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  1. #1
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    Default INFJs and Holding Grudges

    Is this a thing that INFJs do? I find myself doing this regularly.


    After there is an apology, I try to move on from whomever I hold the grudge with, but I remember what they did. It's kind of like a criminal docket. Your rap sheet will always have your offense, it's just a matter of how apologetic you are that will decide how much I care about your offense next time you want me to bail you out.

    Is this an INFJ thing, a young INFJ thing, or just a me thing?

  2. #2
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    To me, it's silly to dismiss past behavior. It's the best predictor of future behavior. I care more about future behavior than feelings of remorse or apologies. How I feel about a person is going to be influenced by their behavior. It adds up one way or another.

    And sometimes, something isn't hugely bad or anything, I just don't feel like it's something I can deal with because I've got my own crap going on and I have to prioritize.

    There are some things people can do that make me immediately write them off. Sometimes the first time or sometimes it's the straw that broke the camel's back. It will generally be something that is, to me, very telling about their character in a bad way.

    If I understand how and why something happened and what steps the person is taking to prevent the same thing from happening in the future and the plan seems realistic, that helps me a lot.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    To me, it's silly to dismiss past behavior. It's the best predictor of future behavior. I care more about future behavior than feelings of remorse or apologies. How I feel about a person is going to be influenced by their behavior. It adds up one way or another.

    And sometimes, something isn't hugely bad or anything, I just don't feel like it's something I can deal with because I've got my own crap going on and I have to prioritize.

    There are some things people can do that make me immediately write them off. Sometimes the first time or sometimes it's the straw that broke the camel's back. It will generally be something that is, to me, very telling about their character in a bad way.

    If I understand how and why something happened and what steps the person is taking to prevent the same thing from happening in the future and the plan seems realistic, that helps me a lot.
    Yeah, I agree with this. We are all human, we all make mistakes, even if they are at the expense of others.

    I think if a person learns from their mistakes and wants to make sure it never happens again, they almost DESERVE forgiveness. I have verbally forgiven people before that, in my heart, I thought "there is NO coming back from this."

    My current grudge is against friends from college. Will talk about it later.

  4. #4
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    I don't think I hold grudges, but if trust has been broken, it's going to take awhile to regain (if ever).

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    They seem to be able to hold grudges (though not as much as other types), but a better word is projection. They project past behaviour onto other people. But then again, their beliefs or what they think don't always come to light as they can get pushed around and forced into doing something other than what they really want to.

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    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    I wouldn't say that I project past behaviours onto other people, unless it seems like a more universal trend. I do admit that I project past behaviours onto the same people who engaged in those behaviours earlier, but that only seems prudent to me until there is a well-established track record suggesting that I am working with outdated information. I am reluctant to take a firm stand against anything until I am sure I have examined something from all angles and have noticed a reoccurring pattern or have dug down to the root cause of certain behaviours. In that sense, I can be manipulated, particularly by someone in my inner circle, until I am sure that I'm not seeing things incorrectly. Then it is very difficult to continue manipulating me. Overall, I dislike emotional surprises, and so do my best to avoid putting myself into a situation where that is a regular or likely occurrence.

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    Senior Member two cents's Avatar
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    I don't think what you describe is necessarily about holding grudges. Apologies are cheap. While some people find it difficult to apologize, others throw apologies around easily and find them non-binding (and continue to engage in the offending behavior anyway).

    An apology in no way wipes the slate clean on bad behavior. To begin with, you are not obligated to accept one, or to deal with the person who hurt/offended you simply because they apologized. If you think their offense was bad enough, you don't actually have to give them another chance (and another chance to fuck up). As has been already pointed out, this is a matter of trust: misbehavior breaks trust. Sincere remorse might persuade you to give the person another chance, but they would still have to re-gain your trust through actions, not words. Being on the lookout for further bad behavior doesn't mean you are holding a grudge, it means you are responding to having had your trust broken. Consider what doing the opposite of that might mean: if you simply accepted all apologies and acted as if nothing happened, you would be inviting people to continually behave badly toward you with no consequences. Granted, some people might really mean their apology and really change their behavior, but there's no guarantee of that, and if you weren't keeping track and holding them accountable for their actions toward you then what stops anyone from abusing/taking advantage of you?
    And that's my two cents on the subject.

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    Senior Member autumnandtherain's Avatar
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    I really cannot hold grudges. I do "project" past behaviors onto people, I suppose, but I don't really hold grudges. I may not ever completely trust them again, but I'm not usually still angry with them, etc.

  9. #9
    Member ameeker's Avatar
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    Yes! If I'm angry, I will bring up every single thing that person has ever done that I didn't like. I can be pretty harsh.

  10. #10
    Senior Member Ene's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    I don't think I hold grudges, but if trust has been broken, it's going to take awhile to regain (if ever).
    I agree. To me a grudge is a bitter resentment with an emotional attachment; I am a forgiving person in that I am usually able to let go of the bitter resentment, but that does not mean I will allow myself to fall for the same mistreatment twice and it does not mean that I won't hold them accountable.
    A student said to his master: "You teach me fighting, but you talk about peace. How do you reconcile the two?" The master replied: "It is better to be a warrior in a garden than to be a gardener in a war." - unknown/Chinese

    http://www.typologycentral.com/forum...=61024&page=14

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