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  1. #1

    Default grieving for the infj

    I have an infj friend who lost a friend. Just curious how I could tell her I'm there if she needs me. Of course grieving is dependent on the person and type of friendship. But would there be any patterns to how infjs grieve?

    Not sure this would change how I try to care for her, but just curious.

  2. #2
    You have a choice! 21%'s Avatar
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    Just tell her directly that you're there if she needs you. She might want to be left alone -- for a long time, so don't press for contact. Occasionally checking in is appreciated. It depends on how close you are, actually.
    4w5 sp/sx EII

  3. #3
    this is my winter song EJCC's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 21% View Post
    Just tell her directly that you're there if she needs you. She might want to be left alone -- for a long time, so don't press for contact. Occasionally checking in is appreciated. It depends on how close you are, actually.
    ^ This has been my experience with INFJs -- primarily with my INFJ mother but also with INFJ friends.

    Two things that may or may not help:

    1) From my experience, INFJs compartmentalize particular people for particular sorts of conversation. Everyone does this to an extent, but when INFJs need someone to talk to, they aren't going to do what an inferior Fi user like me is going to do, which is to almost exclusively go by vibe/gut feeling, re: how safe and trustworthy a person is. They're going to think, which friends will be able to cope with this? Who will be able to listen when I need them to, without being insensitive or trying to go into problem-solving mode? When you have an INFJ friend, they may choose you or they may not, but in the end that's their decision based on how they evaluate your strengths and weaknesses. With INFJ relatives, they may include you even if you aren't going to deal with it the way they want -- but they'll train you to react the right way, because you're family and it's your job to be there for your family. That's what happened with my mom, my dad, and me. (Both me and my dad are problem-solvers, so my mom outright told us what she wants from us in particular situations. It's mostly worked. )

    2) INFJs -- and correct me if I'm wrong, since this is a recent thing I've noticed that may not be 100% accurate -- make all decisions, realizations, and internal changes on their own. There's almost never a moment when someone tells them something and it changes their mind. The way they process, is to take in all input, as well as their own internal musings, and then make their decisions/changes based on that collection of trends/data/impressions. So if you're trying to convince an INFJ to do something, or change their mind, the best you can do is throw your best argument into the well and wait for them to make their own decision. Kind of like buying a lottery ticket and then waiting to see if you won.

    My point, with the above, is that there isn't much you can do besides what 21% suggested: telling them outright that you're there for them if they need you, and checking in once and a while. It's completely their decision, besides that, and there's no real shortcut.
    ~ g e t f e s t i v e ! ~


    EJCC: "The Big Questions in my life right now: 1) What am I willing to live with? 2) What do I have to live with? 3) What can I change for the better?"
    Coriolis: "Is that the ESTJ Serenity Prayer?"



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  4. #4

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    Quote Originally Posted by 21% View Post
    Just tell her directly that you're there if she needs you. She might want to be left alone -- for a long time, so don't press for contact. Occasionally checking in is appreciated. It depends on how close you are, actually.
    Thank you for your reply. My friend really just "informed" me that her friend had died. I think she probably wasn't searching for comfort. But I could tell he mattered to her and it had been quite an event for her. I think probably I should not bring it up again, beyond the correspondence we had so far. Just check on her like you said, but not necessarily bring it up.

  5. #5

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    Quote Originally Posted by EJCC View Post
    They're going to think, which friends will be able to cope with this? Who will be able to listen when I need them to, without being insensitive or trying to go into problem-solving mode?
    How true. This has been my experience as well.

  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by EJCC View Post
    2) INFJs -- and correct me if I'm wrong, since this is a recent thing I've noticed that may not be 100% accurate -- make all decisions, realizations, and internal changes on their own. There's almost never a moment when someone tells them something and it changes their mind.
    What is it like when it is not like this. Don't people always change their minds on their own? Do you mean kind of that the infjs have to go somewhere and think about it to change their mind? So it's a slower kind of thinking? I actually think I have experienced this with an infj, but I always thought it was just something unique to our dynamic and hadn't thought of it as an infj thing. Maybe it was. Guess what you are describing is a very independent mindset.

  7. #7
    this is my winter song EJCC's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by felicity View Post
    What is it like when it is not like this. Don't people always change their minds on their own? Do you mean kind of that the infjs have to go somewhere and think about it to change their mind? So it's a slower kind of thinking? I actually think I have experienced this with an infj, but I always thought it was just something unique to our dynamic and hadn't thought of it as an infj thing. Maybe it was. Guess what you are describing is a very independent mindset.
    I'm not sure how to describe it except as it contrasts with my own modus operandi. I see my brain as being like a puzzle with interchangeable pieces, or -- more stereotypically -- a filing cabinet. When someone presents me with new data that is clearly factually accurate, all I have to do is take their data and switch it out with the data I previously had in that place, now rendered useless. The puzzle/filing cabinet metaphor doesn't work with INFJs because they seem to have a need to overhaul and reformulate ALL data when presented with something new. Weighing it against what they have, and molding their worldview into a totally different shape. Which sounds extreme to someone like me, but Ni apparently makes for an ever-changing and nebulous internal structure.
    ~ g e t f e s t i v e ! ~


    EJCC: "The Big Questions in my life right now: 1) What am I willing to live with? 2) What do I have to live with? 3) What can I change for the better?"
    Coriolis: "Is that the ESTJ Serenity Prayer?"



    ESTJ - LSE - ESTj (mbti/socionics)
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    want to ask me something? go for it!

  8. #8

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    Quote Originally Posted by EJCC View Post
    The puzzle/filing cabinet metaphor doesn't work with INFJs because they seem to have a need to overhaul and reformulate ALL data when presented with something new. Weighing it against what they have, and molding their worldview into a totally different shape. Which sounds extreme to someone like me, but Ni apparently makes for an ever-changing and nebulous internal structure.
    How interesting. I have to say the Ni is a bit of a mystery to me at times as it seems to be to you too. I think in part because Ni users speak so much in metaphor. Most descriptions of Ni are by metaphor.

  9. #9
    can't handcuff the wind Z Buck McFate's Avatar
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    I'll agree with what both EJCC and 21% have said. For all the individuals I know, I've instinctively picked up on where our judgments jive and where they don't- and if I don't think someone can help me with a personal problem, it is in no way because I think ill of their character, it's just because experience of them tells me they wouldn't understand and it wouldn't be helpful for me to turn to them for feedback or support. The most helpful thing to do is tell them you're there if they need you.

    Though I'll add that it might also be a good idea to say it more than once, because- at least, for me- I can sometimes think someone is only saying it out of obligation/to be nice without especially meaning it.
    Reality is a collective hunch. -Lily Tomlin

    5w4 sx/sp Johari / Nohari

  10. #10
    You have a choice! 21%'s Avatar
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    @EJCC You are very perceptive! That was spot-on!
    4w5 sp/sx EII

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