[NF] How do you balance between caring too much and too little?

[falling2fast]

As an NF type, it's easy to turn my emotions on or off. Sometimes, I find myself caring more than I should. Even when I know that caring for them is draining or otherwise harmful to my own emotional wellbeing, I can't bring myself to disengage with certain people.

Has anyone figured out how to successfully do this while maintaining a level of warmness? It's not always possible to simply avoid people when they are coworkers, family, or friends. I am usually good at putting people into groups with varying levels of caring assigned to them, but when I am already emotionally not balanced, this system breaks down. What strategies do you use?

 

[skippythecat]

This is something I'm still working on myself. I know my attitude is a reflection of my values and beliefs. Is it toward the situation or the people? I've came to a realize that I tend to project my values onto others or sometimes I allow others to offend my values. Then I have to back off because not everyone has the same values as I do. I'm not sure how I'm going to develop a system that will help me, but I am working on it.

 

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

I don't think it's possible to care, or love, too much?

As an NF, I have tried various tactics over the years, since I was a teenager.

My favorite so far has been to just love others as much as possible, without boundaries. I do not mean sexually. I mean making myself available, being loving and warm, being honest. It is important to keep boundaries for myself so that I stay healthy, but other than those simple boundaries (like making sure I get my work done, and making sure my family has my attention), I make myself always available.

I take the commandment seriously to love my neighbor as myself. The only thing more important is to love God with all your heart, soul, and might. Loving without expecting anything in return is really beautiful once you can do it. It's not easy to maintain, but the most holy goal to shoot for.

 

[falling2fast]

I agree that we, who can, should make our compassion available to others, but, even we need some reciprocation. No matter how close we get to the ideal of selflessness, we still need others to show us that our caring is meaningful. There are times when our emotional reserves get low, and we have to be careful to not waste our emotions on people who can or will not provide the emotional feedback we need to stay healthy and balanced. Unfortunately, there are situations where not caring as much is harder than it should be.

 

[Z Buck McFate]

I have this problem myself- especially where I can sense the other person has good intentions and they just don't realize they're draining me. I don't think it's possible to love others 'too much', but if love/compassion for oneself isn't in balance with the amount we're sending out- if we don't have a relatively strong sense of how much respect/compassion we deserve in return- then it can easily get taken for granted. And we're really not doing anyone any favors anyway when we're letting others take advantage of our empathy/compassion.

Searching for info on "emotional boundaries" should yield some helpful info/suggestions. I haven't found any single list that particularly effectively contains a satisfying solution, instead I find it useful to read a great deal of material on the subject and take the fragments that resonate as helpful to me (and after a while, it adds up and makes a dent).

Some posts I've found helpful:

5 Ways to Maintain Boundaries with Difficult People

A Guide to Practicing Self-Acceptance

25 Questions for Cultivating Self-Compassion

Things that involve cultivating self compassion or self acceptance are a challenge to me because it initially feels superfluous, too self-indulgent and unproductive (eta: actually, probably more than anything, it just feels boring and dull)- yet ultimately, cultivating compassion/acceptance for oneself is what allows us to have more compassion for others. When we are aware of (and accept) our own needs- then we can be more mindful of when/where they are (and aren't) being met, instead of just feeling drained and/or getting resentful when they aren't being tended to.

 

[Eluded_One]

I agree that we, who can, should make our compassion available to others, but, even we need some reciprocation.

All should feel loved (reciprocal) around those closest to us. Which is why there's immeasurable people surrounding us, but only a handful gets picked within our circles.

No matter how close we get to the ideal of selflessness, we still need others to show us that our caring is meaningful. There are times when our emotional reserves get low, and we have to be careful to not waste our emotions on people who can or will not provide the emotional feedback we need to stay healthy and balanced.

Perhaps you feel that there's room in your heart for more, and that love should be given to all those lost souls who happened to wander on your door step, and let me tell you, there's just not enough time in the day for everyone. Keep, as a reminder, the gun that is pointing to your head, is not from anyone but yourself.