Unfortunately for some, I am able to actually physically talk. However...OK, this thread is just going to be me venting my intellectual frustrations:
My internal thoughts are rarely translated properly into words. Can anyone relate? When trying to express myself, or even exhibit a small shred of intelligence and awareness, I fail.
Today, on the way home, I asked my friend if she thought she was intelligent. She said average; I disagreed. Although grades are not a way to judge a person's intelligence, she's amazing at maths and has an artistic flair. (ugh the bitch) (surely mathematical ability will prove logical intelligence?) I said I had no idea how to judge my own intelligence, since I may never gain another perspective, or consciousness to screen an objective (though humans are never objective) judgement by.
I went on to tell her that I imagine i appear a lot more stupid than I actually am; when I tried to go on to explain how outward expression is not always inherent - oftentimes learned, that is - and how expression is a big part of what we judge someone's intelligence by, I got stuck. I kept repeating "like..." And waving my hands around like i was swatting a swarm of bloody flies.
But it was like there was no train of thought to go down. I felt pressurized by the lack of explanation, and I had no thought but "!!!" And when I left, then the thoughts came. I was grasping at straws - admittedly because I was panicking a little - anf it annoys me.
Because although I'm not that intelligent (which I scold myself for every day) I seem even less so because I trip over both feet and words. I'm sure I seem like an absolute idiot to my friends, because I can never explain.
And it still drives me insane how i may never objectively analyse my own intelligence. It also is peculiar to me that I rarely impose the same standards unto others as I do unto myself. This may be a case of self-deprecation (which I'm known for) which case my case for a low intelligence is essentially made redundant. But is it?
I can ramble. I can't do anything else. My mathematical ability is average...in fact, that's what I am. Average. And i irrationally hate it, because I want to know everything and experience everything and connect with others properly.
so yes...I'm venting the frustrations of being less-than-satisfactory. I can't talk, I can barely walk (my co-ordination is lush) I'm sure i appear stupid to those who know me, and I dont fit my own standards.
Ugh, I feel like I'm consistently having some sort of brain-lapse.
I guess you could say I'm looking for reassurance or someone/something to relate to; someone who feels their own frustrations and who can't bloody talk unless in a debate.
To paraphrase Macbeth, I feel brain-sickly. Adolescence has driven me to feel, sometimes, like a nuisance to myself. my friends love me, and I love them...I just want to be, I dunno...better? Honest? If they can only see a little of me then what's the use?
I, of course, must therefore assume that I see only a little of them. They're better at venting though. I sit and listen.