[INFJ] Do INFJ's Ever Revisit Relationships?

[CandyCane11]

I started to type out some details from my situation with my ex, but I guess I'll just ask the basic question in the title for now. My ex and I are in sort of a peaceful place and in occasional contact at the moment. But despite time and other relationships, I still love him deep down.

He has pushed me away at times but also made more contact and effort with me after I backed off emotionally. He made it clear in the past that we should move on, but I do wonder if he'd ever change his mind.

 

[idkman24]

I am an INFJ, and very young, so I'm speaking with only a few relationships in my belt.

Most of my relationships went awry and bad. I did not have any romantic interest in the girls once the relationship was over. That was that.

I hear that when an INFJ has made his mind up about you, that's that. HOWEVER, I think if I REALLY liked someone and it was just a matter of bad timing or something of that nature, I could definitely rekindle the fire sometime down the road.

But overall? I'd say just move on. He probably won't come back. Maybe, if things ended well with you guys, but probably not. Not enough of a chance to lose sleep over wondering 'what if?'

With INFJs, I think it is hard for us to COMPLETELY forget someone that we had such strong feelings for. A part of an INFJ's heart will ALWAYS belong to a person like that. Even when an INFJ is happily married with a family, I think they will sometimes wonder "what if?" or "I wonder how she's doing?"

But generally, when an INFJ's mind is made up, that's that.

 

[ndovjtjcaqidthi]

If he "made it clear that you should move on", then I think it's over. But I mean, you're not giving me much to go on here. Don't get your hopes up though.

 

[cafe]

If he broke it off, he's probably done.

 

[cafe]

I make it a habit not to look back and I don't always have to feel like I've given a person or situation all possible chances. Life is too short and you have to work with the information that is available, even if it isn't always perfect or 100% accurate. I think INFJs can be pretty pragmatic and ruthless for NFs when it comes to relationships. Or I can, at least. Sometimes I feel a little sad, but I don't dwell on it. That way madness lies.

 

[CandyCane11]

I make it a habit not to look back and I don't always have to feel like I've given a person or situation all possible chances. Life is too short and you have to work with the information that is available, even if it isn't always perfect or 100% accurate. I think INFJs can be pretty pragmatic and ruthless for NFs when it comes to relationships. Or I can, at least. Sometimes I feel a little sad, but I don't dwell on it. That way madness lies.

Well, yes, that's very rational. I usually do the same thing...even down to not necessarily giving someone all possible chances. But I resolve one way or another and move forward. Somehow, with this situation, something is different.

 

[Ene]

Well, yes, that's very rational. I usually do the same thing...even down to not necessarily giving someone all possible chances. But I resolve one way or another and move forward. Somehow, with this situation, something is different, or my normal NT process isn't working.

Hey, just a quick chime in here, [MENTION]café[/MENTION] is likely right about this. If I move on it doesn't mean I no longer care for that person as an individual or want the best for them, but it does mean it will never be what it was and I'm not going back there. I can't speak for every INFJ but I can say that when I close the door on something and walk away, the door remains closed, no matter how politely I may respond to a knock. So, if he found the strength to say he was moving on, then he probably did.

 

[Honor]

I make it a habit not to look back and I don't always have to feel like I've given a person or situation all possible chances. Life is too short and you have to work with the information that is available, even if it isn't always perfect or 100% accurate. I think INFJs can be pretty pragmatic and ruthless for NFs when it comes to relationships. Or I can, at least. Sometimes I feel a little sad, but I don't dwell on it. That way madness lies.

This is quite wise, cafe. As usual

 

[Honor]

I started to type out some details from my situation with my ex, but I guess I'll just ask the basic question in the title for now. My ex and I are in sort of a peaceful place and in occasional contact at the moment. But despite time and other relationships, I still love him deep down.

He has pushed me away at times but also made more contact and effort with me after I backed off emotionally. He made it clear in the past that we should move on, but I do wonder if he'd ever change his mind.

That uncertainty is going to drive you crazy even if you try to move on. Ask him if he thinks there could be a future for the two of you. If he says no, then you can move on in peace. Or at least, that's what I would do. Not knowing is the worst.

 

[Fidelia]

It really depends on whether his feelings are still unresolved (and you were giving him no space, so he needed to insist on some) or whether he has closed the door on the relationship (in which case, he will be nice but not interested in ever rekindling something). I think because it takes a lot to get to the latter point, once I am there, I would never consider going back. On the other hand, I have had people I've pined for after we've went our separate ways, more because there were unresolved questions that I needed answers for and the other person wasn't willing to talk. In those cases, it just takes a long time for my feelings to cool off to the point where it no longer matters one way or the other. I think that once I have the answers I need to make sense of the situation, I am quite decisive and not much of a piner.

I do wonder about the being friends thing. It is possible that the INFJ doesn't want to slam the door shut just yet, but of course, I have no way of knowing what the dynamics between you were like.

 

[PuddleRiver]

I make it a habit not to look back and I don't always have to feel like I've given a person or situation all possible chances. Life is too short and you have to work with the information that is available, even if it isn't always perfect or 100% accurate. I think INFJs can be pretty pragmatic and ruthless for NFs when it comes to relationships. Or I can, at least. Sometimes I feel a little sad, but I don't dwell on it. That way madness lies.

This is me, pretty much. I used to be the one to leave no stone unturned; not anymore. no way, uh-uh.

 

[Forever]

If he "made it clear that you should move on", then I think it's over. But I mean, you're not giving me much to go on here. Don't get your hopes up though.

If he broke it off, he's probably done.

Hey, just a quick chime in here, [MENTION]café[/MENTION] is likely right about this. If I move on it doesn't mean I no longer care for that person as an individual or want the best for them, but it does mean it will never be what it was and I'm not going back there. I can't speak for every INFJ but I can say that when I close the door on something and walk away, the door remains closed, no matter how politely I may respond to a knock. So, if he found the strength to say he was moving on, then he probably did.

I did the same to my formers.

 

[violaine]

It takes a lot for me to break up with someone. I don't date or break up lightly. I have tried again in two relationships. The issues that spurred the break ups had not been resolved to my satisfaction, for want of a better description. Neither relationship reignited. When I write tried again, I mean we started communicating again, going out on dates again. It didn't get any further than that. I tried again mostly so that my partners could have some closure as I felt a bit guilty that my feelings had changed, (though for good reasons). I was hoping I would have a change of heart, though never have. I wouldn't do that again. I am always genuinely ecstatic whenever an ex I am over starts dating someone new.

 

[Evo]

[MENTION=20317]CandyCane11[/MENTION] I have been in a relationship with an INFJ and it's been 8 years since that relationship ended and the door's not opening back up. We have just recently started talking again too. But that means nothing. I wouldn't get your hopes up. I really think it's an Ni dom thing, they see the patterns and don't look back once there's a cut off. At least in my experience.

What I would like to know is if the infj that I was with will ever want to talk about why it ended. I think the "quick and ruthless NJ cut person out of your life thing" leaves me hurt and with not enough closure (even though I am guilty of doing this myself, being Ni aux an all...contradicting, I know.)

I know something that an isfp told me once that helped me get over that relationship more, was that it couldn't have been that strong of a relationship for someone to just end it because of one thing you did or said. So I found relief in that and look forward to a stronger relationship with my future partner.

 

[Doctor Cringelord]

I think INFJs can be pretty pragmatic and ruthless for NFs when it comes to relationships.

The only time I ever revisited a relationship was to rekindle a flame with the woman I am now married to. Things had gotten in our way and we sort of drifted apart the first time around, but I always knew that (if there really is such a thing as the one) she was it.

In every other relationship, I was kind of a dick. Not really, but I was usually the one to break things off. Whether it was 2 weeks or 2 years, I would reach a point where I saw things going nowhere. It caused me to break quite a few hearts, but I'd rather let someone down that way then to string them along when my heart was simply not in the endeavour anymore. A couple of girls have tried to recontact me over the years and were still hung up on me apparently, but I politely told them I had found my love and that there were men better suited for them than I (I know that seems completely lame, but I meant it sincerely).

 

[Z Buck McFate]

But generally, when an INFJ's mind is made up, that's that.

I mostly agree with this. The thing is, it's based almost entirely on experiential data. I never get back together with someone (regardless of the relationship- romantic or otherwise) based on something they say.

I think in this way INFJs (and really, INJs) can frustrate the bejeezus out of people. We close doors/pigeonhole people and that status is actually far more malleable than most people give us credit for- it's just that it changes according to experiential data instead of direct discussion (a lot of people want the instant gratuity of being able to talk about it and to walk away from the discussion with the relationship being somehow different). The reason it's usually final is because people rarely actually change- not because our internal ruling is final, per se. If our periphery vision picks up on someone doing something differently, we do notice and adjust their 'status' (according to our internal framework) accordingly.

I may not even consciously realize what the problem is with a person, but distance can grow because I 'sense' some problem with the interpersonal dynamic. In fact, it's often so vague that sometimes I'll distance myself a bit while keeping people close in my periphery vision just so that I can notice if 'the problem' changes....even if I can't effectively articulate it enough to be more direct about it. <- That *might* be what's going on with the guy in the op. If that's the case, chances are it really is a done deal.

eta: As an aside, when I read the title to this thread I lol'ed a bit- because so many of my relationships to people stay vague (as just described in that last paragraph) and there aren't many strong relationships that I truly stop EVER revisiting, in a way. I'm still digesting information from highschool relationships- over twenty years ago.

 

[Doctor Cringelord]

My condolences that you've had to suffer through this, CandyCane. For his part, he needs to try to be more clear about exactly what he wants.

 

[CandyCane11]

The only time I ever revisited a relationship was to rekindle a flame with the woman I am now married to. Things had gotten in our way and we sort of drifted apart the first time around, but I always knew that (if there really is such a thing as the one) she was it.

In every other relationship, I was kind of a dick. Not really, but I was usually the one to break things off. Whether it was 2 weeks or 2 years, I would reach a point where I saw things going nowhere. It caused me to break quite a few hearts, but I'd rather let someone down that way then to string them along when my heart was simply not in the endeavour anymore. A couple of girls have tried to recontact me over the years and were still hung up on me apparently, but I politely told them I had found my love and that there were men better suited for them than I (I know that seems completely lame, but I meant it sincerely).

Looks like you went back for the right one! That's cute. My ex called me "The One."

I operate the same way you do, so it makes sense. Once I know, I know, and I don't let it go forward. With him, I got the sense that I overwhelmed him emotionally (he didn't think I would marry him...long story) around the time of the breakup.

Anyway, I have rehashed that a million times, and I don't wish to do that again. I know he thought at one point that we'd be spending the rest of our lives together, and that feeling still pops up for me occasionally, so I just wondered if it would with him...at least enough for him to wonder if it'd be worth it to try again.

 

[CandyCane11]

My condolences that you've had to suffer through this, CandyCane. For his part, he needs to try to be more clear about exactly what he wants.

At this point, he wants to be friends. He has been clear on that...at least right now.

Oh, and thank you! It's been a difficult time, but I've slowly gotten through it.

 

[Honor]

This is what I did right after the breakup, and he told me the door was open. He never told me otherwise for a couple months, and then he was suddenly seeing someone...and then that turned into a couple of people. lol. I won't ever ask him again. To be honest, his words after he started seeing someone weren't the most positive. So I worked towards moving on and started seeing other people. It's when those haven't panned out that I have ended up missing him.

In that case, it sounds like you don't really want to be with him but that you're feeling the void of not having the right guy around. That's good news - it means you are free to move on. Forget this guy. Your best friend and soulmate is out there waiting for you