[NF] Are INFPs hopeless in love?

[lulabelle]

Awkward thread title, but can't change it apparently. Anyway.

That's the sense I get from perusing reddit, here, and various forums.
Other types strongly prefer non-INFPs, and often describe past relationships with INFPs as horrible experiences.
Does our Dom-Fi make us largely unloveable? I feel like people mainly talk about it as a weakness.
Do most of us find it impossible to be in a fulfulling, romantic love?
Feel a bit disheartened the more I read about INFPs and how others perceive us :/
I know I shouldn't let it get to me but I feel so similar to many INFPs that post, and
I can't imagine I'll experience things much better.

Are INFPs hopeless at not double posting? THIS one is.

 

[SD45T-2]

I know there are at least a few who have had successful relationships.

 

[Lady Lazarus]

No. Individuals most always far from speak for the rest. The rest also most often do not speak for the individual.

For every INFP serial killer there is an INFP saint and vise versa/everything inbetween(of course then there must also exist INFP serial killers who consider themselves saints but lets not talk about them right now...)that applies towards every type. MBTI isn't a fortune telling tool. No type is predestined for anything. That would make everything duller.

Also, if Fi dominance where a criteria for repulsiveness then ISFP's would also be in that boat with INFP's. I personally have a weak stomach so to speak when it comes to Fe but that doesn't mean every other person in the world does too. There are many out there who love Fi(not specifically speaking of course, as that would be incredibly odd).

In this scenerio, I think it's important to remember that the first step towards losing is taken very early on. By already counting yourself out or expecting things to go badly for yourself from the get go you may fulfill your own prophecy. It's not destiny it's choice within the guise of certainty.

Your type alone will not dictate your love life. Your choices, your mindset, that's what is important.

Keep your chin up and realize that you alone are in control of your life in most all it's aspects.

 

[lulabelle]

No. Individuals most always far from speak for the rest. The rest also most often do not speak for the individual.

For every INFP serial killer there is an INFP saint and vise versa/everything inbetween(of course then there must also exist INFP serial killers who consider themselves saints but lets not talk about them right now...)that applies towards every type. MBTI isn't a fortune telling tool. No type is predestined for anything. That would make everything duller.

Also, if Fi dominance where a criteria for repulsiveness then ISFP's would also be in that boat with INFP's. I personally have a weak stomach so to speak when it comes to Fe but that doesn't mean every other person in the world does too. There are many out there who love Fi(not specifically speaking of course, as that would be incredibly odd).

In this scenerio, I think it's important to remember that the first step towards losing is taken very early on. By already counting yourself out or expecting things to go badly for yourself from the get go you may fulfill your own prophecy. It's not destiny it's choice within the guise of certainty.

Your type alone will not dictate your love life. Your choices, your mindset, that's what is important.

Keep your chin up and realize that you alone are in control of your life in most all it's aspects.

i know. a person has to pretend like they're in control to ever get anywhere. or i guess, commit to fully living forward in spite of the uncertainty.

i probably shouldn't have said Fi-dom. it isn't exclusively Fi-dom that makes us romantically repulsive to most, it's the special combination of Fi-dom + dreaminess and rumination + perceiving, which makes us really in our own worlds and bad at following though.
i don't think it's hopeless but i do think that the way we're wired is a recipe for greater difficulty in romantic relationships than most. I've had INFJs tell me that our special brand of Fi-dom just isn't accessible through Fe or logic. it's something that a person can't really understand or fully relate to unless they have it, I think. Fe is a lot more accessible. And coupled with Si and Ne, we're emotionally so intense and unpredictable in many ways + unreachable sometimes because we're so inside of ourselves + often living in the past.

i see NFs like INFJs and ENFPs and i'm jealous. they all seem to have this special connection with other types... every NT seems to LOVE INFJs (you see soooo many INFJs in very happy, not super trying relationships with ENTPs, INTPs, INTJs and ENFPs as well), and INTJs and ENTJs and INFJs LOVE ENFPs. i can't help but feel like the way i'm wired is inadequate in attracting the kind of people i enjoy longterm. i get the sense that there are people fundamentally far more complementary that should be dating a certain person. obviously everyone is different and everyone has their struggles but on the whole it just seems like a lot more work for us to be appealing as a longterm romantic partner. it's almost like we were made to be these art machines and then die LULZ. kidding but kinda not!

 

[Lady Lazarus]

i know. a person has to pretend like they're in control to ever get anywhere. or i guess, fully live forward in spite of the uncertainty.

i probably shouldn't have said Fi-dom. it isn't Fi-dom by itself that makes us romantically repulsive to most, it's the special combination of Fi-dom + dreaminess and rumination + perceiving, which makes us really in our own worlds and bad at following though.
i don't think it's hopeless but i do think that the way we're wired is a recipe for greater difficulty in romantic relationships than most. I've had INFJs tell me that our special brand of Fi-dom just isn't accessible through Fe or logic. it's something that a person can't really understand or fully relate to unless they have it, I think. Fe is a lot more accessible. And coupled with Si and Ne, we're emotionally so intense and unpredictable in many ways + unreachable sometimes because we're so inside of ourselves

i see NFs like INFJs and ENFPs and i'm jealous. they all seem to have this special connection with other types... every NT seems to LOVE INFJs (you see soooo many INFJs in very happy, not super trying relationships with ENTPs, INTPs, INTJs and ENFPs as well), and INTJs and ENTJs and INFJs LOVE ENFPs. i can't help but feel like the way i'm wired is inadequate in attracting the kind of people i enjoy longterm. i get the sense that there are people fundamentally far more complementary that should be dating a certain person. obviously everyone is different but on the whole it just seems like a lot more work for us to be appealing as a longterm romantic partner. it's almost like we were made to be these art machines and then die LULZ. kidding but kinda not!

Yes I could see how those qualities could make things difficult in a unique ways however I wouldn't at all say it's more difficult than most for us, as I feel every type has it's unique set of challanges. Once I used to think I had it more difficult than others but that was when I found myself in a Fi-Si loop, unable to look outside myself whatsoever and consider anything other than what I had already established/believed to be true. The truth is others have it just as difficult as I do in other areas of their lives. We all struggle, and it all practically amounts to the same in the end, we all just deal differently. It is all however, valid of course. I feel this principle of sorts also lends itself well to relationships. Some INFP's may be brooding and unpredictable but some ESFJ's may also be moody and unpredictable(especially since their shadow is ISFP...) or have their won unique struggles such as being too demanding or pushy and whatnot.

Nonetheless, yes I can see how the INFP brand of Fi may be seen as idiosyncratic and unreachable because well it is and in turn we are(well some of us at least)...However, being emotionally intese is not necesarily a disadvantage and neither is unpredictability, with the right partner, the sort of person who may appreciate and understand those qualities, they may be assets and not drawbacks. It's all very subjective.

I feel this is all perhaps more of an e4+INFP thing than just an INFP thing being that as a 9 I've always sort of felt that I deserve someone who understands that my flaws are not simply and two dimensionally flaws but also attributes of myself, the person they love and therefore they must also love my flaws as I do. That I deserve someone and that this someone will come along(this is one of the few aspects of destiny I can buy into actually). Love has always been the place wiithin which I've always felt deserving and confident in myself in a way. As well as feel that yes I have difficulty in some aspects in regards to relationships but then again so do the other 15 types in different aspects as they are individuals first and foremost.

In regards to your final paragraph, in that frame I can somewhat see how you would percieve it to be more difficult for INFP's, and in a sense I can relate as I too feel Fi's sort of slow connection building(as oppose to Fe's rapid connection building) may indeed in at least a few ways make it dfficult for one to form connections with others in a way that may seem inacessible or difficult.

Yet, we do not suffer any more or any less than others holistically speaking, our challanges are individual but that doesn't make our suffering any more special or intensified. The other NF's aren't better, and neither are any of the rest of the types so there's not really any reason to be jealous that I can percieve. Sure, they may seemingly have it easier on the surface to some but no one but them knows what lies below that. To assume that they have it "good" is a bit superficial as well as blanket-like.

 

[lulabelle]

Yes I could see how those qualities could make things difficult in a unique ways however I wouldn't at all say it's more difficult than most for us, as I feel every type has it's unique set of challanges. Once I used to think I had it more difficult than others but that was when I found myself in a Fi-Si loop, unable to look outside myself whatsoever and consider anything other than what I had already established/believed to be true. The truth is others have it just as difficult as I do in other areas of their lives. We all struggle, and it all practically amounts to the same in the end, we all just deal differently. It is all however, valid of course. Some INFP's may be brooding and unpredictable but some ESFJ's may also be moody and unpredictable(especially since their shadow is ISFP...) or have their won unique struggles such as being too demanding or pushy and whatnot.

Nonetheless, yes I can see how the INFP brand of Fi may be seen as idiosyncratic and unreachable because well it is and in turn we are...However, being emotionally intese is not necesarily a disadvantage and neither is unpredictability, with the right partner, the sort of person who may appreciate and understand those qualities, they may be assets and not drawbacks. It's all very subjective.

I feel this is all perhaps more of an e4+INFP thing than just an INFP thing being that as a 9 I've always sort of felt that I deserve someone who understands that my flaws are not simply and two dimensionally flaws but also attributes of myself, the person they love and therefore they must also love my flaws as I do. That I deserve someone and that this someone will come along(this is one of the few aspects of destiny I can buy into actually). Love has always been the place wiithin which I've always felt deserving and confident in myself in a way. As well as feel that yes I have difficulty in some aspects in regards to relationships but then again so do the other 15 types in different aspects as they are individuals first and foremost.

In regards to your final paragraph, in that frame I can somewhat see how you would percieve it to be more difficult for INFP's, and in a sense I can relate as I too feel Fi's sort of slow connection building(as oppose to Fe's rapid connection building) may indeed in at least a few ways make it dfficult for one to form connections with others in a way that may seem inacessible or difficult.

Yet, we do not suffer any more or any less than others holistically speaking, our challanges are individual but that doesn't make our suffering any more special or intensified. The other NF's aren't better, and neither are any of the rest of the types so there's not really any reason to be jealous that I can percieve. Sure, they may seemingly have it easier on the surface to some but no one but them knows what lies below that.

i guess i've internalized a lot of judgment throughout the yrs for being 'weird.' when i go online + read all this stuff about how INFPs are batshit insane and horrible at relationships and useless at life (pretty much) i can't help but let it in, in some small way. i know it's rly silly!
maybe it is a 4w5 thing because i have this need to express and be entirely accepted for my quirks and perceived Weirdness + at the same time i'm thinking that i need to tone things down to relate to people who are different from me + whose perspectives i can benefit from but to what degree should i compromise/present myself in a way that doesn't feel entirely True? should this be in the cards at all? i wish i didn't care.

 

[Evee]

Enneagram fours.

 

[Arctic Hysteria]

Yes. INFP e4, especially.
Partly because we fall in love too deeply. Partly because we're too idealistic and we search for that something special that is almost non-existent.

 

[Mole]

Naturally INFPs fall hopelessly in love; this is part of their charm.

 

[lulabelle]

Naturally INFPs fall hopelessly in love; this is part of their charm.

i meant to title my post 'hopeless AT love'
and re:longterm love. not sweet infatuation.

 

[Mole]

i meant to title my post 'hopeless AT love'
and re:longterm love. not sweet infatuation.

Those who fall hopelessly in love are not hopeless at love; quite the opposite, for there is a tide in the affairs of lovers, which, taken at the flood, leads on to love; Omitted, all the voyage of their life is bound in shallows and in miseries.

 

[Arctic Hysteria]

Those who fall hopelessly in love are not hopeless at love; quite the opposite, [...]

Agreed.

 

[lulabelle]

Those who fall hopelessly in love are not hopeless at love; quite the opposite, for there is a tide in the affairs of lovers, which, taken at the flood, leads on to love; Omitted, all the voyage of their life is bound in shallows and in miseries.

 

[Firebird 8118]

Yes. INFP e4, especially.
Partly because we fall in love too deeply. Partly because we're too idealistic and we search for that something special that is almost non-existent.

Interesting point made thanks for sharing!

 

[OrangeAppled]

If I recall correctly (and my memory for facts is faulty, if these can be called facts to begin with), then the info out there on type relationships and satisfaction show the following:

- INFPs are rated highly by their partners in terms of satisfaction. So other people seem to like INFPs for romantic partners if they manage to get into a relationship with one of us.
- INFPs rate their own satisfaction with their partners much lower, perhaps meaning we are hard to please idealists (but we knew that). However, since we easily please despite not being pleased, this must means we end up with emotionally oblivious partners...
- INFP females seem to pair off with STJ males more frequently than odds should suggest (see above about "emotionally oblivious" partners)
- INFPs, along with INTPs, are the type least likely to marry, or perhaps more likely to marry later in life (?). This ties in with being hard to please idealists. Perhaps it's not that we are not picked by others, but that we ourselves are picky and discount those who would pick us.

I'm going to take a stab here & guess that the INFPs & INTPs who fall into the above category are likely 4s & 5s too.... The combo of begin an IxxP AND at the "bottom" of the enneagram means you're very much an "outsider" in life.

Lastly, INFPs are defined as rather "opposite" of ESTJs & generally "resisting" the ExxJ manner which is seen as ideal in many societies. This tends to mean we get crap projected onto us that is not true or fair. People assume if you are not possessing X good quality, then you are its opposite. But just because we may not have the associated strengths of the ExxJ types doesn't mean we are simply their a "void" of those strengths. The stereotypes & perceptions of INFPs seem to promote we are the void, or the lack of admirable human qualities aside from some cutesy, fluffy sh*t people pat us on the head over. We end up being painted as the "dumbest" & least useful of the INxx types too.

This means that people will not envision an INFP as their ideal partner, because they fail to correctly envision an INFP. It may also mean that they cannot envision a good relationship outside of the cultural concepts handed to them, which an INFP may not fit, but that doesn't mean the INFP is incapable of creating a good relationship or being a good partner (especially if you consider the cultural concepts can be very flawed & narrow). Here, the limited conception of what an INFP is and how we may function in a relationship is the issue, not the reality of INFPs.

The good news is, we do not walk around with MBTI labels stuck on our foreheads nor slapped onto our backs, and so IRL, where these stereotypes are not attached to us automatically, we are dealt with as individuals. I don't find the majority of perceptions about INFPs around here to apply to me; most seem to just regurgitate poorly written profiles without having even properly digested them to begin with (ie. how they imagine the profile plays out vs what it's really referring to). This is evident in the mass of contradictions out there regarding INFPs (although certainly real individuals are full of contradictions too).

The anecdotes of INFPs that people give also do not align with the feedback I am given from those who know me in person. I'm pretty sure they don't even align with my image here either, and they certainly don't resonate with my sense of self. In person, I am not seen as cutesy or fluffy or someone to condescend to, but am generally taken seriously and seen as insightful, intelligent and analytical as the reputations the other INxx types are automatically granted.

 

[Southern Kross]

This means that people will not envision an INFP as their ideal partner, because they fail to correctly envision an INFP.

So friggin true.

Although it's not nearly as bad here as some other forums out there.

The good news is, we do not walk around with MBTI labels stuck on our foreheads nor slapped onto our backs, and so IRL, where these stereotypes are not attached to us automatically, we are dealt with as individuals. I don't find the majority of perceptions about INFPs around here to apply to me; most seem to just regurgitate poorly written profiles without having even properly digested them to begin with (ie. how they imagine the profile plays out vs what it's really referring to). This is evident in the mass of contradictions out there regarding INFPs (although certainly real individuals are full of contradictions too).

The anecdotes of INFPs that people give also do not align with the feedback I am given from those who know me in person. I'm pretty sure they don't even align with my image here either, and they certainly don't resonate with my sense of self. In person, I am not seen as cutesy or fluffy or someone to condescend to, but am generally taken seriously and seen as insightful, intelligent and analytical as the reputations the other INxx types are automatically granted.

Preach it sister!

 

[st-t-toat]

... for there is a tide in the affairs of lovers, which, taken at the flood, leads on to love; Omitted, all the voyage of their life is bound in shallows and in miseries.

quite lovely Mole! you are so so the bard!

 

[Noll]

My INFP friend who is the same age as me is very successful when it comes to romance, I however, am not. I'd call myself a hopeless romantic, someone who gets infatuated very easily without even talking to the person. I know an INTJ who is like this too. Now that I think about it I have another INFP friend who is just like me, and an ISFJ. Don't think this is necessarily bound to type. Maybe it has to do with Enneagram, those I mentioned who are like me are actually sx-lasts.

 

[Arctic Hysteria]

If I recall correctly (and my memory for facts is faulty, if these can be called facts to begin with), then the info out there on type relationships and satisfaction show the following:

- INFPs are rated highly by their partners in terms of satisfaction. So other people seem to like INFPs for romantic partners if they manage to get into a relationship with one of us.
- INFPs rate their own satisfaction with their partners much lower, perhaps meaning we are hard to please idealists (but we knew that). However, since we easily please despite not being pleased, this must means we end up with emotionally oblivious partners...
- INFP females seem to pair off with STJ males more frequently than odds should suggest (see above about "emotionally oblivious" partners)
- INFPs, along with INTPs, are the type least likely to marry, or perhaps more likely to marry later in life (?). This ties in with being hard to please idealists. Perhaps it's not that we are not picked by others, but that we ourselves are picky and discount those who would pick us.

I'm going to take a stab here & guess that the INFPs & INTPs who fall into the above category are likely 4s & 5s too.... The combo of begin an IxxP AND at the "bottom" of the enneagram means you're very much an "outsider" in life.

Lastly, INFPs are defined as rather "opposite" of ESTJs & generally "resisting" the ExxJ manner which is seen as ideal in many societies. This tends to mean we get crap projected onto us that is not true or fair. People assume if you are not possessing X good quality, then you are its opposite. But just because we may not have the associated strengths of the ExxJ types doesn't mean we are simply their a "void" of those strengths. The stereotypes & perceptions of INFPs seem to promote we are the void, or the lack of admirable human qualities aside from some cutesy, fluffy sh*t people pat us on the head over. We end up being painted as the "dumbest" & least useful of the INxx types too.

This means that people will not envision an INFP as their ideal partner, because they fail to correctly envision an INFP. It may also mean that they cannot envision a good relationship outside of the cultural concepts handed to them, which an INFP may not fit, but that doesn't mean the INFP is incapable of creating a good relationship or being a good partner (especially if you consider the cultural concepts can be very flawed & narrow). Here, the limited conception of what an INFP is and how we may function in a relationship is the issue, not the reality of INFPs.

[...]

Amen

 

[skylights]

Dom Fi + Ne/Si certainly has its weaknesses, but like OA said, I think that Fi is a fairly misunderstood function in the sense of how it works as a Judging - analytical and weighing - process. It gets a reputation for being fluffy or oversensitive, as what people do not tend to see is the intricacy of thought and strength of value going into our judgments. They can't get inside our heads, after all, unfortunately for them.

And, while Fi might be a unique challenge to deal with in a partner (as if some others aren't... Fe? Ti?!? ), I think it also has a particular strength in a relationship when it comes to gauging the holistic wellbeing of the pairing as well as the individual wellbeing of each participant. We have an especially good "radar" for how each person is doing and for what can be done to make them feel more fulfilled and whole.

I also do think what others have pointed out about NFP idealism is true as well... We are hard to please, plus Ne makes us exploratory. That can yield an internal challenge to be happy with reality and without seeking something better. (I do think probably some of the inadequacy feelings are a 4 or 4w5 thing more than an MBTI thing. I have a bit of a different set of concerns as a 6.) At the same time, speaking of Fi strengths - I think we are less likely to misread the quality of someone's character. We probably tend to avoid some of the pitfalls other types can more easily get caught in, like staying with someone who is unsure they want a relationship. One of the qualities of Fi is to be more unyielding, and less likely to allow violation of our wellbeing. I say this because I have a few friends who are feeling the impact of giving a bit too much leeway in their relationships right now... And I think those situations are something IxFPs are far less likely to find themselves in.

As for reddit... I think take any compilation of opinion on the internet with a grain of salt. When I was exploring careers, I developed a (bad, in retrospect) habit for a while of researching people's career experiences online. They seemed to always be overwhelmingly negative. After becoming increasingly terrified of everything I was researching, I realized that this probably has more to do with the internet than reality. It's a place where you can freely dump venting with no consequence. And the people who are happy - with their careers, with their relationships - are less likely to be venting online and more likely to just be living and enjoying their lives. Internet opinion tends to be skewed negative.

My final thought is, at least for myself, I have discovered that it is my pattern in life to tend to take longer than average to get around to things. Reading... Writing... Peer socialization... Choosing a major... I tend to hold back and observe for a long time. But then, when I do enter the fray, I tend to do well. Relationships have been no different for me. I didn't enter a serious relationship until my early twenties. Now I am a little more than three years into it and still very happy. So no, I do not think it is impossible for us to find fulfilling romantic love.

I do agree, however, to being hopeless at double posting.