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  1. #1
    The Dark Lord The Wailing Specter's Avatar
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    Exclamation I know I can't be the only person that's had this problem…could somebody help me?

    My mother started showing me how much worse I'm doing this semester since she stopped pressuring me all the time to do things. I've been worrying about whether or not I'll make it out in the real world with all of my spacing-out and lack of attention…if I can actually live up to the high standards of society…

    I'm honestly unsure if I'll be able to…

    Not trying to sound flaky or wimpy, but it really feels like I might not be ready…though if I'm not ready, then I feel like a useless bum…

    It seems like I put a lot of effort into things, but they still turn out very bad…

    Then I was dealing with anxiety over having to present myself perfectly for an interview. What if nobody ever likes me?

    Then, I'm so disorganized and forgetful…what if I make a horrible mistake somewhere?

    I know I'm not the only one with anxiety…
    Please, somebody give me advice on becoming more productive and confident…
    Enneagram: 6w7 (phobic) > 2w1 > 9w1
    Alignment: Chaotic Neutral
    Holland Code: AIS
    Date of Birth: March 15, 1996
    Gender: Male
    Political Stance: Libertarian Liberal (Arizona School/Strong BHL)
    ATHEIST UNITARIAN UNIVERSALIST HUMANIST
    and
    SCIENCE ENTHUSIAST


    I say this as a reminder to myself, but this goes for everyone:

    You can achieve anything you set your mind to, and you are limited only by how dedicated you are to succeed!

    -Magic Qwan

  2. #2
    Phantonym
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    First of all, it might be good to know that what you're feeling is pretty normal. A bit of anxiety and uncertainty just goes with the stage of life you're in. I know I've definitely gone through the same kind of feelings.

    What I get from your post is that you're feeling the pressure to succeed and want to be perfect. Something that might give you some more confidence...think about this period of your life as your chance to learn. It is perfectly alright to make mistakes, it is alright to feel that you're not ready because you're not supposed to be ready yet, and it does not make you useless. It all takes time, but if you work on things as best as you can right now, you will definitely feel ready when it's the right time.

    Being more productive...what has worked for me is prioritizing. Think about what you want to achieve, and then take small and achievable steps. Setting huge goals and worrying about being perfect will just add more stress and anxiety, and that could also cause more spacing-out and forgetfulness. With school, take one assignment at a time. With job interviews, it's alright not to be perfect at first. The more interviews you go through, the more you can learn and you will feel more confident with each one.

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by Magic Qwan View Post
    My mother started showing me how much worse I'm doing this semester since she stopped pressuring me all the time to do things. I've been worrying about whether or not I'll make it out in the real world with all of my spacing-out and lack of attention…if I can actually live up to the high standards of society…

    I'm honestly unsure if I'll be able to…

    Not trying to sound flaky or wimpy, but it really feels like I might not be ready…though if I'm not ready, then I feel like a useless bum…

    It seems like I put a lot of effort into things, but they still turn out very bad…

    Then I was dealing with anxiety over having to present myself perfectly for an interview. What if nobody ever likes me?

    Then, I'm so disorganized and forgetful…what if I make a horrible mistake somewhere?

    I know I'm not the only one with anxiety…
    Please, somebody give me advice on becoming more productive and confident…
    Self-confidence takes work. I can describe easily enough how to get it, but you still have to do incredible amounts of work to actually achieve true confidence.

    Example:

    Most Olympic athletes are children; they are in their late teens or early 20s. To be the best in the world at something, they have to have confidence in themselves. What do they do to gain that confidence before a tough competition? Take the example of a downhill skier. When he arrives at a competition, he is generally allowed some time to familiarize himself with the course, i.e., walk the course, examine it closely, and then do a practice run or two on it. But that’s it. He's often not given any more access to the course until it’s time for him to hit the starting gate and run the race, and that interim period may be a couple days. But in the couple days between the first familiarization with the course and his race, he’ll run through that course hundreds or even thousands of times in his mind. He’ll play out every inch of that course in his mind in slow-motion at first, and then faster and faster, over and over, until every neuron in his mind and cell in his body is prepared for that course.

    Okay, so a couple exercises:

    Role-playing for predictable experiences

    With some predictable experiences, say like a job interview, you can look up how such things work and find sample questions on the Internet, come up with some rote answers, and then practice your posture, demeanor, and lines hundreds of times. It’s even recommended to film yourself practicing, so that you can see yourself from the outside. In this case, it’s like the Olympic athlete running the course over and over in his head: It’s all very rote, and it works best for a standardized experience (like a job interview).

    Walk-throughs for unpredictable experiences

    With novel or unpredictable experiences, find someone knowledgeable and ask them to give you a walk-through. The idea here is that you are so unfamiliar with the situation that you don’t even know where to start; the entire experience seems like a monolithic obstacle. So you want to get someone (a coach, a mentor, a counselor, a specialist) to break it down for you and walk you through it. Knowledge is power.

    An acquaintance of mine was worried about a legal procedure; it turned out that she was terrified of being cross-examined in deposition. So I gave her a walk-through of some generic deposition questions and showed her how to handle those questions. With that info, she could start generating her own questions and answers relevant to her situation and feel fore-armed. (In the end, it turned out that she wasn’t deposed; but gaining that confidence that she could handle the procedure if needed allowed her to move forward with the legal procedure to a successful conclusion.)

    Another acquaintance of mine was a married mother with three very young children. She felt that she needed to separate or divorce from her husband, but she had no clue where to even start or whether she would spend the rest of her life in poverty, lose the kids, or what. So I told her what a divorce lawyer would want to know about her in the very first interview, then gave her a breakdown of a typical financial settlement with kids. It gave her confidence to go down and talk to a lawyer and start the separation process. (Ultimately they didn’t divorce; armed with info from the lawyer, she was able to confront her husband and push through enough changes that they could remain together.)

    Visualization and affirmation exercises for building upon past experiences that have gone poorly

    Visualization and affirmation (V&A) exercises are about getting a handle on a situation that has gone poorly by generating alternative scenarios and building useful rules from them.

    For example: Relax alone in a relaxed setting, remember back to an emotional incident during the day, and run a bunch of scenarios to visualize how you might handle the incident differently. In other words, replay the incident in your mind and feel the emotions that you felt at the time of the actual incident. Then use the V&A exercise to rewrite the script of what happened: practice assertiveness skills, determine where to establish personal boundaries, or whatever. Stephen Covey talks about V&A exercises in “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” (from Habit 2), and I have used his label for them.

    To sum up: These are just a few examples of mental exercises that one can use to build confidence. If you want more, then hit the self-help section of a good bookstore. Personally, I got a lot out of the book I mentioned in the last section: Stephen Covey’s “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.”

    As in much of life, success depends on how much work you want to put into these things. Any top athlete will tell you: More practice = more confidence = more success.

  4. #4
    Member NKC's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Magic Qwan View Post
    It seems like I put a lot of effort into things, but they still turn out very bad…

    Then I was dealing with anxiety over having to present myself perfectly for an interview. What if nobody ever likes me?

    Then, I'm so disorganized and forgetful…what if I make a horrible mistake somewhere?

    I know I'm not the only one with anxiety…
    Please, somebody give me advice on becoming more productive and confident…
    Sometimes anxiety stems from ADD, they kinda go hand in hand.

    1) notice what you're focusing on. Your focus is negative. You've already made up your mind. I'm not gonna change that. Question your thoughts. Ask, how is this going to help? It's not gonna help if you berate yourself. Be nice to you because at the end of the day, you're one who cares most. We are what we focus on(in any given moment). I hope you might entertain the idea of changing your focus.

    2). What if people don't like you: what if they don't? What will happen? You'll feel, what? Think about that. No one can MAKE you feel anything. You're in control of your thoughts and feelings. It's a manner of learning to manage your emotions, expectations, and addictions(which may include negative thoughts). Consider the antecedent (people not liking you). The behavior(your feeling if that happens) and the consequence(what happens next. Sometimes people unintentionally pander each other's insecurities. Don't let people coddle you. If your feeling sucks after someone doesn't like you. Ask yourself why? Did anything change? Chances are no. It's a manner of managing emotions then. Maybe. And this comes with practice.

    3) every day is practice. All moments are practice. Sometimes we go to soccer practice and we make mistakes and practice sucked. We come home beat and feeling defeated. Feelings are fleeting. Don't commit to them. Commit to your goals, the process of achieving them and the people in your life you love and care about. Everything else is more or less, commentary.

    4) you said you did better with pressure. You (I speculate) need structure. That's okay! Get books on goal setting. Get schedules and other tools to help you. Check out the App Store, lol! Make it fun!! Small winds(means mini alterations to routine brings big changes). I know this may sound silly but start small and choose one thing to establish. Like making your bed every morning. You'll feel better, or exercise. Make it a super small goal and then achieve it. Work from there.

    5) when you lose weight. You need to know your map. Your goal weight is where your going. Your current weight is where you're on the map. You make a game plan and commit. No one can commit for you. What's your goal ? Does it make you smile when you imagine achieving it? No? Consider that. If it makes you smile, focus on THAT. Not your fears of what if. Anxiety is future focused with fuzz. You need to clean your lens. Just opinion though. There's lots of other feedback here that's great too! It's like a bowl of fruit. Take the apple, leave the mango. Take the tools that work with you.

    Remember that gaining knowledge will reduce anxiety because you'll feel more prepared. Maybe start a thread inquiring about book recommendations for goals/organizing etc.

    Never commit to the problem. Commit to the process. Easy come, easy go. Make notes from things that click with you. It could be a quote or a picture of your goal. Use then as anchors for your mind to maintain focus on what you need, needs supersede wants so you can honestly know what you want. If you don't really know what you want, you'll never want what you have.

    Sorry if this is tl;dr. Currently stuck on the couch watching cartoons so was just throwing things out there haphazardly. :p
    There'd be no method if there were no madness ...

  5. #5
    Member NKC's Avatar
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    Btw. Fine lines advice were also very good exercises to keep in mind. If it's hard to focus on the image in your mind, consider changing environments to do it. Like take a walk in a forest preserve etc. just a thought.
    There'd be no method if there were no madness ...

  6. #6
    The Dark Lord The Wailing Specter's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by NKC View Post
    Sometimes anxiety stems from ADD, they kinda go hand in hand.

    1) notice what you're focusing on. Your focus is negative. You've already made up your mind. I'm not gonna change that. Question your thoughts. Ask, how is this going to help? It's not gonna help if you berate yourself. Be nice to you because at the end of the day, you're one who cares most. We are what we focus on(in any given moment). I hope you might entertain the idea of changing your focus.

    2). What if people don't like you: what if they don't? What will happen? You'll feel, what? Think about that. No one can MAKE you feel anything. You're in control of your thoughts and feelings. It's a manner of learning to manage your emotions, expectations, and addictions(which may include negative thoughts). Consider the antecedent (people not liking you). The behavior(your feeling if that happens) and the consequence(what happens next. Sometimes people unintentionally pander each other's insecurities. Don't let people coddle you. If your feeling sucks after someone doesn't like you. Ask yourself why? Did anything change? Chances are no. It's a manner of managing emotions then. Maybe. And this comes with practice.

    3) every day is practice. All moments are practice. Sometimes we go to soccer practice and we make mistakes and practice sucked. We come home beat and feeling defeated. Feelings are fleeting. Don't commit to them. Commit to your goals, the process of achieving them and the people in your life you love and care about. Everything else is more or less, commentary.

    4) you said you did better with pressure. You (I speculate) need structure. That's okay! Get books on goal setting. Get schedules and other tools to help you. Check out the App Store, lol! Make it fun!! Small winds(means mini alterations to routine brings big changes). I know this may sound silly but start small and choose one thing to establish. Like making your bed every morning. You'll feel better, or exercise. Make it a super small goal and then achieve it. Work from there.

    5) when you lose weight. You need to know your map. Your goal weight is where your going. Your current weight is where you're on the map. You make a game plan and commit. No one can commit for you. What's your goal ? Does it make you smile when you imagine achieving it? No? Consider that. If it makes you smile, focus on THAT. Not your fears of what if. Anxiety is future focused with fuzz. You need to clean your lens. Just opinion though. There's lots of other feedback here that's great too! It's like a bowl of fruit. Take the apple, leave the mango. Take the tools that work with you.

    Remember that gaining knowledge will reduce anxiety because you'll feel more prepared. Maybe start a thread inquiring about book recommendations for goals/organizing etc.

    Never commit to the problem. Commit to the process. Easy come, easy go. Make notes from things that click with you. It could be a quote or a picture of your goal. Use then as anchors for your mind to maintain focus on what you need, needs supersede wants so you can honestly know what you want. If you don't really know what you want, you'll never want what you have.

    Sorry if this is tl;dr. Currently stuck on the couch watching cartoons so was just throwing things out there haphazardly. :p
    Thank you.
    I try to plan for the future, but the future changes too much…
    Enneagram: 6w7 (phobic) > 2w1 > 9w1
    Alignment: Chaotic Neutral
    Holland Code: AIS
    Date of Birth: March 15, 1996
    Gender: Male
    Political Stance: Libertarian Liberal (Arizona School/Strong BHL)
    ATHEIST UNITARIAN UNIVERSALIST HUMANIST
    and
    SCIENCE ENTHUSIAST


    I say this as a reminder to myself, but this goes for everyone:

    You can achieve anything you set your mind to, and you are limited only by how dedicated you are to succeed!

    -Magic Qwan

  7. #7

    Default

    I relate to what you feel as I've been dealing with the same things my whole life... It's hard to find the inner security and stability, I think I really found it only once in my life. It was that short period of time, when something broke in me and I suddenly could accept myself the way I am. Without special questions, doubts, insecurities... You feel unperfect, the wolrd is made by unperfect people, the only key to happiness that exists in this world is accept who you are. Then the fog, the insecurity, the fear all can go away...I did it once, when I was 17 and it lasted for about an year. Now it's like more holding on a lost rope for me, but this is only the realy way that exists. And yes it might sound populistic as fuck and if someone would told me that crap I'd read it as an empty shit, but really this is my personal experience. I lived throught this and I did it...The only luck exists when you accept who you really are inside of yourself. And fuck off all MBTI, enneagram and socionics, 'cause it is not you. Only you can truly understand yourself.

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