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  1. #21
    almost half a doctor phoenix13's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by chatoyer View Post
    This is a real source of conflict for me. And I don't mean with extreme or abusive situations, but just with everyday irritations, I pride myself on letting them go, & trying to give other people the benefit of the doubt when I get slighted. I try to focus on other possibilities why they blew me off, or why they went flaky on me, or if it was a miscommunication or whatever.

    But for some reason, I get really internally angry/disappointed/frustrated when these happen occasionally, it just builds up, I don't know if it's a cumulative effect with one person, or with my variable moods, but I don't know what to do with it, because I don't feel it's justified to communicate about it with the person because it's core to my identity to be laid-back & easy to be around. Sometimes I don't know when I'm justified to be angry.

    Can anyone relate?

    Absolutely. Maybe you already do this, but when you're pissed, take a day to figure out why. Somewhere in that time, ask someone you trust whether or not they think you're over-reacting (use those words... otherwise, they'll just say what they think you want to hear). Just knowing that I have that tendency, along with a guilty virdict from a buddy helps tremendously to diffuse whatever anger I'm feeling.

    Now, if you are justified (or if you don't buy your friend's reasoning), it's essential to your mental health to confront the offender. The most effective way to do this is to be vulnerable. You're probably pissed because you're hurt or you feel used or blah blah blah. Say that (and not "I 'aint no K-mart, so quit asking me for paperclips, bitch!"). Worst case scenario: you feel embarassed for making a big deal out of it. Not a tragedy, but you could always come back and say: "I was sensitive because my grandma just broke her hip," or "...multiple hemorrhoids." They'll understand.

    Hopefully you found something useful in that ramble-fest. Keep being laid-back and awesome. That way, if you do loose your cool, you'll be forgiven.

  2. #22
    Free-Rangin' Librarian Jae Rae's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by heart View Post
    Yeah, this is what I was trying to say. You gotta give people the chance to change and reform, they don't always realize they are stepping on your toes. It is part of true empathy and caring for others to give people the truth but in a way that does not automatically assume they had negative intentions.
    A couple of months ago I came home to find my neighbor's niece parked in my driveway. She saw me and immediately jumped into her car and drove off.

    A week later the friend of a different neighbor parked her car in front of my driveway to drop something off and left the motor running; we had a little staredown after which she moved her car down the street.

    I typed up a little message asking the neighbors to tell their friends, relatives, visitors and workmen not to park in our driveway and slipped it in the mailboxes of the two in question.

    Today we woke up to the sound of a large cement truck parked in front of our driveway and house. My husband went out and talked to the driver who said it would take about 20 minutes to unload. After 1/2 hour he went out again to ask when the guy would be leaving; he said as soon as he got his check. He drove off soon after that, and the neighbor came over with an inexpensive bottle of wine, apologizing for blocking our driveway.

    I felt the neighbor should have come over first to ask if his workman could park in front of our driveway instead of letting the workman "negotiate" with us. My husband feels no harm was done, but I think this guy is inconsiderate at worst, casual at best, who does what he wants and lets the chips fall where they may. What if we'd been out when the cement guy arrived? He only asked our permission when we confronted him.

    What's the deal with people like this?
    Proud Female Rider in Maverick's Bike Club.

  3. #23
    Senior Member Cality's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by chatoyer View Post
    This is a real source of conflict for me. And I don't mean with extreme or abusive situations, but just with everyday irritations, I pride myself on letting them go, & trying to give other people the benefit of the doubt when I get slighted. I try to focus on other possibilities why they blew me off, or why they went flaky on me, or if it was a miscommunication or whatever.

    But for some reason, I get really internally angry/disappointed/frustrated when these happen occasionally, it just builds up, I don't know if it's a cumulative effect with one person, or with my variable moods, but I don't know what to do with it, because I don't feel it's justified to communicate about it with the person because it's core to my identity to be laid-back & easy to be around. Sometimes I don't know when I'm justified to be angry.

    Can anyone relate?
    I am tired of being the nice girl and that my patients take advantage of this and be less repectful at times (cancelling appointments in the very last minute for example). I am tired of being always empathetic to my patients. I tend to be more and more "T" in that respect and admire my ENTP co-worker : I hear them, i help them, i dod whatever what I can but i also more quickly forget it after works. Also I tedn to be more and more straigthforward. I make them pay immediatly any first appointment instead of saying : "OOOO you forgot the life's card (french social security card) and the note of your doc? OK bring it next time" Just because I tend to rely more and more on my intuition to feel who I can trust or not.

    Not sure my post helps... Just wanted to share though...

  4. #24
    almost half a doctor phoenix13's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cality View Post
    I am tired of being the nice girl and that my patients take advantage of this and be less repectful at times (cancelling appointments in the very last minute for example). I am tired of being always empathetic to my patients. I tend to be more and more "T" in that respect and admire my ENTP co-worker : I hear them, i help them, i dod whatever what I can but i also more quickly forget it after works. Also I tedn to be more and more straigthforward. I make them pay immediatly any first appointment instead of saying : "OOOO you forgot the life's card (french social security card) and the note of your doc? OK bring it next time" Just because I tend to rely more and more on my intuition to feel who I can trust or not.

    Not sure my post helps... Just wanted to share though...
    ENFP DOCTOR!!!!! WOOOOOT!!!


    ...oh yeah, and tell your patients to shove off, or give 'em a kick square in the bootay. It's the hippocratic way.

  5. #25
    Senior Member Cality's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by phoenix13 View Post
    ENFP DOCTOR!!!!! WOOOOOT!!!


    ...oh yeah, and tell your patients to shove off, or give 'em a kick square in the bootay. It's the hippocratic way.
    Not doc... Just speech path and future neuropsychologist (i work on it)

  6. #26
    Junior Member Mermaid's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by toonia View Post
    Giving people the "benefit of the doubt" tends to be the more efficient approach. When you jump to a negative conclusion, it typically inspires a negative response which can spiral into antagonism. Who has the energy to fight all the time? Attempting to make accurate assumptions that err on the side of being a little generously positive can at times disarm the other person resulting in them being put at ease. It can also be a peaceful habit to just overlook negative nonsense that has no bearing on life except where we allow it to be an annoyance. A "benefit of the doubt" world is the easier one to live in.
    Beautifully said.

  7. #27
    Senior Member Rachelinpa's Avatar
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    Yes. I can relate. I find beauty in second chances and believing in the best of others. Unfortunately, this usually means taking the weaker end of the deal. I've concluded that my extension of grace cannot be contingent upon the reaction or response of the other person. If it something I choose to do, then it is on me and I cannot resent them if they take it for granted. Like CaptainChick, I too "hate feeling resentful."

    I usually do not hesitate sharing my irritations with another person (as they come up) because I tend to be open and do not want to damage any future communication. If I do not address it and let it fester (love that word), then it escalates, and yes, I get angry. I don't feel it is justified because I did not give the other person an opportunity to respond and because of my avoidance of conflict, I am the one who suffers.

    That said, I think it is mostly about being true to yourself and setting good boundaries. Knowing when it is appropriate to share and knowing when it is really actually not a big deal and you need to rise above their human flaws and detach.

  8. #28
    Nickle Iron Silicone Charmed Justice's Avatar
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    Sometimes I get tired of giving the benefit of the doubt, but I realize that it is in my nature to do so, and I've accepted it. I rarely expect anything in return when I've done something for someone, save continued respect. So long as I get that, I'm ok with inequality in relationships.

  9. #29
    Senior Member Coeur's Avatar
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    This is how it usually goes for me:
    Something does something that irritates me. I downplay it to myself, say it wasn't a big deal, and shove it down until I forget about it. Then, every time they do something, I fume about both that issue and the previous irritation. This continues until I have a huge pile and I snap at the person out of nowhere.

    This occurs for several reasons:
    1. I don't think I have the "right" to be angry at something super small. I don't want to confront someone about something that is an irrelevant one time thing. I fear that if I bring something up, I'll cause an unneccessary argument.
    2. I don't want to be seen as 'controlling.' I don't want to put an end to every behavior that rubs me the wrong way. I want people to be themselves around me.

    I see that there's little logic in this, but I still struggle with it.

  10. #30
    "Everything in its place" fill's Avatar
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    I really don't give people the benefit of the doubt. I'll search all possibilities, no matter how negative they are, which tends to be good and bad. But I do have an unlimited patience; I would say it's limited, but I've found otherwise as there are very few people I've simply stopped talking to because of wrong they've done to me.
    "Poor bastard. Wait 'till he sees the bats. "
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