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  1. #11
    Senior Member animenagai's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DiscoBiscuit View Post
    If girls aren't at issue then whats the problem?

    If your a naturally curious person, then just be that.

    I'm failing to see any real detriment to the behavior if it doesn't revolve around attracting someone.

    Shit all I do is try to figure out what others are thinking, being a good salesperson is like 90% that.
    What I'm trying to say is that me acting like I was taken doesn't stop me from looking insecure to the laaaaaaadies.
    Chimera of Filth

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  2. #12
    Undisciplined Starry's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by animenagai View Post
    I see what you're saying, and yes, I can say that I have more courage than confidence. Maybe this is just something I have to accept, and the way out of the quagmire without sacrificing who I am.
    When you imagine what it is that other people are thinking/feeling... are you saying you are more likely to imagine things poorly when it comes to romantic relationships? Or is it equal across relationship lines as in you are just as likely to imagine poor thoughts and feelings stemming from your father as you are a female romantic interest?

  3. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by animenagai View Post
    What I'm trying to say is that me acting like I was taken doesn't stop me from looking insecure to the laaaaaaadies.
    I don't think you understand quite what I was getting at, but that's ok.

    If you don't mind me asking what else makes you look insecure?

  4. #14
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    My use of Ti and Ne rather than Ni an d some Je function causes this same problem for me. Sometimes I wish I could have just a minute to analyze whatever social situation I'm in without being labelled "shy" before I even begin to interact. I usually spend too much time analyzing new people that by the time I'm ready to talk to them, everyone else are already best friends and the person is convinced that I don't like them.

  5. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by animenagai View Post
    Damn Alc, maybe you should take over as the OP . Mind-five (high-mind? High cerebral cortex?)!

    Hmmmm on a more serious note, we can remind ourselves that our speculations are only speculations, but that doesn't stop us from speculating in the first place. There's still that confidence (or looking confident) issue.
    I don't think I'm getting your point here. Do you mean that speculating and creating mental maps that may or may not be grounded in reality make you look less confident?

  6. #16
    Senior Member animenagai's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Starry View Post
    When you imagine what it is that other people are thinking/feeling... are you saying you are more likely to imagine things poorly when it comes to romantic relationships? Or is it equal across relationship lines as in you are just as likely to imagine poor thoughts and feelings stemming from your father as you are a female romantic interest?
    It's a general thing. I often wonder if I could have said things better, or if I should have made that joke, in any interaction I may be in. I think just thinking so much about what other people think, can be a sign of being insecure.

    Quote Originally Posted by DiscoBiscuit View Post
    I don't think you understand quite what I was getting at, but that's ok.

    If you don't mind me asking what else makes you look insecure?
    Ummm... being in heated arguments from time to time, being too competitive, whining about certain situations like not having a job or a GF... that's all that comes to mind right now.
    Chimera of Filth

    A gruesome beast with dripping flesh
    Clings to me as a sick fixture
    My throbbing heart it gnawed apart
    It stalks and hunts me through mirrors

  7. #17
    i love skylights's Avatar
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    Hehe, this makes me laugh a little because I think it's basically the modus operadi of an e6 to be doing this constantly. I'm a sensitive overthinker too, obviously.

    But I don't think the scenario-producing game is necessarily a bad thing. Like you said, it's fascinating, it's often entertaining, and I think it can help immensely with empathizing. I suspect how much confidence you're demonstrating has more to do with how you use the results of the what-are-they-thinking game, rather than whether you play it. Like whether you let your hypothesized answers change your course... or at least, how quickly you let them change your course. We are both imaginative and reactive enneatypes, which I think is significant here. The more healthy we are, the less we react dramatically. For me, I have to ask myself things like: Am I reacting to my hypothesized answers out of fear, or am I taking them in perspective as potential but not real, letting their possibilities inform me but not direct me? Am I letting my imagination pull me around, or am I standing firmly on the ground, letting my hypothesized answers guide my vision and my actions but not taking control of my decisions? Who is in charge here? In other words, I don't think the guessing itself is a problem. I think the way one responds to it can be.

    And at least personally, I feel like my confidence really comes from a separate place. For me it's more of a deep body-and-energy place. It's not a surface, up-front sort of thing, not racing ahead like my thoughts. More like a deep, wide, clear, steady sapphire pool of feeling confident in myself. For me it's more physical and emotional than mental, feeling strong, capable, and deeply caring. I'm certainly socially shy and not always the most outwardly confident. I know that personally, feeling grounded in my body is a huge confidence boost. When I feel strong and athletic, that gives me a lot of inward confidence, like it feels good to be who I am so I'm going to keep doing it. I also get confidence from feeling competent and meaningful - if I'm doing the things in my life I want to do, if I'm achieving my goals, if I'm enjoying my life. Those are the sorts of things that build me up and make me feel like I love who I am, which makes me much more resilient. It's a feeling that quiets my mind from racing so much and lets it focus on what I really care about, which includes genuine and compassionate connection with people, as well as sensuality and sexuality.

    So that all is to say... I wonder if the answer is just return to your core again and again... return to what makes you tick again and again. I think we have a native sense of what is good and healthy. If you're getting lost in the guessing game, pull back inwards again, recenter on what you really care about, and return. Go back to what is most genuine... who you most truly are... the interactions that make you feel lit up and warm inside. I think a lot can get lost in overanalysis in relationships. I've been in my relationship almost three years now and I still have to stop my crazy thoughts from flying and return to figuring out what is deep and real, what is true versus what is an overwrought mental elaboration playing on my fears.

    On the bright side, there have been studies demonstrating that people tend to overestimate others' abilities. People are statistically likely to believe what someone says when they say it. So while I'm no advocate of false confidence - Starry made the important clarification between false veneer and true depth of courage - I also think there's an art to letting things just be okay. Again, to me as an e6, this is one of the weirdest and craziest things for me to wrap my head around, but like 9 times out of 10 when I'm worried about something, if I just let it go, things turn out okay. That awkward thing you might have said... that weird joke that no one got... that day you were just an asshole about everything... people are way more caught up in their own concerns and tend to forget stuff like this unless it pings as "super important" on their radar for some special reason. So sometimes it's just okay to let it be okay. And that's kind of one of those deep well things for me. So shit's flying right now... oh well. It'll be fine in a while. Duck into the sapphire pool, trust and wait, give it a few days to blow over. The song and dance of life goes on. One minor aberration is unlikely to lose you something important - if it does, it wasn't on very steady ground to begin with, and it's your choice to actively try to solidify that ground or to just move on.

  8. #18
    Undisciplined Starry's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by animenagai View Post
    It's a general thing. I often wonder if I could have said things better, or if I should have made that joke, in any interaction I may be in. I think just thinking so much about what other people think, can be a sign of being insecure.
    Umm...I'm reading this...I've done so now approx 17 times...and the image that keeps coming into my mind are the thousands of married woman all across the US that went and filed divorce papers today. And I wonder how many of those were filed on the basis of "my husband couldn't give a shit what I think...how I feel...how his behavior and actions impact me..." (<-this image being separate from all the husbands that did the same today for the same reasons...)

    While confidence and arrogance/self-centeredness are often difficult to distinguish from one another (yes, many women are attracted to "arrogant-confidence" and I would suggest avoiding them like you might avoid dirty toilets in a public restroom...) but confidence isn't necessarily ruled-out on the basis of caring how another thinks and feels...especially a love interest/beloved...

    What else do you think might be occurring for you here...?

  9. #19
    Senior Member animenagai's Avatar
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    @skylights

    That's awesome! That was really helpful. Thanks!

    @Starry

    About the divorce thing, lol yeah guess I have a one up on those bastards.

    Thanks everyone for all your help! Really appreciate it. Just talking about it put a lot of things in perspective for me.
    Chimera of Filth

    A gruesome beast with dripping flesh
    Clings to me as a sick fixture
    My throbbing heart it gnawed apart
    It stalks and hunts me through mirrors

  10. #20
    i love skylights's Avatar
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    @animenagai Glad to be helpful I enjoyed writing and thinking about this one.

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