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  1. #1
    Junior Member Mermaid's Avatar
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    Default How can I Put an INFP at ease?

    Any advice on how can I put an infp person at ease who is coming to stay at my house and do some work? I'm pretty sure I got off on the wrong foot with him last time he was here... I'm also pretty sure it's my S clashing with his N but I'm also more an sj to his (probably) np.

    I spend a lot of time alone and I get nervous having someone staying in my house, especially for days on end. But I really like him and want to be relaxed so we can both have a positive experience and be ourselves. I have a place for him to stay where he's totally private and have given him a lot of free reign to do the jobs in whatever order/fashion he feels is best....gave him flexibility of time to do however many hours feel comfortable to him...But my tension, I'm sure, is palpable.

    As an aside, the (Intj) person who first had me tested said he was nearly certain I was not an extravert even though I scored more extravert the first time around. But I'm pretty talkative. Okay, sometimes TOO talkative.

    I come from a family of sort of compulsively talkative introverts....Like out of social nervousness we just begin talking just to not be completely silent dorks...hopefully talking about something halfway deep and interesting, but not always. I know for me I didn't want to come off as seeming aloof because I don't usually feel that way inside. Plus I think I spend SO much time alone that when I finally get around someone I like I have a tendency to talk too much.

    Sometimes the more nervous I get the more chatty I get, too. It's like I was trying to say what I wanted to say but was too nervous to narrow it down into a concise, cohesive thread. Like now. And it seemed like the more nervous he got (either just because of whatever was in his head or because I was draining him or something else) he got very polite, quiet, and made sort of abstract comments and plays on words. I'm not that great at grasping the abstract (I know. SHOCK) unless I'm relaxed and feel the person won't judge me if I don't get it immediately. If I have a moment to sort of relax, i enjoy more abstract topics. It relaxes me from my overly rigid planning and worrying.

    My point is (yes, there is a point), I really like this person and feel we could be friends. And I'd like to have more insight into how to put him at ease so we can begin to feel we can both be ourselves. But he seemed overwhelmed and drained and maybe a bit shut down the last couple times I talked with him. I know it might just be where he's at and may have nothing to do with me. But if it is me, I'd like to be able to meet him halfway and make this a comfortable and creative time for us both. I think we could find alot of common ground, but my attempts to connect the last time he was here seemed almost to make things worse. And we have gotten along the few times we met in the past.

    I know this is all over the place....But if any one has advice I could sure use it. Thanks.

  2. #2
    Junior Member Brutus01's Avatar
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    just be yourself . If theirs anything i hate its fakeness ,and i can sense it from a mile away. it takes me awhile to get comfortable around extravert's but once i get familiar with someone everything gets very relaxed. so in a gist i would say just give it time, get to know eachother more.
    "It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for something you are not." ~Andre Gide

  3. #3
    Junior Member Sequestered's Avatar
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    Default Enjoy the Silence

    Quote Originally Posted by Mermaid View Post
    Any advice on how can I put an infp person at ease who is coming to stay at my house and do some work?...I think I spend SO much time alone that when I finally get around someone I like I have a tendency to talk too much.
    My advice is to get alllll the talkativeness out of your system before he gets there. And convince yourself that long awkward silences are not awkward but rather cherished by some people!

    My Mom (an INTJ) spends all day home alone - as soon as my Dad and I walk in the door from a long day of work she wants to talk our ears off and we both get away from her and tune her out as soon as possible. And it's not like she's asking about our day or anything, she just goes off on long monologues about things that have no interest us.

    I had an LDR with an INFP and our weekends together were very nice. A few times we met up in Vegas. We gambled some (doesn't require talking) but mostly went to the movies or went out to eat (neither require talking). At home we'd rent movies and watch together cuddled up on the couch; during which I would fall asleep about half-way through. Those were great weekends!

    I have found INFP togetherness enjoyable during the following scenarios:
    - One person cooking, the other person reading, writing, or just thinking, while sitting at the kitchen table
    - Silently driving in the car
    - Going out to eat, people-watching, and not talking much
    - Going to the movie theater
    - Reading "together," different books, same room, or different rooms
    - Doing your own thing (one person goes out shopping or to meet up with friends, the other person stays home or goes somewhere else to shop or meets up with their own friends).

    Hope that helps.

  4. #4
    Junior Member Mermaid's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Brutus01 View Post
    just be yourself . If theirs anything i hate its fakeness ,and i can sense it from a mile away. it takes me awhile to get comfortable around extravert's but once i get familiar with someone everything gets very relaxed. so in a gist i would say just give it time, get to know eachother more.
    Thanks. That's really good advice. Why didn't I think of that? Sometimes the simple, obvious answers elude me......

  5. #5
    no clinkz 'til brooklyn Nocapszy's Avatar
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    Euthanasia typically works.
    we fukin won boys

  6. #6
    Junior Member Mermaid's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sequestered View Post
    My advice is to get alllll the talkativeness out of your system before he gets there. And convince yourself that long awkward silences are not awkward but rather cherished by some people!

    My Mom (an INTJ) spends all day home alone - as soon as my Dad and I walk in the door from a long day of work she wants to talk our ears off and we both get away from her and tune her out as soon as possible. And it's not like she's asking about our day or anything, she just goes off on long monologues about things that have no interest us.

    I had an LDR with an INFP and our weekends together were very nice. A few times we met up in Vegas. We gambled some (doesn't require talking) but mostly went to the movies or went out to eat (neither require talking). At home we'd rent movies and watch together cuddled up on the couch; during which I would fall asleep about half-way through. Those were great weekends!

    I have found INFP togetherness enjoyable during the following scenarios:
    - One person cooking, the other person reading, writing, or just thinking, while sitting at the kitchen table
    - Silently driving in the car
    - Going out to eat, people-watching, and not talking much
    - Going to the movie theater
    - Reading "together," different books, same room, or different rooms
    - Doing your own thing (one person goes out shopping or to meet up with friends, the other person stays home or goes somewhere else to shop or meets up with their own friends).

    Hope that helps.

    I'll try (to get the talkativeness out of my system). This is more a work than a play situation or I don't think I'd be as tense. Plus it seems like the longer I've been isolated the more socially retarded I feel and the more I second guess myself and dwell on each response.

    I got him to take a break and take a walk one day when he said he had a headache and I bit my tongue and just walked so he could relax and open up more. It was totally comfortable (once my tongue stopped bleeding...)

    I seem to have developed a tendency to ramble to get my point across. There are things that I need to say regarding the job and I have some ambivilance about the best way to oversee the project. I guess going inside, centering, and just trusting that things will unfold the way they're meant to is kind of key here. I know a lot of this is just stuff my mind is creating and in reality everything's fine. Thanks for your thoughtful feedback.

  7. #7
    Senior Member sciski's Avatar
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    ^ I was going to suggest a sensual massage.

    Heh, your INFP will probably end up trying to put you at ease instead! But really, be yourself, while making an effort to be kind and not intrude on his personal space. As for the nervous talk, if you show you're aware of it but you're trying to cut it out, your INFP will be less inclined to get annoyed by it.

  8. #8
    Junior Member Mermaid's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nocapszy View Post
    Euthanasia typically works.

  9. #9
    Senior Member chris1207's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sequestered View Post
    My advice is to get alllll the talkativeness out of your system before he gets there. And convince yourself that long awkward silences are not awkward but rather cherished by some people!

    My Mom (an INTJ) spends all day home alone - as soon as my Dad and I walk in the door from a long day of work she wants to talk our ears off and we both get away from her and tune her out as soon as possible. And it's not like she's asking about our day or anything, she just goes off on long monologues about things that have no interest us.

    I had an LDR with an INFP and our weekends together were very nice. A few times we met up in Vegas. We gambled some (doesn't require talking) but mostly went to the movies or went out to eat (neither require talking). At home we'd rent movies and watch together cuddled up on the couch; during which I would fall asleep about half-way through. Those were great weekends!

    I have found INFP togetherness enjoyable during the following scenarios:
    - One person cooking, the other person reading, writing, or just thinking, while sitting at the kitchen table
    - Silently driving in the car
    - Going out to eat, people-watching, and not talking much
    - Going to the movie theater
    - Reading "together," different books, same room, or different rooms
    - Doing your own thing (one person goes out shopping or to meet up with friends, the other person stays home or goes somewhere else to shop or meets up with their own friends).

    Hope that helps.
    Do you enjoy longs walks on the beach.... with no talking?

    I hope I'm exhausting you with all this reading!
    "... you think deeply about stuff [that] nobody cares about and hardly anybody can understand you." ~ Peguy talking about Ni users. So true.

  10. #10
    Junior Member Mermaid's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sciski View Post
    ^ I was going to suggest a sensual massage.

    Heh, your INFP will probably end up trying to put you at ease instead! But really, be yourself, while making an effort to be kind and not intrude on his personal space. As for the nervous talk, if you show you're aware of it but you're trying to cut it out, your INFP will be less inclined to get annoyed by it.

    All good advice. My husband (who is out of town for several days at a time) may not entirely agree.....although as an enfp he's pretty open minded...And infp guy (still not sure about that...just guessing) does seem pretty understanding. And flirty. Come to think of it, THAT is where some of my nervousness has come from. And maybe his as well. Hmmm.

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