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[INFP] Ask an INFP

senza tema

nunc rosa cras fex
Joined
Oct 23, 2014
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@rep -

What i meant to ask was whether this person has to have qualities that you lack or similar to you?

A very simple example to the above question would be, when you say 'i don't want to go to xyz today' what you want your deal lover to reply as, whether it is: 'me neither' or 'lets go cus i am here too/okay i'll take care of it?'

The answer to both questions is both and neither and all of the above. My ideal mate would intuit what I want AND need before I ever even know it myself and reveal it to me in a flash of triumphant perfection accompanied by sunshine and angelic harps ... all while thinking that I was mana from heaven. :alttongue:

Jokes aside, [MENTION=22039]Arctic Hysteria[/MENTION] said it best. I'm just looking for someone whose brand of crazy complements my own. A compatible set of neuroses. (And mutual mind reading capabilities, of course, but let's not scare everyone away, Arcana ...)

Anyway, I don't do long lists but strong physical chemistry, emotional intimacy ... or the potential and desire for it ... plus the ability to connect intellectually on some levels and keep each other entertained sound about right. In the long term, similar values and similar desires and expectations from the relationship are also crucial.

But you know what? All that stuff sounds BORING. What it boils down to is this: I want someone who's as crazy about me as I am about him, and the knowledge that we'll work through the bumps we face the best we can and hold each other through it all.
 

senza tema

nunc rosa cras fex
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[MENTION=22067]riva[/MENTION]

I never really answered your question about the qualities I'd like my ideal mate to possess and whether they should be qualities I have or I lack.

I think it would ideally be a good mix of both. Enough difference to keep each other perpetually entertained (very important for me! I behave badly when I'm bored in relationships) but enough similarity to have self-fueling common ground. That's such a fucking generic answer. Ugh. Whatever, still true.

I'm currently at a point in my life where I am pretty self-sufficient. There are areas I could grow in, of course, but nothing that I need an SO to take care of. I'd rather have someone fun to explore life with, really.
 

OrangeAppled

Sugar Hiccup
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Mar 20, 2009
Messages
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That was really nice/thoughtful. I agree with it. Thanks for sharing. I think that's what I subconsciously look for; which means this applies to all, not just INFP and 4s.



Yes I just noticed the number of syllables.

I had to ruin the joke by telling where I got the tune from. It would have been ideal if it would have eventually suddenly clicked to you; but you don't seem to be much into pop culture (and tv shows, movies etc), to have left it to be remembered/figured out :p.

:D

I'm just Anerican enough and old enough so that there's no way I could escape that movie. Actually I really like Bill Murray in general too.
 

Riva

Well-known member
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Jun 26, 2014
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Soo when INFPs - I think this mostly applies to e4s - complain about themselves, do they feel less stressed afterwards?
 

skylights

i love
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Jul 6, 2010
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As you know, INFP is a self-effacing type, we're rarely jealous of others and project that good intention onto others. How do you respond to jealousy? I don't mean jealous feelings, I mean people being jealous of you, having bad intentions for you? I find it makes me uncomfortable, releases the monster within me, I struggle to comprehend it.

Sorry I missed this before. I think I started writing an answer and then found it difficult to explain. I don't notice very much if people are jealous of me. I really can't remember any time in my life where I said to myself, oh, that person might/must be jealous of me. I have been told that a person is jealous of me a couple of times in the past, and it made their actions make more sense in that light, but I struggled to visualize the nature of their jealousy or how it might change their behavior going forwards. So I guess mostly I am oblivious to it.

How do you INFPs deal with touch? Example: Physical affection.

I love it from my boyfriend and nuclear family, and I am comfortable with it from extended family who I am on warm terms with. From basically anyone else it makes me uncomfortable.

How would one place that in context of neediness? When does touch become uncomfortable by the romantic partner?

Rarely, only if we're really entrenched in an argument. In the context of neediness, I seek a high level of physical touch, but that might be a me thing more than an INFP thing - it's my primary "love language".

When do INFPs start pushing people away from their life?

When they are knowingly insulting to me or people/things/causes I care about - not just like a little bit of insult in anger or argument, but multiple instances of intentional and purposeful devaluation over a period of time after I have tried to mitigate the conflict. I have discovered it does not hurt me at all to cut a person who has done that that out of my life, and that it takes a real show of remorse for them to make it back in.

Soo when INFPs - I think this mostly applies to e4s - complain about themselves, do they feel less stressed afterwards?

I don't think I do that much. I like to joke about my weaknesses... it feels good to share them with others and have them acknowledge them and make light of them with me. Or I like to talk about them in an analytical, problem-solving sense. Complaining makes me feel like I'm stuck with something bad I can't change.

What kind of a partner does an INFP female want? In short bullet points, and without physical attributes pls...

Me personally:

- Kind
- Polite
- Patient
- Values knowledge/education
- Values family
- Open to adventure

I prefer for their values to be similar to mine and for them to be more practical and more action-oriented than me. In typology terms, I prefer Sensors and sp-high.

Arctic Hysteria said:
You're looking for the wrong person. But not just any wrong person: the right wrong person - someone you gaze upon lovingly and think, "This is the problem I want to have."

I really like this.

The longer I have been in a serious relationship, the more I have come to realize that the other person will always be foreign to me, always changing and growing in a way that I can't be familiar with and comfortable with. But that is also the beauty and the mystery of the "other", and if that foreignness were lost, so too would be the magnetism that binds us.

I think part of what makes it "love" is that we are required to endlessly subvert ourselves to be accepting of the other, to continually open ourselves to a different way of being. Loving isn't easy. It breaks down barriers and tears down walls. It changes old bonds and creates new bonds. It requires families to expand and forces new life into being. It is healing and it is painful.
 

blahblahbob

New member
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Dec 16, 2014
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127
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5w4
Soo when INFPs - I think this mostly applies to e4s - complain about themselves, do they feel less stressed afterwards?

When ESTJs make fun of someone who complains about something - does it make them more intelligent than they were before?
 

Riva

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Jun 26, 2014
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When ESTJs make fun of someone who complains about something - does it make them more intelligent than they were before?

It probably does. I wouldn't know.

I wasnt joking by the way thougj i put a lighthearted tough to the post.
 

blahblahbob

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Dec 16, 2014
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It probably does. I wouldn't know.

I wasnt joking by the way thougj i put a lighthearted tough to the post.

Having someone there to cry to is pretty cathartic - to answer your question. Has to be the right someone, of course, which is almost never ESTJ.
 

Firebird 8118

DJ Phoenix
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Sep 22, 2012
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Having someone there to cry to is pretty cathartic - to answer your question. Has to be the right someone, of course, which is almost never ESTJ.

Or ENTJ - my mom usually dismisses my crying/complaining. Then again, it's probably justified. :dry:
 

blahblahbob

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Dec 16, 2014
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127
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INFP
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Or ENTJ - my mom usually dismisses my crying/complaining. Then again, it's probably justified. :dry:

I like to be there when people break up or are having a really hard time in their relationship or are feeling worthless or unloved or whatever... I do get tired of minutia complaining.

I've had really horrific stuff done to me as a kid and some stuff later as an adult as it was quite a powerful and wealthy child trafficking ring - both times when I asked for help I was ignored so I don't like to do that to other people who are suffering.

Prepare for my wrath if you lie to me for my sympathy though...
 

Firebird 8118

DJ Phoenix
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I like to be there when people break up or are having a really hard time in their relationship or are feeling worthless or unloved or whatever... I do get tired of minutia complaining.

I've had really horrific stuff done to me as a kid and some stuff later as an adult as it was quite a powerful and wealthy child trafficking ring - both times when I asked for help I was ignored so I don't like to do that to other people who are suffering.

Prepare for my wrath if you lie to me for my sympathy though...

Oh dear :( sorry to hear about that :hug:
God, some people can be monsters in this world...
 

KML

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Dec 21, 2014
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Ask me anything, and you shall receive an answer.

wow! Thanks Taylord :)
My question at the moment is a very tedious and boring one that it seems many people ask, but which is bothering me greatly. Basically, am I an infp or an enfp?
The thing is, compared to an ISTJ I seem like an ENFP, but compared to an ENFP I seem like an ISTJ!! As in, I can be chatty and fun, in fact, full of energy, sometimes. At other times, I am quiet, serious and even quite strict.
The people I know who are ENFP's seem to go out and do A LOT more than me too. Compared to them, I am the stable one - serious, wise and sensible. Compare to truly serious and sensible people, however, I seem like a true extroverted wild child. As a kid, I actually was a bit of a wild child, but also very 'good' too, wanted to be good, to help people, kind of deep, you know, as well as curious ..
Also, I am happy on my own, doing things in my own time, meeting strangers is fun, but I don't like feeling obliged to freinds or making lots of appointments. I hate interruptions and am often irritated (at first) if someone turns up, though usually it energises me and I LOVE being with people once Ive got in the flow, generally. Love parties etc. Also, I am verbal and engaging, but not funny or fast talking like Sandra Bullock and other ENFP's. I seem more conventional, despite genuinely liking crazy people and feeling like they are more normal than anyone else ...
Am I making sense? I'd really like HELP from a kind hearted and patient INFP out there who might be able to see the wood for the trees for me ... :) THANKS!!
 

Avocado

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Do you feel misunderstood?
 

prplchknz

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yupp
dear pet INFPs (you are sometimes pets only when I'm asking a question that might hurt) how do you feel about dying? (I'm not saying to die now you can if you want but I don't wish it upon you) but how do you feel in general about dying? yourself and others
 

rosemilk

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Jan 28, 2014
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I don't really think about dying. A few times I've gotten really sick and then it's scared me - there's so much more I want to do! I want to be part of the word! etc - but otherwise it seems like a very remote possibility that I'll deal with when I got to it. As a kid I frequently had self-pitying, romantic thoughts about how tragic it would be if I died but of course, I had no true comprehension of death at that age in the slightest.

When I think about people I love dying, or anyone dying, I get emotional and extremely sad and upset. I find it hard to look at pictures in the newspaper that involve people dying, e.g. recently children whose parents had died of Ebola, people in war, etc. It's extremely painful and I feel destroyed and angry and impotent (because I want to help but can't) and it's hard for me to process. When it affects me like that I'll start talking to people about it or showing them what I saw and trying to get them to understand the strength of my feeling and it's frustrating if they don't engage. I feel a big urge to make everyone look and see how terrible and awful it is so that something can be done, or at least, the people who it is happening to can be felt for.
 

Kullervo

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I don't really think about dying. A few times I've gotten really sick and then it's scared me - there's so much more I want to do! I want to be part of the word! etc - but otherwise it seems like a very remote possibility that I'll deal with when I got to it. As a kid I frequently had self-pitying, romantic thoughts about how tragic it would be if I died but of course, I had no true comprehension of death at that age in the slightest.

When I think about people I love dying, or anyone dying, I get emotional and extremely sad and upset. I find it hard to look at pictures in the newspaper that involve people dying, e.g. recently children whose parents had died of Ebola, people in war, etc. It's extremely painful and I feel destroyed and angry and impotent (because I want to help but can't) and it's hard for me to process. When it affects me like that I'll start talking to people about it or showing them what I saw and trying to get them to understand the strength of my feeling and it's frustrating if they don't engage. I feel a big urge to make everyone look and see how terrible and awful it is so that something can be done, or at least, the people who it is happening to can be felt for.

No offence but you sound like a Fe user to me, and probably a 9 or a 2, not a 4.

I will explain: Fi users do not feel the suffering of others as our own because our Feeling is directed inward. We have to compare somebody else's suffering to our own feelings because that is our point of reference (in other words, to empathise with somebody, I imagine how I would have felt in their shoes). You feel like you can experience other people's hurts directly. That is Fe typified. The above does not make Fi selfish, only that we see people as fundamentally different and unique, not fundamentally the same, because that would violate our sense of self. These sentiments are contrary to what you have expressed. Your animation and desire to share your feelings with others (society generally) is also not particularly Fi or 4-like.
 

rosemilk

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That's interesting. I've taken the test a number of times over the years and always gotten 4! But when I am feeling the hurt I AM imagining myself in their shoes. I'm thinking what if that was my mother and me or one of my siblings and me and that's when it's too painful to handle. When I want to share with other people, it's because I feel like a big injustice is happening by people not paying enough attention to the pain of other people. Historically though my family has always been involved in activism, political causes, etc. so maybe it comes from that?
 

rosemilk

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Jan 28, 2014
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Just took the free, quick test on the enneagram institute website and got:

Type 4 (8 out of 8), and equal amounts types 1, 9 and 3 (5 out of 8).

The enneagram quiz website gave me: 4w5
 

Ghost

Megustalations
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Do you feel misunderstood?

Sort of.

People are very far from me. Like we're on different levels or in different planes. It seems like some people can...cross barriers? They influence each other in weird ways. I don't have that. It's not something I fully understand.

I do feel incomprehensible a lot of the time. It's a matter of figuring out what people are asking me and what it is I want to say, which takes time, and I'm usually too lazy and disinclined to do it. When I do bother speaking up and people don't understand what I'm saying, there's disappointment and the thought that I have to go back to the drawing board to figure out where it went wrong. Usually, I just let it be. It's too difficult to get right.

I think I misunderstand other people more than they misunderstand me, or maybe it's that when people don't understand it's less egregious because I no longer expect them to get it. (Though it's pleasantly surprising when they do.) There are always going to be gaps and areas of disconnect. It's just one of those things.

dear pet INFPs (you are sometimes pets only when I'm asking a question that might hurt) how do you feel about dying? (I'm not saying to die now you can if you want but I don't wish it upon you) but how do you feel in general about dying? yourself and others

I don't want to die. I feel like there's an expiration date stamped on me, and it makes me uncomfortable to think about. I feel like certain things need to be accomplished before I die, yet I haven't pushed myself to do them. So they hang over my head, these things I need to do but can't. The thought of death being outside of my control frustrates me, so I don't think about it unless I'm moping or using fiction as a way to detach from it and think about it more clearly.

To me, death is wasted potential. When people die, especially young or in their prime, their goals won't be realized. They'll miss out on experiences and epiphanies. I imagine everyone has things they want to do, and dying means they can no longer do them.

When people I know die, it doesn't feel like they're really dead. As long as my thoughts about them are intact they're still alive to me. There's a collection of images and feelings I can refer to. They're still safely tucked away in my mind. (I wonder if people are more conceptual to me than physical.) The memories inevitably fade or blur, so those people seem vague, like dreams.

The problem is when someone else is distraught about a loss. Their distress makes it devastating in a visceral way, and I don't know what to do with that.

No one close to me has died. That might be different, but thinking about the loss of loved ones feels like tempting fate.
 
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