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  1. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by five sounds View Post
    Ah yes. I know this. It can be frustrating when I'm trying to discuss something important with my partner and he is just silent for a long time about it. But only if it's like a problem resolution thing. If you're experiencing this issue, my advice would be to tell her you need time to think. That way she doesn't misinterpret your silence as you ignoring what she just said. Does that seem to apply?
    Actually, that is not what I mean. What you describe sounds like some kind of freezing to me, and that's different. I do attend a discussion if I feel there is one, and in that case, I won't let the company wonder if I am going to say something or not. Furthermore, I myself don't like the other one "interrupting" a discussion with silence that way. What I mean is a situation when there is no real discussion going on, for example when something has just been discussed and no other "urgent" thing has come up yet. Or, to put it another way, nothing else has become urgent yet
    INTJ, HSP, 1w9 or tritype 154, sx/sp

  2. #12
    Senior Member ceecee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by gandalf View Post
    How do ENFx women tolerate silence in relationship? Do they at all?

    With silence, I don't mean not talking at all or being unable to talk about things that matter. What I mean is the ease of being in company of someone and not feeling awkward at all despite of long silent moments. For example, when I am on the first date with someone, finding out that it's comfortable to be with that woman without either one saying a word for long time, like say 15 minutes or even more, just to fill the silence, would be more impressive for me than most of the things the woman could possibly say or do on that first day.

    That kind of silence is something that happens quite often with INFx people and I really enjoy it, but I don't have that much experience about extroverts in that sense and that's why I am asking.

    I am INTJ myself, should that matter.
    I don't think they would like it at the beginning of a relationship. More established, they don't mind it and actually welcome it. They like to chill out with you, they don't need to be talking and active all the time.
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  3. #13
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    Not a woman, but yeah, silence is just fine. I do talk a lot, though, lots of brain dumping when I'm trying to figure something out.

    If you're a quiet introvert, the best phrases you could learn to use for serious conversations are, "Let me think about it" and an occasional, "Uh huh." Because, there will be times where you're not listening, or you actually want to ignore me, and I'd like to be able to tell the difference, and I'm sure you'd want me to as well.

  4. #14
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    i don't mind silence...I'm not sure I'd even notice it much unless i picked up that they were feeling awkward or shy then I'd probably just start talking...i mean...when it's comfortable there isn't an issue.
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  5. #15
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    It is comforting, to be able to relax, be yourself, unwind, and know that the silence is comforting and golden.

    The thing is, we just generally require far less of it than introverted people. My boyfriend mentioned to me several times, "you don't HAVE to say anything." .. It isn't like I'm trying constantly to be impressive to him.. my need to fill the silence is through my own need to not have so much of it. I don't like tons of silence. It's unsettling for me. It is amazing and fantastic in select spots--and that's all I require.. or desire really.

    The more the relationship is established, the more comfortable I am with being silent because it becomes a retreat from what I normally have going on in my world.
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  6. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chanaynay View Post
    ^ yeah, this.

    I'm fine with silence with people I'm comfortable with/close to, but on things like first dates I want to actually get to know the person and test our chemistry which involves talking. Actually, I'd expect a solid amount of interaction over the course of almost any date. Going out and not talking to each other just seems like something is wrong imo. If you want as much silence as possible and still have a fulfilling date, I'd say going to see a movie is a good option. In a relationship, an intimate silence is definitely good from time to time.
    Yah, this is how I feel as well and appreciate you taking the time to spell it out as I would suspect a good number of ENFx's will share similar feelings with regards to the early stages of dating.


    Quote Originally Posted by gandalf View Post
    Actually, that is not what I mean. What you describe sounds like some kind of freezing to me, and that's different. I do attend a discussion if I feel there is one, and in that case, I won't let the company wonder if I am going to say something or not. Furthermore, I myself don't like the other one "interrupting" a discussion with silence that way. What I mean is a situation when there is no real discussion going on, for example when something has just been discussed and no other "urgent" thing has come up yet. Or, to put it another way, nothing else has become urgent yet
    If we're still speaking about the first few dates...*I would* fill the spaces that may have transformed into "intimate silences"(?) had you been out with an introvert instead. This is for many reasons including the fact it doesn't take a whole lot of time or effort on my part to imagine another legitimate question I wish to ask or topic of conversation I wish to engage in following the close of the previous discussion. Intimate silence is intimate...and thus reserved for those I'm on an intimate basis with.

    What do you really want to know though? I feel like there's something specific you want to know but perhaps you fear it will be insulting or taken poorly.

    I'm curious about the use of the word "urgent." I acknowledge it's in scare quotes but there's something there. Intimate silences...eventually. Speaking only when it's "urgent"... you need to know now that that's never going to happen.

  7. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by Starry View Post
    If I was on a first date with someone...and we had periods of silence that lasted 15 minutes or more...most likely there wouldnt be a second date.
    There are not going to be periods of silence that long in any conversation you have on a date. I would like to know how you would react to a guy who was obviously shy and nervous though; as they won't volunteer much. If you are dating an INTJ, at least an inexperienced one, you will have to carry the majority of the conversation. Are you prepared to do that?

  8. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kullervo View Post
    There are not going to be periods of silence that long in any conversation you have on a date.
    ^The OP indicated otherwise which is what I was responding to.

    I would like to know how you would react to a guy who was obviously shy and nervous though; as they won't volunteer much. If you are dating an INTJ, at least an inexperienced one, you will have to carry the majority of the conversation. Are you prepared to do that?
    Well, seeing as I've dated two INTJs and an INFJ in my time...I believe I've proven I'm prepared to do that.
    Inexperience doesn't bother me. Awkwardness doesn't either. Arrogance, however, does...and for one of the INTJs and the INFJ that was my greatest challenge.

  9. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by Starry View Post
    What do you really want to know though? I feel like there's something specific you want to know but perhaps you fear it will be insulting or taken poorly.
    I don't think I have any "hidden agendas" with this question.

    I have mostly been dating introverted women. That's been partly due to doubts that the communication needs of an extrovert would be too much for me - that they just couldn't value silence enough for me to be happy. That has affected the way I have seen extroverts when it comes to looking for potential dates. Lately, though, I have started questioning that thought, thinking that there might be certain things after all that are more natural and common for extroverts than introverts and that may actually be equally important with the ability to enjoy silence. I have started seeing extroverted women in a way that is new for me, but I can't help wondering how big an issue this thing about silence would be.

    For the record, I have dated an INFJ I know was equally impressed by the amount of unawkward silence during our first date. Then again, I once had a date with an ENFJ that really drained me, even though I really liked the company. We had too much time to spend together, and silence that could have made it easier just didn't feel good with her, at least not at that time.

    Quote Originally Posted by Starry View Post
    I'm curious about the use of the word "urgent." I acknowledge it's in scare quotes but there's something there. Intimate silences...eventually. Speaking only when it's "urgent"... you need to know now that that's never going to happen.
    I can see you misinterpreted my use of that word. My fault, perhaps. I wonder if this has something to do with that fact that I am an HSP as one of the HSP characteristics is that they are more aware of their thoughts than people in average. And yes, I acknowledge that those things that are not yet "urgent" may never actually happen.
    INTJ, HSP, 1w9 or tritype 154, sx/sp

  10. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by gandalf View Post
    I don't think I have any "hidden agendas" with this question.

    I have mostly been dating introverted women. That's been partly due to doubts that the communication needs of an extrovert would be too much for me - that they just couldn't value silence enough for me to be happy. That has affected the way I have seen extroverts when it comes to looking for potential dates. Lately, though, I have started questioning that thought, thinking that there might be certain things after all that are more natural and common for extroverts than introverts and that may actually be equally important with the ability to enjoy silence. I have started seeing extroverted women in a way that is new for me, but I can't help wondering how big an issue this thing about silence would be.

    For the record, I have dated an INFJ I know was equally impressed by the amount of unawkward silence during our first date. Then again, I once had a date with an ENFJ that really drained me, even though I really liked the company. We had too much time to spend together, and silence that could have made it easier just didn't feel good with her, at least not at that time.
    I didn't get the sense you had a hidden agenda... There have been times in my life when I've wanted to ask something...felt there existed a 'higher than average' chance that my question would be negatively received/misinterpreted and so I modified my inquiry (unknowingly, unintentionally) to the point of being too vague or removed from its original form to be answered properly. I wondered if this same thing was happening to you here.

    I guess it was the emphasis on the 'first date' that generated my concern in this regard. <-In my mind it would be similar to desiring/expecting 'intimate silence' during a job interview...but perhaps this is merely my ignorance. All and all...I wouldn't judge an extrovert's need for silence, quiet, aloneness, etc. on the first few dates with them. But if you're literally only interested in the first date...I would stick to the 'introverted dating pool.'



    I can see you misinterpreted my use of that word. My fault, perhaps. I wonder if this has something to do with that fact that I am an HSP as one of the HSP characteristics is that they are more aware of their thoughts than people in average. And yes, I acknowledge that those things that are not yet "urgent" may never actually happen.

    I'm a HSP as well...but I don't quite understand what you're saying here. I'm ok with that though.

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