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  1. #21

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    Quote Originally Posted by Honor View Post
    In that case, it sounds like you don't really want to be with him but that you're feeling the void of not having the right guy around. That's good news - it means you are free to move on. Forget this guy. Your best friend and soulmate is out there waiting for you
    this^

  2. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by Z Buck McFate View Post
    I mostly agree with this. The thing is, it's based almost entirely on experiential data. I never get back together with someone (regardless of the relationship- romantic or otherwise) based on something they say.

    I think in this way INFJs (and really, INJs) can frustrate the bejeezus out of people. We close doors/pigeonhole people and that status is actually far more malleable than most people give us credit for- it's just that it changes according to experiential data instead of direct discussion (a lot of people want the instant gratuity of being able to talk about it and to walk away from the discussion with the relationship being somehow different). The reason it's usually final is because people rarely actually change- not because our internal ruling is final, per se. If our periphery vision picks up on someone doing something differently, we do notice and adjust their 'status' (according to our internal framework) accordingly.

    I may not even consciously realize what the problem is with a person, but distance can grow because I 'sense' some problem with the interpersonal dynamic. In fact, it's often so vague that sometimes I'll distance myself a bit while keeping people close in my periphery vision just so that I can notice if 'the problem' changes....even if I can't effectively articulate it enough to be more direct about it. <- That *might* be what's going on with the guy in the op. If that's the case, chances are it really is a done deal.

    eta: As an aside, when I read the title to this thread I lol'ed a bit- because so many of my relationships to people stay vague (as just described in that last paragraph) and there aren't many strong relationships that I truly stop EVER revisiting, in a way. I'm still digesting information from highschool relationships- over twenty years ago.
    My ENTP crush and I have had a discussion about this. We both agreed that we "keep our eyes" on people that we don't think are relationship-ready, but may be in the future.

    Maybe because I'm only 23 and I tend to go for girls 20-24, I see it as VERY malleable. People grow up, and become less narcissistic and more humble. Also, I find that people in their 20s are filled with emotional issues. They still may have them in their 30s, but they are more adjusted and accepting of their own issues.

    My ENTP and I aren't going to happen pretty much because of her fearful-avoidant attachment. She has 3 guys she likes, and she loves that they avoid her, but she hates herself for liking guys that, pretty much, are dicks to her. She essentially told me she'd date me if she didn't have this issue and it would be unfair to me because she can't get over these 3 guys, even though she knows she should, and is doing everything she can to do so. This is, in a way, both mature AND immature.

    So, I think, age and time play a HUGE role in it. Some people, still, don't really have much of a chance to change. My ESFP ex, when we broke up, we basically told each other that the timing was bad, and we should reconnect in 5 years or so. Now, I want nothing to do with her because time has passed and, even at her peak in maturity and my peak in maturity, I don't think I agree with her lifestyle.

    So there are variables that are definitely put in play, but I think, ultimately, iNtuitives take a big picture approach to it. "Why would I spend any more time on this guy/girl when it's not working out? There are SO many other people in the world. S/he will find someone else, I'll find someone else, no point in wasting any more time on this "relationship" that may never reach an optimal state. NEXT!"

  3. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by idkman24 View Post
    So there are variables that are definitely put in play, but I think, ultimately, iNtuitives take a big picture approach to it. "Why would I spend any more time on this guy/girl when it's not working out? There are SO many other people in the world. S/he will find someone else, I'll find someone else, no point in wasting any more time on this "relationship" that may never reach an optimal state. NEXT!"
    I think as intuitives, we like to keep an open mind even about people, especially if we really care about someone or if someone did not do anything egregious. And regardless of age, there is always maturity after a relationship. Things always change.
    Last edited by CandyCane11; 12-03-2013 at 02:42 AM.

  4. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by CandyCane11 View Post
    Well, and this is sort of what I was asking. I'm not wondering what he is thinking right now or what he has thought in the past. When he started talking to me a lot more and went out of his way for me around a month ago, my intuition told me that he had let his guard down. And not that he was necessarily wanting a relationship but that he just wanted to see me and spend time with me. If that happened enough, would he ever reconsider?

    I think as intuitives, we like to keep an open mind even about people, especially if we really care about someone or if someone did not do anything egregious. And regardless of age, there is always maturity after a relationship. Things always change.
    I agree with everything up to the last two sentences.

    To explain, one of the ENTP's guys she likes IS an INFJ. She has told me (after I've told her that we aren't going to work out, of course) that he opens her like a book, and it appears that the two of them are INCREDIBLY close. They hang out all the time, and it's relationship-y minus the physical or the actual "relationship" label.

    She is just a friend to him, and this is where she is struggling. My mistake was letting her in. No challenge. Unfortunately, as a 21 year old girl, she prefers the challenge more so than the straightforward "I like you. Lets do something about this."

    I think you may be just a friend too, and he may have realized that you liked him a bit much, so to save both of you, he backed off.

    IDK if there is maturity after a relationship. A lot of people actually digress. I am not bragging when I say this, but my ex was at her best when she was dating me. Grades were up, she was happier, just everything was smoother. Then, she started cheating, and as our relationship declined, she declined. Now, post-relationship, she has been cited for possession of marijuana, underage drinking, is on probation at school (both disciplinary and academic), & apparently, she has gone from extremely social to a recluse.

    Some people don't have it in them to change with mutually exclusive "experience." It's actually years that, for a lot of people, allow them to mature. May have something to do with brain development.

  5. #25
    Member NKC's Avatar
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    Depends entirely on the relationship at hand.
    There'd be no method if there were no madness ...

  6. #26
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    Hey INFJs, I could really use some insight!

    I was with an INFJ guy around Christmas last year. He seemed to fall for me pretty quickly, though I took a little longer to open up. As quickly as it began, he suddenly and abruptly broke it off with me 9 months ago in the most hurtful way imaginable. I was completely blindsided. I forgave him as best as I could and I've healed a lot over the year and have done my best to move on.

    Then last week out of the blue, I get an email from him, telling me he hasn't been able to stop thinking about me, can't stop seeing my face everywhere, and has wanted to talk to me every day since he broke it off. He's tried to get over the relationship, but he can't. He's tried to make it work with another person, but it wasn't any use. He said the 4 months he spent with me was the best time of his entire life.

    From what I've read, INFJs do not have a problem moving on when they can't see a future in a relationship, and he made it abundantly clear that he did not want to be with me (even though he said he still cared). WHAT is going on here??? Is this just the behavior of a guilty conscience, or is he just wanting to be friends, or is he attempting to rekindle something???

    I am beyond confused! Help for an INFP???

    I'd be so grateful...

  7. #27
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ciaobella19 View Post
    Hey INFJs, I could really use some insight!

    I was with an INFJ guy around Christmas last year. He seemed to fall for me pretty quickly, though I took a little longer to open up. As quickly as it began, he suddenly and abruptly broke it off with me 9 months ago in the most hurtful way imaginable. I was completely blindsided. I forgave him as best as I could and I've healed a lot over the year and have done my best to move on.

    Then last week out of the blue, I get an email from him, telling me he hasn't been able to stop thinking about me, can't stop seeing my face everywhere, and has wanted to talk to me every day since he broke it off. He's tried to get over the relationship, but he can't. He's tried to make it work with another person, but it wasn't any use. He said the 4 months he spent with me was the best time of his entire life.

    From what I've read, INFJs do not have a problem moving on when they can't see a future in a relationship, and he made it abundantly clear that he did not want to be with me (even though he said he still cared). WHAT is going on here??? Is this just the behavior of a guilty conscience, or is he just wanting to be friends, or is he attempting to rekindle something???

    I am beyond confused! Help for an INFP???

    I'd be so grateful...
    God only knows.

    Was his reason (to your knowledge) for breaking it off stupid? He could have had some kind of logical thing he was trying to force himself into only to learn the hard way that it wasn't going to work. Sometimes what one wants and what one thinks one should want are two different things. But when people are in that position, they sometimes still can't let what they think they should want go.

    He could just want to get laid.

    He could be unstable or playing head games.

    I'd make sure his reasoning for wanting to be in contact with you makes sense to you, etc before getting too close to him again. Some people are just flakey and INFJs are no exception. I'm not flakey about my partner, but I can be flakey as hell about almost anything else.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  8. #28
    can't handcuff the wind Z Buck McFate's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    He could be unstable or playing head games.

    I'd make sure his reasoning for wanting to be in contact with you make sense to you, etc before getting too close to him again. Some people are just flakey and INFJs are no exception. I'm not flakey about my partner, but I can be flakey as hell about almost anything else.
    Yeah, this.

    If he broke up "in the most hurtful way imaginable" and hasn't owned up to it- it sounds like he's trying to get your attention instead with fresh schmoozing ("can't stop thinking about you")- I'd be wary. Even if he'll only own up to it reluctantly (making excuses for why he did it, instead of owning up to the extent that he shouldn't have done it), I'd still be wary. INFJs can be just as flaky/irresponsible as anyone else, and people who can be hurtful without feeling much remorse shouldn't be trusted. Whether they intended to cause hurt or not- people with a healthy conscious will care if/when they inadvertently hurt others they truly care about, regardless.
    Last edited by Z Buck McFate; 11-28-2013 at 11:57 PM. Reason: grammar
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  9. #29
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    Thank you for your input. And yes, I am very much on my guard.

    This particular INFJ guy called me a couple days ago, and here was his reason for breaking it off: "I felt the relationship trajectory was going straight up like a rocket, and I just felt completely terrified. I didn't feel that I could be the man you wanted/needed me to be, so I put up a front - that of a complete jerk - to make the severing quick and not long and drawn out. (He basically ended it over something I had no control over and something he was aware of from the beginning of the relationship - a health issue. Suddenly I was reduced to nothing more than a disease in his eyes and a threat to his hypothetical progeny. Ironically, I went into remission in the spring. Hilarious. Oh, and he isn't aware of that bit of news.)

    He told me I was one of the few people he felt understood by and that I was a person he could trust. Intuitively, to a great degree, I know this is true. I never had to ask him how he was feeling - I already knew. I could be wrong, but here's my take on it: he has a very strong sense of right and wrong, and his conscience has been screaming at him for these past nine months. He hasn't been able to take responsibility for what he said - he feels too grieved and ashamed of himself. He knows he blew it in the hugest way. He's seeking forgiveness by contacting me, but he can't bring himself to actually say the words because he says what happened was too horrible for words and he doesn't want to relive it. He says he's tried to "bury" me and move on, but that he can't seem to do it. Earlier this year, he was in a relationship that was perfect for him on paper, but he missed the "shared experience" and friendship that he once knew.

    So, it could be that I'm dealing with nothing more than a guilty conscience. But he still talks to his mom about me, still sees my face everywhere, says the best time of his entire life was when he was with me, etc. etc. I know his greatest wish in life is to find love/be loved, but I do get the feeling that he doesn't see things as they really are. I don't think he saw/sees me as I really am. As an INFP, I can understand this proclivity as I tend to live in fantasy land too. It takes work to seperate reality from the dream, but in the end, it's always better to deal with life as it is.

    Forgiveness is what I want to give him - I think it will help him heal. I want him to forgive himself. It's taken me a long time to get here too, but forgiveness is difficult to give it when he won't ask for it.

    I think he's an unusually gifted man with extraordinary potential. And maybe someday, things could work out....but I know better than to wait around.

    Thanks to you all!

  10. #30
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    Thing is, I never made him feel like he had to be with me. It was always very open and free. If his reason for breaking up really was because of my health, that's perfectly legitimate. I told him this too - that is was ok. But why he felt the need to dismiss me as sub-human and of no consequence, I don't know.
    Reason I am saying all this is because I really don't believe it was because of my health - I think he just used it as a convenient exit.

    Cafe - "Sometimes what one wants and what one thinks one should want are two different things. But when people are in that position, they sometimes still can't let what they think they should want go." This really resonates with me. I think he likes the idea of me/what I bring to the table, but can't/won't let it go.

    I so love INFJs though. Their ability to communicate in ways where words are superfluous is unlike anything I've ever experienced before, and I feel lucky to know there are actually people on this earth with such capabilities!

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