[INFP] (LONG) INTJ Boy Smitten with INFP Girl

[TheBlondeBrat]

Hello all, about seven months ago I was in a class with with a group of friends (mostly heavy Ne-users, myself an outsider) and I began to strongly suspect an INFP girl in the class liked me. She behaved in a way that seemed more than just friendly to me, she playfully teased me and touched me a few times, did weird things trying to get me to touch her, and I caught her staring at me a few times. I was trying to figure her out while in the class with her and decide how I felt about her.
When she flirted with me, I found it very fun and exciting, and based on some descriptions I read, she was flirting as INFPs normally do. Since I was uncertain about her at the time, and I didn't want to make her uncomfortable with what I feared would be unwanted flirting and touching (non-sexual) I inadvertently seem to have behaved in a very stand off-ish and cold manner. Around the time our class was ending I decided to try and pursue her and invited everyone from the class to a movie and pizza for my birthday about a month after the class. I know it wasn't direct, but I wanted to see her in a group setting to hopefully have a chance to confirm if she liked me before asking if she wanted to date.
Interestingly, she was the only one not in attendance and instead stayed home to make crafts.
It was a few months until I was able to see her at a social event. Towards the end I got enough courage to go sit down by her group and she got pretty quiet and nervous when I did. When she did speak (someone asked when I was graduating) she said "So, (name), your going to be a junior next year?" Unfortunately I didn't think before I spoke and practically yelled "No!" at her. I could immediately see the hurt in her eyes and she looked down right away.
Later the group organized a game and to progress she had to say my name but instead she nervously said my brother's and someone corrected her before she went to a different area of the party.
Then about a month (two months ago) I saw her at a volunteer project and was assigned a position next to her. Up until that point she hadn't said a word to me although she had no problem talking to my brother. When we were in our places I started a conversation with her just saying her batman pins were awesome, and I spoke enthusiastically with her a bit until we had to resume our work.
During our work she bumped into me, and while I thought it was just an accident at the time, it may be of note based on some INFP romance threads I've read.
When work calmed down she basically searched my brother out and spoke with him, but I was able to join the conversation due to proximity. She did acknowledge me in conversation but her focus was pretty much entirely on my brother.
When I was talking with her I had a natural smile the entire time and asked her about herself a lot, and I made sure to only say goodbye to her when we left.
When she flirted with me in class she seemed to have her wall down and she could cut right through my barrier and I honestly felt like she and I were very connected. But when we talked at the volunteer activity she seemed to have a wall erected again. I'm very fearful that my initial coldness and perceived insensitivity may have kept her from ever being unguarded around me again.
When she's free and doesn't have a wall up she's the most amazing and beautiful girl ever. Most girls who have liked me in the past all seemed shallow and like they just wanted a boyfriend and that I just happened to be suitable enough for them, but she seemed different. I've never really felt this strongly about anyone ever before.
She's very special to me and I would appreciate any insights or advice other INFPs might have. Also, if she and I do start dating, are there any ways I can make her feel special and loved? I want her to be able to open up to me emotionally and I can really relate to her Fi and I want to be able to comfort her if she's feeling down and connect with her but I can't do that if she holds back her emotions.
I've thought about just telling her about my feelings next time we see each other but I don't want to scare her. I also don't want to just stand by and let the opportunity of she and I being in a relationship together disappear.

 

[five sounds]

this is sweet. I say just let it take shape but keep trying to make opportunities to get to know each other better. She probably needs time to get comfortable how you needed time. Good part of that is she'll probably understand and appreciate that you didn't jump on the first opportunity to flirt with her. Good luck.

 

[Riva]

Ah those NFP girls.

 

[laterlazer]

She wants your brother's d.
Okay I'm kidding but really I have no advice, je suis desolee.

(p.s. if your brother's like under-age apologies for inappropriate comment)

 

[blahblahbob]

She's very special to me and I would appreciate any insights or advice other INFPs might have. Also, if she and I do start dating, are there any ways I can make her feel special and loved? I want her to be able to open up to me emotionally and I can really relate to her Fi and I want to be able to comfort her if she's feeling down and connect with her but I can't do that if she holds back her emotions.
I've thought about just telling her about my feelings next time we see each other but I don't want to scare her. I also don't want to just stand by and let the opportunity of she and I being in a relationship together disappear.

If she trusts you she probably will be completely open with you. The best way you can gain her trust is by being completely open with her.

INFPs hate insincerity - and when I say hate - I mean "kill it with fire.""

Similarly, they hate being insincere.

 

[mintleaf]

I'm an INFP girl and her behavior sounds similar to mine when I have a crush on someone. How did you find out that she stayed home to make crafts?

 

[Chthonic]

I've thought about just telling her about my feelings next time we see each other but I don't want to scare her. I also don't want to just stand by and let the opportunity of she and I being in a relationship together disappear.

I didn't read any of your post except this last sentence because its a common question. The usual answers all tend to gravitate towards this.

- Ask her out and see how it goes. Stop INTJ-ing it to death (ie, well I saw her do this then that, and what could that mean. Or am I reading this right because she could possibly have just been thinking about this at the time. Maybe I've got the whole thing wrong....ad infinitum.)

Simple isn't it?

 

[TheBlondeBrat]

I'm an INFP girl and her behavior sounds similar to mine when I have a crush on someone. How did you find out that she stayed home to make crafts?

Her sister, who was also in the class and lives with her, came to the party and told me. We've known each other for a few years as acquaintances and our mothers are actually friends.

 

[blahblahbob]

Her sister, who was also in the class and lives with her, came to the party and told me. We've known each other for a few years as acquaintances and our mothers are actually friends.

You should ask the INFP gals if they just prefer to be bluntly asked out. I know I prefer people be upfront rather than beating around the bush with me and I'm usually very gentle when I turn someone down for a date or otherwise because I know how upsetting it can be. For myself, I prefer people be straightforward every time.

 

[TheBlondeBrat]

You should ask the INFP gals if they just prefer to be bluntly asked out. I know I prefer people be upfront rather than beating around the bush with me and I'm usually very gentle when I turn someone down for a date or otherwise because I know how upsetting it can be. For myself, I prefer people be straightforward every time.

Thanks, I'm leaning towards just telling her directly next time I see her. When she and I actually do speak to each other I become completely confident and Se seems to kick in so I should be able to, I simply need to see her in a situation where I can tell her alone and in person.
Her parents may or may not be supportive and if she and I were to date it would probably be completely supervised, but it is all a worthwhile risk in my opinion.

 

[blahblahbob]

Thanks, I'm leaning towards just telling her directly next time I see her. When she and I actually do speak to each other I become completely confident and Se seems to kick in so I should be able to, I simply need to see her in a situation where I can tell her alone and in person.
Her parents may or may not be supportive and if she and I were to date it would probably be completely supervised, but it is all a worthwhile risk in my opinion.

Hmmmm... religious huh? That complicates it. INFPs get hyper-religious. Regardless, I've never treated anyone meanly for asking me out or making advances towards me. I probably feel worse than them after turning them down.

 

[Firebird 8118]

Hmmmm... religious huh? That complicates it. INFPs get hyper-religious. Regardless, I've never treated anyone meanly for asking me out or making advances towards me. I probably feel worse than them after turning them down.

Not always - my INFP companion is an atheist.

And even I'm not hyped up about religion these days, either. I fail to understand the need for most rituals, to be honest.

 

[blahblahbob]

Not always - my INFP companion is an atheist.

And even I'm not hyped up about religion these days, either. I fail to understand the need for most rituals, to be honest.

I mean when they're religious they're really religious. I'm an atheist - but I used to be a zealot.

 

[mintleaf]

Her sister, who was also in the class and lives with her, came to the party and told me. We've known each other for a few years as acquaintances and our mothers are actually friends.

Ah okay. I was just thinking, it'd be a bad sign if she told you that herself.

Thanks, I'm leaning towards just telling her directly next time I see her. When she and I actually do speak to each other I become completely confident and Se seems to kick in so I should be able to, I simply need to see her in a situation where I can tell her alone and in person.
Her parents may or may not be supportive and if she and I were to date it would probably be completely supervised, but it is all a worthwhile risk in my opinion.

Aw. Go for it.

 

[blahblahbob]

Ah okay. I was just thinking, it'd be a bad sign if she told you that herself.



Aw. Go for it.

I always vote on the direct approach for INFP. They tend to value sincerity and direct open communication than showy gestures.

 

[OrangeAppled]

You should ask the INFP gals if they just prefer to be bluntly asked out. I know I prefer people be upfront rather than beating around the bush with me and I'm usually very gentle when I turn someone down for a date or otherwise because I know how upsetting it can be. For myself, I prefer people be straightforward every time.

Pretty much this.

No need to tell her how you feel in some big, grand confession. Just ask her out. Simple & direct.
You've observed enough to know that you like her, and so now it's time to take action. The quickest way (& easiest, as INFPs are notoriously hard to read correctly) to know if she likes you (which you already heavily suspect) is to ask her out.

 

[Firebird 8118]

I mean when they're religious they're really religious. I'm an atheist - but I used to be a zealot.

Ah, I see thanks for clearing that up!

 

[Eluded_One]

Her sister, who was also in the class and lives with her, came to the party and told me. We've known each other for a few years as acquaintances and our mothers are actually friends.

Her withdrawal is typically a sign that she's not ready to give up her true feelings -- whatever it may be. Crafting can come any other time.

I'm not an expert at this stuff, nor will I have any pretenses about it: If you ask her out, this might not be good time to do it. Younger INFP's have a tendency to idealize romances, as in, asking her out may be seen as an unnatural or textbook method of expressing one's affection. Older INFP's may tell you otherwise. As we approach our later years, we come to realize, all the things that we idealized in our younger years, held back many experiences that could have been. Hence all the "direct-talk" responses.

Let her know that you're thinking about her through thoughtful writing. Let her know you are the right guy for her. Give it some time. By then, when or where to ask her out will be a cinch.

 

[TheBlondeBrat]

Her withdrawal is typically a sign that she's not ready to give up her true feelings -- whatever it may be. Crafting can come any other time.

I'm not an expert at this stuff, nor will I have any pretenses about it: If you ask her out, this might not be good time to do it. Younger INFP's have a tendency to idealize romances, as in, asking her out may be seen as an unnatural or textbook method of expressing one's affection. Older INFP's may tell you otherwise. As we approach our later years, we come to realize, all the things that we idealized in our younger years, held back many experiences that could have been. Hence all the "direct-talk" responses.

Let her know that you're thinking about her through thoughtful writing. Let her know you are the right guy for her. Give it some time. By then, when or where to ask her out will be a cinch.

Thank you for the input, I'm considering it. Are you certain that telling her through writing is superior to in person? I would most likely send a written message to her via letter as opposed to a PM on Facebook since that seems rather laughable in my opinion, unless you disagree (as in, if you don't think the method particularly matters, and of course there is the chance of a letter being intercepted by her family members). I suppose a written method doesn't pressure her as much as in-person but there is the possibility of it being viewed as cowardly.
I am considering talking to her about my feelings while asking her out to clarify how important she is to me, and that she's not just someone I'm casually asking out.
There is also the option to tell her she doesn't have to make any decisions on the spot, and that I am content to wait for her response until she's ready, however long that may be. This course of action in particular was what I originally had planned to take.

 

[Eluded_One]

Thank you for the input, I'm considering it. Are you certain that telling her through writing is superior to in person? I would most likely send a written message to her via letter as opposed to a PM on Facebook since that seems rather laughable in my opinion, unless you disagree (as in, if you don't think the method particularly matters, and of course there is the chance of a letter being intercepted by her family members). I suppose a written method doesn't pressure her as much as in-person but there is the possibility of it being viewed as cowardly.
I am considering talking to her about my feelings while asking her out to clarify how important she is to me, and that she's not just someone I'm casually asking out.
There is also the option to tell her she doesn't have to make any decisions on the spot, and that I am content to wait for her response until she's ready, however long that may be. This course of action in particular was what I originally had planned to take.

I was speaking more in the lines of taking things step by step, and giving her hints that she is "on your mind". Although your particular approach may be different from mine, it doesn't necessarily mean that neither method won't work. INFP's (if she is even one at all) have a rampant reputation for being on and off with casual connections. How you approach her seems to be the lesser issue, but rather, how you bridge the gap should be a more important priority.