I hope it's okay to be totally honest with you here, (I'll take it for granted that you would appreciate that anyway) but I can see why people would sometimes get that sense.. I think the impression you give could easily be overlooked by people as coldness or aloofness when to me it seems to come more from a place of being, in some way, fundamentally secure in yourself. I guess that's the compass thing. You're not exactly really searching for anything, you're just sort of... on a journey that is how it is? Whereas for me, I am searching for something, I know what it is, I'll know when I have or haven't found it. I know where people fall on my map.
Well, it's always interesting to learn how people see you, but no, it does not come from a place of being fundamentally secure, or I should say that I have many insecurities. I know that IxxPs can seem that way though - it's combination of being laid-back in manner and reserved (ie. too cool to care). I think Van Der Hoop notes that both Ji doms have a peculiar mix of inner security contrasted with an outer insecurity. Jung describes this as a kind of inferiority complex. I'd say it's due to being sure about our introverted reasoning, but insecure as to how it will be received (assuming it will be taken negatively in a Je run world).
I suppose FJs may jump through the hoops to please when insecure, looking to gain security by getting their foot in the door with people. It is true that Fi-dom turn inward for security, withdrawing into their shell and resisting outside influence; and I suppose this could seem like we are secure in ourselves. But we're not secure with other people necessarily....
Again, I don't really experience reality in terms of security, which seems a Si mentality to me.
Personally speaking, I most certainly am searching for something. I am not on a journey, and I wish I had such "faith" or patience. It's just that these ideals have no specific form; I know they can take many shapes. I will recognize it when I see it, and the compass is just the vague direction I'm stumbling in with hopes that I wll come across it. The weak point is not being able to plan out steps to reach it, and this is partly resisted for fear of pursuing a mirage. You think X is the ideal, and then it turn out it was not the manifestation of it after all. There is a lot of frustration in this method, but it has its merits too.
Admittedly I do get a little anxious (or I guess, careful) around people who are so secure in themselves because I'm aware I don't really matter to them, not yet, I mean not in a personal way. Whereas I kind of throw myself at people upfront. But the other side of that coin is it's limiting in the long run, my relationships will never have that much of a feeling of being stories unfolding, and their ultimate depth will probably not be as profound. They're just... states of being. Which can still be profound... just, in a different way.
Yeah, I don't really experience this, but it's interesting. I don't think there's anything less "deep" about other people's ways of forming connections though. IxFPs generally balk at "roles", which we can see as limiting, but I understand that others need to organize reality that way to navigate it.
I also have this almost visceral feeling of how turned off INFPs especially can be to ... hrmmm... attitudes (involving relationships) of already knowing how something will happen before it does? Acting like I know things about people without having to ask, etc? I think they take it for arrogance. I think they're very uncomfortable having people assume things about them, and I can imagine it feels invasive and reductive. The compass example helps me understand that better.
Well, we're iNtuitives, so we do a fair amount of hypothesizing on the future ourselves. I certainly experience knowing things that I have no solid proof of. As I noted before, I focus more on grasping people's potential and essence than learning any facts about them; I suppose this is reductive in some ways. But Ne is more about possibilities of what could be, especially if you choose to foster them, so there is a balking at the idea that there is ONE inevitable outcome, unless of course you are nurturing such an outcome (whether consciously or not; and people often make self-fulfilling prophecies). People also frame things a certain way so as to confirm their beliefs, and I think Ne is seeking to be aware that there are always several angles, often simultaneously valid. This doesn't negate truth, but how you can go about adhering to it. Grossest saying ever - but there are more ways than one to skin a cat.
So I don't like if people act on assumptions without checking in with me to see if it is accurate as far as truly meeting a need. This stems from experience of people being dead wrong. I'm rarely read correctly, and when people make decisions based on these inaccuracies, it can affect me negatively. It's less that I find it arrogant than I find it hurtful, as it can damage my reputation, reduce my choices, and limit my movement. I would say, yes, it's invasive - in a controlling way. They have a right to their interpretations, and I benefit from seeing things from their perspective at times, but this ends when it tries to assign me feelings or motives I don't have, or if it invalidates my expressed needs or values. Basically, that X must indicate Y thing, as if there is one possible cause for the result (ie. one explanation for my behavior, words, etc), or one possible result from the limited info they have.
I find myself consistent in many regards, but I tend to surprise people a lot. Many of my major life decisions had people saying they'd never expect it of me. People interpret others according their preconceptions of how others act or are supposed to, and Fi doesn't follow the social script very well. It's consistent with the inner ideals, not the social protocol. In needing to be understood to build rapport, I don't mean some in-depth understanding, like knowing my "soul" (how cheesy). Just someone who can put the script aside and not interpret from so many preconceptions.
But OTOH, and this is the part that makes me roll my eyes sometimes... INFPs and in my experience all Fi users like and appreciate when I am sensitive and attuned to things I already sorta kinda know about them without asking. They just get the wrong idea if I actually say I know them, because they think I am actually reducing them as a person, their unique story, to some preconception. It's not that I don't respect and appreciate the story--and I am sad when that is misunderstood--It's just also important to me to have a sense of how to accommodate people even before we have become close. I never really assume that I 100% know people, but then that's not really the goal for me, since I don't need to know them to know how I feel with them. I guess what is most important to me is our story, which is a collaborative experience involving and even transforming parts of both of us, rather than a knowing. Knowing to me is more a tool that can deepen that experience.
I don't like people to fuss over me either. The idea of someone accommodating me is odd, because much of the time I don't care, and yet, when I do care and speak up, then people are unwilling to accommodate. I would appreciate someone going out of their way for me, but I don't often find it tailored to me (nor do I expect it), as far as addressing what is really important to me in life. It's more about their idea of being nice, and I appreciate it for the intention.
I have no issue with someone saying they know me either. I don't have a "story" because I don't define myself in concrete terms like that. I do have an "identity", and it's more about my essence and potential, as that's how I experience people, including myself. I don't like if someone tries to "accommodate" in a way that suggests I am high maintenance, picky, touchy, etc. People bending over backwards for me don't make me feel good, because it makes me feel like a pain in the butt. Then there is the unspoken obligation to return something; I don't want to be indebted for what I didn't ask for. It feels emotionally manipulative. Someone trying to influence me by "helping" is not pleasant to me either. I don't want to be shaped according to someone else's vision; I have my own for myself.
I understand interpreting people in terms of dynamic over their general nature, and this is why I suppose J types use "roles" so much. Perhaps they don't realize that a person man be responding to them more than trying to affect them by taking on a role, so that what is consistent for the person (in this case, more likely an IxxP) is the inner principle they respond with, not the external manner of how they respond, as that will vary in relation to the stimuli. To Je eyes, this doesn't look consistent, and in trying to quickly surmise someone so as to see how to proceed, they can end up pigeon-holing. They put someone in a role, which stunts the dynamic. This makes the dynamic based off of these preconceptions and not who people really are, which renders them sort of meaningless. It's like a big show, not genuine interaction anymore.
Does any of that resonate with you? Would you say I'm getting the wrong idea on some of this?
You're not terribly far off, but I'm picky about defining things. I'm a pretty specific brand of INFP too.
Most INFPs in the wild are enneagram 9, although I find enough in common with them to be a Fi representative at times.
I appreciate people taking the time to clarify things, as that's what most people do not do, and how misinterpretation happens.
I can see how important it is to you. I wonder, in the most ideal sense, what do you think it would mean to understand and appreciate you? Obviously I have my own definitions of those, but I suspect that there is a Fi-Ne vs Ni-Fe gap playing into that too.
As noted above...
Understand = interpret my words and actions positively, not projecting junk onto me and using the social script to determine what I am getting at; making an effort to be an active listener, seek clarification, and wrap your head around things that may have never occurred to you before.
Appreciate - demonstrate and express a value of my present qualities, not criticizing a lot or trying to change me or always suggesting what I could do differently, show you value things connected to my strengths. Demonstrate and express some enjoyment of my personality - that you find me likable. A combination of admiration, respect and liking.
I know that e9s seem to like people who "let them be", who don't ask them to adjust, as they can resent "over-adjusting" to maintain harmony (or something like that).
Personally, I go off on Bukowski-esque Fi rants, Shakespearean navel-gazing, and general whimsical speculation, and someone taking this seriously is good, as this is how I see "myself". My identity is in these, not really in my emotions or actions so much. If someone dismisses this, then I will feel they could never really appreciate me, beyond something shallow that is.
Sorry for the long-windedness... I have a bad head cold and am not inclined to editing
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