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  1. #1
    Senior Member chris1207's Avatar
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    Default Anyone here the lone NF in their family?

    I just found out that I am! My dad's an ISTJ, mom's an ESFJ, and my sister's an ESTJ. I can't say that I've ever really gotten along with them.

    They all seem to believe that authority and deferring to it is some rationale. It's kind of stupid when all of your arguments end with, "I own this house and if you don't like it you can move out!" The more you reason the louder they yell that same line. It's like talking to a wall.

    I used to get really upset over this but now I just shut up and don't give a crap. The fact that they're SJ's just helps me to not give a crap even more. If they don't get me now they never will.

    Other stuff that annoys me is my moms ability to come up with a seamingly endless number of things that have to be done and when we haven't done all of them or haven't done them in just the right way she expects us to, she turns the biggest whiner. Grow a backbone woman!

    I could go on and on about the various ways that we're different but I won't. Needless to say, it's tough. As an NF I really need someone who will believe in me and stand by me as I venture into adulthood and find a career for myself and my family's been more of a hindrance than a help. They just don't get that I'm never going to come around to value the sames things as them and that by telling me my values are stupid they're just delaying my departure.

    Ughh... combine that with my addiction to MBTI and MP3 player forums and at the end of the day I can't help to feel as though each day has been any different from the last. Any NF's here have any killer careers that they really enjoy?
    "... you think deeply about stuff [that] nobody cares about and hardly anybody can understand you." ~ Peguy talking about Ni users. So true.

  2. #2
    Senior Member Leysing's Avatar
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    I live with three SJs, too. *sigh* It's awful. I can relate very much to your story.

    My SJs have learned that they aren't able to change me, and kudos for them because of that. They, however, have these annoying SJ beliefs like "You should always keep your surroundings neat and tidy" and "You should carry your dishes immediately to the dishwasher" and "You should not wear flower design clothes in the winter".

    About the future career... My ISTJ father cares about nothing else than money and status. When I declared that I wasn't going to enroll at university anymore and would study to work with horses (a very laughed-at career with a low income), he almost had a heart attack. He has been trying to press me into university to study linguistics. (Fortunately my ESFJ mother is supportive and delighted (!?!) because I have a goal and a dream. Extra kudos for her.)

    The same ESFJ mother, though, has major problems with logical behavior. She has a fiery temperament, and she can blow up very unexpectedly. She never thinks about what will result from her actions. She is quite shallow, too. She tries hard to think deeply, and I appreciate that very much, but it just doesn't... work. She can't see the relationships between reasons and consequences and she draws weird conclusions. She is also mildly paranoid and is always guessing what someone meant by saying "hello" a certain way. She is a hardcore martyr, too, and an expert in using guilt manipulation.

    I'm always accused of being stubborn, lazy and negligent. If I present a new idea, it's immediately crushed and called ridiculous, because it's threatening their system of values they have been fostering since their childhood.

    The best thing is that my mother expects me to dress "like a woman should", which means colorful clothes, lace, pearls, silk, flowers, pink and purple and everything shiny and glittering... I beg for mercy.

    EDIT//The third SJ is my ISFJ sister, the only one I get well along with. I suppose that is because I'm the Big Sister, so she has no annoying SJ authority on me
    Last edited by Leysing; 07-31-2008 at 02:29 PM.

  3. #3
    Senior Member MrRandom's Avatar
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    Wow. I can relate to both of you very strongly.

    ISTJ father, ESFJ mother, ESFJ sister. And then there is me, the INFJ son. Trust me, it hasn't been very easy. I moved out to live on my own as soon as it was reasonably possible. Life has been easier since.

    While I was still living at my parents, I had weekly fights and arguments with my mother. We were the strongest personalities in the house and we constantly clashed. She's such a martyr that it almost makes me puke! Also, I kind of was my parents' "favorite", so it made our relationship even more difficult... They really liked me, but at the same time made my life miserable. They are absolutely and amazingly good parents, but this is a matter of clashing personalities. It's just wasn't going to work. Ever. Now that I live on my own, I only deal with them occasionally, and it has really improved our relationship.

    Needless to say, I was the (likable) weirdo of the family. I've always walked a path of my own, and I've had clear goals in life. I didn't ever even consider following my father's footsteps (money business). I wanted to become an artist. My parents had surprisingly little trouble with that, they supported me well. That is because I worked hard towards it, so they understood it's not just hopeless dreaming. My advice: excel at what you do, and others will see it your way.

    I could go on and on and on, but I'm gonna keep this short for now. I have mostly gotten over this... I still sometimes wish I could have more warm relationships with my family, but it's next to impossible. It's so shallow. We just don't understand each other.

  4. #4
    にゃん runvardh's Avatar
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    I feel bad for you, I at least have my father and my great aunt, though I seem to be the only healthy and sane one...
    Dreams are best served manifest and tangible.

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  5. #5
    Senor Membrane
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    I relate, though I do have INFJ-mom, so it was not so simple "kid vs family" situation when I was growing up. It was actually really good living with them before they got divorced. After that things got real messy and I ended up living with my dad (ISTJ) and brothers (ISFJ & ESFP) and well, it was not exactly nice, dad was always going on how mom is such a bad person, but it wasn't the worst. After some time dad got us a step-mom, who happens to be ESFJ and she had kids too (ISTP & ISTJ)

    The thing with the SJ-dominated family was that they mostly care about appearances. If I have wrong kind of clothes or hair or anything, it means that I spoil their facade. Also you need to work hard and not allow any pleasures to yourself. I was thinking about colleges and such and discussed with dad and he supported only the type of schools that would get me a well paid job. It was very hard living with them.

    I remember one day especially well, and I think this defines my relationship with my step-mom. She was going to work early in the morning and she opened the fridge and saw that there was no milk. She remembered me drinking the milk last night, so she comes to wake me up and shouts for five minutes about her not getting milk for her coffee. I wasn't sure I'm hearing right, it was surreal.

    It has been so many years since this that I can see clearly how my mother, while not being actually there, has saved me and my ESFP-brother from being totally lost at the time. I don't see how I could have managed without her. My father provided the basic needs, that is food and clothes and so on, but my mother provided the rest. She was the one who was actually interested in what I was doing or how I see the world and she never was trying to force me into the "normal" person that I didn't want to be. And I could argue with her without the feeling that she will get rid of me.

  6. #6
    Just a statistic rhinosaur's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by chris1207 View Post
    It's kind of stupid when all of your arguments end with, "I own this house and if you don't like it you can move out!"
    Maybe you should move out. I get the impression it would be better for you.

    Quote Originally Posted by chris1207 View Post
    I used to get really upset over this but now I just shut up and don't give a crap. The fact that they're SJ's just helps me to not give a crap even more. If they don't get me now they never will.
    Correction: You Pretend that you don't give a crap. I can't imagine that if it bothered you before, it would suddenly stop bothering you now. If you just keep ignoring it, you're setting yourself up to have some kind of issue (perhaps with authority figures) in the future.

  7. #7
    almost nekkid scantilyclad's Avatar
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    yes, i am the black sheep of the family. but now that i'm older i don't have as much trouble relating to my family. I'm glad my teenage angst is nearly gone.
    INFP 4w5
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  8. #8
    heart on fire
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    No NF in immediate family. Two NT. But I am married to NF now. He was also the only NF in his immediate family.

  9. #9
    Senior Member prplchknz's Avatar
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    my immediate family is Ns I think my mom's an NF and my dad an NT except my brother who is actually in the middle between N and S. My aunt is an ESFJ and I love her, but sometimes she drives me nuts.

    I remember one time I had spent the day all day with people and I was exhausted and needed to be alone. My aunt said I had too much caffiene and I was crashing. I'm like no that's not why cuz I've drank that much in the past and was not this tired. She doesn't seem to grasp the concept of I need time alone, and I can't please everyone 24/7. If I do I'll go insane.

  10. #10
    ♪♫♪♫♪♫ luminous beam's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by scantilyclad View Post
    yes, i am the black sheep of the family. but now that i'm older i don't have as much trouble relating to my family. I'm glad my teenage angst is nearly gone.

    my mom is ExTJ and my sister is ISTJ...it's annoying as fuck, needless to say and i am definitely the black sheep of the family. i've had to use my shadow personality a lot in order to survive the pressures and overly critical mother. if you follow the enneagram i am a 2, but living at home was so stressful that i can act an 8 on command. had to maintain my self intact.


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