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  1. #1
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    Question Would an INFJ ever lie about romantic interest?

    I've been good friends with an INFJ for a couple months now (we're in a graduate program together) and about a month ago I noticed that there seemed to be something romantic brewing between us. I was just getting that feeling-- from the look on her face, the touching, the little gifts-- of like, hmm, something's going on.

    So, I said something about it and was really surprised when she said she wasn't feeling that way about me. She really was acting like she had a crush on me or something, so I was baffled. Usually my intuition is really spot on about these things-- I can usually read people really well.

    Anyway, we're still friends and I've been giving her lots of space and was adjusting to the fact that she doesn't feel the way I thought she was feeling, but her behavior is still the same-- little thoughtful gifts, heartfelt notes & cards, and lingering in my car when I drop her off (like, for 45 minutes), with *that look* on her face.

    What's going on with this INFJ I adore so much?

    Potentially relevant detail: The program we're in discourages relationships between students (it's an intensive psychology program). When I talked to her about what was going on between us, I did it in the spirit of "Hey, let's name this thing and be honest about it" rather than "let's date and totally ignore the rule." I didn't suggest that we start a covert relationship or anything like that. I don't think I put any pressure on her.

    But maybe I did?

    If you're an INFJ, what do you think of this situation? Can you imagine outwardly denying your feelings in order to preserve something, not rock the boat, or whatever?

    Or, damn you, you awesome, sweet INFJs, is this how you are with all your friends??

    Thanks in advance, forum friends, for your insight/advice.

  2. #2
    Senior Member iNtrovert's Avatar
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    I can't speak for her but I wouldn't lie. I’m generally honest about those sorts of things. If I found something out about the person that I saw as deal breaker after the initial attraction I could imagine the scenario you described. Seemingly being into you and then suddenly not. I don’t really know though it could be anything.
    "Re-examine all that you have been told... dismiss that which insults your soul."_Walt Whitman

  3. #3
    Just a note... LittleV's Avatar
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    I'm probably in a similar environment to yours, although there aren't any limitations on dating other students here; you just can't date YOUR students or professors during the prospective terms.

    I see interest and compatibility as separate entities; if I don't see compatibility, I would try my best to move on. If I would see compatibility... oh man... what I'd do would depend on so many factors; I'd try to gauge for compatibility as soon as I could, though. If I'd give someone thoughtful gifts/notes/cards... and "linger" after someone would drop me off... it might mean I am interested. Despite how friendly I could be... those are rather deliberate acts. If she's an INFJ... then perhaps it's the wrong time and/or she doesn't see the relationship lasting. No matter how much something may hurt... I'd take care of the future first and foremost.

  4. #4
    Senior Member autumnandtherain's Avatar
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    Hmm, I've sort of been in this situation before (seeming like I like someone when I actually don't). Could be several things.

    1) She's confused. Maybe she doesn't know exactly how she feels about you. She could have been trying to get to know you better before deciding.

    2) She guessed/knows how you feel about her and doesn't want to hurt your feelings. You mentioned you are friends, and I generally like to make sure my friends think highly of me, and I absolutely hate stomping on someone's heart, even if it's not my fault or it can't be helped.

    3) It's very possible that your program plays a role in it. I don't know about other INFJs but I have always been a stickler for rules, and feel very uncomfortable crossing lines that I know shouldn't be crossed.

    4) She likes you, but she doesn't see it being long-term. I typically know right away if I'd consider someone a long-term mate or not. It could be that she likes you but that she has a gut feeling that it won't work out.

    I'm sure there are so many other possibilities but those would be the top ones for me.

  5. #5
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    I'd lie, but I'd also try to reign in my behavior.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
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  6. #6
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    Just because one feels attracted doen't mean that they believe a relationship is a good idea for them - that's an incredibly common inner conflict for people of all types. I think behaving more in line with her decision rather than her feelings once the decision is made not to seek a relationship would be more considerate of her, though. I would be careful about that myself.
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  7. #7
    Undisciplined Starry's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by lithasblot View Post
    I've been good friends with an INFJ for a couple months now (we're in a graduate program together) and about a month ago I noticed that there seemed to be something romantic brewing between us. I was just getting that feeling-- from the look on her face, the touching, the little gifts-- of like, hmm, something's going on.

    So, I said something about it and was really surprised when she said she wasn't feeling that way about me. She really was acting like she had a crush on me or something, so I was baffled. Usually my intuition is really spot on about these things-- I can usually read people really well.

    Anyway, we're still friends and I've been giving her lots of space and was adjusting to the fact that she doesn't feel the way I thought she was feeling, but her behavior is still the same-- little thoughtful gifts, heartfelt notes & cards, and lingering in my car when I drop her off (like, for 45 minutes), with *that look* on her face.

    What's going on with this INFJ I adore so much?

    Potentially relevant detail: The program we're in discourages relationships between students (it's an intensive psychology program). When I talked to her about what was going on between us, I did it in the spirit of "Hey, let's name this thing and be honest about it" rather than "let's date and totally ignore the rule." I didn't suggest that we start a covert relationship or anything like that. I don't think I put any pressure on her.

    But maybe I did?

    If you're an INFJ, what do you think of this situation? Can you imagine outwardly denying your feelings in order to preserve something, not rock the boat, or whatever?

    Or, damn you, you awesome, sweet INFJs, is this how you are with all your friends??

    Thanks in advance, forum friends, for your insight/advice.


    Hello lithasblot, I noticed we joined this forum at the same time and I'm glad that you have not forgotten about us. It's nice to have you here.

    This post, your story... it fascinates me for some reason. There's this sense I have...that one of the pieces of the puzzle is either misplaced or missing and if I had it I could put it all together and tell you what I see. With what I do have however...I see nothing that would pertain specifically to the INFJ type. All types lie with regards to romantic interest...INFJs no more or less than anyone else. And I, an ENFP, would lie too in this instance... if you were to insert me into what I know of your story.

    Had she confessed to having romantic feelings for you what would you have done? I should note that I have no idea how this individual feels... but let's say she did in fact have feelings for you and confessed them that night... what would you have done? It didn't seem to me that you had much of a plan. I mean, hey...I like going with the flow and enjoying how things organically unfold as much as the next ENFP...but when you go to force the hand of someone you care about in a situation that already seems to have some external restictions in place..."let's name this thing" might not be the best route to take. Here's where I'm wondering if you unintentionally left out a piece of the puzzle. If not, if I'm holding all the pieces of your story...then I would have lied as well.

    I would have wanted you to be upfront with your feelings in a courageous not casual manner. And I would have wanted to hear your thoughts on what you thought best to do regarding the graduate program and relationships (honestly, I can't really even tell if you have strong feelings for her. It seems in a way that you just want to know how she feels...which may just be another missing piece. I would not confess my feelings though if I felt the man just wanted to know...either for what seemed like ego-stroking or curiosity.)

    Perhaps it is the case she only sees you as a friend...but this is difficult to ascertain when I feel many people would lie if met with the approach you shared.

  8. #8
    Senior Member statuesquechica's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by lithasblot View Post
    If you're an INFJ, what do you think of this situation? Can you imagine outwardly denying your feelings in order to preserve something, not rock the boat, or whatever?
    yes, absolutely I would deny my feelings in order to preserve the peace...especially if it might hurt someone to do otherwise
    I've looked at life from both sides now
    From up and down and still somehow
    It's life's illusions I recall
    I really don't know life at all

    Joni Mitchell

  9. #9
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    FWIW, I don't consider my feelings anyone else's business until and unless I want to make it their business so lying is an acceptable to way to deflect what I consider an intrusive question. Basically the same as if you asked for details about my weight, by personal hygiene, or my sex life.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  10. #10
    You have a choice! 21%'s Avatar
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    If I'm not prepared for that question, I would definitely lie. Maybe she doesn't know how she feels and how exactly she wants to proceed with this 'attraction', so it's best to keep things 'normal' while she ponders the implications.
    4w5 sp/sx EII

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