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Thread: infj paradox

  1. #11
    ndovjtjcaqidthi
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    Quote Originally Posted by idkman24 View Post
    Two things:
    1) Are you sure you are an INFJ, @Saudade? I'm getting some strong T vibes from you
    So you think I'm an INTJ? I've typed myself as one before, but I don't think it fits as well as INFJ does. If you could give me more info than just a vibe I'd love to hear it.

  2. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by Saudade View Post
    So you think I'm an INTJ? I've typed myself as one before, but I don't think it fits as well as INFJ does. If you could give me more info than just a vibe I'd love to hear it.
    It's honestly just a vibe, really. I couldn't really put my finger on anything in particular.

    Perhaps it's due to my "dear....." post? Perhaps an Fe user would have seen the response and thought "eh, I don't really want to read that, but I may offend the guy if I respond, so I'll just let it go," OR they would respond with either advice, or even "bro, take a breather, you're making a big deal out of nothing. Sounds like those friends suck anyways."

    But, then again, I just read that you're 22 years old. I am only 23 and I, too, go(went?) through the same struggle as you. I've got the INJ down, but only recently have I recognized that what I always thought was my using Te was really Fe (and somewhere there is a Jung video of him saying that Te and Fe can be indistinguishable at a young age). Now it just makes more sense. I also have started using the Ti eye thing. So there's a new quirk I've developed.

  3. #13
    Senior Member autumnandtherain's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CatBalou View Post
    We need to feel like we're helping. If we try to help and the friend can't/won't accept that help, it makes us feel useless and inept. So yes, it's a bad situation for our egos and shows the limits on us being able to "care too much". Real caring too much is done by ISFJs IME.

    If the friend yo-yos up and down, we get enough of a stroke to our ego to carry on "caring"...
    I'm not sure I agree about the ego thing, but I definitely agree with the first part. If I can see that there's no way I can help them, I just let them know I care about them, how to reach me if needed, and let them be. It puts me through too much emotionally and mentally to try to help someone who refuses to be helped.
    Last edited by autumnandtherain; 12-06-2013 at 12:50 AM.

  4. #14
    ndovjtjcaqidthi
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    Quote Originally Posted by idkman24 View Post
    It's honestly just a vibe, really. I couldn't really put my finger on anything in particular.

    Perhaps it's due to my "dear....." post? Perhaps an Fe user would have seen the response and thought "eh, I don't really want to read that, but I may offend the guy if I respond, so I'll just let it go," OR they would respond with either advice, or even "bro, take a breather, you're making a big deal out of nothing. Sounds like those friends suck anyways."

    But, then again, I just read that you're 22 years old. I am only 23 and I, too, go(went?) through the same struggle as you. I've got the INJ down, but only recently have I recognized that what I always thought was my using Te was really Fe (and somewhere there is a Jung video of him saying that Te and Fe can be indistinguishable at a young age). Now it just makes more sense. I also have started using the Ti eye thing. So there's a new quirk I've developed.
    I wouldn't put much thought into that, I was just trying to rustle your jims. I wouldn't consider myself "young", by the way. Mentally, anyway, and I'm not struggling with anything, either. I know my type.

    You might want to reconsider yours, though. I see obvious Fi in you.

    I was just curious why you'd think that about me.

    Keep hustlin'.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Saudade View Post
    I wouldn't put much thought into that, I was just trying to rustle your jims. I wouldn't consider myself "young", by the way. Mentally, anyway, and I'm not struggling with anything, either. I know my type.

    You might want to reconsider yours, though. I see obvious Fi in you.

    I was just curious why you'd think that about me.

    Keep hustlin'.
    I'm not doubting you, but every 21, 22 year old I know says that they are "mentally mature" and are "certain of their type." I usually see it otherwise, but keep my mouth shut.

    Not saying the same goes for you, just giving you some food for thought.

    Yeah, I come from a STRONG Fi family (mom is ISFP), but it's Fe for me. I do have my personal feelings on A LOT of things, but ultimately, I think any decision needs to be based on the feelings of the majority over me. I tell my mom quite often, "mom, I know that's what you want, but that would be the SELFISH move, not the RIGHT move."

    You keep the hustlin' up yourself.
    Cheers!

  6. #16
    Senior Member two cents's Avatar
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    Wait, how is caring about someone else but also wanting to protect oneself a paradox? Seriously, are only uncaring assholes allowed to care about their own emotional wellbeing, but giving two shits about another person obligates one to forget everything about themselves and just become a willing slave to that other person's interests?

    Speaking as someone who has a strong impulse to help people (sometimes even to the extent of forgetting how that will affect me), self-protection is not even the only possible motivation for the behavior you describe. Have you considered plain frustration/boredom? If you are someone who likes to help people and you are faced with someone determined to destroy themselves, there's a) nothing you can do in the situation and b) you get to inwardly facepalm yourself pretty much continuously when dealing with that individual.

    It COULD be about feeling too much and just being unable to deal with the pain of watching someone you care about self-destruct. Or it could be much less dramatic than that: if your involvement (such as you can offer) is not wanted, you shrug and go away.
    And that's my two cents on the subject.

  7. #17
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    Yeah, that's more how I see it. I don't think it's so much an ego thing for me about needing to be needed, but rather that the cost consistently outweighs any return for either party. It's not accomplishing anything, but it is using up all kinds of resources.

  8. #18
    Parody Parrot meowington's Avatar
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    Any other INFJs here that have self-destructive tendencies themselves ?

    Because that would be reason nr 1 for me to stray from a friend on that path : ie. Fear to get sucked into a vortex of negativity myself. I have only gradually learned to cope with my own inner demons through the years.
    So, in that respect, I really do think the OPs right and that it is a matter of self protection, in my case. Sue me
    You have to be levelheaded yourself before you can be of any help to someone else.

    It also depends on the severity of the friends problem. I think we're better at giving extra guidance and personal insights to fairly levelheaded people, rather than helping out people who've totally lost it. We're counselors, not nurses or magicians. I'd have to agree with @CatBalou that an ISFJ could be more useful in that sort of crisis.

  9. #19
    Senior Member autumnandtherain's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by miauwington View Post
    Any other INFJs here that have self-destructive tendencies themselves ?

    Because that would be reason nr 1 for me to stray from a friend on that path : ie. Fear to get sucked into a vortex of negativity myself. I have only gradually learned to cope with my own inner demons through the years.
    So, in that respect, I really do think the OPs right and that it is a matter of self protection, in my case. Sue me
    You have to be levelheaded yourself before you can be of any help to someone else.

    It also depends on the severity of the friends problem. I think we're better at giving extra guidance and personal insights to fairly levelheaded people, rather than helping out people who've totally lost it. We're counselors, not nurses or magicians. I'd have to agree with @CatBalou that an ISFJ could be more useful in that sort of crisis.
    Oh yes, that's definitely part of that. If I'm around people who are negative all the time then I start thinking negatively too. I don't need that in my life. I have enough trouble fighting off my insecurities and negativity as it is, I don't need someone helping me add to that.

  10. #20
    Member ameeker's Avatar
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    An example of this paradox is that I had to leave my ESFP ex because he just did not understand money, and it was draining to both of us. To some it might look like I abandoned him, but to me I think I gave him a chance to be self-sufficient. Now that we're not in each other's hair all the time and now that he has a stable job and can support himself, we're all good again.

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