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[INFP] How can I Put an INFP at ease?

Mermaid

New member
Joined
Jul 28, 2008
Messages
12
MBTI Type
xxfj
Any advice on how can I put an infp person at ease who is coming to stay at my house and do some work? I'm pretty sure I got off on the wrong foot with him last time he was here... I'm also pretty sure it's my S clashing with his N but I'm also more an sj to his (probably) np.

I spend a lot of time alone and I get nervous having someone staying in my house, especially for days on end. But I really like him and want to be relaxed so we can both have a positive experience and be ourselves. I have a place for him to stay where he's totally private and have given him a lot of free reign to do the jobs in whatever order/fashion he feels is best....gave him flexibility of time to do however many hours feel comfortable to him...But my tension, I'm sure, is palpable.

As an aside, the (Intj) person who first had me tested said he was nearly certain I was not an extravert even though I scored more extravert the first time around. But I'm pretty talkative. Okay, sometimes TOO talkative.

I come from a family of sort of compulsively talkative introverts....Like out of social nervousness we just begin talking just to not be completely silent dorks...hopefully talking about something halfway deep and interesting, but not always. I know for me I didn't want to come off as seeming aloof because I don't usually feel that way inside. Plus I think I spend SO much time alone that when I finally get around someone I like I have a tendency to talk too much.

Sometimes the more nervous I get the more chatty I get, too. It's like I was trying to say what I wanted to say but was too nervous to narrow it down into a concise, cohesive thread. Like now. And it seemed like the more nervous he got (either just because of whatever was in his head or because I was draining him or something else) he got very polite, quiet, and made sort of abstract comments and plays on words. I'm not that great at grasping the abstract (I know. SHOCK) unless I'm relaxed and feel the person won't judge me if I don't get it immediately. If I have a moment to sort of relax, i enjoy more abstract topics. It relaxes me from my overly rigid planning and worrying.

My point is (yes, there is a point), I really like this person and feel we could be friends. And I'd like to have more insight into how to put him at ease so we can begin to feel we can both be ourselves. But he seemed overwhelmed and drained and maybe a bit shut down the last couple times I talked with him. I know it might just be where he's at and may have nothing to do with me. But if it is me, I'd like to be able to meet him halfway and make this a comfortable and creative time for us both. I think we could find alot of common ground, but my attempts to connect the last time he was here seemed almost to make things worse. And we have gotten along the few times we met in the past.

I know this is all over the place....But if any one has advice I could sure use it. Thanks.
 

Brutus01

New member
Joined
Jun 19, 2008
Messages
23
MBTI Type
INFP
just be yourself . If theirs anything i hate its fakeness ,and i can sense it from a mile away. it takes me awhile to get comfortable around extravert's but once i get familiar with someone everything gets very relaxed. so in a gist i would say just give it time, get to know eachother more.
 

Sequestered

New member
Joined
Jul 31, 2008
Messages
18
MBTI Type
INFP
Enjoy the Silence

Any advice on how can I put an infp person at ease who is coming to stay at my house and do some work?...I think I spend SO much time alone that when I finally get around someone I like I have a tendency to talk too much.

My advice is to get alllll the talkativeness out of your system before he gets there. And convince yourself that long awkward silences are not awkward but rather cherished by some people!

My Mom (an INTJ) spends all day home alone - as soon as my Dad and I walk in the door from a long day of work she wants to talk our ears off and we both get away from her and tune her out as soon as possible. And it's not like she's asking about our day or anything, she just goes off on long monologues about things that have no interest us.

I had an LDR with an INFP and our weekends together were very nice. A few times we met up in Vegas. We gambled some (doesn't require talking) but mostly went to the movies or went out to eat (neither require talking). At home we'd rent movies and watch together cuddled up on the couch; during which I would fall asleep about half-way through. Those were great weekends!

I have found INFP togetherness enjoyable during the following scenarios:
- One person cooking, the other person reading, writing, or just thinking, while sitting at the kitchen table
- Silently driving in the car
- Going out to eat, people-watching, and not talking much
- Going to the movie theater
- Reading "together," different books, same room, or different rooms
- Doing your own thing (one person goes out shopping or to meet up with friends, the other person stays home or goes somewhere else to shop or meets up with their own friends).

Hope that helps. :)
 

Mermaid

New member
Joined
Jul 28, 2008
Messages
12
MBTI Type
xxfj
just be yourself . If theirs anything i hate its fakeness ,and i can sense it from a mile away. it takes me awhile to get comfortable around extravert's but once i get familiar with someone everything gets very relaxed. so in a gist i would say just give it time, get to know eachother more.

Thanks. That's really good advice. :glasses: Why didn't I think of that? Sometimes the simple, obvious answers elude me......
 

Mermaid

New member
Joined
Jul 28, 2008
Messages
12
MBTI Type
xxfj
My advice is to get alllll the talkativeness out of your system before he gets there. And convince yourself that long awkward silences are not awkward but rather cherished by some people!

My Mom (an INTJ) spends all day home alone - as soon as my Dad and I walk in the door from a long day of work she wants to talk our ears off and we both get away from her and tune her out as soon as possible. And it's not like she's asking about our day or anything, she just goes off on long monologues about things that have no interest us.

I had an LDR with an INFP and our weekends together were very nice. A few times we met up in Vegas. We gambled some (doesn't require talking) but mostly went to the movies or went out to eat (neither require talking). At home we'd rent movies and watch together cuddled up on the couch; during which I would fall asleep about half-way through. Those were great weekends!

I have found INFP togetherness enjoyable during the following scenarios:
- One person cooking, the other person reading, writing, or just thinking, while sitting at the kitchen table
- Silently driving in the car
- Going out to eat, people-watching, and not talking much
- Going to the movie theater
- Reading "together," different books, same room, or different rooms
- Doing your own thing (one person goes out shopping or to meet up with friends, the other person stays home or goes somewhere else to shop or meets up with their own friends).

Hope that helps. :)


I'll try (to get the talkativeness out of my system). This is more a work than a play situation or I don't think I'd be as tense. Plus it seems like the longer I've been isolated the more socially retarded I feel and the more I second guess myself and dwell on each response.

I got him to take a break and take a walk one day when he said he had a headache and I bit my tongue and just walked so he could relax and open up more. It was totally comfortable (once my tongue stopped bleeding...)

I seem to have developed a tendency to ramble to get my point across. There are things that I need to say regarding the job and I have some ambivilance about the best way to oversee the project. I guess going inside, centering, and just trusting that things will unfold the way they're meant to is kind of key here. I know a lot of this is just stuff my mind is creating and in reality everything's fine. Thanks for your thoughtful feedback.
 

sciski

New member
Joined
Jan 7, 2008
Messages
467
MBTI Type
NSFW
Enneagram
6w7
^ I was going to suggest a sensual massage.

Heh, your INFP will probably end up trying to put you at ease instead! But really, be yourself, while making an effort to be kind and not intrude on his personal space. As for the nervous talk, if you show you're aware of it but you're trying to cut it out, your INFP will be less inclined to get annoyed by it. :)
 

chris1207

New member
Joined
Apr 11, 2008
Messages
467
MBTI Type
XNXX
Enneagram
3w2
My advice is to get alllll the talkativeness out of your system before he gets there. And convince yourself that long awkward silences are not awkward but rather cherished by some people!

My Mom (an INTJ) spends all day home alone - as soon as my Dad and I walk in the door from a long day of work she wants to talk our ears off and we both get away from her and tune her out as soon as possible. And it's not like she's asking about our day or anything, she just goes off on long monologues about things that have no interest us.

I had an LDR with an INFP and our weekends together were very nice. A few times we met up in Vegas. We gambled some (doesn't require talking) but mostly went to the movies or went out to eat (neither require talking). At home we'd rent movies and watch together cuddled up on the couch; during which I would fall asleep about half-way through. Those were great weekends!

I have found INFP togetherness enjoyable during the following scenarios:
- One person cooking, the other person reading, writing, or just thinking, while sitting at the kitchen table
- Silently driving in the car
- Going out to eat, people-watching, and not talking much
- Going to the movie theater
- Reading "together," different books, same room, or different rooms
- Doing your own thing (one person goes out shopping or to meet up with friends, the other person stays home or goes somewhere else to shop or meets up with their own friends).

Hope that helps. :)

Do you enjoy longs walks on the beach.... with no talking?

I hope I'm exhausting you with all this reading! :)
 

Mermaid

New member
Joined
Jul 28, 2008
Messages
12
MBTI Type
xxfj
^ I was going to suggest a sensual massage.

Heh, your INFP will probably end up trying to put you at ease instead! But really, be yourself, while making an effort to be kind and not intrude on his personal space. As for the nervous talk, if you show you're aware of it but you're trying to cut it out, your INFP will be less inclined to get annoyed by it. :)


All good advice. My husband (who is out of town for several days at a time) may not entirely agree.....although as an enfp he's pretty open minded...And infp guy (still not sure about that...just guessing) does seem pretty understanding. And flirty. Come to think of it, THAT is where some of my nervousness has come from. And maybe his as well. Hmmm.:reading:
 

Udog

Seriously Delirious
Joined
Aug 2, 2008
Messages
5,290
MBTI Type
INfp
Enneagram
9w1
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
Things that put me at ease when I'm with other 'S's:

Having common interests, and talking about them.
DOING shared interests together.
Shared sense of humor.
Shared sense of values. (Don't fake these, though. It's ok if our values differ, but it's good idea to defer any value conversations until we know each other better if you goal is to build comfort.)

Oddly enough, sharing your problems with us if we give you a window... which as an INFP I will constantly be doing. My empathy is one of my greatest gifts, and if someone shares themselves with me, and let's me empathize with them, I relate to them.
 

snowflurri

New member
Joined
Jul 5, 2008
Messages
40
MBTI Type
INFP
yeah, being yourself helps. don't try too hard to please an INFP, I think that sincerity matters the most.

If you want to put them at ease I guess conversation would be easiest, but it usually takes them awhile to open up so you need to be patient. Once they do, they're quite interesting to be around.
 

animenagai

New member
Joined
Aug 22, 2008
Messages
1,569
MBTI Type
NeFi
Enneagram
4w3
i agree witht he consensus here. be yourself but be friendly. i think he'll come around.
 

Jaded

New member
Joined
Oct 2, 2008
Messages
8
MBTI Type
INFP
Yeah i agree, when i feel someone is tryin to make me feel at ease, it does the opposite coz then i feel bad and i wana let them know that they dont have to try so hard, all that have to really do is jst wutever they would normally do...i wouldnt wana feel like im imposing or anything...and yes being sincere is key, anythin less i can honeslty sense a mile away and it pisses me of...so yh jst be urself and go with the flow...its not like INFP's are a foriegn creature or nything=P we wont cry and hide in the corner or nything jst deal with us normally and dont walk on eggshells round us=)...hope this helps!!
 

Neo Genesis

New member
Joined
Oct 7, 2008
Messages
322
MBTI Type
InFp
Enneagram
4w5
Yes, give him space, but more importantly, be calm around him. Honestly, nothing freaks me out more when someone is nervous around me. It makes me nervous, and then I start dwelling on all the different responses I gave, which only makes me more nervous. Eventually I just shut down.
 

placebo

New member
Joined
May 11, 2008
Messages
492
MBTI Type
INFP
If you feel really anxious/awkward about it maybe just tell him? I think INFPs would appreciate the stripped down honesty. At least let him understand why you're talking so much or seem so nervous so he doesn't think it's something else. INFPs can feel just as awkward or nervous so laying out your intentions in front of you (basically what you explained to us), but casually so, might be able to clear some things up and also show that you two can be open with each other.
 

mlittrell

New member
Joined
Sep 3, 2008
Messages
1,387
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
9w1
ya if you break the ice with an INFP all goes smoothly IMO.

this tactic worked beautifully with a good INFP friend i met at work.
 
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