[NF] Why Do NFs Apologize So Much?

[J1129]

I can definitely relate to this article. One of my best friends always tells me I apologize all the time.
I just don't like people to feel awkward because I often find myself in awkward situations so I try to make others not feel uncomfortable. For example, I might have a party in the coming months but since I have friends from different groups who don't necessarily all like each other, I'm having second thoughts about the whole idea. People tell me they'll get along for my sake but I'd rather have everyone comfortable with each other so that the event can be as successful & fun as possible.
Back to apologizing, I just don't like to have uncertain cold feelings with others. If I do something wrong, I immediately say sorry because I want to know that the person & I are still cool with each other & that there are no harsh feelings between us. I do not like conflict, criticism, & I like knowing where my relationships stand so apologizing is my natural way of putting everything back in balance. I want my relationships to be as warm & open as possible.

 

[raebreak]

I tend to use it as a way to see where my failings and weaknesses are and work on them. And since I know my weaknesses involve sometimes seeming cold and detached and overly analytical, I tend to look towards warm, caring and kind people as role models.

I agree with what you said that, some people use their 'type' as an excuse to defend the wrong or inappropriate things that they do. Being an ENFP, speaking for myself, things for me has been a roller coaster ride, so I try to develop the other side of the spectrum like trying to be more of a "T" on the situations in my life when I should think more than feel although it really gets difficult.

 

[Mempy]

I can be very confrontational, frustrated and unapologetic when I'm in a bad mood.

I don't apologize that much, unless the situation really requires it. Like if I'm walking by someone and accidentally knock them hard in the elbow, and they drop all their school books. "Oh! I'm so sorry." And I'll help them pick them up. Or if I accidentally cut someone off in conversation, because we both wanted to say something at the same time. Things like that. I don't /effuse/ apologies. A little dab will do you, as long as it's authentic.

I'm an INFP and I don't mind at all deep discussions where both sides are "pushing" - I don't actually see it as pushing unless the other person gets excited and stops listening to what I'm saying, in which case I'll probably just stop talking. If I can tell they're not listening, why talk?

I won't "push" my voice in any conversation, not even if the matter needs to be discussed. If someone's so angry or red in the face that I can tell nothing's getting through to them - if it's an effort to talk over them - it's time to take a break from the conversation and come back to it later, if it's important. If it's not important, I'll just blow by it.

Most of the time I just say what I want to say or what comes to mind. I never apologize for just being myself and saying what I really feel. If I can tell someone's listening, I'll probably just talk. I like conversation, even if we disagree.

 

[CzeCze]

I apologize a lot. When I was younger, I did it because I had painful self-esteem issues and I wanted to make sure I was not offending anyone and that everyone liked me. So sad. So true.

I don't apologize as much anymore, but I still do it more than 'most people'. It got on the nerves of my INTP friend who asked me 'why are you apologizing? what are you sorry for?'

The thing is, when I apologize, I'm not necessarily claiming responsibility for anything, I'm usually just empathising with the other person. As in, "I'm so sorry to hear that" or "I'm sorry that happened to you, even though I have absolutely nothing to do with it and can't do anything to rectify the situation for you".

'Sorry' is a FEELING signifier, basically to tell the other people or person that 'I am aware, and I care'.

Gawd, no wonder why NF's can drive more logical types nutty.

 

[CzeCze]

...One of my best friends always tells me I apologize all the time.
I just don't like people to feel awkward because I often find myself in awkward situations so I try to make others not feel uncomfortable. ...
Back to apologizing, I just don't like to have uncertain cold feelings with others. If I do something wrong, I immediately say sorry because I want to know that the person & I are still cool with each other & that there are no harsh feelings between us. I do not like conflict, criticism, & I like knowing where my relationships stand so apologizing is my natural way of putting everything back in balance. I want my relationships to be as warm & open as possible.

OMG, so on point. Even though I am ENFP, this gets to why I apologize. Not to the same extreme or extent, but definitely when I was younger this hits the nail on the head. And even now, older, wiser, more confident, and not as dependent on other people's approval -- I identify with your description.

It's so nice to meet other people feel similarly and understand!

 

[Metamorphosis]

'Sorry' is a FEELING signifier, basically to tell the other people or person that 'I am aware, and I care'.

Gawd, no wonder why NF's can drive more logical types nutty.

Sorry is also a social reflex. I say sorry a lot even if I don't mean it. Of course...normally my lack of enthusiasm shines through, negating the whole process.

 

[Sahara]

I apologise alot too lol I know I do it, and I try not to.

If I like you, and as you said you seem to come back with a strong opinion, I worry that I have offended, so I will back down a bit, to save the friendship, doesn't mean I have changed my stance, just means I will try again another time only phrased better.

If I have no particular feelings for you, or I think you are intentionally trying to use my apologetic stance for your own gain, then I will come back hard, very hard, and I won't back down, sensitive people watch out as I have been known to make people cry often when I get like that.

Ah but then the tears get to me, and I end up apologising, even if I don't like you, tears get me.

Still though I am alot better at standing my ground and alot harder than I used to be.

 

[CzeCze]

Also, no manners --

Finally, in general people with no or poor manners really piss me off. I have no patience or sympathy for bad customer service or rude people, no matter how bad their day is going, as I worked in full time retail for 2 years and 98% was an AWESOME sales associate. That's just the ENFP in me.

So going along with why do I apologize so much -- it just comes down to having good home training. Do you care about other people? Do you have manners? Do you understand social graces?

People who are uncouth or who have obvious chips on their shoulders or confidence issues and so do NOT apologize or saying 'please, thank you, may I?' because they think it makes them look WEAK -- I think they look ugly and small and so obvious that they are insecure.

Even though some (non NF's) may say that confidence issues drive an NF's need to apologize, I think it at least shows a great level of awareness and concern for others and the general social atmosphere. And on the flip side, it does take an amount of confidence to even verbalize and show emotion to say 'I'm sorry'.

So yes, a related tangent.

 

[shen]

But to me as an NF Jennifer everything is personal, everything is internalized... I am an Fi. Any source of emotion that comes at me is processed within me thus making it personal.

yeh lol, we are sensitive spiritual appology bags! my very soul looses a morsel of light when we are thrown anger.

now, on the other hand, if one had a burst of 'negative' emotion went upstairs for a minute until it vanished, then came down and spoke...softly, 'darling,(matching puppy eyes too) please dont do that again it irritates me, i have just nearly choked on my vomit '.....then everything would be ok(more or less) and i'm sure we would be able to diplomatically discuss!

 

[miked277]

i can attest to the *nfp feeling the need to apologize to a fault (imo). what's fun tho on occasion is when they try to apologize for something like being too assertive or pointing out some mistake or w/e, in a really serious-but-joking tone let them know just how much they have offended you and how hurt you are. mmm, rufffling a *nfp's feathers can be fun too

<3

edit: tho i only suppose it's funny coming from a normally heartless type of person

 

[ladypinkington]

Is it just me or does anyone else even apologize to inanimate objects? If I bump into furniture I apologize to it.

 

[miked277]

Is it just me or does anyone else even apologize to inanimate objects? If I bump into furniture I apologize to it.

that's a really cute kind of funny

 

[shen]

that's a really cute kind of funny

LOL. i'm not that warped anymore, but i do appologize to animals, when i was little, i used to appologize to my broken toys though.

 

[Eve]

Same as FL and triple-J except if I somehow get personally tangled in it all. A juicy ad hominem can do this for instance. The second I personally enter into the equation, it's like an alarm button is pushed and the entire system locks down in emergency mode. Fi takes full charge of Ne and uses 100% of it's power to scan for the limitless possibilities of what I could have done wrong instead of objectively taking in the situation. Since my Ne is extremely good at brainstorming for possibilities, I soon have a smorgasbord of possible things I fear I might have done wrong. At that point it's normally too tempting to back down, drop the flash and smoke grenade called "sorry" and escape the situation as quickly as possible in order to cool down, get back the use of rational thought and analyse wtf just happened.

I've got much better at not entering this state of emergency over the years, though, and really dislike it when others do it, especially if it's over things like "sorry you have to drive me home" etc. Extremely annoying. It's sending the message that they think you are a person who'd probably blow up or hold a grudge over a small thing like this, so they'd better try to appease you. But that's what you get when the judging function is introverted feeling; extremely self centered value judgements. (Unless you learn to counter this by actively engaging other functions to check Fi when it's freaking out.)

You know, I'm familiar with this 'Fi lockdown.' I've been trying to find ways to minimize it.

I usually apologize when I think I came out too strong. It happens usually after a 'Fi fit.' What I'm starting to realize is that most people (especially NTs) don't even register what happened as a fit.

If NFs know it's just for play, my experience is they normally don't check out. But for them to know it's play, they normally need to feel certain they're appreciated by the people they're arguing with, regardless of the outcome of the argument, and it has to be kept at a impersonal level, or feelings come in the way and the stakes are raised too much for it to be worth it.

True. It might make me stay longer, but if the other person is too invested, I will usually be the first one to fold (sadly).

 

[MissLyx]

It's so strange that I came across this post, because it's something that I've often wondered about for myself. All my life I've had people tell me, "Stop apologizing! What the hell are you apologizing for?" And it's something that I just don't know how to turn off.
In my case, I'm consistently scared to death to step on anyone's toes, or to make anyone mad at me. It's difficult living with the constant thought of, "If I say this, then I'm going to piss someone off." And I think most NF's can agree with me, that for the most part, we loathe confrontation.

At least I seriously do. Does any of what I said ring true to other NF's?

 

[Synarch]

I've only seen this in INFJ's. They're harmony addicts.

 

[The Third Rider]

I don't really apologize for anything I do, unless I really screw up. May be because I live in Boston. We are called Massholes for a reason.

 

[Amargith]

I've only seen this in INFJ's. They're harmony addicts.

Mmm, I relate to this too. Basically, I can't stand disharmony. Therefore, if we are in a conversation clearly divided by an argument or with some kind detached feeling from each other, I will appologize in order to restore the harmony. Otherwise, I will leave the conversation with a negative feeling and will next time most likely stress to talk to you as my memory tells me that last time wasn't that pleasant either. If this happens a lot, I can loathe seeing the person and even avoid him as the memory of the negativity just makes me anxious and stressed in advance.

 

[Synarch]

Conflict can be healthy, though!

 

[THEANO]

I am terribly sorry, but I have no answer...