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  1. #1
    Senior Member animenagai's Avatar
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    Default Confidence and Guessing What Others Think

    Sooo... I often wonder what people think. As people, we only ever truly experience our own experiences first hand, so it's always been fascinating to me when other people explain thought processes that are completely different. MBTI has obviously fueled this fire, and now I have new tools and reasons to wonder what other people are thinking about. I was completely happy with this habit, until I realised that this could be affecting my confidence. I am a classic overthinker, and a sensitive one at that. There are often times where I'll blow something (or nothing at all) out of proportion, and end up feeling uncomfortable about things I've really just imagined. I also think this holds me back in the dating game. Do I believe that 'nice guys never win'? No, I don't, so I don't think being more thoughtful in this way per se hurts my chances. What I do believe however is that confidence is one of the sexiest things to a woman, and getting worried over what someone else may think can be insecure. The fact that I'm NeFi means that I can never 'just know' what someone is thinking about, like an INFJ for example. I just end up going "hmmmm I wonder what they're thinking" a lot, so I'm not sure if this can become a point of confidence for me.

    So here's my conundrum -- how can I keep playing out hypothetical scenarios involving someone else's psyche while staying and coming off as confident?
    Chimera of Filth

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  2. #2
    ka-POW labyrinth_perhaps's Avatar
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    I wish I knew, this is one of my biggest problems. EX: I'll know when someone is upset at me a lot of times, with out them even telling me. And I'll confront them upon it, and they'll deny it. Then I'll hear from some random person later, that person was upset with me. Sometimes I feel like i'm reading minds, and then I start to feel insane. Because 5/10 times I'm usually right or wrong. I never know. There has been numerous times when my assumptions are wrong about a person. But I notice as i'm getting older, I'm not as foolish as I thought I was.

    My question is: I'm practically pretty young, and i'm just getting in-touch with my intuitive side. I know the difference between intuition and fantasy; but It's sometimes hard to not get lost in the fantasy because of my innocent emotions, and then I really confuse fantasy with intuition, and it's really hard to get back to thinking rationally at that point. So how do I balance out my functions? and keep them align a little bit?

    Wouldnt also using my judging function a little more help? since I perceive and I think I get caught up in my own personal chaos way too often. How do you help bring out your judging function?
    "I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying."
    -Oscar Wilde

  3. #3
    Undisciplined Starry's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by animenagai View Post
    Sooo... I often wonder what people think. As people, we only ever truly experience our own experiences first hand, so it's always been fascinating to me when other people explain thought processes that are completely different. MBTI has obviously fueled this fire, and now I have new tools and reasons to wonder what other people are thinking about. I was completely happy with this habit, until I realised that this could be affecting my confidence. I am a classic overthinker, and a sensitive one at that. There are often times where I'll blow something (or nothing at all) out of proportion, and end up feeling uncomfortable about things I've really just imagined. I also think this holds me back in the dating game. Do I believe that 'nice guys never win'? No, I don't, so I don't think being more thoughtful in this way per se hurts my chances. What I do believe however is that confidence is one of the sexiest things to a woman, and getting worried over what someone else may think can be insecure. The fact that I'm NeFi means that I can never 'just know' what someone is thinking about, like an INFJ for example. I just end up going "hmmmm I wonder what they're thinking" a lot, so I'm not sure if this can become a point of confidence for me.

    So here's my conundrum -- how can I keep playing out hypothetical scenarios involving someone else's psyche while staying and coming off as confident?

    There's a lot of ground covered in this OP...so much that it may call for me to add more later as the thoughts come to me but a couple of things that jump out at me right away...

    Confidence in a man is often experienced by me as a 2 dimensional 'veil' rather than a quality that comes from within and radiates outward. And it's not that I feel confidence is false or always false...to the contrary...most 'confidences' I encounter are very real... but they are earth-bound having been manufactured by the individual...and not earned...not sourced from the beyond like authentic strength and courage.

    Confidence helps you navigate society and social structures (being a sort of structure in and of itself.) Courage is what is needed to navigate Life. Confidence can create an illusion of possessing courage. Courage is sitting naked and fully awake at the center of all your failures and insecurities and pain and sickness and fears...and saying "I still choose to do what is right."

    ^^I make no secret which of these two I find a gazillion times more attractive in a man.


    As an ENFP I do really well in/at the initial stages of a relationship...and really well once the relationship is comfortable and we feel safe and secure with one another. There's a point though...an in between phase in relationships where I don't do well...at all. Once I recognize that *things* are becoming serious...once I start to notice that I'm allowing myself to depend on them...that I'm approaching the Event Horizon (<-this is an analogy coined by Disco Biscuit)...that's when I lose my 'confidence.' That's when I start creating all kinds of weirdo connections to their psyche in my mind. I start letting the bizarre, unreal scenarios play out in my head.

    ^What I do...what has worked for me is being very honest with my partner about this unfortunate part of who I am...and allowing them to help walk me through what without them looks like an insurmountable step. It takes courage for me to do this

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    Quote Originally Posted by animenagai View Post
    So here's my conundrum -- how can I keep playing out hypothetical scenarios involving someone else's psyche while staying and coming off as confident?
    You can't.

    Confidence is being you and not caring if she likes it or not.

    The key is to know that there is someone who will like it even if the particular "she" in question doesn't.

  5. #5
    As Long As It Takes.... Redbone's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Starry View Post
    Courage is sitting naked and fully awake at the center of all your failures and insecurities and pain and sickness and fears...and saying "I still choose to do what is right."
    *sigh*

    As far as the OP goes, I have this problem, too.

  6. #6
    Senior Member animenagai's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Starry View Post
    Confidence in a man is often experienced by me as a 2 dimensional 'veil' rather than a quality that comes from within and radiates outward. And it's not that I feel confidence is false or always false...to the contrary...most 'confidences' I encounter are very real... but they are earth-bound having been manufactured by the individual...and not earned...not sourced from the beyond like authentic strength and courage.

    Confidence helps you navigate society and social structures (being a sort of structure in and of itself.) Courage is what is needed to navigate Life. Confidence can create an illusion of possessing courage. Courage is sitting naked and fully awake at the center of all your failures and insecurities and pain and sickness and fears...and saying "I still choose to do what is right."
    I see what you're saying, and yes, I can say that I have more courage than confidence. Maybe this is just something I have to accept, and the way out of the quagmire without sacrificing who I am.

    Quote Originally Posted by DiscoBiscuit View Post
    You can't.

    Confidence is being you and not caring if she likes it or not.

    The key is to know that there is someone who will like it even if the particular "she" in question doesn't.
    Yes, that's precisely what I mean by 'confidence', but things aren't that simple. At this stage of my life, asking these questions is just part of who I am. Therefore, 'being me' will partially involve asking these questions. I feel like I'm not really being myself if don't do this at all. See this paradox?

    Quote Originally Posted by labyrinth_perhaps View Post

    Wouldnt also using my judging function a little more help? since I perceive and I think I get caught up in my own personal chaos way too often. How do you help bring out your judging function?
    Maybe the key is to use the other judging function more -- Te. I might start asking myself what my reads/intuitions/projections are based on, and asking if they are well-grounded or just wisps of fancy.
    Chimera of Filth

    A gruesome beast with dripping flesh
    Clings to me as a sick fixture
    My throbbing heart it gnawed apart
    It stalks and hunts me through mirrors

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by animenagai View Post

    So here's my conundrum -- how can I keep playing out hypothetical scenarios involving someone else's psyche while staying and coming off as confident?
    I wonder how classic overthinkers high-five each other...

    Anyway, I'd say that you have to be conscious of the fact that speculation IS speculation, and therefore not necessarily based on reality. Wellll, actually you put it more eloquently here:

    Quote Originally Posted by animenagai View Post
    Maybe the key is to use the other judging function more -- Te. I might start asking myself what my reads/intuitions/projections are based on, and asking if they are well-grounded or just wisps of fancy.
    At least you don't imagine conversations you had with friends and later are surprised when their real life selves don't know what you're talking about.

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    Quote Originally Posted by animenagai View Post
    Yes, that's precisely what I mean by 'confidence', but things aren't that simple. At this stage of my life, asking these questions is just part of who I am. Therefore, 'being me' will partially involve asking these questions. I feel like I'm not really being myself if don't do this at all. See this paradox?
    Yes I do see, and have (in the past) battled with the same issue.

    A better way to put it would be. Be you... but the you you would be if you weren't single.

    Confidence is knowing that your shit has value to the opposite sex even when you don't have the tangible proof of being with someone to prove it.

    If that sounds difficult... well it is.

    If you were with someone, you wouldn't be insecure about your value to the opposite sex and would just act like the "real" you.

    The insecurity isn't what's real, what's beneath it is.

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    Senior Member animenagai's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by thealchemist View Post
    I wonder how classic overthinkers high-five each other...

    Anyway, I'd say that you have to be conscious of the fact that speculation IS speculation, and therefore not necessarily based on reality.

    At least you don't imagine conversations you had with friends and later are surprised when their real life selves don't know what you're talking about.
    Damn Alc, maybe you should take over as the OP . Mind-five (high-mind? High cerebral cortex?)!

    Hmmmm on a more serious note, we can remind ourselves that our speculations are only speculations, but that doesn't stop us from speculating in the first place. There's still that confidence (or looking confident) issue.

    Quote Originally Posted by DiscoBiscuit View Post
    Yes I do see, and have (in the past) battled with the same issue.

    A better way to put it would be. Be you... but the you you would be if you weren't single.

    Confidence is knowing that your shit has value to the opposite sex even when you don't have the tangible proof of being with someone to prove it.

    If that sounds difficult... well it is.

    If you were with someone, you wouldn't be insecure about your value to the opposite sex and would just act like the "real" you.

    The insecurity isn't what's real, what's beneath it is.
    I don't think I explained myself very well, so I'll try and do better here. Most of my wonderings have nothing to do with attraction. I've often wondered what my INTJ flatmate/father was thinking, and I've done mental simulations where I try to imagine the experiences of thinking like an INFJ. Heck, I've done this with just about every type. It's just fascinating. In terms of day to day stuff, I wonder what my friends/family think all the time. I don't even think it's all about security, it's just a knee-jerk reaction at this point. This is just my way of dealing with social interactions. So, coming back to your point, I don't think just acting like a married man or whatever would solve this, because a lot of this isn't about romantic/sexual relationships. I will still wonder what other people are thinking, and that can easily come off as insecure (sometimes it is, sometimes it's not).
    Chimera of Filth

    A gruesome beast with dripping flesh
    Clings to me as a sick fixture
    My throbbing heart it gnawed apart
    It stalks and hunts me through mirrors

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    Quote Originally Posted by animenagai View Post
    So, coming back to your point, I don't think just acting like a married man or whatever would solve this, because a lot of this isn't about romantic/sexual relationships. I will still wonder what other people are thinking, and that can easily come off as insecure (sometimes it is, sometimes it's not).
    If girls aren't at issue then whats the problem?

    If your a naturally curious person, then just be that.

    I'm failing to see any real detriment to the behavior if it doesn't revolve around attracting someone.

    Shit all I do is try to figure out what others are thinking, being a good salesperson is like 90% that.

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