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  1. #111
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    Default Why do NFs apologize so much?

    Quote Originally Posted by Synarch View Post
    I've only seen this in INFJ's. They're harmony addicts.
    Really? I do know that I'm ridiculously conflict-avoidant, but I don't necessarily do a lot of apologizing unless I sense I've hurt someone. Instead, I tend to go along with things and be pretty laidback until someone crosses one of my lines and then, dear God, Katie bar the door! Even then, I sometimes don't confront the other person but will just disappear for however long it takes me to get over the line-crossing (sometimes I never do).

    I realize how P-A this all sounds, so clearly it's something I need to work on. Sometimes if I can take the time to write down my thoughts on an issue, I can go back and be--well, not confrontational--but make my position clear without the need to apologize.
    It's a blessing...and a curse.

    Originally Posted by Anja
    I don't have room for shame in my life.

    INFJ, 4w5 sx

  2. #112
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    hmmm.......i don't think i do that with people that are close to me but with new people i guess i do just because i don't wanna fight with em..haha...idk sounds silly...thanks
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
    -Jim Morrison

  3. #113
    Senior Member mlittrell's Avatar
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    read the NF temperament profile from Please Understand Me part II, that should answer your question. i personally only apologize only when i see that it is truly warranted.
    "Honest differences are often a healthy sign of progress. "

    "You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty."

    "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind."

    Mahatma Gandhi

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  4. #114
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    I know that I can sometimes find someone annoying if I think their idea is stupid or cruel, but even then, that emotion just sort of 'sits off to the side' -- it is not the primary thing driving my conversation with that person, it's just another piece of data to be taken into account, and I still instinctively try to converse based on what is being said, not how I feel about the other person.

    So it is possible to not like someone, or to simply be frustrated with them, but still act very decently and openly with them...

    Still, I know what it's like to be scared to contribute, fearing rejection. It can seem like a mountain sometimes.

    We pick up on you being frustrated and although we like exchanging thoughts..our primary goal is to conserve our relationship with you. That means that the discussion takes a back seat till the disharmony has been dealt with. If we know the person well, it is usually less of a problem, as we know how they feel about us general, even if they disagree with what we're saying at that moment. With a stranger though, you never know if you've left a lasting impression while rubbing them the wrong way.

    I dunno about the rest, but picking up on your frustration while you're being polite can go two ways: I recognize that you're trying to accomodate me, which can cause me to either feel grateful or guilty (depending on how much you are accomodating me), or, I start becoming paranoid as to whether or not I'm reading this right and if so, why you are faking things (I realize you don't fake, from your point of view, but that's how I at that moment perceive it)
    ★ڿڰۣ✿ℒoѵℯ✿ڿڰۣ★





    "Harm none, do as ye will”

  5. #115
    Senior Member helen's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ladypinkington View Post
    Is it just me or does anyone else even apologize to inanimate objects? If I bump into furniture I apologize to it.
    Yes! I have done this many times. It happens automatically. As far as I knew I was the only one.
    "There ain't no doubt in no one's mind that love's the finest thing around. Whisper something soft and kind." --James Taylor

  6. #116
    Senior Member Anja's Avatar
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    The first couple of sentences of your post, Amargith, sound spot on! I doubt that other types recognize how much we value our connection with them.

    It's the world I thrive in - that of connection and harmony. But it has to be the real deal, not a mock up. And I work for that clarity.

    The playing field has to be clear of crap first. Perhaps a start is the question itself.

    It's like, no, I'm not apologizing because I think I'm worthless. I'm apologizing because you and your values have worth to me. I'm apologizing because I haven't figured out a way to develop understanding yet. I want to make sure I haven't ruffled your feathers and get us off to a good start.

    Does that summarize it?

    I've run into a lot of people in my life who have misunderstood my intentions because they don't carry that same value.

    This winter, in a group exercise a woman said to me, "I think you're just being nice because you don't want anyone to hurt you." Hmm. First I was startled and some taken aback that she'd assume that I wasn't being my genuine self.

    Next I wondered why she would feel like I was defending against her trying to hurt me. Why would she ever want to hurt me? I don't approach friendships expecting someone to be hurtful for no reason.

    Then I started to feel insecure in my relationship with her given this side of her nature she'd just exposed. That she viewed kindness as an attempt to manipulate her.

    Then I started to feel sad for her that that was what she had learned about relationships.

    It was a very odd and eye-opening moment.
    "No ray of sunshine is ever lost, but the green which it awakes into existence needs time to sprout, and it is not always granted to the sower to see the harvest. All work that is worth anything is done in faith." - Albert Schweitzer

  7. #117
    Senior Member helen's Avatar
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    On why I apologize too much:

    Much of the time, my purpose in talking to someone is to build a connection with them, of whatever kind, not merely to convey and exchange information and ideas. Once the connection is there and is being maintained, the idea exchange and debate stuff becomes fun, but only then.

    I have heard NFs are open about their feelings but guarded about their thoughts, and NTs are open about their thoughts but guarded about their feelings.

    I don't always know which remarks/observations/comments are likely to "click" with a particular individual or miss. Sometimes I apologize to try and gauge this, as well as to make sure any possible missteps are covered. It is important to me that my friends know I mean well and care about their feelings. But it's all about establishing a comfort level. If you want me to not apologize, be clear that you won't taken offense and really want to know what I really think.
    "There ain't no doubt in no one's mind that love's the finest thing around. Whisper something soft and kind." --James Taylor

  8. #118
    Queen hunter Virtual ghost's Avatar
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    Question

    If someone accuses you that you apologize too much, do you apologize to other person because of that?

  9. #119
    Senior Member helen's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Antisocial one View Post
    Question

    If someone accuses you that you apologize too much, do you apologize to other person because of that?
    Nah, I'm too quick for that. I just say "I know" sometimes give a reason and sometimes don't, and then try to apologize less around that person.
    "There ain't no doubt in no one's mind that love's the finest thing around. Whisper something soft and kind." --James Taylor

  10. #120
    Senior Member Anja's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Antisocial one View Post
    Question

    If someone accuses you that you apologize too much, do you apologize to other person because of that?
    :yim_rolling_on_the_
    "No ray of sunshine is ever lost, but the green which it awakes into existence needs time to sprout, and it is not always granted to the sower to see the harvest. All work that is worth anything is done in faith." - Albert Schweitzer

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