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  1. #1
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    Default why do infjs care so much about people/relationships/interactions

    i'm new to all this, so maybe it's been covered elsewhere in another thread, or in a profile somewhere online. if so, feel free to point me in that direction and i'll be on my way :)

    but if anyone else can relate to this...here's my question:

    i'm not insecure, clingy, or have self esteem issues. i've got my flaws, as does everyone, but in the scheme of things, i'm not so bad :) i'm confident in myself, i'm happy with who i am, look for areas of improvement, and try to keep all that in perspective. and i work to make sure those around me are happy and harmonious.

    and yet, i have this (sometimes irrational-seeming) need to connect with people *positively*, to improve relationships, etc. and it seems that i, more than most, stress over potential misunderstandings or tensions in relationships. can anyone relate to this (other infjs)? do you find that relationships (either that you're in, or that you observe amongst others) are more important to you than to others? how do you deal with the stress of being the one who notices and cares?

    (this may also be a wild extrapolation to all infjs...feel free to point if it doesn't really apply. like i said, new to all this :)

  2. #2
    mrs disregard's Avatar
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    Extraverted Feeling.

  3. #3
    almost nekkid scantilyclad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dana View Post
    Extraverted Feeling.
    indeed.
    INFP 4w5
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    The pain won't let me get away.

  4. #4
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    hm. if either of you, or anyone else, has the time and inclination to elaborate on this, it'd be most appreciated. but very nice to know, at least, that there's an inkling of shared experience here...

    any infjs have tips on how to reign this in? or how you manage to juggle all that this tendency entails?

  5. #5
    mrs disregard's Avatar
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    Extraverted Feeling - Considering others and responding to them. The extraverted Feeling process is used in relation to particular people and situations and so has a more here-and-now quality than a universal, future, or past quality. When particular people are out of our presence or awareness, we can then adjust to new people or situations. This process helps us "grease the wheels" of social interaction. Often, the process of extraverted Feeling seems to involve a desire to connect with (or disconnect from) others and is often evidenced by expressions of warmth (or displeasure) and self-disclosure. The "social graces" such as being polite, being nice, being friendly, being considerate, and being appropriate often revolve around the process of extraverted Feeling. Associated behaviors might include remembering birthdays, finding just the right card for a person and selecting a gift based on what a person likes. Keeping in touch, laughing at jokes when others laugh, and trying to get people to act kindly to each other also involve extraverted Feeling. Using this process, we respond according to expressed or even unexpressed wants and needs of others. We may ask people what they want or need or self-disclose to prompt them to talk more about themselves. This often sparks conversation and lets us know more about them so we can better adjust our behavior to them.
    Jungian Function Theory

    An assortment of related links:

    Extraverted Feeling
    Extraverted Feeling
    Extraverted Feeling

  6. #6
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    okay, so clearly i've asked a rather elementary question.

    thanks for the posts and the patience :)

  7. #7
    mrs disregard's Avatar
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    No, you didn't. You asked lots of great, complex questions. I only addressed the one in the title of the thread.

  8. #8
    Senior Member Griffi97's Avatar
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    Yes, Peppermint, there are others here who share your pain. It pretty much sucks.

    I wish I didn't care so much about whether or not people like me. I even go through periods when I try to tell myself I don't care. But they never last long.

    I have been upset for weeks to months, even years, after a fight or blow-up with a friend or aquaintance. The closer the friend, the longer the pain. I wish I could just write that crap off, but it is very, very difficult for me.

    On the bright side, Fe helps us connect and care about others, and I think overall that's a good thing.
    If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.
    -Henry David Thoreau

  9. #9
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    Not sure if this gets at the question, but I have this weird foundational belief in essential human dignity and I think this is what drives my trying, inasmuch as it relies on me, to keep relationships positive. This means being polite, listening, imparting dignity by way of my attention and concern to all....from my boss to the cleaning lady. I've been this way for a long time and is does seem to have an overall good effect.

    That said, I know there are a few people who don't like me for one reason or another. I treat them well, too, so I suspect their dislike is based on their own issues/perspective rather than mine. I leave them to sort out their own affairs...which in itself is a sign of repect. Some things just take time...and some things never happen at all.

    Since I have little to fret over regarding relationships, I have little to care, or not care, about....things just rock along pretty smoothly.

  10. #10
    Senior Member wedekit's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by gokartride View Post

    That said, I know there are a few people who don't like me for one reason or another. I treat them well, too, so I suspect their dislike is based on their own issues/perspective rather than mine. I leave them to sort out their own affairs...which in itself is a sign of repect. Some things just take time...and some things never happen at all.
    Yes. In fact, I go out of my way to be nice to people who don't like me. I like to do it in front of a whole lot of people to, that way none of them can honestly say that I'm not a kind person. They can hold any grudge they want.

    People who don't like my integrity are usually the people who end up not liking me. Some people see me being nice to people I don't like as being phony, but I see it as being professional and civil. I used to cower beneath the idea of someone not liking me. Now that I have a little more confidence in myself I just brush it off the best I can.

    But yeah, I wish I didn't care about other people so much in general.
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