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  1. #1
    Senior Member MetalMoon's Avatar
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    Default I can't talk and I'm brain-sickly

    Unfortunately for some, I am able to actually physically talk. However...OK, this thread is just going to be me venting my intellectual frustrations:

    My internal thoughts are rarely translated properly into words. Can anyone relate? When trying to express myself, or even exhibit a small shred of intelligence and awareness, I fail.

    Today, on the way home, I asked my friend if she thought she was intelligent. She said average; I disagreed. Although grades are not a way to judge a person's intelligence, she's amazing at maths and has an artistic flair. (ugh the bitch) (surely mathematical ability will prove logical intelligence?) I said I had no idea how to judge my own intelligence, since I may never gain another perspective, or consciousness to screen an objective (though humans are never objective) judgement by.

    I went on to tell her that I imagine i appear a lot more stupid than I actually am; when I tried to go on to explain how outward expression is not always inherent - oftentimes learned, that is - and how expression is a big part of what we judge someone's intelligence by, I got stuck. I kept repeating "like..." And waving my hands around like i was swatting a swarm of bloody flies.

    But it was like there was no train of thought to go down. I felt pressurized by the lack of explanation, and I had no thought but "!!!" And when I left, then the thoughts came. I was grasping at straws - admittedly because I was panicking a little - anf it annoys me.

    Because although I'm not that intelligent (which I scold myself for every day) I seem even less so because I trip over both feet and words. I'm sure I seem like an absolute idiot to my friends, because I can never explain.

    And it still drives me insane how i may never objectively analyse my own intelligence. It also is peculiar to me that I rarely impose the same standards unto others as I do unto myself. This may be a case of self-deprecation (which I'm known for) which case my case for a low intelligence is essentially made redundant. But is it?

    I can ramble. I can't do anything else. My mathematical ability is average...in fact, that's what I am. Average. And i irrationally hate it, because I want to know everything and experience everything and connect with others properly.

    so yes...I'm venting the frustrations of being less-than-satisfactory. I can't talk, I can barely walk (my co-ordination is lush) I'm sure i appear stupid to those who know me, and I dont fit my own standards.

    Ugh, I feel like I'm consistently having some sort of brain-lapse.

    I guess you could say I'm looking for reassurance or someone/something to relate to; someone who feels their own frustrations and who can't bloody talk unless in a debate.

    To paraphrase Macbeth, I feel brain-sickly. Adolescence has driven me to feel, sometimes, like a nuisance to myself. my friends love me, and I love them...I just want to be, I dunno...better? Honest? If they can only see a little of me then what's the use?

    I, of course, must therefore assume that I see only a little of them. They're better at venting though. I sit and listen.

    *headdesk*

  2. #2
    i love skylights's Avatar
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    If it's any consolation, my perspective is that I don't really believe in some singular measure of "intelligence". There's that quote from Einstein that goes - "Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid." Certainly there are some distinct types of ability, and those can be measured to some degree, but the idea of a singular ranking of "smartness" seems so simplistic to the point of useless to me. And ultimately... overall "intelligence" may not really matter much in terms of one's ability to have a good life.

    I'm sure that it must be so frustrating to feel that you can't properly get out what's inside... for what it's worth, I can't talk while in a debate! So stressful. It takes me forever to write a post on here, too. I tend to think in pictures and big fuzzy concept-feelings and sometimes I have to sit and write and rewrite for quite a while before what I'm writing gets near enough to what's in my head and my heart. I'm that kid who's always the last one in the classroom on the essay tests, lol.

    Have you ever considered that you may have a speech-related output processing disorder? My brother has dysgraphia, which impairs his writing, both the physical act and the ability to string sentences together fluidly. When he was little it took him forever to start reading and we were worried about him. Once they diagnosed him, he started going to OT, which helped him catch up in school - and then we found him reading technical magazines, and discovered that he's extremely clear and concise in scientific writing. He still hates English but he wrote such a good Bio paper that the teacher is working on getting it published, and he's got his eyes set on med school. So... he just had to find the right external match for the way his brain is wired. You might want to consider going to a Speech-Language Pathologist. Disorder or not, they could probably help you work on strategies for articulating yourself better in the moment.

    Chin up, Moon. We're all our own greatest nuisances in the end; myself and my coworkers were discussing that very fact yesterday. You articulated your feelings well in writing here. You already sound like a caring friend and observant in your thoughts on expression. I think part of adolescence is feeling anger and sadness at the world for not being better, including oneself and one's characteristics, and feeling like you don't fit in. Keep explaining to your friends that you feel this way and they'll give you longer to think and understand that you need more time to get your ideas out. Try different media - writing seems to have worked well for you here. And focus on what you love and what makes you happy, because ultimately that's going to make far more of a difference in your life than any measure of your intelligence.

  3. #3
    Senior Member MetalMoon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by skylights View Post
    If it's any consolation, my perspective is that I don't really believe in some singular measure of "intelligence". There's that quote from Einstein that goes - "Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid." Certainly there are some distinct types of ability, and those can be measured to some degree, but the idea of a singular ranking of "smartness" seems so simplistic to the point of useless to me. And ultimately... overall "intelligence" may not really matter much in terms of one's ability to have a good life.
    I know, and I realise this. Logic tells me this...I can't tell myself this! I don't even know where these standards to have such ability (wow such ability much intelligence wow) came from or why i seem to mostly subconsciously subscribe to them, but gahh. For what it's worth, happiness is more important to me than much else, but happiness in my mind is synonymous with the freedom and ability to learn and explore. Perhaps this is why I'm getting so down: if I feel like i cannot learn all I want to learn, how can I be content? Objective analysis would seem to do no good even in this situation, as goals aren't always fixed and are most often flexible. I don't know....I need an early night

    Quote Originally Posted by skylights View Post
    I'm sure that it must be so frustrating to feel that you can't properly get out what's inside... for what it's worth, I can't talk while in a debate! So stressful. It takes me forever to write a post on here, too. I tend to think in pictures and big fuzzy concept-feelings and sometimes I have to sit and write and rewrite for quite a while before what I'm writing gets near enough to what's in my head and my heart. I'm that kid who's always the last one in the classroom on the essay tests, lol.
    On the contrary, I'm normally the first though that may mean I skip out on details..while writing it seems as if there is one large road to follow, but there are always little shortcuts and sidewalks and diversions...I digress a lot, but I normally seem to have the big picture in my mind; there just always seems to be more than one way to word something in particular, yet I follow the one that sounds best in that present moment...mostly. Hence why my writing jumps all over. I talk a little like this, too, with clarity of mind: always adding in comments when I deem necessary; I interrupt myself. :P

    Perhaps you're Ni? And the way you just instinctively understand something is so internally dynamic that it doesn't seem right externally replicated? (Not too sure if this is a factor of Ni, though I've heard that those with strong Ni refer to their thought process as "dream landscapes" it sounds...amazing)

    Quote Originally Posted by skylights View Post
    Have you ever considered that you may have a speech-related output processing disorder? My brother has dysgraphia, which impairs his writing, both the physical act and the ability to string sentences together fluidly. When he was little it took him forever to start reading and we were worried about him. Once they diagnosed him, he started going to OT, which helped him catch up in school - and then we found him reading technical magazines, and discovered that he's extremely clear and concise in scientific writing. He still hates English but he wrote such a good Bio paper that the teacher is working on getting it published, and he's got his eyes set on med school. So... he just had to find the right external match for the way his brain is wired. You might want to consider going to a Speech-Language Pathologist. Disorder or not, they could probably help you work on strategies for articulating yourself better in the moment.
    I don't think I have a disorder; I seem to be able to talk fine in none-personal thoughts and relationships. Given an external topic and asked to explain opinions; or given a concept and asked to talk about it, I'm pretty...OK. Not as good as if I were to sit down and write an essay on it; but better than trying to explain something I think or have been trying to contemplate. Also, English and Bio are two of my favourite subjects...coincidental

    It may serve problematic in the future, though, and if it got me that frustrated it may be worthwhile :P cheers

    Quote Originally Posted by skylights View Post
    Chin up, Moon. We're all our own greatest nuisances in the end; myself and my coworkers were discussing that very fact yesterday. You articulated your feelings well in writing here. You already sound like a caring friend and observant in your thoughts on expression. I think part of adolescence is feeling anger and sadness at the world for not being better, including oneself and one's characteristics, and feeling like you don't fit in. Keep explaining to your friends that you feel this way and they'll give you longer to think and understand that you need more time to get your ideas out. Try different media - writing seems to have worked well for you here. And focus on what you love and what makes you happy, because ultimately that's going to make far more of a difference in your life than any measure of your intelligence.
    Thank you, skylights I've always had a problem asking for help in real life, too, and showing most signs of insecurity...I have to learn to get over it, though, because that's what friends are for :3


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