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  1. #111
    Senior Member JivinJeffJones's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ajblaise View Post
    Sometimes I really have a hard time calming down NF's, or F's in general. Saying "chill out" or "calm down" certainly hasn't worked well, neither does using logic sometimes, but I have used cold hard logic to calm people down before. Do I try talking more slowly and in a soft voice, maybe I'm talking to fast?

    I argue with people a lot and with NF guys this is usually what can set them off, that or I'll make a joke and they get offended. And with girls, if they are crying, I am rendered completely useless no matter what I say it seems. It's like they have already made the decision they are going to cry and there is nothing I can do.
    Escalation is your friend.

  2. #112
    Junior Member sharpedges's Avatar
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    It seems to me (from blogs I've reviewed) most NTs take the questioning approach... I can see the reasoning (mutual respect). Although, being I'm a classic wench when my time is wasted, I opt for the simple apology for unleashing the feelings (taking a break to reflect on how my action had cause). And, of course, ultimately avoiding that wave in the future.

    As for intelligence, it's about maturity and understanding from ever angle in my opinion. I've been told on several different occassions, "the world isn't a game and people aren't pieces". I just chuckle silently. To me it is - when you step into my terrain. Come on - I'm not the only one floating in a bubble.

    Everyone has their own type of intelligence (and naturally it's priority). I say forget the golden rule... it's about treating those as they treat others. That is until things get ugly... then it's free game. May the best man/woman win!

    It's simple cause and effect... be careful where it's placed!

  3. #113
    Junior Member spacecadette's Avatar
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    Just leave us alone for a bit. Tell us you'll come back to talk later on. Then we'll be able to have a good think about everything and the feelings won't be so overwhelming. That's from an introverts' perspective anyway.

  4. #114
    mountain surfing nomadic's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SquirrelTao View Post
    And do you really think that any MBTI type is incapable of reason? Do you really believe only NTs can reason or something? It's almost like you think you're another species. This is getting so weird; it's worse than that trite Mars-Venus crap.

  5. #115
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    Initially, logic is not the route to go and will only make the F more emotional (and very mad at you). The best advice I have for Ts is that though it may seem that no progress is being made, you actually are helping an F by allowing them to vent without tell them to calm down, chill out or that they're over reacting. Fs will let go much quicker if they feel heard or at least not further provoked. They also can only take honesty in little sugar-coated bits.

    During that initial stage, just try not to do any further (perceived) damage. Reasoning will not help. If it bugs you too much to see tears, explain that you don't want to do any damage and go away temporarily. If the offense was unintentional, explain that.

    Usually if the F is way overreacting, they'll soon realize it on their own. If they are just reacting in a way you are unused to reacting yourself, be as nice to them as possible and they'll come around if they feel you care about them. This is the stage where you can discuss it using some logic and they'll be more receptive as long as you don't treat them like they were an unreasonable, overwrought child. (Then they'll want to tell you more about it, with more tears)

    Tears are a release and though many Ts feel an allergic reaction to them, for an F they can be therapeutic and wash away feelings of resentment that otherwise would become a big problem between you.

  6. #116
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ajblaise View Post
    Sometimes I really have a hard time calming down NF's, or F's in general. Saying "chill out" or "calm down" certainly hasn't worked well, neither does using logic sometimes, but I have used cold hard logic to calm people down before. Do I try talking more slowly and in a soft voice, maybe I'm talking to fast?
    Start by listening. To say "stop feeling" at the moment a person is feeling and expecting a response of "okay, I'll do that" might not be realistic. Maybe there are NTs who could respond like that when upset, but I think if anyone reaches that point of upset, then a simple command of "stop" is unlikely to work.

    Intense emotions are the result of chemicals flooding the body. Saying "stop feeling" is not unlike saying "stop puking". If there is a physiological process in place you will have to wait it out. If it is too hard for you to deal with, then perhaps just leave while they cool down. When everyone is calm, you can then discuss why certain things trigger the response and find a way to avoid it in the future.

    For short-term fixes, it can help to say something like "it wasn't my purpose to say something upsetting" and possibly apologize for the miscommunication if that seems reasonable. Own your end of the miscommunication without intruding on their response. To assume the other person is in the wrong for having an emotion and to pressure them to quit can come across as assuming a position of superiority and judgment. There is some reason they interpreted it as they did and had the response. Until you understand why, then it doesn't make sense to assume they are in the wrong. Listen first, then demonstrate no criticism or superiority, then apply logic.

    Edit: A point of interest to this topic came up once when I was studying Dialectical Behavior Therapy. The act of fixating on a negative emotion and the act of denying it stem from the same motivation that the negative emotion is threatening and too much to handle. Both fixation and denial make the negativity grow in power. Both make it seem more impossible to control. The healthiest approach is to see it for what it is - simply a natural human response to stimuli. This helps to release those innate fears of either facing or letting go of a negative response. Approaching someone else's emotions without fear, and as simply a process that can in fact be dealt with and solved, it robs it of that power.
    Step into my metaphysical room of mirrors.
    Fear of reality creates myopic morality
    So I guess it means there is trouble until the robins come
    (from Blue Velvet)

  7. #117
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    I have no idea if this works for other people. In my family, we use humor to alleviate tension and it helps. Usually the puns are ridiculous or very subtle. You have to work to find them. My mother claims using logical/literal humor allows our logical side to kick in. My mother is a very logical person. She worked painstakingly to teach each of us the most effective way to maneuver through the world.

    For me personally, I just ask to be left alone. I do not want to explode and I prefer to take the time to calm down. This way, my logic can kick in and I can take time to understand the nature of the situation. I do care about the truth and the facts. My personal challenge is to not allow my emotions to overwhelm me, so that I can focus on the information. I can analyze and understand what's going on around and inside of me. I'm a whirlwind sometimes, but I prefer to be focused. I want to communicate in the most concise manner that I can.

  8. #118
    Aspie Idealist TaylorS's Avatar
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    Either listen to us rant or leave us alone. When I'm upset and going off on a rant telling me to calm down just makes me think you are thinking that my opinions are worthless or that I am lying or making excuses or whatever, in other words it gets interpreted by me as a personal attack.
    Autistic INFP


  9. #119
    lurking.... Wyst's Avatar
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    To the OP -

    Quote Originally Posted by ajblaise View Post
    Sometimes I really have a hard time calming down NF's, or F's in general. Saying "chill out" or "calm down" certainly hasn't worked well, neither does using logic sometimes, but I have used cold hard logic to calm people down before. Do I try talking more slowly and in a soft voice, maybe I'm talking to fast?

    I argue with people a lot and with NF guys this is usually what can set them off, that or I'll make a joke and they get offended. And with girls, if they are crying, I am rendered completely useless no matter what I say it seems. It's like they have already made the decision they are going to cry and there is nothing I can do.
    I'd have to say that a lot of NFs process things verbally. To try and stop that equates to shutting down how an NF could potentially make a decision, settle a matter in their own mind etc.. I think the NF that has that done to them would only get frustrated at you and the situation.

    My advice is to nod and smile. Ask questions that will draw the NF out and help them process things.

    If that sounds like too much trouble then you might find more NTs to hang out with.

  10. #120
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    Validate my feelings!.. Good old psychology... tell me you can see I feel strongly about it (you will definitely score points with that).

    You'll make it better if you can demonstrate that you slightly understand my point. Remember, I WANT harmony, probably even more than you, so I'll grab at any attempt from your side to restore the relationship.

    For the rest, I think if you still want to convince me of your point, you'll have to do it later.

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