Hi, got a question about my INFJ friend I've recently met.
So, before I ask, I think I should give a bit of background. (feel free to skip, it would drive me crazy to ask anything without writing a thorough background) I'm currently in a math class for my major in school. At the beginning of the semester, I noticed a guy sitting near me in class and I preformed my usual checks:
-Not self absorbed? Check.
-Quiet, therefore potentially observant and insightful? Check. (this one also means probably not annoying)
-Sitting on the front row, citing a quality of diligence? Check.
Potential life-long friend found.
We started talking soon after that and I found most of my presuppositions seemed correct. Therefore I found it worth while to try and be friends. I immediately knew he wasn't an INTJ like myself, and after some thought had him pegged as an ISFJ. He hung out every now and then after class, did homework and studied together for several weeks. I made an effort to find out what his interests were, which I learned were the usual boring subjects with other guys. Hunting, football, fishing etc. I was willing to make an effort to genuinely learn about these things and enjoy them the same (after all, we're talking about someone who is a potential confidant. I wanted to get along.). I even started following the SEC, and a few pro teams. Enjoyed it. Anyways, I digress. I noticed my new friend was very private, and didn't want to speak about other things he did in his free time. Seemed weird, but it didn't bother me.
One day after class I asked if he wanted to study later after I was off work, and he agreed. I noticed he seemed a bit busy that day, but since he said yes to studying, I thought nothing of it. I got off work and texted asking what time would work. Never got a response. I went though the weekend thinking he had made other plans and didn't want to offend me by responding and saying no. I remembered that ISFJs have a hard time in the "no" area. Got to class on Monday and he seemed fine, and said he forgot to respond and that was all. Well, my stubborn INTJ self couldn't believe it. My logic said "you're an ISFJ, I know you cant say no sometimes, therefore you just lied to me." (when will I learn) I couldn't stand it. I came up with a way to tell him I was offended. I confronted him after next class period, and said "hey I wanna be your friend, but I dont think I can do that unless I get this off my chest. If I text, just respond. That simple." It took a minute for it to register in his mind, but then he realized I thought he ignored me. He was very sorry, and affirmed that I was his buddy. After that, he didn't seem to act the same around me. I dealt with it though.
So how did I learn what his personality type really was? After class again a few weeks later I just happened to vent to him about a girl problem I was having at the time. He listened very patiently and then offered some very good advice. Later while thinking about the exchange, it hit me that it wasn't the first time he'd shown a decent amount of Ne. I panicked and began researching INFJs. It was him. The privacy, the insight, the noticing things but not speaking, and the never participating in group conversations during class. I feel like I've made a few mistakes (didn't go in to everything), and now I'm worried I'll never gain his trust. We're never going to be in a class together again after this semester, and I feel like if I don't gain trust now, we'll cease being friends come next semester.
tl;dr: Met friend who I thought was ISFJ. Turned about to be INFJ, and I think I've broken some of the INFJ ten commandments.
My main issues/questions are these: how can I gain his trust? How can I get him to quit "protecting me" with secrecy and (possibly) lies?
I've had a really hard time trusting him since the no-text-back incident. Ever since then, I've felt like he worries too much about offending me, so he keeps quiet more often than not. I don't know what is true and what isn't. I think I have a tendency to press into people's lives, trust them way before they trust me. That hasn't worked so well here. Is there a way to handle this? Some way to talk to him? Or should I just move on and try to be more patient?
Ultimately, I want to grow my people skills, as well as gain a friend that will be as committed to me as I will be to them.
Dang, thats a lot of text. Kudos if you read all that.