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  1. #1
    Rubber Nipple Salesperson ladypinkington's Avatar
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    Default having problems with an ENFJ

    does anyone else experience frustrations with enfj's?

    my husband and I are going through a really hard time with an enfj relationship we have.

    there is a woman who is like a second mother to us-she has adopted us in a way-emotionally not legally- she says that my husband and I are a priority but doesn't show it in my opinion. she treats us the same as everyone else and everyone else the same as us but tells us we are more special to her- now it feels like everything she says is superficial
    and is full of bull but the thing is I don't think she even realizes it is bull

    she treats everyone like they are a priority- and so it ends up that no one is a priority really if that makes sense

    she is so spread out that she never has any time to develop our relationship

    I am so sick of all the inconsistentcies and broken promises
    all of these grand plans that never are followed through with
    it is like she gets us excited about all these possibilities but then nothing happens-

    there are times in our friendship when we want to just spend time with her and get to know her but there are always so many freaking people around several of which I don't like at all- a lot of frenemies-that we never feel like we really get to know her or her with us

    is feels so shallow and superificial

    it is hard because she is so loving and kind- to complain to her feels like an asshole thing to do because it feels like it would come across as punishing someone because they are so loving to everyone-

    I am impressed with how she can love so many people and is so inclusive- but she is so inclusive that it intrudes on the needed and missed intimacy
    and depth

    i now question anything she says- compliments and words of affirmation she gives I feel don't have any meaning because I don't feel like they are thoughtfully given- I feel like they are given just to be given to anyone and everyone so it doesn't feel like there is any meaning- it is like she is supportive just because I am human being but not because she knows who I am-it doesn't matter who is sitting in the chair all that matters is there is someone sitting there if that makes sense

    I just don't get it and neither does she
    we have tried talking to her about these kinds of things before and she appears to understand and acts like she is going to remedy the situation but she doesn't follow through- I don't know if she just tells us what we want to hear because she dislikes conflict or if she is really sincere just so fraking un self aware and out of touch with herself that she makes promises she doesn't even realize she can't keep- out of control idealism that causes cynicism for everyone else as it were

    I don't know what to do
    if I should say anything and if it would even be worth saying
    she seems to forget so easily anything that is outside her world and inner reality- it feel like it is in one ear and out the other but in a bizarre meaning well but unawaredly incapable way
    Me and hubby made an RPG Nutrition Game
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  2. #2
    mrs disregard's Avatar
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    Wow... that is EXACTLY what I went through with a best friend of mine..

    It ended really badly when she sold me down the river and remained completely oblivious to her offense the whole time like "What? Everything's great, see, I'm smiling and laughing!"

    It is sort of a sad thing to see someone like this, because my friend was such a people pleaser that she over-extended herself and was almost drowning in obligations. She could never say no..

    I would say something NOW! Be very clear about what is wrong with the situation. Don't give her the opportunity to lay the "You are so special to me, how could you think otherwise?" on you.

  3. #3
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ladypinkington View Post
    does anyone else experience frustrations with enfj's?
    I find myself and my type frustrating frequently.

    she treats everyone like they are a priority- and so it ends up that no one is a priority really if that makes sense

    she is so spread out that she never has any time to develop our relationship
    This is something endemic in the type. Our natural instinct draws us in too many directions. Those closest to us can go neglected if the ENFJ has not learned to say "no" to outside pressures and demands. It took me years to vanquish that urge, and sometimes it still comes on me unawares.

    I spend the majority of my time with my closest friends and family. I need to feel close to them and get overwhelmed by outside demands quickly.




    I am impressed with how she can love so many people and is so inclusive- but she is so inclusive that it intrudes on the needed and missed intimacy
    and depth
    She hasn't learned to say no yet.
    eNFJ 4w3 sx/so 468 tritype
    Neutral Good
    EII-Fi subtype, Ethical/Empath, Delta/Beta
    RLUEI, Choleric/Melancholic
    Inquistive/Limbic
    AIS Holland code
    Researcher: VDI-P
    Dramatic>Sensitive>Serious

  4. #4
    Senior Member miked277's Avatar
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    this very topic has been on my mind lately. good timing indeed.

  5. #5
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
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    As a teenager, it helped to have an ENFP twin and ESFP best friend there to slam the door and declare me their property.

    I will say this though - when I say I love someone, I mean it. When I say someone is special to me, I mean it.

    My ENTJ and INTJ best friends pull disappearing acts sometimes for over a month, and I don't take it personally because I know they still love me and will be back when whatever it is settles down. Funny way of showing they care, I know, but it comes with the territory. I know when they call or come over, they're going to tell me what happened. I know that I'm important to them.

    A very close ENTP friend disappeared for over two months. I couldn't reach him. He'd even called me in the hospital, told me that he was coming by to see me even when he was swamped. The 2 month disappearance did hurt me, but when he finally called, he got down on his knees and laid himself open to me. No way was I going to cut him up. I know he loves me and cares about our friendship. Two months gone would say "no" but I know better. He'd take a bullet for me - it doesn't always matter where he is.
    eNFJ 4w3 sx/so 468 tritype
    Neutral Good
    EII-Fi subtype, Ethical/Empath, Delta/Beta
    RLUEI, Choleric/Melancholic
    Inquistive/Limbic
    AIS Holland code
    Researcher: VDI-P
    Dramatic>Sensitive>Serious

  6. #6
    Plumage and Moult proteanmix's Avatar
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    Really hate to say it but this kinda comes with the territory when you're dealing with ENFJs. I wouldn't assume she is superficial or empty when she says you all are special to her. So I'm understanding the problem to be that while she says she wants a deeper relationship she's avoiding deepening the relationship which you believe is coming off as insincere.

    If you all want to deepen your relationship with her you've got to transition yourselves into her inner circle. I know I closely monitor who I let into my inner circle and she may still be unsure about how to categorize you all, but still open to getting to know you better which is why she still tries to be warm and inviting towards you. She's probably still keeping the lines of communication open because she sees a potential relationship. What do you want to happen with this relationsip/situation? Do you want to move past the politeness and into something deeper?

    Man, I really don't see a way around this. She's being generically nice. That's really the nature of Fe to do exactly that, to make people feel special and cared for and it generally extends to everybody who's not on an ENFJ's shitlist. I can see how that behavior would make some people who want to be closer to an ENFJ doubt what the nature of the relationship is. Of course you'd be a better judge of her motives...does she have any reason to be superficial towards you? I want to impress upon you that if she's not evidencing any malice that her actions are more than likely not fake, she's probably expressing her genuine desire to be inclusive.

    The times when I've moved past "being nice" towards someone in order to get closer to them I've appreciated the most when I've not been the initiator or pursuer. It's relieving to not have to be the one who's actively connecting with others; when others take the initiative and try to get closer to me. I generally don't have a problem putting myself out there like that, but sometimes you just want to sit back and relax and let other people show their interest. Maybe this is a method you could use with this ENFJ if you want to get closer to her.
    Relationships have normal ebbs and flows. They do not automatically get better and better when the participants learn more and more about each other. Instead, the participants have to work through the tensions of the relationship (the dialectic) while they learn and group themselves and a parties in a relationships. At times the relationships is very open and sharing. Other time, one or both parties to the relationship need their space, or have other concerns, and the relationship is less open. The theory posits that these cycles occur throughout the life of the relationship as the persons try to balance their needs for privacy and open relationship.
    Interpersonal Communication Theories and Concepts
    Social Penetration Theory 1
    Social Penetration Theory 2
    Social Penetration Theory 3

  7. #7
    Senior Member animenagai's Avatar
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    one of my best friends is an ENFJ. we're a brotherhood of 4 since the beginning of high school and we get along famously. however, i know exactly what you mean about ENFJ's. they treat everyone equally, and within our brotherhood, he is definitely the one who we know the least about. i would be very interested to just jump in his shoes for one day. i think everyone else has to understand that. ENFJ's genuinely care for other people. i wondered if my friend was just putting on a show to meet social expectations too, but then again, why does he put on a show? it's important to give ENFJ's the benefit of the doubt. they're genuinely good people.

  8. #8
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
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    Animenagai, I'm liking your ENFJ already!
    eNFJ 4w3 sx/so 468 tritype
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    RLUEI, Choleric/Melancholic
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    AIS Holland code
    Researcher: VDI-P
    Dramatic>Sensitive>Serious

  9. #9
    Senior Member animenagai's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PinkPiranha View Post
    Animenagai, I'm liking your ENFJ already!
    lol no kidding. he is a bit of a MR. perfect. it's so cliche . "o he's perfect, his only weakness is the fear of getting hurt". what are you, superman?:steam:

  10. #10
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
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    ahahhaha, I need to take some pointers from Superman then!
    eNFJ 4w3 sx/so 468 tritype
    Neutral Good
    EII-Fi subtype, Ethical/Empath, Delta/Beta
    RLUEI, Choleric/Melancholic
    Inquistive/Limbic
    AIS Holland code
    Researcher: VDI-P
    Dramatic>Sensitive>Serious

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