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[ENFP] ENFP's: Good or Bad Listeners?

INA

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I've known 2 ENFP friends over the years. One is an excellent listener generally while the other was absolutely terrible (I hope for her sake it is a "was" and not an "is", but I couldn't say anymore.).
Both the best and the worst.
 

faith

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I haven't experienced ENFPs as good listeners. Maybe it's just the ones I know in real life, or maybe it's my fault for not communicating well with them, but I've learned not to choose an ENFP when I need someone to hear and understand.

They seem to be very eager to relate and to share, to experience the feeling of closeness that comes when connecting with another person. Unfortunately, I've often felt that their main goal was the feeling of being connected--rather than a deep understanding of me. The ENFPs I know are often prematurely quick to assure me that they understand what I'm trying to say. But when they try to paraphrase it or reflect back what they think I've said, they don't seem to have understood at all. I've never had one listen quietly and ask relevant, probing questions to help me find the heart of the matter. My feeling is that as soon as they think they have the gist of my idea, they want to move on. They seem to have a hard time focusing intently one topic long enough think it through carefully and process all possible ins and outs.

An Example:
There was one ENFP with whom I thought I was building a strong friendship. I told her about a certain failed relationship which was weighing heavily on me at the time. She did listen quietly, but she didn't ask any questions or interact much at all. At the end, she told me it looked like I was "hiding out up there in the woods because I was afraid of a relationship." :doh: What a shallow, obvious, unhelpful reply! As though I hadn't thought of that before! As though I cared what it "looked like"! As though retreating in order to repair yourself is a bad thing! I suppose she thought I should just "get over it" and "move on". I was so discouraged; I'd rehashed all those obvious points to myself until they were worn-out and useless. I felt like I'd totally wasted my time explaining things to her, and opened up myself to fruitless rebuke, as well.

She isn't a bad lady. She's very kind & loving, extremely generous, selfless--an all-around saint. And many people evidently do think she's a good listener because there's generally someone going to her to spill their troubles. But this and several other similar situations convinced me to look elsewhere when I need an empathic ear.
 

INTJMom

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So, to any ENFPs out there, which do you think you are?


And, for all of you that know or have known any ENFPs, have they been, or are they generally good or bad listeners.


I know that we are extroverted, and like to talk and all that jazz, but I've been, what I would confidently classify as an "excellent active listener", my whole life.

I enjoy getting to know people, and as such, have reveled in finding out about other people's most inner lives and selves by and through hearing about their pasts, their thoughts, their feelings, their theories...

Love to *hear* your thoughts on this too!

:)
I know 2 ENFP males.
I think they're both good listeners... just as good a listener as anyone else.
They don't talk too much. They allow others to talk.
 

mlittrell

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i would say listening is one of my best traits
there is nothing im better at then one on one interaction
 

Harlow_Jem

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A healthy ENFP who has a well developed sense of how to appreciate people without unintentionally seeming selfish and without any insecurity complexes is definitely a fantastic listener. I love all the ENFPs in my life. They're awesome and hilarious.
 
G

Glycerine

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Well, my sister is a good listener. However, I have this one teacher that's incredibly nice but whenever you ask him a question. he seems to miss the point of what you are trying to ask. It's probably because he has so many ideas floating around in his head that he doesn't know which way to approach the answer. Ne?
 

The Chase

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I am my best at listening when it's fresh material (or at least old material with a fresh spin to it). So if I'm talking to someone new, hearing about a new story, a new concept, I'm all ears. And I'll usually have all sorts of probing questions because I'm fascinated.

I'd say there is a direct correlation between the quality of my listening skills and the number of times you have repeated the same story.

The first time you tell me about how your jerk of a boyfriend doesn't listen to you, I'll listen and ask more questions.

The third time, I'll probably suggest that you talk to your boyfriend because it's obviously bothering you.

The 6th time, I'll tell you that this probably isn't the one for you.

The tenth time, my eyes are glazing over and I'm daydreaming about your boyfriend accidently driving off a cliff and how that would give you something new to talk about.

It's annoying that because I am such a good listener the first time, people assume that I'll be the same way after episode number 10... and end up quite shocked or upset when they discover I only really cared the first couple of times.
 

Clownmaster

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if you're entertaining, i'm a great listener with lots of input

if you're boring, i'm zoning out while listening to keywords, and when i feel like it i'll listen for a few seconds to make a slight elaboration to fool you into thinking i'm being a great listener.
 

Lady_X

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I am my best at listening when it's fresh material (or at least old material with a fresh spin to it). So if I'm talking to someone new, hearing about a new story, a new concept, I'm all ears. And I'll usually have all sorts of probing questions because I'm fascinated.

I'd say there is a direct correlation between the quality of my listening skills and the number of times you have repeated the same story.

The first time you tell me about how your jerk of a boyfriend doesn't listen to you, I'll listen and ask more questions.

The third time, I'll probably suggest that you talk to your boyfriend because it's obviously bothering you.

The 6th time, I'll tell you that this probably isn't the one for you.

The tenth time, my eyes are glazing over and I'm daydreaming about your boyfriend accidently driving off a cliff and how that would give you something new to talk about.

It's annoying that because I am such a good listener the first time, people assume that I'll be the same way after episode number 10... and end up quite shocked or upset when they discover I only really cared the first couple of times.

exactly!! haha and much clearer then the way i said it :)
 

Lady_X

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if you're entertaining, i'm a great listener with lots of input

if you're boring, i'm zoning out while listening to keywords, and when i feel like it i'll listen for a few seconds to make a slight elaboration to fool you into thinking i'm being a great listener.

yes!! haha exactly if your enfp isn't listening...maybe your story sucks...haha...i'm j/k
 

ed111

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It's been my experience that ENFPs like talking but not listening (and not understanding).

Also, self-appraisal is no recommendation.
 

Amargith

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It's been my experience that ENFPs like talking but not listening (and not understanding).

Also, self-appraisal is no recommendation.

I can see how that does happen sometimes.

I think those experiences tend to happen when an ENFP is trying to align with you, but for whatever reason is not able to (different way of thinking, other way of perceiving things etc etc). We tend to listen to the situation, and describe you a situation we think is similar and we've been in. If the situation is indeed what you meant, we are then able to put ourselves in your shoes and the connection we were looking for in order to really understand you, has been established.

If this process fails however, you have a repeat of the process till it works which can turn out to be quite frustrating on both sides. And then there's always the added danger that Ne starts overassociating which can cause an ENFP to ramble, which is then perceived as excessive talking about themselves.
 

Lady_X

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^^ nice. that's true.
 
G

Glycerine

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I'm not sure if listening only to interesting things makes someone a good listener. Not to be biased, but I think introverts probably tend to be better listeners in that respect.
 

Lady_X

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well that might be true but it should be said that we find quite a lot interesting the first time it's said.
 

King sns

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I don't know whether they are good listeners or not. The ENFP's I have met have been very similar to myself, which results in us babbling excitedly at one another but neither really listening to what the other has to say and yet not being bothered by it.
 

Amargith

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I don't know whether they are good listeners or not. The ENFP's I have met have been very similar to myself, which results in us babbling excitedly at one another but neither really listening to what the other has to say and yet not being bothered by it.

Gotto love that though, you feel energized and happy throughout the rest of the day :wubbie:
 

Lady_X

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^^^ that's funny..my sisters and i do that a lot...and then after about 20 min or so we'll laugh about the fact that we're having our own separate conversation with ourselves...it doesn't bother us either...we think it's funny.
 
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