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  1. #1
    Senior Member pinkgraffiti's Avatar
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    Default ENFPs and (negative) emotions

    Hi This is mostly directed at other ENFPs:

    I was wondering if it's just me or if other ENFPs feel like me: I've been noticing (and a psychologist friend told me) that I have problems dealing with negative emotions. She told me (and I agree) that I bottle up too much and don't tell other people when I'm not feeling alright. The point is, it's either too little or too much: I bottle up for a while, and then I explode (!). I cannot communicate my emotions (mostly negative) effectively. I was wondering if other ENFPs are like this, or if it's me.

    Maybe it's because I grew up with an ENFJ mum who saw my Fi as something childish that needed controlling, I was always made to feel like there was no place for my feelings, because the group is more important. So I've always felt like I'm much more sensitive than other people, and I'm embarrassed of this, so when Im not feeling well because someone is not making me feel comfortable, I just try to ignore and pretend everything is just fine, there is no problem, and that my feelings are just "in the way". And then it reaches a point that I can't take it and I find the whole situation "unjust" (I feel this feeling a lot) and I explode, usually I shout and am very assertive and Te-like. And people get surprised, because I let them walk all over me for a long time and said nothing...

    Any solutions? Or just...does anyone (ENFP) sympathize? What is the problem? How can an ENFP be more assertive (without being aggressive)?
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  2. #2
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    I am an ENFP/ESTP hybrid, and that's the worst combonation when it comes to begative emotions, so I feel ya. I think it's a maturity thing though, you'll grow out of it. Last year, 5 months ago I never would have been able to comtrol my anger, butvthe more I matured and learned stuff about myself, the better it got. I think the main secret to anger and emotions though is to feel like there's something inside of you that keeps you from doing it. I'm a christisn, so pretty much all I had to do was surrenderyself to the God I believe in and I was fine from there. You just have to find your peace. I'm 17 and I still act 10 sometimes. It's all part of being human.

  3. #3
    Undisciplined Starry's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by pinkgraffiti View Post
    Hi This is mostly directed at other ENFPs:

    I was wondering if it's just me or if other ENFPs feel like me: I've been noticing (and a psychologist friend told me) that I have problems dealing with negative emotions. She told me (and I agree) that I bottle up too much and don't tell other people when I'm not feeling alright. The point is, it's either too little or too much: I bottle up for a while, and then I explode (!). I cannot communicate my emotions (mostly negative) effectively. I was wondering if other ENFPs are like this, or if it's me.

    Maybe it's because I grew up with an ENFJ mum who saw my Fi as something childish that needed controlling, I was always made to feel like there was no place for my feelings, because the group is more important. So I've always felt like I'm much more sensitive than other people, and I'm embarrassed of this, so when Im not feeling well because someone is not making me feel comfortable, I just try to ignore and pretend everything is just fine, there is no problem, and that my feelings are just "in the way". And then it reaches a point that I can't take it and I find the whole situation "unjust" (I feel this feeling a lot) and I explode, usually I shout and am very assertive and Te-like. And people get surprised, because I let them walk all over me for a long time and said nothing...

    Any solutions? Or just...does anyone (ENFP) sympathize? What is the problem? How can an ENFP be more assertive (without being aggressive)?

    Ah yah. I relate to every word down to the "ENFJ mum"... [anyone else noticing a pattern here of all the ENFP 7s possessing a directly or passively (manipulation) controlling EJ primary caregiver? I just find this significant because I've read in a few different places that 7s became 7s because their primary caregiver (intentionally or unknowingly) minimized or outright denied them their negative feelings in childhood and required they act positively -that they behave in a pleasant, pleasing way. The result: 7s disengage from their feelings... eventually picking-up where their primary caregiver left off. I now want all of this in the 7 thread.]
    @Magic Qwan
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  4. #4
    The Dark Lord The Wailing Specter's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Starry View Post
    Ah yah. I relate to every word down to the "ENFJ mum"... [anyone else noticing a pattern here of all the ENFP 7s possessing a directly or passively (manipulation) controlling EJ primary caregiver? I just find this significant because I've read in a few different places that 7s became 7s because their primary caregiver (intentionally or unknowingly) minimized or outright denied them their negative feelings in childhood and required they act positively -that they behave in a pleasant, pleasing way. The result: 7s disengage from their feelings... eventually picking-up where their primary caregiver left off. I now want all of this in the 7 thread.]
    @Magic Qwan
    Yeah, I have an ExTJ mom. I say ESTJ, she says ENTJ…not a big difference, though.
    Enneagram: 6w7 (phobic) > 2w1 > 9w1
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    -Magic Qwan

  5. #5
    Senior Member blahblahbob's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by pinkgraffiti View Post
    Any solutions? Or just...does anyone (ENFP) sympathize? What is the problem? How can an ENFP be more assertive (without being aggressive)?
    You just need to find a good INFP's shoulder to cry on. They're more in tune with the negative emotions and usually pretty understanding of them.

    Yeah, the constant "I need to fix your 'wrong' emotions" from Fe's is really really grating which is why you should stay away from Fe's and find another strong Fi... Which is basically INFPs or ISFPs - but the ISFPs lack our great Ne!

    I love (many) other INFPs because I can just tell them anything I'm feeling and they'll usually still love me and just talk openly with me and they'll usually genuinely care.

  6. #6
    Senior Member Retmeishka's Avatar
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    My ENFP boyfriend was dealing with a problem he has going on with another girlfriend (there's really no nice way to say it, but he has several girlfriends, and I tried to explain polyamory to him, but he still views it as 'cheating' - topic for a whole other thread here). So anyway, there he was, calmly texting her back and forth, and telling me about what was going on. The next moment, he was taking his battery out of the phone, and then he was attempting to snap his phone in half with his hands. He started crushing it and bending it and it almost broke. Luckily I was there to take the phone away. I am now keeping the phone, with his permission, and I am talking to this other girl about the problem she is having, so that he doesn't have to talk to her. When he tries to talk about it, he gets hugely angry, terrified, enraged, and thinks violent thoughts, and he even starts shaking and trembling (it is a very serious problem going on, not just everyday drama). He breaks things, slams things, stabs things, and makes loud banging and crashing noises that probably make the rest of his family wonder what's going on down there. But in conversation, he seems calm and nonviolent and sweet, and doesn't really express a lot of emotions through his speech - then all of a sudden, there's that phone being crushed in half, or objects being thrown against the wall. If I talk about *real* violence (I mentioned that in my world, it's okay to go hunting and kill animals and eat them, but that's one of the only places where violence is appropriate), he seems anxious and guilty. He gets enraged when he feels terrified, helpless, and trapped by someone who has enormous power to hurt him and destroy his entire life. That is why I am dealing with this girl so that he doesn't have to. So far, that is helping greatly.

    Wall of text. Yes, ENFPs have negative emotions. I call it -Fe and I see it right there in their creative function in Bukalov's Model B of socionics, with the plus and minus signs.

    Edit: Just to relieve the suspense... All three pregnancy tests have been negative so far, so hopefully this will be resolved soon. I am sure it's going to be okay.

  7. #7
    Entertaining Cracker five sounds's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by pinkgraffiti View Post
    Hi This is mostly directed at other ENFPs:

    I was wondering if it's just me or if other ENFPs feel like me: I've been noticing (and a psychologist friend told me) that I have problems dealing with negative emotions. She told me (and I agree) that I bottle up too much and don't tell other people when I'm not feeling alright. The point is, it's either too little or too much: I bottle up for a while, and then I explode (!). I cannot communicate my emotions (mostly negative) effectively. I was wondering if other ENFPs are like this, or if it's me.

    Maybe it's because I grew up with an ENFJ mum who saw my Fi as something childish that needed controlling, I was always made to feel like there was no place for my feelings, because the group is more important. So I've always felt like I'm much more sensitive than other people, and I'm embarrassed of this, so when Im not feeling well because someone is not making me feel comfortable, I just try to ignore and pretend everything is just fine, there is no problem, and that my feelings are just "in the way". And then it reaches a point that I can't take it and I find the whole situation "unjust" (I feel this feeling a lot) and I explode, usually I shout and am very assertive and Te-like. And people get surprised, because I let them walk all over me for a long time and said nothing...

    Any solutions? Or just...does anyone (ENFP) sympathize? What is the problem? How can an ENFP be more assertive (without being aggressive)?
    yeah, i relate big time. i tell myself it's cool for a while and then freak out when i've had too much. i also have two Fe-dom parents and i sometimes feel guilty like my feelings are rebellious or childish. lately i've been trying to just cut shit out of my life really. just not do things that are going to add extra stress if i don't feel the benefit outweighs the cost.

    i also have this weird thing i do which i think is definitely a 7 thing where i like lightheartedly make a really firm line. like "don't fuck with me, lol" i want to get the message across but i don't want feelings to get weird. i'm probably making it all weirder by it actually, but it helps me get through saying the things i need to say.
    You hem me in -- behind and before;
    you have laid your hand upon me.
    Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too lofty for me to attain.
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  8. #8
    Paranoid Android Video's Avatar
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    I'm no 7 and use Fe, but I also relate a lot to the message that there was no place for my feelings and growing up with the notion that I was sensitive in a useless way that others weren't. I just dealt with it differently, as in fought for a place for them by amping the negative feelings up and rubbing them in the faces of those who discouraged them. I tended to feel/display more anger inside the home, but more shame and sadness outside because I wasn't confident that I could make it out there being "oversensitive". Really split down the middle for a long time. The only thing that ultimately helped was not merely moving out, but cutting all dependencies to home (financial, etc), and living that way for a some time. It gets better gradually, as you have experiences that debunk the childhood themes where they are false.

    I felt a lot younger inside than I was in real life, and still often do, but just use that sense in a more balanced way.
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