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[INFJ] INFJs as kids

Bunny

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I recently did a MBTI-type test tailored for kids and to my great shock received the result that my younger child might be an INFJ - same type as me. Shocked me because I had of course observed many similarities between her and myself as a child, but I did not guess - and certainly did not wish - for her to be an INFJ as well. Being INFJ is great (getting better all the time), but I frankly think life might be easier having another type.. :)

But I was wondering whether you fellow INFJs have memories of your own childhoods of behaviors/traits you believe were related to your type? Or perhaps observations of your children who you think might be INFJ? Or other types who remember "type-indicative" behaviors from your childhood?

One thing I have thought might be due to type - an extreme avoidance of hurting other's feelings, including not only people, animals but also inanimate objects: I asked my daughter which of the Disney princesses is her favorite. Her answer: All of them, because I do not want any of them to feel bad. As a child I remember having difficulties e.g choosing an apple from the fruit basket because I did not want the other apples to feel bad...

I was never much aware of how I was feeling physically, how the clothes I was wearing felt, whether I was sitting in an uncomfortable position or reading in much too weak light.. I wonder if this might be due to not relying much on sensing, either internally or outwards.

I was an avid reader, loved to spend time in the fantasy worlds of books or created by my own imagination. I also really needed the time off from reality.

These were the first childhood traits I came to think of, would love to hear yours!
 

Ene

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[MENTION=23908]Bunny[/MENTION]

I hope this isn't too long!

As a child I was very observant. I spent lots of time in a quiet little world of make believe.

Yet, I loved the world of nature. I spent hours upon hours in the woods near my home.
I took in and memorized everything about my world, and not only the natural world, but also people.

I was actually a fast runner, agile, good with animals (rode horses, raised pigs) had an incredible imagination and a rich fantasy-life. I remember being compassionate to animals and wanting all people and creatures to be treated fairly. However, I did have a vindictive side and was guilty of running over a cousin with a bike, locking a boy in a port a pottie, tying my brother up and hanging him on the wall, and beating the crap out of a snob who called my mom a bad name, among a few other things. So, I definitely had a temper.

My parents found me quaint and highly entertaining. I lived to create, was constantly developing games for other kids to play, created secret languages for them to speak and wrote character scripts to help them pretend play with me, because some of their imaginations needed assistance.

I wrote poetry, which I hid, enjoyed climbing trees, bluffs, etc., jumped out of barns, rode motorcycles, and rarely got injured. I took risks, but they were always calculated risks. I was bad at team sports due to my small size. I also had a disdain for most jocks, because I thought they were arrogant, but I was great at cross country and gymnastics. I once won a dance contest. I wrote songs and stories, dissected things and had a fascination for aquatic life and plants. I would dissect and draw the native plants found in my region.

I daydreamed a lot in school yet somehow still absorbed everything and made good grades. I took great notes, yet doodled all over my papers. I was quiet and easy to get along with, but had a fiery temper beneath the surface. I was never shy, just reserved. People sometimes mistook it for shyness or timidity.

I read a lot, dreamed of sailing the world, uncovering lost civilizations and becoming an artist/author.

Okay, hope this is what you were looking for.
 

Studmuffin23

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The basic theme of my childhood is people-pleasing. The approval of my parents, peers, and elders meant a lot to me; too much, really. I ended up spending most of my young years trying to imitate the behavior of popular people, pretending to be someone that I'm not. I try to erase that period from my mind.

Then again, I wasn't all Fe as a kid. With a passion for history, languages, geography, and ancient civilizations (becoming an archaeologist is still my dream), my parents could hardly keep me from the library; this was probably my first noticeable trait. I would take home stacks and stacks and stacks of books on these subjects and devour them on my spare time. When not reading, I would follow my parents around and passionately lecture them with this new and exciting information. They were very patient with me. When I tried to share my interests with other kids of course, they labeled me as a "weirdo". But I didn't understand this, so I often lashed out at them for being "shallow" or "ignorant" (there's that classic INFJ elitism at work). Naturally, I ended up alienating everyone, and did not have a friend again until my teen-age years. A really depressing time.

I was a Luke Skywalker-ish teen-ager; cooperative, friendly, and idealistic. My parents often talk about how much they enjoyed me at that age.

Today I'm just a bored, run-of-the-mill INFJ who lives with his parents and works as a handyman. I would probably be mistaken for an ISTP by people who don't know me very well.
 

velveteen

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I didn't have a very happy childhood, but I think the imagination and compassion that I had as a child helped me cope with it, because I could disappear into my own bubble of wild and bright fantasies at the end of the day after taking care of my alcoholic father. I was very mature for my age, learned to read properly around 3 or 4, was polite and had a very strange grown-up sense of humour, became a vegetarian at a very young age (because I didn't want to eat my friends) and I loved school (and wanted to become a surgeon or a witch, or a painter, or a teacher, or a children's book writer, or a pscyhologist etc) until I (for some reason still unknown to me) started being bullied by other kids.

I always felt misunderstood and held back as a child, and I still do.
 

Ene

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Oh, I forgot to mention that I often felt detached as a child. And I failed to answer your question about people pleasing. I DID want to please my parents. I loved them so completely, but my first four years of school were rocky. I got in trouble just about everyday of first grade, for talking, for fighting on the bus, for defying my teacher (I was very stubborn). I hated school until fifth grade then one teacher earned my trust, respect and love. Afterwards, I wanted teachers to like me. From ten years old upward, I was a pretty good kid and a decent student.
 

Z Buck McFate

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There used to be a page on INJ/Ni dom children that I found relatively accurate. It was part of the Personality Page site, and it isn't there anymore (the site is, the thing about 'types' as children isn't- and I don't know how to use that way-back machine sorcery enough to find it). But I do have this copy/pasted version:

[eta: Found the archived versions and started a different thread to compare/discuss different types' descriptions and/or how much is type related.]


INJ Traits
They have vivid imaginations
They're curious about everything, and are always asking "Why?"
They enjoy spending time one-on-one with others, rather than in large groups
They're often off in their own world, and have a dreamlike quality
They enjoy art and music
They love books, and especially enjoy fiction
They're likely to hang back and watch before participating in a social situation
They're intensely private, and don't always share their thought and feelings
They like structure and are unsettled by chaos or unplanned events
They prefer sports that focus on individual performance rather than team sports
They are perfectionists
They're serious and intense
They often seem older than they are, and may have older friends
They are original and independent, and value their uniqueness
They're not overly concerned with grades, but they want to completely understand a subject that interests them

Potential Strengths
They're usually very intelligent
They can grasp the big picture easily
They can see any far-reaching consequences of their actions
They're very resourceful
They are extremely creative and imaginative
They easily come up with good ideas
They're usually well-liked by their peers
They will completely master a subject that interests them
Their desire to be in control of themselves makes them take responsibility for their actions
They are usually confident in their ideas, and know instinctively when they are right about something

Potential Weaknesses
They have short attention spans
They get bored easily with details or routine tasks
They won't put any effort into doing something that doesn't interest them
They frequently don't hear people
Once they have made up their mind about something, they can be very stubborn about it
They ignore details
They are unsettled by change, and don't usually adapt well to new situations
They're uncomfortable and somewhat overwhelmed by large groups
They are rather unaware of their environment, and seem "out of it"
They are rather self-centered, and may be unaware of how their actions or words affect others
They can be controlling and bossy
Although they come up with ideas easily, they don't do as well implementing their ideas

INJ Learning Style
INJs are extremely curious and intellectual children who need a wide variety of mental stimulation. When they are interested in a subject, they will naturally want to know everything about it. Teachers should be prepared to point INJ children towards sources where they can learn more about the subject.

INJ children don't do well with tasks that require following prescribed steps in a plan or rote memorization. They find these kinds of things extremely boring, and they will resist doing them. They also don't like to do things repetitively. Once they have done something once, they are done with it and want to move on to the next thing. To keep things interesting for the INJ, teachers should give them the basic theory and the desired outcome, and let them figure out how to get there on their own.

Teachers should realize the INJ's weakness of not always being aware of their environment, and recognize that if an INJ didn't hear the teacher, it doesn't necessarily mean that they weren't listening. Sometimes the INJ's private world overtakes the INJ to the point that they completely tune out their environment. As much patience as possible should be shown with this characteristic. INJs will develop some control over this as they grow older.

INJs love to come up with ideas, and naturally want to put their ideas into some kind of structure or plan. They want to do this on their own, with little or no direction. They highly prize their ideas and their competence at performing their projects, and are threatened by someone giving them too much direction. This is almost an insult to the INJ, who bases a great deal of their self-esteem on their independence.

INJs thrive doing independent projects that require creativity, such as science projects or writing projects. They will probably not enjoy group projects as much, although they are likely to be fine working with one partner on a project.

Answer the INJ's many questions as thoroughly as possible. If you don't know the answer to a question, be honest and tell them that you don't know. Offer possible avenues for discovering the answer, such as library research.

Present the rules and expectations clearly and consistently. INJs naturally crave structure and order. Although they don't want to be told exactly how to do something, they need to understand any rules clearly.

INJ Special Needs

INJ children need a good amount of time alone. They get most of their energy from within themselves and their rich imaginations, so they need adequate time alone to recharge their batteries. After a long day of school, the INJ may head to their room to spend some time alone. Respect this need of your child's, and understand that once they have spent time alone they will be ready to interact with you. Don't push them to be around yourself or others until they have spent some quality alone time. An INJ who doesn't get the chance to spend any time alone will be irritable, cranky and tired.

INJs who have made up their minds about something can be quite stubborn and unwilling to compromise. When faced with an INJ who has "dug in their heels" about something, take some time to present them with clear and valid alternatives to their way of thinking. This will help the INJ to not become overly rigid, pompous and unbending in their views.

Socially, pre-teen INJ's are usually fairly reserved and may be intimidated by large numbers of people. They like to watch for awhile before participating. It's best not to push the INJ to interact socially before they are ready. Allow them to watch first, and jump in when they want to. If you are a very extraverted or gregarious adult, don't expect the same behavior your INJ child. INJs usually prefer to interact with one person at a time, and enjoy having a couple of close friends rather than a number of acquaintances. As the INJ gets a bit older, he or she will probably become more social. In the meantime, understand that your child is probably uncomfortable with large groups of people, and don't make them feel guilty for that fear. If your child is afraid of walking into large social situations alone, you might arrange to walk in with your child, or have your child go to the event with a friend.

Too many suggestions or feedback on a project while it is still going on may interfere with the INJ's creative energy. Much of the interest in actually doing the project comes from the INJ's drive to prove their inner visions and independence. Any "interference" from the external world will confuse the INJ, and it may cause them to doubt themselves or their idea. In any event, it will usually cause them to lose interest in the project and abandon it. It's probably best to wait until an INJ's project is finished before commenting.

Talk through their ideas with them one-on-one. This will help the INJ to put their ideas into context within the external world. The INJ doesn't naturally have a high awareness of how their intensely personal visions fit into the world. Getting them into the habit of talking through their ideas while they are young will help them develop the ability to apply their ideas realistically and effectively.


(I plan to come back later to post my own two cents on the topic.)


eta: And btw, I don't agree with all of it. I think things like "usually very intelligent" are silly (and end up causing contention, because it's not type related). But there are some things that stood out to me as very applicable to both me and my INFJ son, in regards to childhood characteristics.
 
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velveteen

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There used to be a page on INJ/Ni dom children that I found relatively accurate. It was part of the Personality Page site, and it isn't there anymore (the site is, the thing about 'types' as children isn't- and I don't know how to use that way-back machine sorcery enough to find it). But I do have this copy/pasted version:

Yes, yes, yes, I can relate to ALL of it. Thanks for posting it!
 

Siúil a Rúin

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I was shy, afraid of adults yelling at me, and could get my feelings hurt a little too easily. I also admired Wonder Woman and would pretend I was her quite often. I was organized, was nicknamed super-packer and would pack the car for family trips. My sister and I spent hours playing complex stories with our dolls, considered our stuffed animals to have genuine feelings and souls, loved animals, and spent a lot of time in imaginary worlds. There was a big shift for me after puberty where I went from being my sister's little tag-a-long to being more of a loner, spending hours a day deep in thought trying to understand the nature of the universe and becoming obsessed with astronomy. I couldn't fit in with friends anywhere, felt intense loneliness most of my young life apart from my friendship with my sister, and obsessed over trying to connect with friends and philosophizing about reality and my place in it. I would cope by acting out imaginary stories right in the presence of other people if I was required to be in a crowd for school or something. I mostly socialized by being friendly to any kids who were odd-balls, left out, new at school, or lonely. I didn't care what their personality was like or if we were compatible as friends. If I felt their loneliness, I would listen to them and spend time with them until they found more compatible group of friends, then on to the next one.
 

Forever

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I recently did a MBTI-type test tailored for kids and to my great shock received the result that my younger child might be an INFJ - same type as me. Shocked me because I had of course observed many similarities between her and myself as a child, but I did not guess - and certainly did not wish - for her to be an INFJ as well. Being INFJ is great (getting better all the time), but I frankly think life might be easier having another type.. :)

But I was wondering whether you fellow INFJs have memories of your own childhoods of behaviors/traits you believe were related to your type? Or perhaps observations of your children who you think might be INFJ? Or other types who remember "type-indicative" behaviors from your childhood?

One thing I have thought might be due to type - an extreme avoidance of hurting other's feelings, including not only people, animals but also inanimate objects: I asked my daughter which of the Disney princesses is her favorite. Her answer: All of them, because I do not want any of them to feel bad. As a child I remember having difficulties e.g choosing an apple from the fruit basket because I did not want the other apples to feel bad...

I was never much aware of how I was feeling physically, how the clothes I was wearing felt, whether I was sitting in an uncomfortable position or reading in much too weak light.. I wonder if this might be due to not relying much on sensing, either internally or outwards.

I was an avid reader, loved to spend time in the fantasy worlds of books or created by my own imagination. I also really needed the time off from reality.

These were the first childhood traits I came to think of, would love to hear yours!

This sounds rather INFP to me with the inanimate objects having feeling kind of a Fi-Si characteristic plus the inclination to fantasize for the sake of it. Sorry. :( Although that probably wouldn't be the determining factor.
[MENTION=7842]Z Buck McFate[/MENTION] I really like the thing you put there.

You do sound cool though. :)
 

Z Buck McFate

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I've highlighted the aspects of the above description I posted that especially coincide with my own experience (with some of my own comments indented):



Though I’ve seen it in many descriptions of INFJ children, I never really got the thing about people-pleasing. I generally only felt the need to please people (to pick up on what made them happy, and to use that observation to make them happy) where I felt that kind of consideration being aimed at me (or others) in the first place.

I think this brief description from a Personality Junkie blog post sums up a huge gap for me (one of the things that made me feel different from other kids):

From a young age, the INFJ innately senses the difference between behavior that is authentically motivated (i.e., spiritually and psychologically healthy) and behavior that is inauthentic or ego driven (i.e., spiritually and psychologically destructive). Respect out of duty isn’t freely given by INFJs who (to the chagrin of their elders) tend to see adults and children through the same lens and then judge them by this universal qualification: authenticity. If respect has been earned and the INFJ intuits an individual to be primarily authentic (or at least trying to live more authentically), it can be a huge letdown for INFJs when that individual shows him or herself to be a “sinner” or imperfect.​

(Though I wouldn’t have used the word “sinner” to describe it, more like ‘more ego driven/selfish/not particularly admirable or respectable behavior’- this^ is something that was very true for me.)

So, I was very people-pleasing towards those individuals who I felt deserved it, but only those individuals. I generally dished out the amount of consideration to any single person in proportion to the amount they regularly dished out to others themselves- and it didn’t matter whether the person was an adult or a child, I really did see all of it through the same lens. I’m not sure how universally INFJ this is- but my son was the same way.


Also: I was big on imaginary friends. I spent *a lot* of time playing with Batman and/or the Hardy Boys. And Apollo and Starbuck from (the original- I'm pretty old) Battlestar Galactica. I did a lot of fantasizing just for the sake of fantasizing, myself.​
 
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Vasilisa

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I will return to this thread, but in the meantime I will repost something from the NF Play thread:

A great deal of imaginative play by myself. Time spent reading fairytales and folktales and all manner of stories, and then playing in my world in which all those magic possibilities existed. I liked to play with dolls, especially creating their environment, kind of perfecting it, and thinking up their personalities, names, how they fit into this little world. I played with stuffed animals, too, and even though I knew in my heart that I liked some more than others, I felt that it would be hurtful to let on, so I tried to show everyone of them love and appreciation. I enjoyed reading and creative writing from a really young age. I liked to draw stories. I was so private about my writing and drawings. If someone in my family read them, even with praise, I felt violated. Playing dress up was fun, and I enjoyed making up my own songs on my instruments and playing with my tape recorder. But it wasn't an interest rooted in a desire to perform really.

When my brother deigned to play with me, I would obviously go along with whatever he wanted to do and just enjoy his presence. We played little dungeons and dragons type games, board games in which he showed me no mercy ever, legos - with which he was amazing at creating designs with no instructions, and video games. He would wrestle me, too, in that big brother way, and we swam quite a bit.
 

Fidelia

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As a child, I received my sense of security from being near my family. All of my old drawings were addressed to my family, and I took great pleasure as a little kid in listing everyone's names and ages on the corner. I had a lot of fears that were founded in events that could actually happen (even if they were unlikely) - war, separation from the people I loved, sickness/death, fire, kidnapping and so on. I loved to read. At three I had a whole crew of imaginary friends. When I was older, I received letters from a fictional elf who split his time between my aunt's house and ours (he offered to teach me how to swear and blow smoke rings), and from the tooth fairy. While I knew they didn't really exist, I enjoyed pretending that they might. I hated being rushed, especially in the morning and I needed a lot of sleep and always wanted to know what to expect. I didn't like it when my mum had to go somewhere, as she was my primary source of security. I liked to teach or help other kids in my class, even when I was in nursery school or kindergarten. Despite being a fairly easy going kid (other than worrying about things), I inexplicably developed a strong dislike or several different rather domineering classmates at various points in my growing up years. I couldn't even have said why, but the feeling was mutual, like two cats bristling at each other. I had a sense of humour that was on occasion quite funny, although unpredictably so, but there were things that I found funny, that other people wouldn't have. In retrospect, I think it came from Ni. I was very adept at making analogies and quite emotionally aware. I disliked needless conflict and wanted the people close to me to be happy. I was generous and loved shopping for presents for birthdays. I remember buying hankies in Grade 2 or 3 for our janitor, who always had a red hanky hanging out of his pocket. I usually was friends with a lot of different groups of people, although usually not best friends with any. Occasionally I did have one close friend. I tended to champion the underdog, and throughout my school years, people who didn't have support were drawn to me. I didn't tend to pick friends, so much as them picking me, which meant that I often was either friends with people others weren't, or else I was friends with people who were more dominant first borns or only children. Despite being quite transparent, I was very private and easily embarrassed, particularly in front of other people. I had an unusually huge aversion to being blamed, and a tendency to want to hide anything I felt ashamed of from the people who mattered to me, yet wanted to be totally open to them as well. My conscience was quite tender. I had strong likes and dislikes. I was tentative about trying new things, but usually liked them once I did. I had a fairly pronounced sense of personal style, even as a fairly little kid. I preferred to watch something being done until I felt comfortable participating, and needed time to prepare for most things before I'd feel good about taking part, particularly if it was in a group setting. I was a bit of a perfectionist, and wanted to know what others' expectations of me were. I had strong opinions, but I was unlikely to share them unless I knew the people around me felt the same way, or we were quite close, or there was a strong enough purpose in sharing the opinion to outweigh the possible friction it could cause. It mattered to me to be liked by my teachers. I liked home a lot and missed it when I was away, even when I was having a good time. I was attached not just to people, but to the familiar objects in my surroundings. I enjoyed games that did not involve group teams, but were dependent on individual performance, as I didn't like feeling that I had let someone down if I missed the ball or something. I enjoyed school and did quite well at it. I liked being read to, and enjoyed hearing familiar stories over and over. I also remember listening to stories my mum was reading to my much older siblings and being very engaged, despite it not being aimed at kids my age level. I was very involved with both sides of my extended family and liked knowing that I was part of something larger. I learned at a young age to give shoulder rubs and footrubs and liked doing things like that for the aunties and my grandparents. I found the stories about where different strands of our family came from interesting, and during high school transcribed all of my uncles' WWII letters home for a school project. I was fairly stubborn - not to be difficult, but I needed to know why something mattered before I'd change my mind about it and have confidence that the other person had sound reasons for asking me to make a change. As a little kid, I was very quiet in the car, and liked singing to myself or thinking. Sometimes my mum worried that they had forgotten me and would check if I was still in the backseat. I often would think about something and then out of nowwhere ask a question about it. Of course, the people around me hadn't been following my train of thinking, so it sounded kind of random, but it made perfect sense to me. I wanted to be an archeologist, teacher or a writing. I liked drawing, but hated it that it never matched what I could hazily see in my mind's eye and disliked even mucking up a piece of paper, because I was disappointed that it wouldn't turn out like I wanted it to. I liked the idea of speaking a secret language or writing in code, and as an older kid had an affinity for and interest in languages. I would also say that I wasn't shy, but was reserved, which was sometimes mistaken as shyness. However, under the right circumstances, with the right people, I got in trouble for being too chatty. When I went to camp, I wasn't homesick, but I did like having notes to open every day from my mum. As a little kid, I was quite suspicious of why people needed to know certain information about me at school (last name, father's profession, etc), as I had read a lot of books about the war and realized that sometimes information could be used in bad ways! I also liked to carry some kind of reminder of my family if I had to go to school or to something in the evening, because I was very aware that some people have left home in the past and never saw their loved ones again. When we studied fire safety at school, I was alarmed that my parents weren't too worried about making a plan, so I always had a blanket ready and my most prized possessions nearby to lower out the window, should it be necessary! I was distressed that we were not block parents, and after seeing a video at school about stranger danger, I started running across people's lawns because I was concerned that if you walked along the sidewalk, the people in the vans with the candy could get you there! I was aware that all of these fears were rather unlikely, but still possible, so I wouldn't tell anyone why I was doing those things, because I felt foolish about it. I had several prized toys - a doll and a teddy bear especially. I made up elaborate stories about them and made up conversation between us.

This isn't very well organized and is just kind of a stream of consciousness, but hopefully there's something helpful there.
 

Doctor Cringelord

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I've been following this thread and I feel like many of these comments could've been written myself to describe my own childhood experience.

I'm not trying to stir shit up or create drama, but if this is the case, then many of these experiences can't be exclusive to INFJ children.
 

Ene

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I've been following this thread and I feel like many of these comments could've been written myself to describe my own childhood experience.

I'm not trying to stir shit up or create drama, but if this is the case, then many of these experiences can't be exclusive to INFJ children.

I'd say that you're right. Many of the experiences are NOT exclusive.
 

Ene

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Could it be that none of us are as unique as we think we are? LOL.
 

Z Buck McFate

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I've been following this thread and I feel like many of these comments could've been written myself to describe my own childhood experience.

I'm not trying to stir shit up or create drama, but if this is the case, then many of these experiences can't be exclusive to INFJ children.


I think it's good to hear outside opinion about this & what doesn't seem particularly like an INFJ trait- that's kinda (imo) the point of having this discussion on a forum. That, in itself, is not what causes the drama.

It's a shame those links about different types' childhoods have been disabled, because it would be interesting to compare. Something tells me that if people were to look at a few different pages (for comparison) then it would become apparent that- while we all can usually relate *somewhat* to what other types find challenging- there will be a list of challenges that resonate more than others. I have no doubt that lots of people can relate to that list of things about Ni dom children- but I think the real question is whether they'd relate to their own type's list more.
 

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^Good points. It would be interesting to have the pages for comparison.
 
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