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  1. #31
    Artisan Conquerer Halla74's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by chatoyer View Post
    This is a real source of conflict for me. And I don't mean with extreme or abusive situations, but just with everyday irritations, I pride myself on letting them go, & trying to give other people the benefit of the doubt when I get slighted. I try to focus on other possibilities why they blew me off, or why they went flaky on me, or if it was a miscommunication or whatever.

    But for some reason, I get really internally angry/disappointed/frustrated when these happen occasionally, it just builds up, I don't know if it's a cumulative effect with one person, or with my variable moods, but I don't know what to do with it, because I don't feel it's justified to communicate about it with the person because it's core to my identity to be laid-back & easy to be around. Sometimes I don't know when I'm justified to be angry.

    Can anyone relate?
    All I can say after being married to an INFJ for 15 years is: SLOW DOWN. Don't read too deeply into simple events. Allow the here and now to be the simple passing of time, and re-assess periodically. Life will make more sense, I swear!


  2. #32
    cast shadows metaphours's Avatar
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    I find that my willingness to forgive easily is a flaw that makes me more vulnerable and a gift all at the same time.

  3. #33
    Artisan Conquerer Halla74's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by metaphours View Post
    I find that my willingness to forgive easily is a flaw that makes me more vulnerable and a gift all at the same time.
    Very nicely said! +1!

  4. #34
    cast shadows metaphours's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Halla74 View Post
    Very nicely said! +1!
    lawl, virtua-bonez

  5. #35
    Senior Member seeker22's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by chatoyer View Post
    This is a real source of conflict for me. And I don't mean with extreme or abusive situations, but just with everyday irritations, I pride myself on letting them go, & trying to give other people the benefit of the doubt when I get slighted. I try to focus on other possibilities why they blew me off, or why they went flaky on me, or if it was a miscommunication or whatever.

    But for some reason, I get really internally angry/disappointed/frustrated when these happen occasionally, it just builds up, I don't know if it's a cumulative effect with one person, or with my variable moods, but I don't know what to do with it, because I don't feel it's justified to communicate about it with the person because it's core to my identity to be laid-back & easy to be around. Sometimes I don't know when I'm justified to be angry.

    Can anyone relate?
    I can relate in a major way!

    In fact, I am working on this in my own life right now - healthy boundaries.

    Often times I notice that being good natured and willing to seek out the best in others can, ultimately at some point, comes at a cost TO OURSELVES - especially if the person in question demonstrates a PATTERN of ill behavior. Then you get stuck in the "they hurt you/you forgive them/they hurt you/you forgive them" spin cycle.

    I notice that my friends rely on me as the "peacemaker" and "soother of ruffled feathers"... because I can be diplomatic, easy going, understanding, and validating of another's perspective. A uniter, not a divider. I will always give the person the benefit of the doubt.

    I am very good with OTHER people's feelings and bringing them into harmony. However, I often times stuff my OWN feelings just to keep the peace.

    My THOUGHTS I will share and be assertive. "Why did you lie to me?" (seeking to intellectualize the subject and hence emotionally distance from it to protect own feelings)

    My FEELINGS (Fi) I will stuff. "You lied to me and I FELT hurt and betrayed." (gasp! I could never say that out loud!)

    When my therapist finally said one day... why didn't you say something about how you FELT? (as opposed to what I THOUGHT) My reply was "I didn't want to make a big deal out of nothing."

    *silence* in the room as I heard what I had said.

    Basically I had just stated an unrealized hidden personal belief - in so many words, that my own feelings meant nothing, and were not of value. Yikes!

    My therapist said I am *allowed* to have my feelings, and that they are valid and OF VALUE.

    I had not been VALUING my OWN FEELINGS - only the feelings of everyone else. This inevitably causes RESENTMENT at some point. So, I am learning to say to myself, "my feelings are just as valid as anyone else's." Or even better, "My feelings are valid." Period. Even if what I feel might rock the boat.

  6. #36
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Coeur View Post
    This is how it usually goes for me:
    Something does something that irritates me. I downplay it to myself, say it wasn't a big deal, and shove it down until I forget about it. Then, every time they do something, I fume about both that issue and the previous irritation. This continues until I have a huge pile and I snap at the person out of nowhere.

    This occurs for several reasons:
    1. I don't think I have the "right" to be angry at something super small. I don't want to confront someone about something that is an irrelevant one time thing. I fear that if I bring something up, I'll cause an unneccessary argument.
    2. I don't want to be seen as 'controlling.' I don't want to put an end to every behavior that rubs me the wrong way. I want people to be themselves around me.

    I see that there's little logic in this, but I still struggle with it.
    Yup...I relate to this...fuming, bottling it up, and then one day going bang. Hasn't happened many times in my life, but it can be rather dramatic when it does. It's sort of a relieving the pressure thing, when it would have been better to let a little of it out to the person earlier - much healthier and more pleasant for both of us. But see above - I keep thinking "it's not a big deal, just overlook it" until it does become a big deal.

    I can go right from giving someone the benefit of the doubt all the time - too much - to concluding that they're completely horrible, thoughtless, selfish, etc - the other extreme. Again, it hasn't happened many times but it has happened.

    Of course, once I have had a blowup like this, it does relieve the pressure for a bit and then I feel more horrible as I realise that I have made everyone feel worse, including myself. Last time this happened, a bit over a year ago, the person reacted unpleasantly but I now realise they would have had to be a saint not to. They’re an ESxP so I think it was water off a duck’s back after that – although I apologised for my overreaction, I then stepped back and concluded the friendship was over due to the situation and the hurt I’d experienced. Somewhat to my surprise, the other person ended up making more of the overtures to re-establish the friendship. Sometimes people do surprise me.

  7. #37
    Senior Member Wild horses's Avatar
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    I do kinda know what you mean because as much as I can tolerate anger in others I find it inexcusable in myself! However, I am usually fine giving people the benefit of the doubt and the moment I am unable to I try and cut them out (But this has only really happened on very few extreme occasions) because I hate holding something against someone and keeping it to myself, to me I verge on the passive aggressive if you know what I mean and I don't think it's fair on the other person because they can never put it right if you don't give them the chance to confront what they have done... But yea I don't know this seems to be a phenomenon; lots of ENFPs I talk to do not tolerate negative emotions within themselves. They seem to think that they have a responsibility to make others happy and so any negativity from anger to sadness and grief is just not allowed. Don't really know how to get over such a problem!
    ... couldn't drag me away

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  8. #38
    12 and a half weeks BerberElla's Avatar
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    I've tried fighting against my natural tendency to give people the benefit of the doubt, not once, not twice, not ten times, many more lol but it's a futile battle.

    I am sick and tired of being this open to giving people chances, especially when it all leads to what I knew already, that this person was going to let me down, but I wouldn't be me if I didn't.

    People don't want you to stick them in a box, or judge them on a past mistake, yet even when I offer them that benefit of the doubt, there is a tiny part of me that is merely giving them the rope they will use to hang themselves later on, and they always do in the end.

    Very few people have ever managed to be worth that benefit of the doubt.
    Echo - "So are you trying to say she is Evil"

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  9. #39
    Free-Rangin' Librarian Jae Rae's Avatar
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    Many of us are raised to value other people's feelings above our own. We have to unlearn that, set healthy boundaries and not be so damn NICE and understanding all the time.

    I agree with BerberElla - giving others another chance often just leads to being taken advantage of yet again. But start acting differently and others will start treating you differently.

    I had a realization with a friend over the weekend - she gave a toga party, but when I showed up, I was the only one in a toga! I was mad and let her know it. But the biggest part was that I knew she would continue to let me down in various ways as long as I let her. There's no way I'd ever go to a party of hers in a costume again because I see she can't be trusted.

    Somehow being embarrassed at her party brought this home better than years of waiting 45 minutes for her to show up and other acts of thoughtlessness. I already make very cautious plans with her and it's going to be a long time before I feel up to it again.
    Proud Female Rider in Maverick's Bike Club.

  10. #40
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    Cool

    My eyes lit up when I read the title of this. This is something I've felt for the longest time.

    I get that I'm just a naturally forgiving person, because y'know, people are human and all that, so of course no one's gonna get everything right. But of course along with that comes the being too trusting and naivete at times, and not speaking up until it's almost/is too late...I'm getting better at it, but only being 16, it's still really difficult. :/

    Could I perhaps have some advice on how to move past this psychological stint?

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