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Thread: INFPs, I need your relationship insight!!!

  1. #11
    mod love baby... Array Lady_X's Avatar
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    Oct 2008
    9w1 sx/so


    i should perhaps mention that i've never actually dealt with this specific issue and i'm not a guy.

  2. #12
    So tired... Array Amargith's Avatar
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    Nov 2008
    4dw sx/so
    IEx None


    Going to the doctor, setting up the appointment etc...its logistics. Something INFPs aren't..good at as it is. Especially when it comes with a bucket of self-loathing, fear of being judged, ridiculed and feeling like a failure. All those emotions come flooding back every time he picks up the phone, so to speak. They may seem like silly misgivings, but trust me, they paralyse a person, especially one that uses avoidance to deal with unresolved issues. His Fi is doing overtime on this, but seems to be stuck.

    You are focusing on fixing the problem - a very J quality of you and admirable, as well as very useful to him. However, in this case, I think you might want to focus on the problem that he is chewing on: his perceived image of being broken and stuck in shame. If you can get him to sit down and talk to you at a moment where he is relaxed and not overly tired, to then discuss the situation, that would be best.

    And with situation, I do mean his feelings of inadequacy. Don't even bring up sex, if not necessary. Talk to him about why he feels the need to put up a wall between you two. Tell him that you love him, that he is everything you wanted in your life and that it saddens you to feel this emotional gap between you two. That you thought you could discuss and address everything together, like a team. That it pains you to see him hurting like this when there is no real reason for that. That his fears of failing you, of what the consequences of that perceived failure will be are understandable but not founded in truth, and that putting up that wall between you two and keeping it there might put everything you two value so at risk as a self-fulfilling prophesy.

    Tell him that there is no blame, there is no judgement and list all the things you love about him, if you can.

    See how he responds to this.

    Then tell him that whatever problem life throws at you, you will face it together. As long you can form a team together. Ask him to trust you, to trust in your love for him. To believe that to you, he isn't a flawed and shameful person. Quite on the contrary.

    And open up about your own fear of being unwanted. That you know it is probably irrational, but that this wall between you two is making it hard to get rid of those feelings. Make it clear you don't blame him for this, but the situation itself. If he instantly jumps in to reassure you about this, jump to the next part (see below), if he cringes and pulls away in shame, make it clear to him that he does not need to feel shame, pressure or blame for this. That you don't hold how you feel against him and that he hasn't failed you. That you're simply sharing with him in an attempt to close the emotional gap, and come together in finding a solution for this as you do want to help him, and you as a couple figure this out.

    After all this, if you both are not worn out yet of this emotional roller coaster

    THEN approach the topic of solving the issue in the bedroom.

    Personally, I'd go with a variation of the following:

    'Listen. Why don't I make an appointment and we go in to talk about it. What harm can talking do? All we're doing is exploring our options, and seeing what's out there. Couldn't hurt, right?'

    Help him to face that logistical and emotional nightmare, and go with him. it might not be necessary, but he needs to feel that this isn't something you hold against him, that this is an external thing you two will handle together, as a team. Show him what you're good at - addressing problems from the external world when they come up. And show that there is nothing to be afraid of when going to a doctor with a potentially shameful problem - they've seen and heard it all before. Then walk him through how to do it himself, so he has time to realise that this isn't something to hide and be ashamed of. This is something that you most definitely can and shouldn't feel bad for addressing.

    This kind of fear or shame does not just disappear overnight. So you'll be in for a long road. But tearing down that wall between you two shouldn't take that long, if handled correctly. And standing together as a team will make that road a potential fun adventure for the both of you.


  3. #13
    Level 8 Scumlord Array SpankyMcFly's Avatar
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    Nov 2009
    642 so/sx


    Quote Originally Posted by Rennamix View Post
    I would put this in the sex or relationship thread but i need advice and insight from an infp.

    I'm dating an INFP now for five months now. We met each other not under normal circumstances but the simplist way to explain it is that we met through my neighbor he was living with at the time. Now we live together somewhere else of our own. He is 14 years older than me but age in proper amount has never bothered me. We connected immediately and right away I suspected his type. I was intrigued by his deeper strong values and all the abstract subj we would discuss had me hooked. He is a very deep feeler and he showed a lot of affection, verbally and physically, to me in the beginning of our relationship.

    We have always had sexual issues from the very start. He was experiencing impotent problems but we still enjoyed each other very often (a couple times a day to at least five times a week). I was very patient with him because I knew he had gone through some very traumatic events (life changing) recently, so I assumed he was just still trying to get back to "normal". Sometimes we would successfully hve sex and other times we did stuff besides actual sex. But he always made sure I was taken care of.
    I would initiate more often than not but I didn't mind.

    Once we moved into the same place, we rarely have sex. I know he loves me and wants to make me happy. He takes good care of me emotionally, always making I'm okay by asking "how are you?" Tells me he loves me multiple times a day, kisses me, cuddles with me, etc. Yet, if I bring up our sex life, he avoids talking about it. I asked him twice in te past two months to go to the doctor to make sure it's not his health or low hormone levels. He said he would but still hasn't. I'm starting to feel very depressed by this... He used to not be able to keep his hands off me and now, once it's bed time it's almost a wall goes up. I asked him last night very nicely for him to go to the doctor by next month when I trip comes up.

    I really don't understand what's going on with him. I feel like he gives to me emotionally in every dept but sexually. It's really starting to bother me because I feel unwanted or undesired. I express my love mainly through intimacy and since it's lacking, I'm left feeling like we are best fiends. I can only be patient so long.

    Why hasn't he gone to the doctor yet? He has quite a few relationships including fwb too. But he has admitted since the life changing event, he has had problems getting it up. So yes, knowingly proceeded into the relationship with this issue. I love him as don't feel like giving up just yet. BUT what is taking so long for him to do something about it? I feel starved and not taken Seriously. It's avg now one to two times a month. It's really starting to affect me negatively. I'm very sexually frustrated and hurt. What can I do?

    Help! What is going on with him?! Anything from you INFPs would he great. Thanks

    Sorry if there are typos, I'm typing from my phone.
    Hello Rennamix,

    I read your post with much interest. I’m not only a male INFP but I’ve had an INFJ girlfriend before, 3 years, back in Nam.

    It sounds like he is shutting down and seriously processing to work something out. When I, and dare I say “we”, retreat like that and disengage it’s often to make sense of something. It sounds like a Fi/Si loop which is to say we are playing back in our head what happened (Si) trying to find the error(Fi). What went wrong? When? Why? Unfortunately we can also entertain “what if” scenarios (Ne). That’s a very bad thing, what’s done is done we can’t change that, but the want to do so is often a siren’s call that is irresistible. It’s a downward spiral and an insidious song.

    My best advice for knocking someone out of a Fi/Si loop is to keep the person very busy, give them a chance to repress until they are ready to engage. DO NOT give them time to brood. When we are ready we will need to talk about it (Te). It’s during this talk that realizations occur and it’s critical to getting over something. I often don’t know what I feel/think about something (because I’m conflicted and confused) until I’m actually talking about it and at that instant, it pops into my head, all the pieces fit together and it makes sense to me. An occasional question from a good listener is all I need to figure it out, it just takes a lot to get to that point. It’s like I’m gathering data from different perspectives (Ne and the “what if” scenario building) until I can finally make a decision. Really tough and/or important problems may take several of these kinds of sessions.

    You are a person of value, which means you can be bossy as long as you qualify and explicitly state your intent. Tell him what you want/need directly.

    About the sex issues, well… I think you need to hit his “sex” button. Awaken the primal part of his being. You love each other and that’s all fine and good but sometimes when your man gets in a rut it helps to remind him that you are a hot ass woman who has needs and it’s his place to satisfy them. Objectify him and tell/show/make him do what needs to get done. Most guys really dig this, some more than others. INFPs make decent subs FTR. What you will find is that once awakened he will shift back to a normal state. If he starts to slack again, just give him another reminder, until he addresses and deals with the underlying issues.

    Good luck.
    "The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents... Some day the piecing together of dissociated knowledge will open up such terrifying vistas of reality, and of our frightful position therein, that we shall either go mad from the revelation or flee from the light into the peace and safety of a new Dark Age. " - H.P. Lovecraft

  4. #14
    Senior Member Array tkae.'s Avatar
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    Sep 2010
    5w4 sx/sp


    I'm kind of confused about why the primary issue is sex. I'm still a virgin, and it wasn't even hard for me because I just deal with the feelings. God gave us hands, right? But emotions are beautiful and meaningful. If he's fulfilling you emotionally, then I'm not entirely I see what the major problem is. I know that sounds a bit harsh, but I'm just being honest. Sex is sex, but emotions are a relationship.

    I want to echo the sentiment of someone else who said it's a bit of a J-ish take on relationships that intimacy is a key factor. If you knew sexual issues were a problem going in, then why is it an issue when their effect really takes hold? And is that really something to end the relationship over?

    And if he has friends with benefits, isn't that a possible solution for you too? Deal with someone else for sexual relief and focus on your emotional relationship? Because as far as I know, or at least for me, I don't prioritize sex. I know about love languages, but even then I make sure to run the gamut on how I treat someone I love. I try to cover as many as possible, and when it comes to physical love, I do gentle things like massaging their shoulders, hugging them a lot, sitting close to them on the couch, holding their hands, rubbing their arms and back, etc. It doesn't need to just be sex. For me, what's beautiful is all of the other things. The moments AFTER sex, and all of the rest of time.

    But, again, it's different for INFJ. There's more differences between them than people give credit for, and for you it might very well be a deal breaker. You need to decide what your limits really are before you go much further forward, because maybe he's been to the doctor and it was bad news. Fourteen years is a big enough gap for men to really have trouble in that area. Maybe it's something he doesn't want to tell you because he already knows the answer. Or maybe that's how the answer will end up, that it's irreversible and solutions would be too temporary for you to be comfortable with. And if that's your dealbreaker, you need to know that going in.

    Whether you break up with him after that kind of news is for you to decide.

    Quote Originally Posted by Amargith View Post
    Going to the doctor, setting up the appointment etc...its logistics. Something INFPs aren't..good at as it is. Especially when it comes with a bucket of self-loathing, fear of being judged, ridiculed and feeling like a failure. All those emotions come flooding back every time he picks up the phone, so to speak. They may seem like silly misgivings, but trust me, they paralyse a person, especially one that uses avoidance to deal with unresolved issues. His Fi is doing overtime on this, but seems to be stuck.
    And that's just talking about the fact that it's an embarrassing problem. I'm horrible about things like setting up appointments for myself. Hair appointments, dental appointments, doctor's appointments. I've had a sore tooth for three years now that I'm only now going to the dentist for tomorrow. And that's because last time I was there I told him it wasn't that big of an issue, that I'd rather get an issue fixed that MIGHT be cosmetic. If it gets me out of dealing with paperwork, I'll suck up or ignore a lot of things.

    But the fact that's a non-damaging problem like a soft penis? Not even on my radar. I do agree that you offering to set up the appointment would help. If I have an issue, I leave it to my mom (ESFJ) to deal with, since she's a nurse. And I bring her along to translate all of the medical jargon for me, because it's way faster and more effective that way. I don't remember what my issues are, I don't remember anything they tell me, and I just shrug and say "Guess so." when they ask about my symptoms. I hate doctor's appointments. If I knew why I were sick, I'd tell them
    "Not knowing how near the truth is, we seek it far away." -Ekaku Hakuin

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