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  1. #31
    philosopher wood nymph greenfairy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Z Buck McFate View Post
    I think in this way INFJs (and really, INJs) can frustrate the bejeezus out of people. We close doors/pigeonhole people and that status is actually far more malleable than most people give us credit for- it's just that it changes according to experiential data instead of direct discussion (a lot of people want the instant gratuity of being able to talk about it and to walk away from the discussion with the relationship being somehow different). The reason it's usually final is because people rarely actually change- not because our internal ruling is final, per se. If our periphery vision picks up on someone doing something differently, we do notice and adjust their 'status' (according to our internal framework) accordingly.
    This is mostly true for me. If I end a relationship (either friendship or romantic or somewhere in between) I do it for rational reasons, aided by Ni. I determine whether or not we have a healthy dynamic and are good for each other, and how I feel about our interaction. Then I determine whether these problems can be solve, and attempt to solve them. If they appear unsolvable I move on. It doesn't make sense to go back unless the person changes fundamentally and drastically, but even so I will resent the fact that they weren't willing to work with me in the first place, and however else they treated me that I didn't like.

    I do like to talk about things, because I have an overwhelming need to make sense of everything. If someone explains their behavior in a way which makes sense to me, I may partially forgive them. This is what recently happened with my INTJ ex lover. I mostly was upset over the break up because I didn't understand; but now I can mostly see why he did what he did, and it's partially forgivable (assuming he's telling me the truth). I put importance in motivations behind actions (but they don't entirely excuse the actions themselves). If he wants to be friends again he'll have to earn my trust. I don't feel I can trust a person if they don't tell me the truth, and I can't know if they are telling me the truth if I don't understand what they say and it doesn't add up. He's with another woman now and I'm genuinely happy for them, but even if he wasn't I wouldn't want him back because I see now that we really aren't compatible. It would take a lot to convince me otherwise.

    Edit: I ended a friendship once because I realized that we literally have nothing in common and I don't enjoy our interaction. Even though she really liked me. I felt bad, but what can you do.

  2. #32
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    Greenfairy, your post is helpful.

    Do you think it's a INFJ thing to be secretive about motivations though? You said your tendency is to close a relationship for rational reasons aided by your Ni - is this a common INFJ trait? If so, is it like an INFJ to disclose reasons/motivations for ending a relationship, or do they usually just fade out of the picture without explanation (and sometimes "doorslam")?
    Had my INFJ guy been upfront and honest about his motives for breaking up in the first place, I would still have been hurt, but I really could understand and forgiveness would be so much easier.

    On second thought, maybe it's merely a human thing - not a type thing - to avoid disappointment and conflict, sometimes at all costs and often sacrificing the consideration of others. Just thinking out loud...

  3. #33

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    Quote Originally Posted by Ciaobella19 View Post
    On second thought, maybe it's merely a human thing - not a type thing - to avoid disappointment and conflict, sometimes at all costs and often sacrificing the consideration of others. Just thinking out loud...
    Agreed; I think it's more human nature sometimes to do this, whether out of laziness or a genuine, albeit misguided, belief that things will be easier if they aren't dealt with directly. That they might resolve themselves on their own.

    What is the INFJ "doorslam," by the way? I've heard it as being INFJ-specific, but I don't think it is. People come and go from our lives, depending on how they're supposed to affect us at that particular moment; and sometimes we just lose touch with them as time goes on and our personal circumstances change. That's the nature of human relationships in general. Lots of my old friends have done this over the years, but that's because they've all mostly married and had children and don't have a lot of time for their friendships of their single days. They look for friendships that have more relevance to their lives now. Anyways, enough about me.

  4. #34
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    Aspie - as I understand it, I read that the INFJ doorslam is something that happens pretty abruptly and without warning (as opposed to a gradual drifting apart due to time/circumstance). I believe it happens due to their Ni and Ti functions - this type of processing is a solitary/isolated method of decision making and as such, it can happen "beneath the surface", away from detection and obscurred beneath the INFJ layers of thought. This is just my amateur grasp of it though, and I could be wrong. I did research it a little because, well, it happened to me and left me completely flummoxed. I was trying to understand the mechanisms behind this tactic.
    Perhaps another INFJ could expound on this with greater eloquence, if it is indeed an INFJ tendency...

  5. #35
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ciaobella19 View Post
    Aspie - as I understand it, I read that the INFJ doorslam is something that happens pretty abruptly and without warning (as opposed to a gradual drifting apart due to time/circumstance). I believe it happens due to their Ni and Ti functions - this type of processing is a solitary/isolated method of decision making and as such, it can happen "beneath the surface", away from detection and obscurred beneath the INFJ layers of thought. This is just my amateur grasp of it though, and I could be wrong. I did research it a little because, well, it happened to me and left me completely flummoxed. I was trying to understand the mechanisms behind this tactic.
    Perhaps another INFJ could expound on this with greater eloquence, if it is indeed an INFJ tendency...
    I do a lot of thinking before I doorslam any people and only what is best for me. With one particular issue, I consulted with some people but all I got was "it's not good for you blah blah" while a girl (who wasn't a friend yet) said "do what's best for you, not what people think you should do". I felt a lot of burden lifted when I doorslam that person. In some way it helped me, but it's not the most healthiest way to work on something. Partially there was also a little drifting apart but doorslam consist of disrespecting me (Value, beliefs, who I am, etc) and you're an ass. Rarely do I say that I no longer what someone to be part of my life. That's why with my friends that I have now are still my friends.

  6. #36
    Senior Member _eric_'s Avatar
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    I don't know if I'd ever revisit a relationship. My experience isn't the same though, since I have never been the one to initiate the breakup, it was never what I wanted. But, at that point, the connection between us is broken, and I do not feel like it could ever be there again...though that could be at least somewhat dependent on how the girl breaks up with me. If it's something that destroys trust or makes what I did in my part of keeping the relationship going seem unimportant and not cared about (My first girlfriend even said she wished she had never been with me because we didn't end up getting married, and was very cold to me in general about the whole ordeal...), then there's no way I'll ever get back with her again. The bridge is burned, (again, not of my choosing, since I do everything I can to remain on good terms) and will never be rebuilt. I take no joy in the removal of people from my life, regardless of whether it is of my own initiative, or theirs...especially if we were very close.

  7. #37
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    Quote Originally Posted by CandyCane11 View Post
    I started to type out some details from my situation with my ex, but I guess I'll just ask the basic question in the title for now. My ex and I are in sort of a peaceful place and in occasional contact at the moment. But despite time and other relationships, I still love him deep down.

    He has pushed me away at times but also made more contact and effort with me after I backed off emotionally. He made it clear in the past that we should move on, but I do wonder if he'd ever change his mind.
    I would say it depends on why the breakup happened, but I know for me personally - in general - I don't hold grudges against people. It often takes some time away to regroup or get distance from the situation but, I can always respond favorably to others' reaching out to me. In some instances, I might store away that behavior/ tendency as something I don't particularly like about them but, I very rarely "write people off." Also, as others have mentioned, if I really cared for that person and trusted them in the past, then I would definitely at least reconsider and see how things go.

  8. #38
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    All of my exes are my friends. That makes it a little difficult when selecting a mate because whoever I choose has to be OK with that.

  9. #39
    Senior Member the state i am in's Avatar
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    many people, infjs included, don't know how to own their own feelings. they get too caught up in the ideas they have to recognize and acknowledge and sit with what they actually feel. this leads to a kind of discursive game, making arguments within oneself, etc, and takes away from the ability to empathize with themselves or with anyone else. meanwhile, anger, resentment, frustration, feeling like something is being taken away from you or that your autonomy is being constrained by another person, aids in dehumanizing the other person because it dehumanizes you and your actual, vulnerable emotions (and the needs underlying them).

    we can so easily fall into this trap too. we can be quite precocious with interpreting the meaning of something, the intentions that are distributed across culture and society, across personality types, across persons we know and their basic patterns. but the faith in ourselves to commit to our own truth dissipates with every whim and momentary shift in perspective if we are not aware of what we are actually feeling below the ideas that we use to express, organize, and select them. and that faith only comes from the urgency to become real that comes from dealing with our own suffering and the suffering of others that we in part have brought about.

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