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[INFJ] Worried about my brother (INFJ - Tested + confirmed)

Il Morto Che Parla

New member
Joined
Oct 9, 2012
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1,260
MBTI Type
xxTP
He is in the break-up with an INFJ girl (not tested or confirmed but I strongly feel she is - the INJ are 100%, the F I would say 95%).

This situation is very strange to me, and I cannot relate at all.

She is 26 (I am 24, to put into perspective I am 27 so she is closer to me than to him in age).

She is of course as an INFJ, very intelligent, strong character, I would say she never seems at ease with me, but I am not sure if that is her personality in general, or just her reaction to me. She is pretty and elegant, not my style personally (tall and thin figure, I prefer a curvy look), but certainly, would be considered an attractive and intelligent young girl.

Also she is Spanish speaking and similair in he appearance to my mother, who is also refined, ENFJ, Spanish speaking etc. So you can see where am going - at a glance I even confused her with my mother a few times before, as they even dress similarly, and both do the same job!

My brother and this girl for the past 10 months or so have spent pretty much every day together. He has slept at her house ever night, she moved across the city to live just 5 minutes from us, she got a job close to our home. When my brother was away on holiday for a few months she was worried if a day went by without him writing. They have almost never been apart, they never miss a call, they do everything together, even socializing.

I noticed she is also very jealous of other girls who have shown any inteest in my broher at any point, even very unattractive looking ones who are 35 (a nice person though).

Then suddenly, my brother came home yesterday, and said to my mother that his GF had said to him, that she was worried thy are "too different" and she was worried about the future, and they should break up. Apparently they have been talking about this for 3 days. There was apaprently no argument, just "little things" they disagreed on. He then went to her house that night because she wanted him to spend the night there, and now he has gone to spend "one last night" there tonight. When asked if they were getting back together, he said "maybe".

This to me is very fucked up. I have ended relationships before, but I have never gone from such an intense relationship, to such a seemingly "cold" break up over no particular argument. It seems very strange she could go from that level of depending on him, to ending it.

That is all the information I have at hand, could any INFJ shed any light on what might be going on?

My theory is maybe they are both too strong characters with very high standards for themselves and others, and neither one ever gives way to the other one on the "little things" so it's like a constant ego struggle. But this really is just conjecture, because there does not seem to have been any warning of this coming, in fact, until 2 days ago I would have told you they were basically a married couple.

:huh:
 

Opal

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Jan 16, 2014
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1,391
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It sounds like she could be a psychopath.

I'm getting that vibe too. She happens to be the same type as your brother and is uncomfortable around you?
Though, to be fair, it would be an elaborate act (relocating, finding new employment, expressing unease in your brother's absence...). If she were antisocial, what would she have to gain from this?

Out of curiosity, how did they meet?
 

Il Morto Che Parla

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xxTP
Out of curiosity, how did they meet?

She studied on the same course as him.

I don't want to exaggerate, It is not as if she is completely agitated when I am there. It is just a vague "vibe" I feel.

I have got on well with her, I even comforted her after an argument with her ex while my brother was away, and she stayed for an hour alone with me.

It is just that she seems tense in some sense, not completely relaxed. But maybe this is just my TP perception of her NJ type and not because she is unhappy.
 

cafe

Well-known member
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Apr 19, 2007
Messages
9,827
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9w1
She might have been having doubts for awhile but just let things cruise until she came to a final decision.
 

Halla74

Artisan Conquerer
Joined
Jan 20, 2009
Messages
6,898
MBTI Type
ESTP
Enneagram
7w8
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
She might have anxious-avoidant attachment, which would explain the hyper-clingy honeymoon period, and then the totally unexpected yet also totally non-dramatic push to end the relationship.

Wants a close relationship, gets it & is happy for awhile, then gets anxious over even trivial separation from the partner, and then after many months of this suddenly reunites with the inner urge to not be controlled and walks away in peace, only to re-enter a temporary of period of equilibrium as a single person, and then start the cycle all over again once the "Next-Ex-Mr. Right" emerges from the ethos.

I doubt she's a psychopath. I didn't read anything about constant lying, repeated cycles of being nice and then being abusive, or repeated attempts at making your Bro feel sorry for her.
Psychopaths don't have to be violent, however they are all liars, and they all have a propensity to prey on the unwitting for nothing more than their own amusement.
Psychopaths are incapable of feeling fear, and thus do not respond to punishment. Your brother has not punished her, and thus she's had no clear opportunity to keep advancing her (alleged) agenda as if she were sociopathically inclined, vs. recognize the error of her ways and apologize like a normal, decent person.

Just my .02.

:solidarity:

-Halla74
 

cafe

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She could be a limerence addict and that phase of the relationship is probably coming to its natural end.
 

Il Morto Che Parla

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She might have anxious-avoidant attachment, which would explain the hyper-clingy honeymoon period, and then the totally unexpected yet also totally non-dramatic push to end the relationship.

Wants a close relationship, gets it & is happy for awhile, then gets anxious over even trivial separation from the partner, and then after many months of this suddenly reunites with the inner urge to not be controlled and walks away in peace, only to re-enter a temporary of period of equilibrium as a single person, and then start the cycle all over again once the "Next-Ex-Mr. Right" emerges from the ethos.

I doubt she's a psychopath. I didn't read anything about constant lying, repeated cycles of being nice and then being abusive, or repeated attempts at making your Bro feel sorry for her.
Psychopaths don't have to be violent, however they are all liars, and they all have a propensity to prey on the unwitting for nothing more than their own amusement.
Psychopaths are incapable of feeling fear, and thus do not respond to punishment. Your brother has not punished her, and thus she's had no clear opportunity to keep advancing her (alleged) agenda as if she were sociopathically inclined, vs. recognize the error of her ways and apologize like a normal, decent person.

Just my .02.

:solidarity:

-Halla74

Yeah, I am pretty sure she is not a psychopath. From what I saw she is very sensitive most of the time, and was a very devoted girlfriend.
 

cafe

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As an INFJ, can you relate to the situation?
Maybe. I know when I was dating and engaged to my husband, I was watching for deal breakers almost the entire time. I didn't want to make a permanent commitment I thought was unlikely to be sustainable. If I'd have discovered something I considered a deal-breaker (and had reasonable evidence to support it), I would have considered myself obligated for both our sakes to break it off immediately.

It would have looked very random from the outside, if say, for example, he'd caved to his mother about our wedding and I dropped him like a hot rock. But I've seen what happens in relationships when a man lets his mother walk all over his wife and I didn't want to live that way. I wouldn't risk being in that situation. I wouldn't have fought with him about it. I would have just ended it. Because who wants to have to fight all the time? Not me.
 

Il Morto Che Parla

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Maybe. I know when I was dating and engaged to my husband, I was watching for deal breakers almost the entire time. I didn't want to make a permanent commitment I thought was unlikely to be sustainable. If I'd have discovered something I considered a deal-breaker (and had reasonable evidence to support it), I would have considered myself obligated for both our sakes to break it off immediately.

It would have looked very random from the outside, if say, for example, he'd caved to his mother about our wedding and I dropped him like a hot rock. But I've seen what happens in relationships when a man lets his mother walk all over his wife and I didn't want to live that way. I wouldn't risk being in that situation. I wouldn't have fought with him about it. I would have just ended it. Because who wants to have to fight all the time? Not me.

I understand tere was not one particular issue they disagreed strongly on.

What I am perceiving is that INFJ's do nto relate that much to this situation.
 

Nocapszy

no clinkz 'til brooklyn
Joined
Jun 29, 2007
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i don't understand how you can't be sure if she's F or T
she's a J, you should be able to tell what her judgement function is.
 

Nocapszy

no clinkz 'til brooklyn
Joined
Jun 29, 2007
Messages
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one of the following things must be true:
1) you're not a J type
2) the person who typed you as INTJ is confused [this is especially likely if that person was an online test instead of a person]
3) you are an INTJ
 

Il Morto Che Parla

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Actually this makes more sense now.

She called up my mother in tears (they are good friends), and said she thinks he is the one, wants to marry him and have kids etc., but that he needs to treat her better and not correct her over small things etc., essentially change his attitude with her.

This makes sense, my brother is a very strong person and so is she, certainly many people are intimidated by him and he can be quite cutting, also he is very sure he is right, and of his own value.

I think she is right, hopefully he will accomodate more to her now.
 
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