Same as FL and triple-J except if I somehow get personally tangled in it all. A juicy ad hominem can do this for instance. The second I personally enter into the equation, it's like an alarm button is pushed and the entire system locks down in emergency mode. Fi takes full charge of Ne and uses 100% of it's power to scan for the limitless possibilities of what I could have done wrong instead of objectively taking in the situation. Since my Ne is extremely good at brainstorming for possibilities, I soon have a smorgasbord of possible things I fear I might have done wrong. At that point it's normally too tempting to back down, drop the flash and smoke grenade called "sorry" and escape the situation as quickly as possible in order to cool down, get back the use of rational thought and analyse wtf just happened.
I've got much better at not entering this state of emergency over the years, though, and really dislike it when others do it, especially if it's over things like "sorry you have to drive me home" etc. Extremely annoying. It's sending the message that they think you are a person who'd probably blow up or hold a grudge over a small thing like this, so they'd better try to appease you. But that's what you get when the judging function is introverted feeling; extremely self centered value judgements. (Unless you learn to counter this by actively engaging other functions to check Fi when it's freaking out.)
You know, I'm familiar with this 'Fi lockdown.' I've been trying to find ways to minimize it.
I usually apologize when I think I came out too strong. It happens usually after a 'Fi fit.' What I'm starting to realize is that most people (especially NTs) don't even register what happened as a fit.
Originally Posted by Carebear
If NFs know it's just for play, my experience is they normally don't check out. But for them to know it's play, they normally need to feel certain they're appreciated by the people they're arguing with, regardless of the outcome of the argument, and it has to be kept at a impersonal level, or feelings come in the way and the stakes are raised too much for it to be worth it.
True. It might make me stay longer, but if the other person is too invested, I will usually be the first one to fold (sadly).
It's so strange that I came across this post, because it's something that I've often wondered about for myself. All my life I've had people tell me, "Stop apologizing! What the hell are you apologizing for?" And it's something that I just don't know how to turn off.
In my case, I'm consistently scared to death to step on anyone's toes, or to make anyone mad at me. It's difficult living with the constant thought of, "If I say this, then I'm going to piss someone off." And I think most NF's can agree with me, that for the most part, we loathe confrontation.
At least I seriously do. Does any of what I said ring true to other NF's?
I've only seen this in INFJ's. They're harmony addicts.
Mmm, I relate to this too. Basically, I can't stand disharmony. Therefore, if we are in a conversation clearly divided by an argument or with some kind detached feeling from each other, I will appologize in order to restore the harmony. Otherwise, I will leave the conversation with a negative feeling and will next time most likely stress to talk to you as my memory tells me that last time wasn't that pleasant either. If this happens a lot, I can loathe seeing the person and even avoid him as the memory of the negativity just makes me anxious and stressed in advance.