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  1. #21
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by IF3157 View Post
    The intensity can be such that it raises questions of sanity. And I don't just mean in romantic contexts . . . for example, I had one girl I had just met call and message me constantly.
    Ah. That IS freaky. Did you tell her to knock it off?

    For the record, that's not archetypal of NFs, necessarily. That's just ridiculous and needy, or misguided.
    eNFJ 4w3 sx/so 468 tritype
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  2. #22
    now! in shell form INA's Avatar
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    I dealt with it my way, which is to say i ignored some of her messages and had my roommate screen my calls. I got called to the carpet over it soon enough though. It was the start of a beautiful friendship.

    edit: I got to know her over the next few years, and she is an E/INFP

    edit2: i later dated an NF - briefly- who was just like she was.
    hoarding time and space
    A single event can awaken within us a stranger totally unknown to us. To live is to be slowly born.
    — Antoine de Saint-Exupery

  3. #23
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PinkPiranha View Post
    As an ENFJ, I have no choice, I connect to everyone, sometimes all at once. It can be harrowing. As to deeply connecting (fusion), I still experience this frequently. More frequently than I would like. I wish I had more control over being involved with people.
    I thought this was interesting, since I usually feel the same way -- having a desire to connect with everyone, automatically empathizing, and feeling hurt at some level if I am unable to forge that connection. I never really got to "choose" the desire to do this, it just happens, I want to know everyone on a deeper level, and sometimes I get dragged into people's problems and dilemmas even if it's probably not good for me or I should be keeping my space.

    I show the pattern described in the OP in my e-mail communications. If I meet someone I find interesting and who engages me, the first week can be almost obsessive. Usually after a week or two, once the connection is established, everything dies off so it can almost seem like I am disinterested, but I'm not; the connection is now in "maintenance" mode. A few NFs I met with this way seemed hurt by how things dwindled; a few others seem skittish and seem "bait and switch," they'll say a lot of intimate things about themselves, then seem to feel afraid and pull way back for awhile, and it's a pendulum swing between being let inside and being totally held at arms length. Usually with me, it's the slow dwindle, although at any time, that connection can be "called upon" and we can leap into deep things.

    Anyway, my online approach is not how I act IRL. I don't know how the ENFs approach it, but I find obsessiveness in the physical realm to be very smothering; the only reason I can allow myself to do it in the writing realm is because I know the other person is always free to back out whenever they need space, so I know I'm not imposing, nor would I pursue someone who shows lack of interest.

    Do ENFs get physically intrusive IRL, even when the other person backs off?
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  4. #24
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    I thought this was interesting, since I usually feel the same way -- having a desire to connect with everyone, automatically empathizing, and feeling hurt at some level if I am unable to forge that connection. I never really got to "choose" the desire to do this, it just happens, I want to know everyone on a deeper level, and sometimes I get dragged into people's problems and dilemmas even if it's probably not good for me or I should be keeping my space.
    Ditto, sis.

    Do ENFs get physically intrusive IRL, even when the other person backs off?
    NO. Never do I press when I'm seeing a step back. That makes ME step back too, even before I know what's going on. I don't like stepping on mines, know what I mean? I'll press a friend if I know they're in trouble, but only after feeling out the situation. As to a guy blowing hot and cold on me? File 13. Gone. No need for his drama or weirdness. I'm such a glacially slow mover that any guy feeling pushed by me is nothing but a ridiculous Chandler Bing commitment phobe.

    I NEED SPACE. MUST HAVE. NOT OPTIONAL.
    eNFJ 4w3 sx/so 468 tritype
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    Dramatic>Sensitive>Serious

  5. #25
    Senior Member Rachelinpa's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PinkPiranha View Post
    Never do I press when I'm seeing a step back. That makes ME step back too, even before I know what's going on.
    Agreed.

    The intensity can be such that it raises questions of sanity. And I don't just mean in romantic contexts . . . for example, I had one girl I had just met call and message me constantly.
    Yep. I recognize it seems a little insane. That is exactly what I do, but I try to exercise self-restraint for the sake of the other person who usually cannot handle it. If I sense distance or they jump back suddenly, I jump back too though. Well, unless I think they are just confused (versus actually annoyed or disinterested). It's easier to plow through with those I intend on being friends with versus lovers.

    "It might be argued that each type, when first in love, resembles a garden-variety ENFP, because ENFPs normally behave like people in love. Some of the cultural cliches about falling in love - such as "Falling in love with love," "Head over heels in love," "Love is blind," "All the world loves a lover," and "Throw caution to the wind" - seem to apply to the ENFP. This same boundless affection can be showered upon friends, co-workers, and others."

    Yes, I boundlessly throw caution to the wind and it gets me in trouble... until the other person gives in and decide they like it.

  6. #26
    Senior Member Rachelinpa's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    If I meet someone I find interesting and who engages me, the first week can be almost obsessive. Usually after a week or two, once the connection is established, everything dies off so it can almost seem like I am disinterested, but I'm not; the connection is now in "maintenance" mode.
    Yes, Yes! I am like this. Once the connection is established, I can relax and then I'm more like... ok, we're good now. I would not classify it as boredom, but the newness has worn off and now I'm in my favorite phase on the relationship where there is mutual understanding and liking. No need for intense pursuit. Bliss!

    I think the beginning of relationships are always the toughest for me, but also the most exciting. It's a love-hate thing. I want the stability, but I want the excitement too!

  7. #27
    Senior Member SillyGoose's Avatar
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    I agree with PP. It's a dance almost. They step back, I step back. I pick up really quickly when they need room and I need a lot of room, so yeah, I don't generally chase anyone.

    Unless they want to be
    "My mom told me there was a weirdo on every bus, but I never could find him." Emo Phillips

  8. #28
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
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    True dat, Goose. Chasing CAN be fun.

    Round and round a table...
    eNFJ 4w3 sx/so 468 tritype
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  9. #29
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rachelinpa View Post
    ...I think the beginning of relationships are always the toughest for me, but also the most exciting. It's a love-hate thing. I want the stability, but I want the excitement too!
    See, the beginnings are always the easiest for me... and the most exciting. I am very event- and need-driven.

    It's engaging later, when I don't have a need of circumstance to do so, that is hard.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  10. #30

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    I suck at beginnings. Like I know I am supposed to play coy and aloof and all that bullshit but I find my fingers typing texts or emails and hitting send before I even realize what I'm doing. Then I am always like "frick! I should explain that I'm crazy at the start... no i can't do that cause then I admit to being crazy and what if she doesn't like crazy? frick! frick! FRICK!"

    or something very similar to that about 15 times a day.

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