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  1. #1
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    Default Some advice from an INFJ would be nice.

    Hey guys. Sorry to bother you but --

    You see there's this INFJ girl that I used to be (relatively) close to. We were classmates for two years and we only really got close in the latter half of the year. We chatted everyday for a month or so and I think she enjoyed talking to me. I, however, realizing that I was starting to like her -- started to lose my easy ENFP "charm" (if you could call it that for lack of a better descriptor) and started being all awkward around her. Things began to go downhill and I think I wore her down with my neediness.

    So we didn't talk for like a few weeks or so before she responded to an email that I sent out a long time ago and talked about serious stuff -- while adding a "How are you?" and talking about how she has been for the past few weeks (stressed out and all that over the exams) and it really made my day. In the time spent away from her, I started to lose the enormous attachment that I have of her (seriously I would wake up in the middle of the night and fear that she disliked me, even as a friend) and things began going well again.

    I teased her and she reciprocated. We had this easy friendship going on and it was really so comfortable. And she started letting her hair down with me and spamming me through texts (which was previously only what I did to her) and I really liked it.

    And guess what -- the cycle repeated itself. I, in a fit of Ne-Fi induced stream of consciousness, sent something insensitive like calling her "insane" and "overtly paranoid" (it was meant to be a joke but I think my unconsciously insensitive side came across) and she started being distant to me yet again. I asked another INFJ and she said that she could have put up her defenses once again to shield herself from the hurt.

    And I felt really bad about it and stopped talking to her for another few weeks until prom night. I was sitting around her and being awkward -- I don't know how I'm supposed to deal with her but yet I wanted so badly to make things right and to be good friends again -- and eventually plucked up the courage, when everyone else were gyrating like madmen on the dance floor, to ask her outside to take a nice commemorative photo of our time together. And she smiled in that beautiful way and agreed without a second thought.

    I don't know if she's still mad (or if she's mad in the first place she refused to talk about it when it happened) and some of my friends think I'm overthinking but I really don't think I am. And I'm scared of texting her again because I don't want this volatile cycle to repeat itself over and over and over again... causing me a lot of grief and heartbreak.

    I want to be friends (and hopefully hopefully in the future maybe something more) and yet I'm scared of talking to her. I'm scared of myself and of what mean things I can unconsciously say. I'm scared that she'll hate me and not want to be friends with me any longer. And I won't see her anymore since she's heading abroad to study and that our time as classmates (and maybe even friends) has ended. I was never really in her clique, after all, and asking her out to hang out would be weird.

    What should I do now? Should I take the plunge and initiate engagements yet again (knowing how passive she is I'll probably have to wait 500000000 years for her to initiate another mail)? Should I just treasure the beautiful friendship that we had and move on?

    I know, deep down, I really want to talk to her.

  2. #2
    ndovjtjcaqidthi
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    If she likes you, or wants to be your friend, she'll let you know. You can always ask her what she thinks, don't be shy.

    It's also very possible that her defenses did go back up, or she might have lost interest, too.

  3. #3
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    Hahaha I think I did once before. She sent a text saying that I was really open-minded and tolerant of different opinions and that she enjoyed our wonderfully random conversations. When I asked her if she meant what she said (in a joking manner like whoa I never knew I was so awesome), she was like "I COULD JUST BE POLITE HAHA" and then refused to say anything more on that subject.

    But that was before I said all the insensitive drivel UGH.

    She mentioned that she felt really lazy and tired after the national exams though so it could be just that. She tells me that socializing takes up a lot of her energy and so she can only really talk properly for a bit.

    But I think it's possible that I might have to slowly ease her out of her shell again. I hope I can do that though... Knowing how awkward I am around her now it could be kinda difficult.

  4. #4
    ndovjtjcaqidthi
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    Quote Originally Posted by Steer2Justice View Post
    She mentioned that she felt really lazy and tired after the national exams though so it could be just that. She tells me that socializing takes up a lot of her energy and so she can only really talk properly for a bit.
    Do you know what introversion is? I'm an introvert and I can socialize for hours on end without "losing energy", given that I am comfortable with, or interested in the person I'm socializing with. In other words, I allow them into "my bubble".

    Sorry to break it to you, but if an introvert tells you that they get sapped from talking to you, it means that they're not comfortable with you or that they don't really find you interesting.

    But I think it's possible that I might have to slowly ease her out of her shell again. I hope I can do that though... Knowing how awkward I am around her now it could be kinda difficult.
    You can try, but please don't get your hopes up.

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by Saudade View Post
    Do you know what introversion is? I'm an introvert and I can socialize for hours on end without "losing energy", given that I am comfortable with, or interested in the person I'm socializing with. In other words, I allow them into "my bubble".

    Sorry to break it to you, but if an introvert tells you that they get sapped from talking to you, it means that they're not comfortable with you or that they don't really find you interesting.



    You can try, but please don't get your hopes up.
    Ah...

    Thanks for your honesty. I guess I probably should have saw this coming. I won't deny that I was saddened (or more like crushed) by this response but at the same time it's good to know. Nonetheless, regardless of what she thinks of me, I know that on my end I really enjoyed her company and that she was a really wise person -- and I'll move on with that knowledge in mind.

  6. #6
    Senior Member two cents's Avatar
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    Um, she didn't say she talking to you made her tired, did she? Exams can do that to introverts and extroverts alike, and it's not about you. Also, I'm an introvert, and sometimes I do really enjoy someone's company but still feel tired after a really intense conversation. It doesn't have to be bad, just intense.

    What I'm having a difficult time with is why you haven't asked her out yet. Seriously, how long do you plan on gradually getting closer before you might be ready to "go to the next step"? If she is interested in you (which she could be, I didn't see anything in what you said that ruled that out), she'll get bored and move on eventually. If she's not interested, well, she'll let you know, and you can stop all this hot-cold ruminating on every little thing she did and said. Just because she's an INFJ doesn't mean other INFJs can read her mind at a distance. Instead of asking other INFJs, you need to ask her how she feels, and only then will you actually know.
    And that's my two cents on the subject.

  7. #7
    Senior Member Hypatia's Avatar
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    Default

    ^ Is reading your mind right now.

  8. #8
    Parody Parrot meowington's Avatar
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    my 2 cents : instead of texting her, emailing her and what not + instead of posting your fears and dilemma's on an internet forum : you should tell her how you feel. you're both feelers after all. If she's interested in the first place it will work. If not you can move on. Besides, from what you wrote, I think the odds are in your favor.

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