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  1. #1
    The Dark Lord The Wailing Specter's Avatar
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    Default A little help getting over inner anxiety and pain?

    I feel like missed out on so many things in life while I lived under the mind control of the cult. I feel like I am stripped of identity. I spent my whole life expecting to never have to grow old, and suddenly knowing I will grow old and die bothers me. I have deep guilt for the pain I caused as a child by spreading hurtful philosophies. I spent my entire life being informed of the pain around me, and being told that by converting others, I could stop that pain. Now, I see the pain and know there is no solution, or at least a practical one. It seems like I spend my life in a manic-depressive series of mood swings, several per day. I have no idea where to go…

    Is there any way to regain the childhood I lost?
    Enneagram: 6w7 (phobic) > 2w1 > 9w1
    Alignment: Chaotic Neutral
    Holland Code: AIS
    Date of Birth: March 15, 1996
    Gender: Male
    Political Stance: Libertarian Liberal (Arizona School/Strong BHL)
    ATHEIST UNITARIAN UNIVERSALIST HUMANIST
    and
    SCIENCE ENTHUSIAST


    I say this as a reminder to myself, but this goes for everyone:

    You can achieve anything you set your mind to, and you are limited only by how dedicated you are to succeed!

    -Magic Qwan

  2. #2
    The Dark Lord The Wailing Specter's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Magic Qwan View Post
    I feel like missed out on so many things in life while I lived under the mind control of the cult. I feel like I am stripped of identity. I spent my whole life expecting to never have to grow old, and suddenly knowing I will grow old and die bothers me. I have deep guilt for the pain I caused as a child by spreading hurtful philosophies. I spent my entire life being informed of the pain around me, and being told that by converting others, I could stop that pain. Now, I see the pain and know there is no solution, or at least a practical one. It seems like I spend my life in a manic-depressive series of mood swings, several per day. I have no idea where to go…

    Is there any way to regain the childhood I lost?
    At any rate, I usually feel very cold and hopeless at my core, and I find it hard to truly free myself from negativity.

    The roads to happiness that I read about seem mostly intellectual points, so my emotions stay very raw. This rawness isn't without mood swings, though.
    Enneagram: 6w7 (phobic) > 2w1 > 9w1
    Alignment: Chaotic Neutral
    Holland Code: AIS
    Date of Birth: March 15, 1996
    Gender: Male
    Political Stance: Libertarian Liberal (Arizona School/Strong BHL)
    ATHEIST UNITARIAN UNIVERSALIST HUMANIST
    and
    SCIENCE ENTHUSIAST


    I say this as a reminder to myself, but this goes for everyone:

    You can achieve anything you set your mind to, and you are limited only by how dedicated you are to succeed!

    -Magic Qwan

  3. #3

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    Sometimes it's scary how much your thoughts and feelings copy mine...

  4. #4
    The Dark Lord The Wailing Specter's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Polly View Post
    Sometimes it's scary how much your thoughts and feelings copy mine...
    I wonder if it is because I have a possible strong 4-fix and a heavy 6 wing, or we are both ENFP…

    Did you come from a mind-control cult, too?
    Enneagram: 6w7 (phobic) > 2w1 > 9w1
    Alignment: Chaotic Neutral
    Holland Code: AIS
    Date of Birth: March 15, 1996
    Gender: Male
    Political Stance: Libertarian Liberal (Arizona School/Strong BHL)
    ATHEIST UNITARIAN UNIVERSALIST HUMANIST
    and
    SCIENCE ENTHUSIAST


    I say this as a reminder to myself, but this goes for everyone:

    You can achieve anything you set your mind to, and you are limited only by how dedicated you are to succeed!

    -Magic Qwan

  5. #5

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Magic Qwan View Post
    I wonder if it is because I have a possible strong 4-fix and a heavy 6 wing, or we are both ENFP…

    Did you come from a mind-control cult, too?
    I wonder the same...Hmmm well I am not sure what do you mean by mind-control cult?

  6. #6
    Senior Member prplchknz's Avatar
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    this is bullshit if I make a thread like this it gets deleted. but this is allowed to stay. what the fuck

  7. #7
    Senior Member two cents's Avatar
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    Ugh. I've never been in an actual mind-control cult, but it's scary how much my upbringing mirrored one anyway. When I finally started to see through what was going on and started separating myself from all the bullshit and brainwashing and manipulation I became really angry and stayed that way for years. I was angry at all the things that were done to me that I had no control over, I was angry about all the things I missed out on, but most of all I was angry about how deficient I was made in many areas of functioning because of the things that were done to me, because of what I was and wasn't allowed to experience, because of all the lies fed to me for so many years. I felt like all these things were done to me by someone else but now I was left to deal on my own with all the problems that they caused, and that it was royally unfair.

    Well, it is royally unfair. You got screwed. It wasn't your fault. However, the fact that this was someone else's fault doesn't get you off the hook from dealing with it: this is who you are now and this is what you have to deal with.

    The best advice I can give you (it worked for me, I can't promise it will work for you) is to draw the line at your past being your past and resolve to start over and do the best with what you've got. You must, at any cost, stop dwelling on the past, and who hurt you in what way and how it's messing everything up now. Just don't let yourself go there in your mind. There's no way to go back into the past and fix it, and dwelling on it will only make you more hurt and angry. I'm not saying forgive -- that's up to you. Just do your best to leave it behind you.

    What you need now is to strive for autonomy. In the past your decisions were not your own (or at least mostly so). Now you need to busy yourself with making sure that you have more control over the conditions and direction of your life. It will be a lot of work. Maybe you've already done a lot of work towards that -- I don't know your current circumstances, but if you have, keep at it. It will help you feel safe.

    You will form a new identity, it will just take time to build. You can't be the person you were before, do the same things or believe the same things anymore, but you will slowly realize that you are still somehow "yourself", and although the conditions of your life and your attachments and your beliefs have changed, there are still things you like/care about, things that you find meaningful. It will come more easily if you can stop yourself from frantically grasping at things to fill the void you feel now.

    I don't know if you can find your childhood again. I haven't been able to. You may have to learn to let it go, and to let go of feeling like you were robbed -- you were, in fact, robbed, but the thing stolen from you is now gone. One thing you may be able to do is reclaim some of your memories, some of your childhood identity again, but you can't do it right now -- it will take time for you to emotionally separate from your past, and you have to do that before you can go back and tease apart the things that were you and the things that were done to you, the internal from the external, if that makes any sense.

    Another thing that may be helpful is therapy. I don't know if you have supportive friends -- it would be great for you to have some. Therapy, however, will go beyond providing support and will help you get your bearings in a more general sense. You can learn mental/emotional/social skills you may have missed out on while growing up in a cult. You can set/discuss life goals and your progress towards achieving them in a safe environment, and it will help to have another person there to run things by, someone who can provide perspective.

    Lastly, I will also heartily recommend that you try antidepressants. If you find one that works for you, it will help you with emotional regulation. Yes, you have all the reasons in the world to feel bad right now, and feeling bad is not a sign of anything wrong with you. An antidepressant will not stop you from feeling bad altogether. However, it will help you feel better, be less anxious, be less sad, feel more insulated from the things that upset you. It CAN happen, and if it does, it will make some things easier for you. The drugs won't do the work for you that you have to do to extricate yourself from the situation you are in and to move on, but they will help you feel better while you are doing it. It's up to you of course: if you decide it's not for you and you'd rather work things out on your own, that's just as valid a way of dealing with things.
    Last edited by two cents; 11-26-2013 at 11:04 AM. Reason: grammar
    And that's my two cents on the subject.

  8. #8

    Default

    There are a number of solutions to your problem. I would definitely suggest some sort of therapy so that you can express your thoughts, fears, and concerns and be guided by a professional. There will always be scars from your past but you CAN come out of it as a better person. Don't let the past define your future and don't get stuck in this toxic mindset. Negativity is a lethal snare that will leave you either lonely or stuck with other negative people that keep you trapped.
    Don't let what you missed out on keep you from new experiences! PM me if you ever need to talk. I hope these nuggets of advice assist you in your journey.

  9. #9
    The Dark Lord The Wailing Specter's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by two cents View Post
    Ugh. I've never been in an actual mind-control cult, but it's scary how much my upbringing mirrored one anyway. When I finally started to see through what was going on and started separating myself from all the bullshit and brainwashing and manipulation I became really angry and stayed that way for years. I was angry at all the things that were done to me that I had no control over, I was angry about all the things I missed out on, but most of all I was angry about how deficient I was made in many areas of functioning because of the things that were done to me, because of what I was and wasn't allowed to experience, because of all the lies fed to me for so many years. I felt like all these things were done to me by someone else but now I was left to deal on my own with all the problems that they caused, and that it was royally unfair.

    Well, it is royally unfair. You got screwed. It wasn't your fault. However, the fact that this was someone else's fault doesn't get you off the hook from dealing with it: this is who you are now and this is what you have to deal with.

    The best advice I can give you (it worked for me, I can't promise it will work for you) is to draw the line at your past being your past and resolve to start over and do the best with what you've got. You must, at any cost, stop dwelling on the past, and who hurt you in what way and how it's messing everything up now. Just don't let yourself go there in your mind. There's no way to go back into the past and fix it, and dwelling on it will only make you more hurt and angry. I'm not saying forgive -- that's up to you. Just do your best to leave it behind you.

    What you need now is to strive for autonomy. In the past your decisions were not your own (or at least mostly so). Now you need to busy yourself with making sure that you have more control over the conditions and direction of your life. It will be a lot of work. Maybe you've already done a lot of work towards that -- I don't know your current circumstances, but if you have, keep at it. It will help you feel safe.

    You will form a new identity, it will just take time to build. You can't be the person you were before, do the same things or believe the same things anymore, but you will slowly realize that you are still somehow "yourself", and although the conditions of your life and your attachments and your beliefs have changed, there are still things you like/care about, things that you find meaningful. It will come more easily if you can stop yourself from frantically grasping at things to fill the void you feel now.

    I don't know if you can find your childhood again. I haven't been able to. You may have to learn to let it go, and to let go of feeling like you were robbed -- you were, in fact, robbed, but the thing stolen from you is now gone. One thing you may be able to do is reclaim some of your memories, some of your childhood identity again, but you can't do it right now -- it will take time for you to emotionally separate from your past, and you have to do that before you can go back and tease apart the things that were you and the things that were done to you, the internal from the external, if that makes any sense.

    Another thing that may be helpful is therapy. I don't know if you have supportive friends -- it would be great for you to have some. Therapy, however, will go beyond providing support and will help you get your bearings in a more general sense. You can learn mental/emotional/social skills you may have missed out on while growing up in a cult. You can set/discuss life goals and your progress towards achieving them in a safe environment, and it will help to have another person there to run things by, someone who can provide perspective.

    Lastly, I will also heartily recommend that you try antidepressants. If you find one that works for you, it will help you with emotional regulation. Yes, you have all the reasons in the world to feel bad right now, and feeling bad is not a sign of anything wrong with you. An antidepressant will not stop you from feeling bad altogether. However, it will help you feel better, be less anxious, be less sad, feel more insulated from the things that upset you. It CAN happen, and if it does, it will make some things easier for you. The drugs won't do the work for you that you have to do to extricate yourself from the situation you are in and to move on, but they will help you feel better while you are doing it. It's up to you of course: if you decide it's not for you and you'd rather work things out on your own, that's just as valid a way of dealing with things.
    Thank you. I got into college. I am getting trained to work as a pharmacist's assistant. I feel I must find something of some meaning I can invest my energies in, but I don't know what meaning means anymore.
    Enneagram: 6w7 (phobic) > 2w1 > 9w1
    Alignment: Chaotic Neutral
    Holland Code: AIS
    Date of Birth: March 15, 1996
    Gender: Male
    Political Stance: Libertarian Liberal (Arizona School/Strong BHL)
    ATHEIST UNITARIAN UNIVERSALIST HUMANIST
    and
    SCIENCE ENTHUSIAST


    I say this as a reminder to myself, but this goes for everyone:

    You can achieve anything you set your mind to, and you are limited only by how dedicated you are to succeed!

    -Magic Qwan
    Likes Noon liked this post

  10. #10
    The Dark Lord The Wailing Specter's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by two cents View Post
    Ugh. I've never been in an actual mind-control cult, but it's scary how much my upbringing mirrored one anyway. When I finally started to see through what was going on and started separating myself from all the bullshit and brainwashing and manipulation I became really angry and stayed that way for years. I was angry at all the things that were done to me that I had no control over, I was angry about all the things I missed out on, but most of all I was angry about how deficient I was made in many areas of functioning because of the things that were done to me, because of what I was and wasn't allowed to experience, because of all the lies fed to me for so many years. I felt like all these things were done to me by someone else but now I was left to deal on my own with all the problems that they caused, and that it was royally unfair.

    Well, it is royally unfair. You got screwed. It wasn't your fault. However, the fact that this was someone else's fault doesn't get you off the hook from dealing with it: this is who you are now and this is what you have to deal with.

    The best advice I can give you (it worked for me, I can't promise it will work for you) is to draw the line at your past being your past and resolve to start over and do the best with what you've got. You must, at any cost, stop dwelling on the past, and who hurt you in what way and how it's messing everything up now. Just don't let yourself go there in your mind. There's no way to go back into the past and fix it, and dwelling on it will only make you more hurt and angry. I'm not saying forgive -- that's up to you. Just do your best to leave it behind you.

    What you need now is to strive for autonomy. In the past your decisions were not your own (or at least mostly so). Now you need to busy yourself with making sure that you have more control over the conditions and direction of your life. It will be a lot of work. Maybe you've already done a lot of work towards that -- I don't know your current circumstances, but if you have, keep at it. It will help you feel safe.

    You will form a new identity, it will just take time to build. You can't be the person you were before, do the same things or believe the same things anymore, but you will slowly realize that you are still somehow "yourself", and although the conditions of your life and your attachments and your beliefs have changed, there are still things you like/care about, things that you find meaningful. It will come more easily if you can stop yourself from frantically grasping at things to fill the void you feel now.

    I don't know if you can find your childhood again. I haven't been able to. You may have to learn to let it go, and to let go of feeling like you were robbed -- you were, in fact, robbed, but the thing stolen from you is now gone. One thing you may be able to do is reclaim some of your memories, some of your childhood identity again, but you can't do it right now -- it will take time for you to emotionally separate from your past, and you have to do that before you can go back and tease apart the things that were you and the things that were done to you, the internal from the external, if that makes any sense.

    Another thing that may be helpful is therapy. I don't know if you have supportive friends -- it would be great for you to have some. Therapy, however, will go beyond providing support and will help you get your bearings in a more general sense. You can learn mental/emotional/social skills you may have missed out on while growing up in a cult. You can set/discuss life goals and your progress towards achieving them in a safe environment, and it will help to have another person there to run things by, someone who can provide perspective.

    Lastly, I will also heartily recommend that you try antidepressants. If you find one that works for you, it will help you with emotional regulation. Yes, you have all the reasons in the world to feel bad right now, and feeling bad is not a sign of anything wrong with you. An antidepressant will not stop you from feeling bad altogether. However, it will help you feel better, be less anxious, be less sad, feel more insulated from the things that upset you. It CAN happen, and if it does, it will make some things easier for you. The drugs won't do the work for you that you have to do to extricate yourself from the situation you are in and to move on, but they will help you feel better while you are doing it. It's up to you of course: if you decide it's not for you and you'd rather work things out on your own, that's just as valid a way of dealing with things.
    Thank you. I got into college. I am getting trained to work as a pharmacist's assistant. I feel I must find something of some meaning I can invest my energies in, but I don't know what meaning means anymore.
    Enneagram: 6w7 (phobic) > 2w1 > 9w1
    Alignment: Chaotic Neutral
    Holland Code: AIS
    Date of Birth: March 15, 1996
    Gender: Male
    Political Stance: Libertarian Liberal (Arizona School/Strong BHL)
    ATHEIST UNITARIAN UNIVERSALIST HUMANIST
    and
    SCIENCE ENTHUSIAST


    I say this as a reminder to myself, but this goes for everyone:

    You can achieve anything you set your mind to, and you are limited only by how dedicated you are to succeed!

    -Magic Qwan

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