I'm sorry about this--that I confuse you to this degree. I'm not yet sure what I can say that will help, but I'll keep trying. Okay?I am at my wits end... This is what I'll say to you.... I am an INFJ and I have NO idea what you are talking about... I cannot even relate to you...
I'm not going to take these questions so literally. Instead, I'm going to tell you this.Please do tell me, what were you like in your 20s and 30s?
How did you spend your free time?
What activities did you do?
What caused you the most distress?
Did you continously blame yourself for your failures and not being good enough?
My whole life, I've felt shame and embarrassment whenever I've become aware that I've made a mistake. For a while, I tried acting arrogant and pushing all of that feeling out onto the people around me, but I ended up seeing what I had done and that was worse than dealing with the initial feelings. Even now, I'll feel sick to my stomach when I think about the mistakes I've made. I feel that I'll be judged harshly, that no one will like me. I walk on eggshells around myself, because I don't want to feel those feelings. I'm afraid they'll overwhelm me, so I go into analytical mode.
My whole life, I've had trouble setting good boundaries with other people. Again, I've tried hard tactics--setting such unrealistic and unfair boundaries that I felt worse for doing so. So, then I'd swing the other way and have almost no boundaries, which worked as far as how I felt, because I then could feel that I wasn't hurting other people's feelings by telling them "no", but it left me feeling used and angry. But I couldn't start blaming other people for me being afraid to tell them "no", so I became hyper-responsible while I learned to say "no". But then it seemed that people just wouldn't respect it when I told them "no". Having to tell them "no" over and over again felt like they weren't listening to me, and I would get angry. Why couldn't they hear me the first time and respect that? (Hint: I've found out that it's still unrealistic, because there are things I have to be told "no" over and over about as well.)
So, yeghor, if you're looking for some magic that will stop the feelings of shame and embarrassment, or that will help you in setting good boundaries, there is none. You already have the answer. You keep going. You keep trying. In spite of what you're feeling, you keep making the mistakes and learn to deal with the feelings. You figure out what a reasonable boundary is and you set it, even though it's uncomfortable to do so. You listen and you revise. You live and learn. You reach out to people and find that they aren't always as judgmental and scary as you imagined they were. It's not easy, and those uncomfortable feelings don't go away.
So, it may look to you like I've been confessing my sins so that I can be at peace, but that's not exactly what's happening. I've been looking at my blind spots and thought patterns, examining them and how they might contribute to the mistakes I might make. I've been answering other people's questions about what thought patterns might be at play in the problems they've experienced with INFJs. It hasn't really brought me peace--I still feel all of those feelings of embarrassment and shame. What it has brought me is strength and answers and tools to work with. But, I'm still learning, so maybe some measure of peace will come from this, too.