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  1. #1
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    Default do infjs have a hard time making big decisions?

    Just curious--I have an infj friend who seems to have a hard time making big decisions, to the point of maybe not making a decision. I'm an enfj and I think I almost have too easy of a time making big decisions, maybe too impulsively sometimes. Do infjs just think and think and think?

  2. #2
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    I always over think, and second guess myself. More so because I want to make the "right" decision that I won't regret, and the decision that I feel is most appropriate and thought out.

  3. #3
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    how long might you take to make big decisions? is it days, weeks? months? thanks

  4. #4
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    Okay.

    College - Graduated high school in 2005. Applied to one university in my home town. Decided I wasn't sure if it was right for me. Went to a junior college. Following that year, decided I might like a school in the bay area. Went to that school. After a year of it, decided I didn't like it and might like somewhere else better. Went to a junior college again(third year of deciding), and am beginning my fourth year at another university. Except this time I can't change since I've done it so many times. I'd be wasting my time if I transferred again. So... all in all, it has been 4 years of college to finally decide on a place to go.

    College Major - Because of all the thought about my future career, I felt it was paramount that I have the right major that would suit me best. First year it was Biology. Just basic Biology that was on the pre-med prerequisite route. Second year, changed it to Molecular Cell Biology w/ Chemistry minor because I thought that I would be better prepared for medical school. Third year, switched it back to Biology. Fourth year, changed it to Kinesiology with plans to be a physical therapist because I believe I would be most happy with that. So four years again.

    Relationships(I consider this to be a big decision) - I consider it to be a big decision because I take relationships really seriously, and when I commit.. I really commit so it must be the right person. I make sure that I know the person really well, and make sure that I can hang out with them without getting annoyed/being annoying. This process is between 6 months to a year. Then after that, I decide that they are dating material, and if they stuck around that long, it must be worth it. And shortly after that, possibly move on to the next step etc. So that's a rather long thought process for a "big decision." And PS, during this time, I'm always analyzing the person and interpreting things they say and do and calculate that into whether or not they are the "right person."

    Jobs - I purposely worked at several different places to see where my niche was before making a more absolute decision. I tried several different jobs and endured them for at least a year, whether or not I liked it. I tried the UPS store for a year, tried the office "cubicle" job for a year for the state, worked at Starbucks for a year, sold on eBay, and so far none of those have worked out for me. Easy jobs, but it becomes mundane quickly and doesn't cater to my personality. I found that after two years of tennis and being in the athletic training room everyday for my injuries, I really liked that environment... being in the physical therapy department. So that took... 3 years to decide on that. And because I experienced the other jobs, I'm not going to feel like I missed out on other opportunities. I feel like I'm making the right choice.

    Purchases - I do EXTENSIVE research before I make any "expensive" purchases. Before I bought my laptop I kept second guessing myself about which one to pick out. Surf the net for reviews and prices daily, hoping that I find out something new. Before I got my laptop, I literally surfed the net for reviews and forums about every model for nearly 9 months. I wanted to make sure that I didn't pick the wrong one and regret it, wanted to make sure that I didn't buy one that would break down quickly, and wanted to make sure I got one that would last several years.
    When it came to purchasing a camera, surfed the net for 8 months consistently reading reviews. Etc as above.

    Hm I can't really think of anything else.. it's 1:36 AM here and I'm sleepy. Any other topics you want to know about let me know. =]

  5. #5
    Senior Member MrRandom's Avatar
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    Well said. Those qualities apply to me too. Basically that means a lot of research whether it's a big purchase or a dating possiblity or anything else. It can be anything from a month to a year.

    It all comes down to making the best possible choice (idealization, yeah). It's because we are so future-oriented.

  6. #6
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    Hi Guys,

    Thank you. I'm waiting for my Swede friend to decide if he's going to come visit--I've suggested he visit in October--leaves changing color, cooler weather like he likes, etc. This is the boyfriend I haven't seen in 10 years who I've been talking with over the last four months. Our two year relationship when he lived here in the States was filled with indecision about how to handle our relationship because he didn't know if he was going to stay in the US or not. He just never explained to me that that was the source of his indecision. My understanding, per him, is that he did have strong feelings for me, that I wasn't the issue, but that he just never knew if he would stay in the US. Back then, I ended the relationship because it felt too painful to wait for him to figure things out and he had never told me what the problem was. Now ten years later he's been more forthcoming with his thoughts (to some degree anyway). He just went on a 10-day camping trip in the Arctic Circle with a couple friends, hoping to get his head clear, to decide if he's going to come visit. But based on a brief IM we shared a few days ago, my impression is that he still hasn't decided. We're supposed to talk tomorrow and I feel so nervous. I'm afraid that his pattern of indecision will be just as present now as it was ten years ago and I'll just end up with hurt feelings again. I told him that if he didn't think he could/wanted to visit, then I don't think we should continue to communicate because I just end up feeling pangs of missing him and I'm not able to feel indifferent about his visiting. I also told him that I wasn't trying to be mean with that, but that I didn't want to end up feeling like I was in a continual holding pattern again ten years later. Very frustrating. So nervous. I have no idea what he'll say. Part of me doesn't want to cut him off because I care for him so strongly, but I know what it did to me to have feelings for someone who couldn't commit for so long ten years ago. Now I have a young child and don't want to be in the position of feeling so sad over someone--I don't want to feel that sadness myself, and I don't want my child to see me feeling that way. So I understand what both of you are saying below, but I guess I just don't want to be the subject of someone's close study like that. Maybe it is more just whether he wants to be in the US or not--I completely understand that. I just don't want my happiness to feel so connected to someone who can't decide what to do.

    Quote Originally Posted by tENnisFJ View Post
    Relationships(I consider this to be a big decision) - I consider it to be a big decision because I take relationships really seriously, and when I commit.. I really commit so it must be the right person. I make sure that I know the person really well, and make sure that I can hang out with them without getting annoyed/being annoying. This process is between 6 months to a year. Then after that, I decide that they are dating material, and if they stuck around that long, it must be worth it. And shortly after that, possibly move on to the next step etc. So that's a rather long thought process for a "big decision." And PS, during this time, I'm always analyzing the person and interpreting things they say and do and calculate that into whether or not they are the "right person."

    Well said. Those qualities apply to me too. Basically that means a lot of research whether it's a big purchase or a dating possiblity or anything else. It can be anything from a month to a year.

    It all comes down to making the best possible choice (idealization, yeah). It's because we are so future-oriented. =]

  7. #7
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    No, I do as well as anyone making big decisions. If I have learned one thing here it is that individuals, even of the same type, are all over the map based on their own unique experiences and circumstances. I have a family, career and the whole bit, so I had to step up my game decades ago. Actually, I tend to twirl ideas around interiorly for so long and so far ahead of others that I appear to act like a bolt of lightning....few realize all the consideration, thought, and in-seeing that goes on in quiet out of public view.

    I think my INFJ-ness finds it's fullest expression in other than purely domestic matters....larger issues that provide a sense of purpose and place and sureness for proceeding with life. Given this sense of a firm foundation and overall life orientation, I find I can be far more adventurous, spontaneous, and even reckless than many around me. It's like I can read the map, and I know where the cliffs, canyons, and sinkholes are....so once you know all that you can explore all you want...all over the map...with a great sense of safety.

  8. #8
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    That sounds wonderful gokart. May I ask your age? You sound super solid--your family is lucky



    Quote Originally Posted by gokartride View Post
    No, I do as well as anyone making big decisions. If I have learned one thing here it is that individuals, even of the same type, are all over the map based on their own unique experiences and circumstances. I have a family, career and the whole bit, so I had to step up my game decades ago. Actually, I tend to twirl ideas around interiorly for so long and so far ahead of others that I appear to act like a bolt of lightning....few realize all the consideration, thought, and in-seeing that goes on in quiet out of public view.

    I think my INFJ-ness finds it's fullest expression in other than purely domestic matters....larger issues that provide a sense of purpose and place and sureness for proceeding with life. Given this sense of a firm foundation and overall life orientation, I find I can be far more adventurous, spontaneous, and even reckless than many around me. It's like I can read the map, and I know where the cliffs, canyons, and sinkholes are....so once you know all that you can explore all you want...all over the map...with a great sense of safety.

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by grendiecat View Post
    May I ask your age? You sound super solid--your family is lucky
    I am almost 53, but I swear in my mind I am 180 (and I mean that in the good sense ).

  10. #10
    lurking.... Wyst's Avatar
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    I tend to make snap decisions with big things (relationships, going on trips, starting something/quitting something etc.).

    On the other hand I deliberate endlessly at the mundane, menial things. Like grocery shopping. What should be a 20 minute trip takes me 1 hour.

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