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[ENFP] What do ENFPs do when angry?

Jack Flak

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That would be a great song, if only it didn't sound like a thousand pigs dropped off the Eiffel tower!
 

RiderOnTheStorm

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^ I know right. The record version is better. I'm just waiting for someone to remake it.
 

RiderOnTheStorm

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^ Can only speak for myself here. I could never give a passive aggressive hug. I mainly feel the way that song describes in the beginning stages of anger. Irrational, impulsive, uncontrollable urges to say the things I know will hurt the most, "destructive" So trying to rationalize during this state would be ill advised. Wait for it, and I will come around. Then I will be calm and ready to talk things out, because I can not stand conflict. There is nothing imo that can not be talked out, or worked through. Unless he is, or was cheating, an abuser or anything that violated my morals.
 

CzeCze

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When I'm angry (or any emotion) it's hard for me to 'fake nice'. I don't do it. I can't. If I'm angry at you, I will not pretend that things are okay and grimace as I grudgingly shake your hand.

I feel you should honor your emotions, your self, and also other people and their personal truth as much as you can in a situation. Sometimes people just don't like each other. That's fine.

I hate passive-aggressiveness, or doing things you don't want to do because someone is 'a friend' or 'in need' and then later throwing it back in their faces when they never asked you to do such a thing.

I'm all about speak your mind as soon as something comes up that bothers you.

Honestly, anger is very exhausting and it can eat you up inside. It can also be very productive and serves a higher/another purpose but turning it into a constructive energy is also very exhausting and can take lot of higher level life skills and let's face it, most people do not have those in abundance. We're only as magnanimous as our internal limits allow us, everyone has different resources (internal/external) to deal with life, issues, and anger.

As some others have already described, ENFPs can get extremely seething and know exactly where to hurt people the most. My anger can be white hot like fire but when I'm really heated I focus it with surgical skill. It actually really activates my Te and maybe to help control my internal Fi fire, I get super analytical about exactly how to 'resolve' the issue. I get so angry it's like it burns my compassionate nerve endings and other 'nice' humanitarian things that ENFPs are known for. All I can be at that moment is angry -- though I guess that's human nature in general.

On the flip, this actually makes me very productive and all 'effect change'-ish. I think this is part of the 'idealist' motivation -- when anger at seeing injustice motivates you to change the causes. I'm very much about getting at the 'root' of the problem when I'm angry. That is the ONLY thing that will appease me. Interpersonally and otherwise, sometimes just explicitly telling the other party how I feel and why can calm me almost instantly.

I think ENFPs have the nasty habit of having anger and other 'negative' (I know, value judgement) emotions and energy go inward and seep deep into our beings.

Being angry can get me positively batty. 'Cause when I get angry, I get pretttttty stirred up. It can seriously consume me in the moment.

The only way for me to cope has been to not let things bother me so much (HAHAHHHA, tell that to an INFJ or an ENFP -- HAHAHAHAHAHA). It's like I had to sever some nerves and just like losing the acuity of one of your senses your entire quality of life diminishes -- or rather changes. Kinda like how losing your sense of smell makes your palate much weaker (can't taste food very well).

But, I haven't felt batty in a long minute, my self-esteem is higher and more stable, and my mood in general is much better. I think there's also a definite link between anger and depression because I have not felt this normal and actually pretty good in a while. So in other sense, my quality of life has improved. So it's a compromise.

Until I develop those 'higher level life skills' and expand my inner resources, this is how I'll deal with anger and things that make me angry. It's a stop-gap, but it works.
 

nomadic

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Being angry can get me positively batty. 'Cause when I get angry, I get pretttttty stirred up.

The only way for me to cope has been to not let things bother me so much (HAHAHHHA, tell that to an INFJ or an ENFP -- HAHAHAHAHAHA). It's like I had to sever some nerves and just like losing the acuity of one of your senses your entire quality of life diminishes -- or rather changes. Kinda like how losing your sense of smell makes your palate much weaker (can't taste food very well).

i haven't been angry in a long time.

well, the last time i was angry was at the dodger's management for screwing up not replacing maddux with chan ho.

but yeah, other than that... i think lately, i anticipate things that might make me angry, and find ways to deal with it, and make that event not happen, or just see that in the overall picture, it was part of a balance, not personal disrespect...
 

CzeCze

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but yeah, other than that... i think lately, i anticipate things that might make me angry, and find ways to deal with it, and make that event not happen, or just see that in the overall picture, it was part of a balance, not personal disrespect...


^^ Yeah, that's a higher level life skill. :)
 

nomadic

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:sucks in breath:

Ooooh, I wouldn't go that far.

LOLZ.

Don't worry, ENFPs are meant to be 'youthful'.

PSHHHHHHHHHH!

hmmm...

actually the other day, this guy at the gym told me to make sure i stack my weights in hearing distance of these 3 cute girls. trying to act like a "boss man". LOL!

i was like "it was like that when i got there", he was like "oh, ok". and 30 seconds later, i started shadow boxing in the mirror right in front of him, to see if he was gonna challenge me some more with a look. anyways, he didn't.

ok i guess i have a long way to go. LOL!
 

wellgollymolly

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I tend to hold back all my negative emotions until I decide whether it's worth it to be angry.

If I decide it is, I am pretty unbearable to be around. I say what I feel needs to be said to the offender (often regretting little pin pricks I could have left out later) and spend the rest of the time my feelings are still hurt talking to anyone who will listen about how angry I am.

On the bright side, I usually forget why I'm mad within an hour or two and want to go right back to being friends.

As a result, most of my friends don't take my outbursts too seriously.
 

Clownmaster

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I explode on the inside, but don't implode.

From outward appearance, my scowl appears rather defined, but in my mind i start off with an initial burst of anger and it quickly pans out into a very focused acute aggression. Unless I'm getting into a fight, that focused rage stays.

In the case of physical brutality, the explosion is no longer kept inside :p
 

Into It

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I immediately make an effort to detach a little bit and think more "NT" style. I can never truly achieve this, sure, but it's better than me just flying off the handle, which is pretty much the only other alternative. If they get me too deep or too quick, I don't think about detaching, and then I end up making some really, really poor arguments. Or I make poor arguments all of the time because I rarely care enough about something to really check my emotions and make sure I'm creating a solid case that someone doesn't have to relate to me to understand. It has to be somewhere between the one threshhold of getting worked up and the other threshold of shutting off any kind of useful thinking.
 

Lady_X

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When I get angry, I get UNCONTROLLABLE. I'd seriously do anything to anyone, and there is only a small fraction of my brain working, and telling me not to do something. Of course, afterwards, if I regretted it, I would try to fix things. But really, anger for me seems so foreign. I feel like it's the one emotion I can't effectively deal with.

What about other ENFPs?

i agree...it is so rare that i'm really angry that it's not at all cute...passion comes out in all sorts of ways i guess...
 

Amargith

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I explode and am unable to contain all that pent up passion. I yell, scream, get incredibly blunt and cynical/sarcastic and burst out in tears (crying is a form of stress-release to me). It takes me a while to get there but once there I really need to vent, and if you're the cause of it, you had better run. On the other hand, I do my very best to contain my anger if I cannot take it out on the right person, though some may leak, which I do appologize for. If I know that the anger was caused by a person that didn't mean to anger me, I will blow up nonetheless, but while I'm yelling, I will appologize for yelling (I know..its weird but it works), and say its not personal, just that this and this bugs me for this and this reason.
 
G

garbage

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I explode on the inside, but don't implode.

Usually this for me, too.


I always feel it coming on. I just try to detach and trace its source, treating it as a signal for something being wrong. Usually, anger isn't big deal for me. (Sadness, on the other hand, is.)

I've slipped up from time to time, sure.. but I usually only really yell is when I know that it's the only way to get through to the other person. You can make all of the logical and rational arguments you want.. but, sometimes, all a person understands is aggression, especially another feeler who's flying off the handle at you.

One wanted to sit and discuss an issue with me while he was all pissed off at me.. nuh uh, not like that.. I deliberately raised my voice and kicked him out of my car. Unfortunately, my plan backfired when I'd actually gotten enraged, and it took me a while to sort out the situation and then resolve the issue with him. He was over things far earlier than I was, and he was perplexed as to why I was irritated the next day :doh:

I'm slow to anger, but I'm also slow to get over it. If I'm actually angry at someone, it's hard for me to talk to them at all until I sort it out in my own mind.


When someone's irrationally angry at me, I find that they're usually looking for a temporary band-aid like an apology.. then, they get over it, think about it, and come back and apologize for their part.
 

cantuse

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First time poster here...

I'm 31 and my method for handling anger has changed over the years. When I was younger, and still today depending on the source, I would *EXPLODE* if the situation was private enough. I'd break toys, punch walls, punch myself, yell at the top of my lungs. It's frankly terrifying and I agree with the OP that during such outbursts I feel like my cognitive ability is dramatically reduced. I wouldn't equate it with "Seeing red" as much as a sort of tunnel vision which exhausting that explosive anger is the only choice your brain sees and you learn to go with it because you know you won't be able to think straight until the outburst is over. As a teenager and 20-something I pretty much accepted this as part of my nature and avoided conflicts where possible. I noticed that the explosive nature was really a 'explosively *hurtful* nature', directed at whatever triggered my anger. I've said some awful things to people close to me; granted they did provoke me, but I regret them to this day.

I still have outbursts, but they are virtually all in private. I've slowly accepted my responsibility to others to avoid confrontations that could result in them. Particularly with my wife, an ISFJ, and my mother another ENFP. The hardest part of dealing with my anger is trying to walk away from an argument or situation because it will provoke me; I find it really IRRITATING when you tell people that you need a break or you'll explode, and they continue to argue thinking that you're leaving because you don't want to discuss the problem (whatever it is).

One other thing I've noticed about being me (and maybe true of other ENFPs) is that when I'm angry, I become extremely callous. Normally I'm very respectful and courteous around even total strangers, but I couldn't care less if the kid on the television was dying of leukemia and stated so, if I was in the middle of an outburst. And I've actually done that. It's sort of like your strength at feeling and using emotions as an ENFP gets dramatically twisted by anger.

On the flipside I've talked several people out of suicide and generally do enjoy life, and based on how happy other people seem, I'm satisfied with being an ENFP.
 

scattershot

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I find it really IRRITATING when you tell people that you need a break or you'll explode, and they continue to argue thinking that you're leaving because you don't want to discuss the problem (whatever it is).

That frustrates the hell out of me. I've finally matured enough to know I need to get out of a situation before I blow up, but some people just won't let you do it. Then they get mad at you when you can't hold it in any longer and do explode on them. Damn people...I tried to warn you that was gonna happen. :doh:

And welcome - Yay, more ENFPs :D
 
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