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  1. #1
    Junior Member Rennamix's Avatar
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    Exclamation INFPs, I need your relationship insight!!!

    I would put this in the sex or relationship thread but i need advice and insight from an infp.

    I'm dating an INFP now for five months now. We met each other not under normal circumstances but the simplist way to explain it is that we met through my neighbor he was living with at the time. Now we live together somewhere else of our own. He is 14 years older than me but age in proper amount has never bothered me. We connected immediately and right away I suspected his type. I was intrigued by his deeper strong values and all the abstract subj we would discuss had me hooked. He is a very deep feeler and he showed a lot of affection, verbally and physically, to me in the beginning of our relationship.

    We have always had sexual issues from the very start. He was experiencing impotent problems but we still enjoyed each other very often (a couple times a day to at least five times a week). I was very patient with him because I knew he had gone through some very traumatic events (life changing) recently, so I assumed he was just still trying to get back to "normal". Sometimes we would successfully hve sex and other times we did stuff besides actual sex. But he always made sure I was taken care of.
    I would initiate more often than not but I didn't mind.

    Once we moved into the same place, we rarely have sex. I know he loves me and wants to make me happy. He takes good care of me emotionally, always making I'm okay by asking "how are you?" Tells me he loves me multiple times a day, kisses me, cuddles with me, etc. Yet, if I bring up our sex life, he avoids talking about it. I asked him twice in te past two months to go to the doctor to make sure it's not his health or low hormone levels. He said he would but still hasn't. I'm starting to feel very depressed by this... He used to not be able to keep his hands off me and now, once it's bed time it's almost a wall goes up. I asked him last night very nicely for him to go to the doctor by next month when I trip comes up.

    I really don't understand what's going on with him. I feel like he gives to me emotionally in every dept but sexually. It's really starting to bother me because I feel unwanted or undesired. I express my love mainly through intimacy and since it's lacking, I'm left feeling like we are best fiends. I can only be patient so long.

    Why hasn't he gone to the doctor yet? He has quite a few relationships including fwb too. But he has admitted since the life changing event, he has had problems getting it up. So yes, knowingly proceeded into the relationship with this issue. I love him as don't feel like giving up just yet. BUT what is taking so long for him to do something about it? I feel starved and not taken Seriously. It's avg now one to two times a month. It's really starting to affect me negatively. I'm very sexually frustrated and hurt. What can I do?

    Help! What is going on with him?! Anything from you INFPs would he great. Thanks

    Sorry if there are typos, I'm typing from my phone.

  2. #2
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    It sounds like it is a reason directly tied to introverted feeling. It's very idiosyncratic so there could be many reasons for why he has not gone (outside of more mainstream concerns) which would probably not make much sense to you if he explained them (without going into detail regarding background related experiences that is.)

    The Fi needs to permit him to go. If it is in agreement with your point of view then he will go (providing he doesn't procrastinate for other reasons of course.) Have you offered him an ear? He may benefit from at least confiding in you about his reservations (but again you can't force him or ask him what is wrong as Fi may not want to comply) so if you leave yourself open and come across as if you would listen without judgement then he may explain his concerns. After verbalising internalised concerns it causes a shake up of the interior and that may galvanise his inner world into seeing a doctor.

  3. #3
    Junior Member Rennamix's Avatar
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    It was extremely hard for me to put all this out there. Feel free though to ask me anything of I didn't supply enough information. I'm not looking to leave the relationship just yet, so please no encouragement on me leaving. Thank you for understanding : )

  4. #4
    Junior Member Rennamix's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Standuble View Post
    It sounds like it is a reason directly tied to introverted feeling. It's very idiosyncratic so there could be many reasons for why he has not gone (outside of more mainstream concerns) which would probably not make much sense to you if he explained them (without going into detail regarding background related experiences that is.)

    The Fi needs to permit him to go. If it is in agreement with your point of view then he will go (providing he doesn't procrastinate for other reasons of course.) Have you offered him an ear? He may benefit from at least confiding in you about his reservations (but again you can't force him or ask him what is wrong as Fi may not want to comply) so if you leave yourself open and come across as if you would listen without judgement then he may explain his concerns. After verbalising internalised concerns it causes a shake up of the interior and that may galvanise his inner world into seeing a doctor.
    Thank you, that makes sense that it's his Fi not allowing him to go to the doctor. It's just te longer he puts it off, the more I'm hurt. How can he not see that? Or does he and just isn't moved enough to do anything?

    I have offered to listen with no judgment and that's how I know he has had this as a problem for the first time ever and since the life changing event. I explained to him that I accept him and am never judging him for what's going on. I told him I'm being patient because I WANT to and want to be there for him. But it's been months since he has openly talked to me about it; if I bring it up now, he clams up quick.

  5. #5
    Junior Member Rennamix's Avatar
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    Do I actually have to face that terrible moment of saying I can't be in the relationship if this doesn't get fixed?

    I know he loves me and wants to take care of me. I've been unemployed right now and I know he is stressed about money. I explained to him that I see and feel his stress, I realize it's hard for him to be sexually if he is stressed about his job and money. But isn't it possible to put those thighs aside momentarily to enjoy intimacy? Is he feel any shame and just doesn't want to go there sexually? I try to be so loving every time we are in the middle of intimacy - if he loosing his erection, I try multiple things to help him gain it back. He immediately gets frustrated when he looses it, so THATs why I try to be as tender and gentle towards him. I'm not at all disgusted, just frustrated at the end of it all. Now, he never initiates and doesn't seem to want it ever. I feel guilt now by initiating... I'm at a loss with how to get him motivated to go to the doctor. I gave him a deadline on when he needs to go to the doctor by and explained its very important to me.

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rennamix View Post
    Thank you, that makes sense that it's his Fi not allowing him to go to the doctor. It's just te longer he puts it off, the more I'm hurt. How can he not see that? Or does he and just isn't moved enough to do anything?

    I have offered to listen with no judgment and that's how I know he has had this as a problem for the first time ever and since the life changing event. I explained to him that I accept him and am never judging him for what's going on. I told him I'm being patient because I WANT to and want to be there for him. But it's been months since he has openly talked to me about it; if I bring it up now, he clams up quick.
    This is a reply to both posts. A thought came to mind for me - it is possible he knows he is hurting you and feels regret about it but he has determined the likely outcome is that the relationship would fail. If he is like me then the fatalism sinks in and you wait for the ship to sink. Such are the flaws of having a weak Te - powerlessness being the main one. He probably deduced that the doctors may not determine a solution and even if it did it may not be enough to save the relationship. Money troubles are probably compounding the fatalism further - the Ne doesn't have the opportunity to find other solutions. However maybe it can still be saved and maybe it is still possible for him to see it for himself (if the above is the case of course.)

  7. #7
    Junior Member Rennamix's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Standuble View Post
    This is a reply to both posts. A thought came to mind for me - it is possible he knows he is hurting you and feels regret about it but he has determined the likely outcome is that the relationship would fail. If he is like me then the fatalism sinks in and you wait for the ship to sink. Such are the flaws of having a weak Te - powerlessness being the main one. He probably deduced that the doctors may not determine a solution and even if it did it may not be enough to save the relationship. Money troubles are probably compounding the fatalism further - the Ne doesn't have the opportunity to find other solutions. However maybe it can still be saved and maybe it is still possible for him to see it for himself (if the above is the case of course.)
    Wonderful. So basically he is waiting for me to take a now and peace out, giving me a reason to leave? Your explanation makes perfect sense.

  8. #8
    You have a choice! 21%'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rennamix View Post
    I know he loves me and wants to take care of me. I've been unemployed right now and I know he is stressed about money. I explained to him that I see and feel his stress, I realize it's hard for him to be sexually if he is stressed about his job and money. But isn't it possible to put those thighs aside momentarily to enjoy intimacy? Is he feel any shame and just doesn't want to go there sexually? I try to be so loving every time we are in the middle of intimacy - if he loosing his erection, I try multiple things to help him gain it back. He immediately gets frustrated when he looses it, so THATs why I try to be as tender and gentle towards him. I'm not at all disgusted, just frustrated at the end of it all. Now, he never initiates and doesn't seem to want it ever. I feel guilt now by initiating... I'm at a loss with how to get him motivated to go to the doctor. I gave him a deadline on when he needs to go to the doctor by and explained its very important to me.
    This probably feels like he's failing you somehow, so any kind of intimacy is going to bring up feelings of shame and guilt, which could be why he stays away from it completely.

    Personally, I don't know -- but maybe he views intimacy as something spiritual that can't be 'fixed' by doctors, and doing so is going to cheapen it?

    I think you both need to be able to talk about it openly, without hurt, without blame. It will be hard to get there, and with me and my INFP we usually have to go through massive fights before we finally reach a point where we are really working together to solve an issue. Tell him it's not his fault, but that you feel like you are closer when you are intimate, so you'd like that in the relationship. Then ask him what he wants from the relationship as well, and see if you can meet in the middle.

    Anyway, good luck!
    4w5 sp/sx EII

  9. #9
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    my guess would be that he's quietly wallowing around in self loathing and despair. feeling like...of course he's going to mess this up...because he's defective and it's always something....and he blames himself...feels like he's not being a man and it hurts too much to talk about...because perhaps...if he were to say those words outloud...those words he knows so much are true... then you will now know they are true too... so if you haven't stopped loving him yet you surely will then.

    so...the wall goes up at night...just to sort of say...please let this not be an issue tonight. don't make me deal with this tonight.

    just pushing it back further and further to hold off the inevitable as long as he can....just not tonight.

    he's procrastinating the emotional let down.

    my advice:

    first...fwb? a couple of them? still? you're good with that?

    maybe 3 sex partners has just tapped him out. infps like the sex but 3 people? they really don't have that much energy to dole out.

    okay...second...besides all that ^^

    tell him that you don't blame him...just talk openly...don't pity him. don't be condescending. don't emasculate. take the pressure off...be light...don't press...tell him you need to speak candidly but know it comes from a place of___________

    tell him everything..in a light...honest...not bs way. tell him that you need it. tell him more than anything you need him to care with you. to not feel bad about it but just try to fix it with you.

  10. #10
    Senior Member Forever_Jung's Avatar
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    It's not a physical thing for me, definitely psychological, but I can't speak for him. Still, I wouldn't be surprised if it was psychological. If something isn't sitting right me, I'm a Hindenberg in the bedroom. It certainly strains my relationships.

    Then I get all depressed and self-absorbed and just give up. So much guilt, totally unable to see the bigger picture. I can't talk too much about this without considerable discomfort. I apologize.

    The thing that helps me the most is when the lady in question helps me along in a straightforward but caring way. If you need this resolved soon, you definitely need to broach the subject, because he will probably avoid it forever.

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