueness is there for me also, and that is where it feels like it is being turned on me. Maybe I was expecting more. I did try respond to that, in short politely say it was more of a "hey you need to be careful as this is something I value, but I'm not offended. Are you offended I mentioned this and how? If so, that wasn't my intention."

    My problem is I am a low T INTJ and that can cause me to go INFJ-like when I see a "offensive" issue like this between someone I'm currently interested in some form or fashion. I'm not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing because I feel like I try to fix things and ask about their feelings more. It makes me a tad apologetic though and yeah.

    But still this isn't about my issue, I'll figure it out between the two of us. No one else really can do that. I'm just curious how NF's react to character conflict since many don't like criticism. And if so, do they sometimes turn it on the person bringing it to attention?

  6. #6
    Mud and rain and chaos... TickTock's Avatar
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    If someone politely and calmly said to me, "hey man, I find that really offensive." I'd apologize for what ever I'd said. If someone said that in a way that was bitter or cutting etc. then they're using it as a way of getting at you, it's passive aggressive. So don't play the game. If someone makes you feel like an a-hole, it is them who is the real a-hole. People who like one another don't try to cut the other person down. Unless of course it's all in good humor.

  7. #7
    Senior Member SquirrelTao's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Maabus1999 View Post
    Not sure why an example is needed, as I'm just asking a general question about NF's reacting to people who say "you may be going too far."
    Okay, but I don't know you. You could value anything. My parents' neighbors value showing their horses who's boss by beating them with 2x4s when they catch them breaking out of their pasture.

    Quote Originally Posted by Maabus1999 View Post
    I'll indulge a bit though. If someone did something you basically thought could be seen as rude, though it seems to be unintentional (and you say so to them), how would you react?
    But for me, that really depends on the situation. I take multiple factors into account. My husband has a friend who is very rude but who is very childlike in many ways. This same friend has also helped us out oodles of times. He also has very weird parents who have given him a skewed view of how people live and how people treat other people. I have almost never reacted to his rudeness. It has been like water off my back. The one or two times I did react, he did not respond at all, but I almost felt as if I scared him or something. Because he was much more avoidant of me for a while. Like a child. So I'm careful. I don't want him to be uncomfortable coming over and hanging out. Besides, his relationship is with my husband, not me; and they have an understanding that goes way back into their childhood.

    Now on the other hand, there was a co-worker in my former office who was always in the middle of drama. She was power-tripping. She was doing clerical work but acting like everybody's boss. She would get so vindictive towards people who never did anything to her personally besides give her accurate feedback on how her decisions impacted their jobs. Eventually, I had enough of her. I used to sit there by her so quiet all the time, and I got tired of being around somebody so angry every single day, always complaining, yelling, slamming things around. So I talked to her boss and told him I would complain about her to the CIO if something were not done about her. I said I would get as many people in the office as I could to join me as a group. He reacted right away, to my surprise. (Turns out that a bunch of people had been complaining about her already, and he had already promised to do something about her. I think I triggered him to stop procrastinating by saying I would actually go above his head to his boss.)

    Quote Originally Posted by Maabus1999 View Post
    In the second response, it was just a really short "well I'm sorry I offended you." And that's it. The vagueness is there for me also, and that is where it feels like it is being turned on me. Maybe I was expecting more. I did try respond to that, in short politely say it was more of a "hey you need to be careful as this is something I value, but I'm not offended. Are you offended I mentioned this and how? If so, that wasn't my intention."
    I can see why her response did not satisfy you. It seems perfunctory, especially for an ENFP, who is usually a more expressive type, I believe.

    Quote Originally Posted by Maabus1999 View Post
    My problem is I am a low T INTJ and that can cause me to go INFJ-like when I see a "offensive" issue like this between someone I'm currently interested in some form or fashion. I'm not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing because I feel like I try to fix things and ask about their feelings more. It makes me a tad apologetic though and yeah.
    I think your sensitivity is a strength if you want to have a stable and successful relationship. I'm married to an INTJ and there are times when I resent him. He has a temper, but it comes out during urgent situations when I can't very well say something because we have to attend to the problem at hand. What happens is that he becomes blaming when there is an issue such as the washing machine breaking down or an electrical wire getting burnt out. I have often said nothing at all. The last time it happened I had so much resentment that I decided to say something. Turns out he did not even remember what he said to me in the heat of the moment. If I had just kept my resentment to myself and quietly acted on it, he would have been mystified as to why our relationship soured. So keep on being sensitive even though it's a pain sometimes. It's worth it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Maabus1999 View Post
    But still this isn't about my issue, I'll figure it out between the two of us. No one else really can do that. I'm just curious how NF's react to character conflict since many don't like criticism. And if so, do they sometimes turn it on the person bringing it to attention?
    I can only throw up my hands and answer, "Depends!"

  8. #8
    Senior Member mlittrell's Avatar
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    i feel like that from time to time.

    as far as ENFP's go. If their Fi function is immature they may put that off a little bit. otherwise, they might just be prodding you and trynig to get you to chill out a little. I do that with an ENTJ friend almost constantly.

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