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  1. #1
    Senior Member BluRoses's Avatar
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    Default Talking Too Much in and About Relationships

    OK, so the irony is not lost on me that I am in effect, "talking" about talking too much. Just bare with me, please?

    Basically, I am in a relationship of 3 years with a really sweet and chill INTP. We have been through a lot of life changes in our relationship that didn't have specifically to do with "us," but that have none the less had an effect on "us."

    Right now we are going through a big one and I am trying to just chill out and not worry that he is falling out of love with me, and to enjoy what we have right now. However, I seem to have a LOT of issues doing that. I would say that for the last 2 months I have asked him to have "relationship feeling talks" about 1x per month. He is calm, cool, and collected as always (and sometimes that gets a little frustrating for me) and says its fine that I want to talk to him about our relationship and feelings, etc. and that he loves me.

    So, it seems like I should be secure in us and stop worrying, but I CAN'T. I am annoyed at myself. Anyways, so has anyone else had this issue and how can I calm the freak down and just enjoy things? Any advice is appreciated!
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  2. #2
    Senior Member BluRoses's Avatar
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    OK people. I guess the answer is that I just need to shut up.

    I will try, but my head might explode in a heart splosion.
    "ENFJ- The Diplomat Champion (will take on crusades and WILL kill every last mfr in the room!)" ~Xander

    Enneagram: You are a Type 2 with a 3 wing: "The Helper Advocate"

    Your trifix is 2w3, 6w5, 1w9.

  3. #3
    Post Human Post Qlip's Avatar
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    Honestly, it just sounds like you need to have that talk, you need reassurance to feel safe. I don't think there's anything unreasonable about it, and if he's doing it, then this isn't a problem. Right?
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    Senior Member ceecee's Avatar
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    You really have to figure out why there is such a deep insecurity. You want to have the relationship conversations with him frequently to find out why this is. Except they won't likely provide the answer. That's your issue. This may be something you may want to talk to a professional about before they actually become a "we" issue.
    I like to rock n' roll all night and *part* of every day. I usually have errands... I can only rock from like 1-3.
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  5. #5
    Post Human Post Qlip's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ceecee View Post
    You really have to figure out why there is such a deep insecurity. You want to have the relationship conversations with him frequently to find out why this is. Except they won't likely provide the answer. That's your issue. This may be something you may want to talk to a professional about before they actually become a "we" issue.
    It could be this, but honestly, it may also be that she just needs a relationship with more forms of outward intimacy, relationship discussion can be something that fulfills the need, not just an 'investigation' into a problem. I couldn't say, because all I have is the O.P, but we all have different needs. If they aren't being met, it doesn't necessarily mean that there is something wrong with the person having the need.
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  6. #6
    Senior Member ceecee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Qlip View Post
    It could be this, but honestly, it may also be that she just needs a relationship with more forms of outward intimacy, relationship discussion can be something that fulfills the need, not just an 'investigation'. I couldn't say, because all I have is the O.P, but we all have different needs. If they aren't being met, it doesn't necessarily mean that there is something wrong with the person having the need.
    Understood. I'm also seeing this from my own INTJ/ENFJ relationship perspective. In no way am I saying the person having the need is wrong. But to find out what the reason is for the need could be very helpful. I don't need to have a relationship discussion often - I don't have any issue bringing up a problem when it surfaces. Not the same for my ENFJ. He had a need for that conversation often and was more prone to not bringing up problems when they surfaced. With two significantly different approaches, some issues were almost certain and we had them.

    We got some help with that in the beginning and it was incredibly helpful. It only boiled down to different communication methods, we just had to learn them. Now, I will initiate the relationship talks and he will bring up issues when they surface.
    I like to rock n' roll all night and *part* of every day. I usually have errands... I can only rock from like 1-3.
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  7. #7
    As Long As It Takes.... Redbone's Avatar
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    What would you like him to say/do and how often would you like him to say it to you?

    If you're going through a bad time right now, it may be natural to you to secure what is most important first, which is your relationship with your INTP. You know, home-base kind of thing. I would express this to him but it sounds like he may already know.
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  8. #8
    Analytical Dreamer Coriolis's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BluRoses View Post
    OK, so the irony is not lost on me that I am in effect, "talking" about talking too much. Just bare with me, please?

    Basically, I am in a relationship of 3 years with a really sweet and chill INTP. We have been through a lot of life changes in our relationship that didn't have specifically to do with "us," but that have none the less had an effect on "us."

    Right now we are going through a big one and I am trying to just chill out and not worry that he is falling out of love with me, and to enjoy what we have right now. However, I seem to have a LOT of issues doing that. I would say that for the last 2 months I have asked him to have "relationship feeling talks" about 1x per month. He is calm, cool, and collected as always (and sometimes that gets a little frustrating for me) and says its fine that I want to talk to him about our relationship and feelings, etc. and that he loves me.

    So, it seems like I should be secure in us and stop worrying, but I CAN'T. I am annoyed at myself. Anyways, so has anyone else had this issue and how can I calm the freak down and just enjoy things? Any advice is appreciated!
    This is interesting. My SO is INTP as well, and our situation tends to play out a bit differently. Obviously neither one of us is that comfortable/expert in dealing with emotions and relationship issues, but I am almost always the one to initiate relationship talks, if only because I have a stronger troubleshooting urge than he does. I see/feel a problem and want it fixed. Not only is he often reluctant to discuss, when we finally do, he will quickly become annoyed and even agitated while I remain calm, collected, and focused on the problem.

    I'm not sure any of this is of use to you. If nothing else, more data points. I probably have as much to learn from the responses you get.
    I've been called a criminal, a terrorist, and a threat to the known universe. But everything you were told is a lie. The truth is, they've taken our freedom, our home, and our future. The time has come for all humanity to take a stand...
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  9. #9
    Theta Male Julius_Van_Der_Beak's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Coriolis View Post
    This is interesting. My SO is INTP as well, and our situation tends to play out a bit differently. Obviously neither one of us is that comfortable/expert in dealing with emotions and relationship issues, but I am almost always the one to initiate relationship talks, if only because I have a stronger troubleshooting urge than he does. I see/feel a problem and want it fixed. Not only is he often reluctant to discuss, when we finally do, he will quickly become annoyed and even agitated while I remain calm, collected, and focused on the problem.

    I'm not sure any of this is of use to you. If nothing else, more data points. I probably have as much to learn from the responses you get.
    I think I'm dating a thinking type, and a self-described ambivert. She's not particularly emotionally expressive. What I love is that conflict resolution is so easy. She was mildly critical of something I did last week, which rubbed me the wrong way. I told her about my misgivings once I had calmed down internally (she had no idea that it affected me like that). I was honest , and direct, and it wasn't a big deal. We both handled it in an empathetic way and demonstrated that we both cared about each other.
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  10. #10
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BluRoses View Post
    OK people. I guess the answer is that I just need to shut up.

    I will try, but my head might explode in a heart splosion.
    Don't blame everything on yourself. I had two failed marriages with INTPs who I admired to the point of becoming completely blind to my own needs. INTPs can be distant to the point of being habitual withholders (whether intentional or not). I adored both to the full extent of my capacity, but I left the first after 15 years and becoming clinically depressed, felt like he had fallen out of love with me, and when I gently pulled away, he really didn't feel much and said so. The second one was much more complex and conflict oriented, but after six years I left because he drove me close to losing my mind. Many of my personal needs were unmet, but the pure logic convinced me to gaslight myself over and over again until I nearly lost my mind both times.

    I have my own issues, but I did learn to realize that just because someone communicates calmly, it doesn't mean they have all their shit together either. Those deeply suppressed, unconscious emotional issues get projected out onto their partner.

    I hope your situation has more lasting potential. i would just say though, that there is a reason you feel the way you do and it could be because of past pain that you keep reliving, and/or because your INTP isn't completely in the right about all of their behavior and choices in the relationship. A feeling talk once a month is quite rare, and if you feel like it has to be scheduled and controlled to that rhythm based on your partner's needs over your own, then that isn't an equal power balance. If you need 30 talks a month and he needs one, then the two of you should be having 15 talks a month. That's compromise.
    Step into my metaphysical room of mirrors.
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    So I guess it means there is trouble until the robins come
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