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  1. #11
    heart on fire
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    I don't attack or lash out at them but rather speak out quite clearly saying something like, "hey, that kinda was weird", or "hey, that kinda hurt", or, "hey, why did you do that" or "hey, hold on, what's going on here, I'm confused".
    Yeah, this is what I was trying to say. You gotta give people the chance to change and reform, they don't always realize they are stepping on your toes. It is part of true empathy and caring for others to give people the truth but in a way that does not automatically assume they had negative intentions.

  2. #12
    Guerilla Urbanist Brendan's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by chatoyer View Post
    Can anyone relate?
    Yes. Then I find out that I really was just psyching myself out, and that there was no ill-will. Then I just feel frustrated for having felt frustrated.
    There is no such thing as separation from God.

  3. #13
    `~~Philosoflying~~` SillySapienne's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by heart View Post
    I try to listen to my Te and to not let people go too far and to also be honest with them when they are pushing too far. People aren't mind readers and some people are clueless about boundaries and limits, so people deserve a chance to know they are crossing the line. I try to work hard on not reaction with oversensitivity when people do these things and not to take it as personally as I have in the past. People are people and it often isn't really about me, it is about their own issues. I have distanced myself from many in-laws in the past eight years because they won't listen and they continued to step on my boundaries and push the limits.
    Wonderful post!!!

    I hadn't even read it or any of the others when I initially contributed my thoughts.

    But yeah, most people's assholery, insensitivity, carelessness, or rudeness can be attributed to *their* personal issues.

    We often do ourselves a disservice when we take mild offenses too personally.

    When you talk it out with someone, a resolution or understanding will often be made/met.
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    'Cause you can't handle me...

    "A lie is a lie even if everyone believes it. The truth is the truth even if nobody believes it." - David Stevens

    "That that is, is. That that is not, is not. Is that it? It is."

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  4. #14
    homo-loving sonovagun anii's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by chatoyer View Post
    NFs, do you get tired of giving people "the benefit of the doubt"?
    Only if it's abused.
    There's reason to be afraid, and reason to open your heart. ~ Seal

    Refreshment for your ears: www.kexp.org

  5. #15
    heart on fire
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    Quote Originally Posted by CaptainChick View Post
    Wonderful post!!!

    I hadn't even read it or any of the others when I initially contributed my thoughts.

    But yeah, most people's assholery, insensitivity, carelessness, or rudeness can be attributed to *their* personal issues.

    We often do ourselves a disservice when we take mild offenses too personally.

    When you talk it out with someone, a resolution or understanding will often be made/met.
    Of course if someone appears to be highly violatile or deeply disturbed, I will try to avoid them. I have a really short tolerance for people who just want to vent/rage on others and go off nuts over nothing. I grew up with that kind of abuse and I won't tolerate it in my adult life any more than I absolutely have to.

  6. #16
    Senior Member chatoyer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by toonia View Post
    Giving people the "benefit of the doubt" tends to be the more efficient approach. When you jump to a negative conclusion, it typically inspires a negative response which can spiral into antagonism. Who has the energy to fight all the time? Attempting to make accurate assumptions that err on the side of being a little generously positive can at times disarm the other person resulting in them being put at ease. It can also be a peaceful habit to just overlook negative nonsense that has no bearing on life except where we allow it to be an annoyance. A "benefit of the doubt" world is the easier one to live in.
    Completely agree. I do think about that a lot, that my reaction will affect how the other person interacts with me, & I apply the golden rule, in which I want people to forgive me my shortcomings & not read into my motives any evil or selfish intent.

    However, I really feel like I have trouble judging situations when I'm applying my Ne with these everyday, mundane irritations, I think it's a build-up with a person, like there has been a long-standing pattern of feeling like they continue to slight me in the same way--so it reaches a certain threshold where I'm thinking, "ok, that felt competitive" or "that's the umpteenth time I've gotten blown off with some odd passive-aggressive excuse", something like that. But I feel self-conscious bringing it up, because I don't want to bring up the single incident as that seems really touchy, but I don't want to go into the seminar on the pattern (when that seems to be the issue) because that can seem really heavy & psychoanalytical. And I think I go into psychoanalyzing mode sometimes as a defense mechanism.

    So there it is! Help?!

  7. #17
    Senior Member alcea rosea's Avatar
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    I give everybody a chance and sometimes even more than one chance. But when people treat me badly enough or do something against my strongest beliefs, then I will not let myself be treated badly. After a certain line that they cross, I will get along but I will not nothing extra for those people and I certainly do not trust them anymore. I rather avoid the people that have treated me badly but it's not always possible. When it's not possible to avoid, I become very cold to those people.

  8. #18
    mountain surfing nomadic's Avatar
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    i just start cracking my knuckles if someone pisses me off. (guys)

    especially if they start puffing and huffing too loud... walking around my immediate vicinity like they own the place. LOL!

    but yeah, if a guy is shady to me, i mean basically he is saying "Im not scared of you" to me, so its time to scrap!

    i actually can't remember a girl who isn't a gf pissing me off... lol

    wait one time a female friend of mine kind of got big headed bc she wanted me to beat up some guy who disrespected her. it kind of made me like "wtf is this crap??" but watever i still handled it for her. but since then i was like "stay away" lol

    i think one time when i was drunk, some girl was acting shady to my gf, so i went up to her and i was like "where the fkk is your bf?" like i wanted to kick his arse bc she was pissin me off... lol

  9. #19
    Senior Member 2XtremeENFP's Avatar
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    But I feel self-conscious bringing it up, because I don't want to bring up the single incident as that seems really touchy, but I don't want to go into the seminar on the pattern (when that seems to be the issue) because that can seem really heavy & psychoanalytical.
    That's exactly how I feel. When I try to explain that to other non-NFs they look at me like I'm stupid. I'll have to memorize what you said so I can explain that the next time I'm in a situation like that. Very well said.

    I suppose that I'm "benefit of the doubt"-driven because I just don't want things to be awkward between me and the other person of conflict. Calling someone out on something is scary because they could think so many things behind the given problem situation.

  10. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by chatoyer View Post
    This is a real source of conflict for me. And I don't mean with extreme or abusive situations, but just with everyday irritations, I pride myself on letting them go, & trying to give other people the benefit of the doubt when I get slighted. I try to focus on other possibilities why they blew me off, or why they went flaky on me, or if it was a miscommunication or whatever.

    But for some reason, I get really internally angry/disappointed/frustrated when these happen occasionally, it just builds up, I don't know if it's a cumulative effect with one person, or with my variable moods, but I don't know what to do with it, because I don't feel it's justified to communicate about it with the person because it's core to my identity to be laid-back & easy to be around. Sometimes I don't know when I'm justified to be angry.

    Can anyone relate?
    Aaaah yes.

    Boundaries... At one point can we decide that someone has gone over the line? I relate to proteanmix's post. If some action is done repeatedly, then you really should start asking yourself questions...

    Other than that, I'd like to think that giving people the benefit of the doubt is a very positive and healthy behavior. As implied by toonia, you invite a positive response by being positive yourself. Of course, if all else fails after multiple attemps, then you have to change strategy.

    Quote Originally Posted by heart View Post
    Yeah, this is what I was trying to say. You gotta give people the chance to change and reform, they don't always realize they are stepping on your toes. It is part of true empathy and caring for others to give people the truth but in a way that does not automatically assume they had negative intentions.
    Excellent point

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