• You are currently viewing our forum as a guest, which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community, you will have access to additional post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), view blogs, respond to polls, upload content, and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free, so please join our community today! Just click here to register. You should turn your Ad Blocker off for this site or certain features may not work properly. If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us by clicking here.

[ENFJ] ENFJ: Talk About Yourself!

Elwin_Ransom

New member
Joined
Jun 5, 2007
Messages
71
MBTI Type
XNFJ
I'm drawn to interesting people, and I think this is most likely true of all ENFJ's. I think we're drawn to people who most people brush off as "weird" because ENFJ's often feel weird themselves.

I'm part of the crowd, yeah. I'm friends with all the popular kids, but I don't connect with them the way they connect with eachother. I just can't. I don't know how to. I feel much more at ease when I'm around someone who I don't feel like I have to impress, someone who is odd, and will appreciate me for me.

Truth be told, I think much more highly of most NTJ's that I meet than SFP's.

It's almost weird that you say this because I said something very much like it while talking with Varelse earlier. Very, very much like this.

I usually know all of the popular people, I tend to be one of the popular people, but I still end up on the outside. I would much rather talk to Varelse, and those like her, than those like myself.

Bottom line, even if I've been part of an "in crowd," I rarely ever felt like I was part of that crowd. I seem so likable (arrogance, sorry), and people usually respect me, but things seem to end there. I don't tend to get very close to others, but I'm really not sure that such is my fault.

It would seem that it isn't since I put so much effort into others, but that leaves me unsure of why it is that others (in general) don't seem to put half as much effort into me. Alas. Such is trying to understand human relationships, yes?
 

Usehername

On a mission
Joined
May 30, 2007
Messages
3,794
It would seem that it isn't since I put so much effort into others, but that leaves me unsure of why it is that others (in general) don't seem to put half as much effort into me. Alas. Such is trying to understand human relationships, yes?

Hmmm.

Last year, I knew an awesome ENFJ guy. He was older; it was entirely platonic. We got along great, but I rarely talked with him, even though we saw each other all the time the entire year.

Reasoning: Everyone loved him and went to him to talk. I just appreciated him from afar with his attitude and jokes, etc. We did talk, but rarely. I think this is entirely because of me; I didn't want to take up his time. I could see he loved going deep with others, but he got drained of it. Everyone went to him.
So for that reason, I generally avoided that ENFJ. Even though I thought he was awesome. It made me tired to see how tired he got by his upteenth discussion about some important issue. It was more of an "if I were him, I'd want personal space to just rejuvenate by myself, and I can see he's tired, so I'll just leave him alone".

Hmmm. Insight into the INTJ mind, I guess.
 

Lookin4theBestNU

New member
Joined
Apr 23, 2007
Messages
801
MBTI Type
ENFj
Enneagram
2w3
^^^^^Oddly enough it's those kind of people I enjoy talking to most. I have people who I can sense are 'appreciating me from afar' currently. I thought it was just men who had a crush of some sorts. I have paid better attention recently and noticed that there are some introverted women who do similar behaviors. I would like it if they would approach me. It's true that I'm juggling many things at one time-all the time and I appear 'busy'! However I am a very open person and if you have a question/issue/comment I will answer it. I get the feeling that I missed out on potentially great friendships due to not being as observant/taking the time as I should have.
 

proteanmix

Plumage and Moult
Joined
Apr 23, 2007
Messages
5,514
Enneagram
1w2
I've since thought about it... and after reading someone pointing out on another thread that ESFPs are "notorious" for testing as something they're not...

I'm pretty sure my intuition knows an ENFJ just like I thought I did. And I'm pretty sure these few people whom I thought weren't ENFJ are actually ESFPs. (I was in a large group and we were all tested at once when I learned about MBTI.)

Anyway. ENFJs, continue on. I could listen to you guys explain your inner thoughts/nuances/driving forces forever until I understood.

I don't know how an ENFJ and ESFP can be confused other than the fact that we're both EFs. I know I have a problem with impulsive behavior, but the ESFPs I know aren't being impulsive, they're being themselves. And they land on their feet better than what I do when they are acting impulsive. If you catch me on the weekend after a few drinks I may do a short-lived impersonation of an ESFP but that's about it.

Ah! Now that is a very significant subject to me! The smile. The smile is one of the most subtly powerful gestures in human arsenal. ;) A smile can relay a lot of things, but, for me, more often than not, it's usually a way of silently saying, "Hey, I don't know you, but here's to hoping that you have a good day anyway." Do I truly, deeply care for everyone I smile to? Not necessarily, but that doesn't mean I can't wish them well in passing. Of course, that's not my favorite usage of smiling. My favorite is the form that says, "Hey, keep your chin up. You're awesome, and I'm here for you."

Yes. I like that smile. :D

Wait, this isn't the "dissect the various forms and applications of smiles" thread. ;)

I've always liked this line from Boys of Summer:
"I see you walkin' real slow/and you're smilin' at everyone"

I like smiling at people. :D Although I've gotten some harsh glares back at me.

Okay.

When ENFJs find a socially awkward but endearing NT who obviously was drawn to the ENFJ, what do they think? What do they feel? What about when this NT is younger and they're trying to help them grow?

(I'm trying to figure out what one of my teachers thought of me way back in the day; I really liked her. I know she liked me but I want to know what she thought of me.)

I have two NT friends, one INTP the other INTJ. I don't know how we became friends, or that we were drawn to each other. The INTP was a college roommate that introduced me to MBTI. I thought she was chill and I liked how she decorated her room. We bonded over our mutual love of organizing the refrigerator. NOTE: She is much cleaner and tidier than I am, my room was a mess.

I met one unconfirmed INTJ at work, people thought he was rude and weird (he didn't do anything weird he just wasn't laughing in everyone's faces all the time) and I started small with him. I never thought he was rude; you can tell a genuinely rude and abrasive person from someone who has a low interaction threshold. If someone said hello to him, he always responded and asked how they were doing, he just (from what I could see) didn't initiate. I began by poking my head in his office every morning and saying hello, eventually we started going to Starbucks together for coffee runs. Conversation flowed from there. He began saying good morning and what not to me and we'd have lunch together. We only worked together for a few months and then he left so the friendship didn't take off. I emailed him a couple of times and got very nice responses, but I didn't want to make myself a nuisance because I wasn't sure if we were friends or not. I always emailed him and he didn't email me. I can't tell how to communicate with people very well in this format because I'm not getting any clues to continue/stop so I stopped. :(
 

Elwin_Ransom

New member
Joined
Jun 5, 2007
Messages
71
MBTI Type
XNFJ
I've always liked this line from Boys of Summer:
"I see you walkin' real slow/and you're smilin' at everyone"

I like smiling at people. :D Although I've gotten some harsh glares back at me.

"Boys of Summer"? Yes. A great song. :D

I sometimes wonder if there's a hidden agenda in my smiling. I wonder if I smile in hopes of confusing people ("Why is he smiling?" "What's his problem?" etc.).

I wonder, I'm a very inquisitive person, is that common among ENFJs? I'll say/do all sorts of weird little things just to see what kind of reactions people will have. I find that I'm utterly curious of things and how they relate to other things.
 

Usehername

On a mission
Joined
May 30, 2007
Messages
3,794
I definitely do things to see what the reaction will be. I think that's more of an NT trait, but maybe it applies to NFs too. But I think NTs will do a lot more "socially inappropriate" things than NFs. So the range of possibilities of things to is broader than NFs?

What else do NFs do? I brought up smiling; what other nuances belong to your personality, and why do you do them? What do you consciously make an effort to do in any sort of interaction; why do you do it, what kind of results does it bring you?

I liked the smiling answer. What else do you do?
 

cafe

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 19, 2007
Messages
9,827
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
9w1
Hmmm.

Last year, I knew an awesome ENFJ guy. He was older; it was entirely platonic. We got along great, but I rarely talked with him, even though we saw each other all the time the entire year.

Reasoning: Everyone loved him and went to him to talk. I just appreciated him from afar with his attitude and jokes, etc. We did talk, but rarely. I think this is entirely because of me; I didn't want to take up his time. I could see he loved going deep with others, but he got drained of it. Everyone went to him.
So for that reason, I generally avoided that ENFJ. Even though I thought he was awesome. It made me tired to see how tired he got by his upteenth discussion about some important issue. It was more of an "if I were him, I'd want personal space to just rejuvenate by myself, and I can see he's tired, so I'll just leave him alone".

Hmmm. Insight into the INTJ mind, I guess.
I am this way with my pastor.
 

Elwin_Ransom

New member
Joined
Jun 5, 2007
Messages
71
MBTI Type
XNFJ
What else do NFs do? I brought up smiling; what other nuances belong to your personality, and why do you do them? What do you consciously make an effort to do in any sort of interaction; why do you do it, what kind of results does it bring you?

I liked the smiling answer. What else do you do?

I consciously put effort into getting others to feel comfortable around me. Why? Probably because I figure that there is more to be mutually gained if they are comfortable around me than if they're uncomfortable. What's this look like? I make it a point to understand as much about everything as I can. I don't care for watching sports, but I try to keep up with team standings and season progressions since so many guys love sports. I read as much as I can. I watch as many movies as I can. I listen to as much music as I can. I try to be well versed so that I can talk about anything with anyone. I work at being able to make small talk, but I try to make it clear that I'm quite open to more serious discussions.

I actually don't know that there's a lot for me to gain from this, but it does seem to open doors for me to have a positive impact on others.

I can come up with more later if it is requested of me.
 

Lookin4theBestNU

New member
Joined
Apr 23, 2007
Messages
801
MBTI Type
ENFj
Enneagram
2w3
usehername said:
I definitely do things to see what the reaction will be. I think that's more of an NT trait, but maybe it applies to NFs too. But I think NTs will do a lot more "socially inappropriate" things than NFs. So the range of possibilities of things to is broader than NFs?

What else do NFs do? I brought up smiling; what other nuances belong to your personality, and why do you do them? What do you consciously make an effort to do in any sort of interaction; why do you do it, what kind of results does it bring you?
I have mentioned my 'experiments' to NTs before and I always get that. I test reactions all the time and it's one of my favorite 'games' you could say. You could be right that NTs will do more socially inappropriate ones than I would. I walk a fine line however.

I consciously try to use peoples names when I speak with them though it's more of just a habit now. I do it because people like to hear their names and it helps me to remember. I can't tell you how many times I have had a nice conversation with someone without knowing it. I will always remember the situation etc. they told me about. I always hope the conversation never turns to where I need to remember it! The results it brings is that most of the time people remember me fondly. I am an extrovert so making contacts is what I do. I will say that this is where ESFJs in my life have put me to shame! They seem to have a remarkable capacity to make contacts, remember names and playful banter. I know when I hang out with them that practically everywhere we go they 'know someone' :smile:! I have been told by ESFJs close to me that I am 'stuck up' even because I am more careful (?) it seems in who I want to know and talk to.

I do 'experiments' because I want to get to the underlying meaning/reasoning of why people do what they do. I was at the bookstore a few days ago and found a book of mini-experiments to do on people in the psychology section that will be mine soon! I like to single out one or two people of interest at a time and study them. I try to keep my avid interest a secret though as people will either take it the wrong way or act different. Rambling now but I hope that answered the question :D!
 

Usehername

On a mission
Joined
May 30, 2007
Messages
3,794
I'm drawn to interesting people, and I think this is most likely true of all ENFJ's. I think we're drawn to people who most people brush off as "weird" because ENFJ's often feel weird themselves.

I'm part of the crowd, yeah. I'm friends with all the popular kids, but I don't connect with them the way they connect with eachother. I just can't. I don't know how to. I feel much more at ease when I'm around someone who I don't feel like I have to impress, someone who is odd, and will appreciate me for me.

Truth be told, I think much more highly of most NTJ's that I meet than SFP's.

Well, if ENFJs often feel not "natural" in the crowds they are accepted in, how does one go about making them feel best when an NTJ or someone of the like is alone with them?

What can an NTJ do to relax you? Make you feel appreciated? Make you energized? Make you comfortable?

What ideas in particular really electrify the conversation that you have had in the past with NTJs?
 

Usehername

On a mission
Joined
May 30, 2007
Messages
3,794
I do 'experiments' because I want to get to the underlying meaning/reasoning of why people do what they do. I was at the bookstore a few days ago and found a book of mini-experiments to do on people in the psychology section that will be mine soon! I like to single out one or two people of interest at a time and study them. I try to keep my avid interest a secret though as people will either take it the wrong way or act different. Rambling now but I hope that answered the question :D!

Well, this INTJ thinks your avid interest is extremely intriguing; she has a similar one herself. (... obviously, i guess;)

I like the ENFJ ramblings. I think my most clear insights on the topic of ENFJs have come from rambling; it's the "it's so obvious I thought it was assumed" stuff that I tend to miss about people, unfortunately.
 

Usehername

On a mission
Joined
May 30, 2007
Messages
3,794
Okay: new question


What about relationships? Do females need to be Pursued to feel the guy is good for her? Do you need to be romantically hooked?

What sets you apart in your interest in men from other women's views?
 

proteanmix

Plumage and Moult
Joined
Apr 23, 2007
Messages
5,514
Enneagram
1w2
Okay: new question


What about relationships? Do females need to be Pursued to feel the guy is good for her? Do you need to be romantically hooked?

What sets you apart in your interest in men from other women's views?

With friendships I feel more confident doing the pursuing. All of my friends I have now, I was the one who took the lead. I asked them to hang out with me, or I went to hang out with them, I called them, just generally made myself available (or maybe a nuisance :rolleyes: ) until we became friends. Of course now they all love me and wouldn't know what to do with themselves if I weren't in their lives.

Romantically is a lot different although I probably exhibit the same behavior as when I'm being friendly. Like most others, I don't feel particularly more confident than other people when it comes to romantic relationships (I've only had two relationships).

I don't know if other ENFJs feel the same way, but I think I have some serious control issues. When I like someone, it throws me off so much because I usually feel like I have a grasp on most social situations and I don't have that when I'm around someone I'm attracted to. They're messing up my radar somehow.:steam: So I go closer to them, not because I like them, (although I do) but because I want to get a grip on myself so I can get back to my normal behavior. I guess being around them forces me to adjust to them. Once I feel like I'm stabilized, then I can get on with the business of liking them. :party2: I think I'm pretty obvious about how I feel about someone by this point, as long as it's reciprocated. I really don't like that initial feeling, but I like the feelings afterwards.

I don't know why I do this, this is probably the reason why I so rarely crush. I squelch it in the first stages because the above is just too much work. In my previous relationships we were already in the same social group so it really wasn't any pursuing, we were just together. I imagine it must be nice to be the recipient of someone's pursuit.

As far as feeling "hooked," I don't know. Sometimes I'll like someone because they do one thing that I think I find interested, it really doesn't have to be much. I remember during the 2004 election there was a guy I was slightly attracted to at my job and I came to work with my little "I Voted" sticker. We struck up a conversation about it and he said he didn' t vote, like he was proud of it or something. That ended the attraction right there. I like quiet and thoughtful people and I want to be around them a lot.:wubbie:
 

runvardh

にゃん
Joined
Jun 23, 2007
Messages
8,541
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
6w7
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
I like quiet and thoughtful people and I want to be around them a lot.:wubbie:

Thoughtful in what way? I've known certain subjects to be a turn on for some while a real turn off for others. Even the method of approaching these subjects gets varying responses due to preference.
 

proteanmix

Plumage and Moult
Joined
Apr 23, 2007
Messages
5,514
Enneagram
1w2
Thoughtful in what way? I've known certain subjects to be a turn on for some while a real turn off for others. Even the method of approaching these subjects gets varying responses due to preference.

Thoughtful in the way that they are aware of how their actions affect others, socially aware of what's going on in the world and not freaking oblivious to things/apathetic towards anything that doesn't affect them personally, aware of their motivations and why they do things, willing to accept that everything is not as it appears to be, and people that try to improve themselves and their environment. So maybe I should have said aware and not thoughtful. I wasn't necessarily referring to scholarly/academic thoughtful.

I'm the type of person that will run up to someone and tell them "did you know...!!" and I unrealistically expect them to see what I'm talking about as a serious matter. My local issue is the lack of affordable housing and gentrification in DC which is displacing and pricing out many residents low income residents. Just because people are poor doesn't mean they should have to accept substandard housing and unsafe neighborhoods. I rant about that constantly and while I get agreements, when I tell people to do something, get involved somehow, they get well I'm fine in my home. And then we could move onto the deteriorating quality of local school systems from there and a host of other issues, but you're so satisfied in your gated sub development. Well, when you property taxes increase and you can't afford to pay your mortgage because of the predatory lending practices that allowed you to afford your 1/2 acre brick front colonial, don't go crying the blues. You could have stopped it from reaching you when you stood up for the low income person that was displaced.

I say that to illustrate that people like turn me off, that's not being very thoughtful.
 

runvardh

にゃん
Joined
Jun 23, 2007
Messages
8,541
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
6w7
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Thoughtful in the way that they are aware of how their actions affect others, socially aware of what's going on in the world and not freaking oblivious to things/apathetic towards anything that doesn't affect them personally, aware of their motivations and why they do things, willing to accept that everything is not as it appears to be, and people that try to improve themselves and their environment. So maybe I should have said aware and not thoughtful. I wasn't necessarily referring to scholarly/academic thoughtful.

I'm the type of person that will run up to someone and tell them "did you know...!!" and I unrealistically expect them to see what I'm talking about as a serious matter. My local issue is the lack of affordable housing and gentrification in DC which is displacing and pricing out many residents low income residents. Just because people are poor doesn't mean they should have to accept substandard housing and unsafe neighborhoods. I rant about that constantly and while I get agreements, when I tell people to do something, get involved somehow, they get well I'm fine in my home. And then we could move onto the deteriorating quality of local school systems from there and a host of other issues, but you're so satisfied in your gated sub development. Well, when you property taxes increase and you can't afford to pay your mortgage because of the predatory lending practices that allowed you to afford your 1/2 acre brick front colonial, don't go crying the blues. You could have stopped it from reaching you when you stood up for the low income person that was displaced.

I say that to illustrate that people like turn me off, that's not being very thoughtful.

I just signed a pettition based on a housing problem in my area, but I see what you mean by thoughtful now. I've stopped expecting it from the vast majority since the improbability of reaching them in there "contented" state is so high.
 

spirilis

Senior Membrane
Joined
Jul 5, 2007
Messages
2,687
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
9w1
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
I always feel a sense of magnetic attraction to EFJs (the female variety), but while ESFJs send my brain through a continual "Abort, Retry, Ignore?" loop, ENFJs usually make a significant impression on me, one way or another. I usually like them and almost always have unending respect for them.

Great conversations and a good time guaranteed every time I'm hanging around or with an ENFJ ;)
 

spirilis

Senior Membrane
Joined
Jul 5, 2007
Messages
2,687
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
9w1
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
I do 'experiments' because I want to get to the underlying meaning/reasoning of why people do what they do. I was at the bookstore a few days ago and found a book of mini-experiments to do on people in the psychology section that will be mine soon! I like to single out one or two people of interest at a time and study them. I try to keep my avid interest a secret though as people will either take it the wrong way or act different. Rambling now but I hope that answered the question :D!

I am intrigued by this thread, especially this discussion of "experiments" -- I keep thinking it's probably evidence of the inferior function making its way into the behavior, an EFJ who needs to use ITP techniques to perfect their skill (experimentation, setting something in motion and deducing the innate structure and flow of whatever it is--useful for technical purposes with ISTP/INTP types, useful for social purposes with ENFJs)

I would guess ITP types do the same thing with Fe, although I can't come up with any good examples at the moment.
 

spirilis

Senior Membrane
Joined
Jul 5, 2007
Messages
2,687
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
9w1
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
It's amazing how ENFJs and INTJs feed off each other in a comical way. I know that my posts on this forum are often serious and reflective of what is inside of me (it's a safe environment) but I've been told by my ENFJ friends that I'm probably one of the most comical INTJs on the planet. I think it's the personality of the ENFJ that makes the INTJ come alive with humor. ENFJs verbalize what INTJs are thinking and then, they start feeding off each other. Creativity of thought and merriment is in abundance and it's truly a hysterical event when it all comes out......and when it's a tad bawdy, all hell breaks loose.

Funny thing is, I've found this exact experience true with ENFPs. For someone I see rarely more than 4-5 times a year, this one ENFP friend and I have come up with some of the most legendary jokes within our group of friends ;)

Maybe the similar dominant (ENFJ/P) and secondary (INTJ/P) functions playing to one another... similar perceptions, processed with different functions, or something like that ;)

I've also seen a similar style of interaction between an ESTJ and ISTJ before (Si being the operative function here, dominant in ISTJ but secondary in ESTJ)
 

substitute

New member
Joined
May 27, 2007
Messages
4,601
MBTI Type
ENTP
proteanmix said:
Thoughtful in the way that they are aware of how their actions affect others, socially aware of what's going on in the world and not freaking oblivious to things/apathetic towards anything that doesn't affect them personally, aware of their motivations and why they do things, willing to accept that everything is not as it appears to be, and people that try to improve themselves and their environment. So maybe I should have said aware and not thoughtful. I wasn't necessarily referring to scholarly/academic thoughtful...

I spend my entire life, almost all of the time that I'm not sleeping or eating, taking direct action on local issues and I work my absolute butt off - so much so that I have to pay a friend to clean my apartment cos I just don't get time to do it - because I care. And I don't get paid a penny for any of it. It doesn't seem to have earned me the respect of an ENFJ I know, though. At least, if it does, then I don't know how I'm supposed to tell, since the only 'vibe' I get from him, as to his attitude towards me, is "disapproving". He makes me feel like I'm just not doing enough, or like I'm stepping out of my 'place'.

Actually, I think one of the main communication blocks between me and ENFJ's, is that when I talk about things, I'm completely detached from 99% of what I'm saying, just throwing out ideas and wanting the other person to tell me what they think of them so I can whittle them into something half-decent. But the ENFJ's I know tend to just sit there being 'good listeners', not saying anything back, not giving any feedback, so I've no idea what they make of what I'm saying, and I feel worried that they think I actually mean the stuff I'm saying, like I'm speaking my actual opinions and stuff.

It's very difficult to maintain any kind of relationship with someone who never tells you what they think of you, your ideas, your opinions or anything you say to them. They just sit there, nodding, making non-committal noises. For all I know he could think I'm a saint and a genius - then again, he could think I'm a total idiot that's not worth trying to get through to. I've just no way of knowing.
 
Top