For the last 2 weeks or so, my mind has been a bit of a chaotic mess (before that I thought I was close to feeling normal again) and its been harder and harder for me to relax and distract myself or to focus on my previous pursuit of exploring spirituality I tried to start on. I don't know if it will help or not, but sometimes writing and chatting about things is what I need to get back to normal again (normal for me, not that that is very normal to others ) so...
I may later have second thoughts about blogging the below words and may request them to be edited or deleted at a later date...)
For the last 3-4 months, I've been in the just conversation stages of trying to start a new relationship and at several times, I felt a good connection to her on shared interests and values and that sort of thing, but now its approaching 5 weeks since I least heard from her and I'm at that "did I do (or not do) something to cause that" stage. Previously, 1 to 3 weeks between responses was normal, and upto 2 weeks was not much worry and that third week was an anxious moment, but after the third week had passed this time, I contacted an old friend to ask to talk about things and get her insights and such, but I've not heard back from her either, but shortly after that another friend asked me how things were going on the relationship search which opened up an opportunity to talk about that with her but I wanted her to have the insights into the complexity of the matter so I made a list of letters I'd sent for her to read and I've not had the chance to talk to her about it since then (but she did tell me she has read them just does not have time to chat about it in depth but encouraged me to move on (hmmm, not really encouraging from my point of view tho)).
I'm not too comfortable sharing too much information on this in a public forum, but I feel like I've found someone who I could have a very good long term relationship with (yes, I know I've said that before, but this time I think most of my image of "what could be" is based off conversation and learnign about her than projecting my hopes and dreams on to her which I've made a consicious effort to not do this time (does not mean I've completey succeeded tho)). I've tried to communicate my hopes and desires to her, and think that I've done so, but she and I do not share the same immediate wishes as far as relationships go, and while I still feel I have reason to hope for the future with her, I don't see it being something that will happen very soon if it does whcih leaves me in the "what do I do now" position. I don't want to give up on what I think could be the best potential relationship I've found in many years, but I'm at a loss of what to do now based on lack of her recent responses.
There is an upcoming sci-fi and gaming convention at the beginning of next month (August 2008) and both she and I are gamers, so if she decides to go to that, it may be an opportunity to meet and talk in a neutral/safe public spot that we would both be in a certain comfort zone (I have not directly brought up that idea to her, but will probably suggest somethgin liek that as the time draws closer). The other thing that concerns me here is if she does not plan to attend or does not let me know if she will/won't be there and I goto it and meet someone else there I'd still feel obligated to not enter a new relationship since I already told her of my hopes and it would seem like breaking an implicit promise if I were to even consider a new relationship at this time even if I found one by accident (and even if that happened, I'd feel like I'd forever have the "what could have been" thoughts of the current one to haunt me). Other than that, her past words gave me the impression she wants to wait til fall to give much serious thought to entering a relationship, but even then I don't really know if I am what she is looking for (of course I think I'd be a good match to her and nothign she has said to me has made me feel discouraged about that, but also nothign said has directly affirmed that longterm view on her part either).
I would welcome sharing more and talking to others about this in PMs. I'll also respond and chat here too, but I'm more concerned about what I comment on and say in a public form here so responses may be vague and cryptic .