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  1. #1
    Senior Member Forever_Jung's Avatar
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    Default ENFP's and Being Happy With Your Present Situation

    I wanted to ask advice from you ENFP's

    Basically I have this ENFP friend (I suspect she is 7w6 sx/so) who is perpetually dissatisfied with what she has in the present. Every guy she dates seriously, she loves a lot and would never actively cheat on them. That being said, when she IS committed to one person, she always feels like she is missing out on some sort of passionate romp with a Spanish painter who spends all his time humping and self-actualizing.

    So she never feels truly present to the relationship, and then she feels super guilty, because she really cares about her boyfriend, but she's always thinking: "is this IT?" By the same token she really wants to be in a mature, committed relationship, she's always dating these 9ish, very steady, very easygoing guys. And short-term, shallow, sex-oriented relationships do nothing for her.

    Anyway, she's going away to Nepal, and whenever she gets ready for trips, she starts thinking about all the issues she wants to get perspective on once she is actually travelling (she is constantly travelling/journalling/rubbing her meditation rocks, all that junk), and she's frustrated with her inability to just be in the moment and be happy with what she is, what she has, who she's with, in the moment.

    When I saw her today she was all in a tizzy, she's not sleeping well, and she's asking me for advice. Unfortunately, I've never really had a healthy relationship with a woman, so I'm not really in a position to give advice in that department (I'm actually trying get over HER, but that's a whole other story). I did my best, but I feel like I didn't help her much, aside from the active listening junk. Because REALLY, I think she should stay with this guy, they're really good together, even if he's a bit rough around the edges. It's just that she wants her relationship to be poetry, and she's disappointed that it's prose.

    It struck me as a very ENFP problem (especially ENFP 7's), so I was wondering if any of you guys can relate to that? And if so, have you grown/gotten past that? Are any of you in relatively happy and stable relationships? What kind of advice would YOU guys give your ENFP sister?

    Also, it might not be a type thing at all, so anyone else who has had similar problems feel free to chime in.

    Edit: if this needs to be put in personal threads, I apologize. I'm not opposed to this discussion taking on a more general, abstract turn. Just use my op as a starting point.

  2. #2
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    how freakin sweet are you asking for help on her love life even tho you're crushing on her. you infp people
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
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  3. #3
    Undisciplined Starry's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Forever_Jung View Post
    I wanted to ask advice from you ENFP's

    It struck me as a very ENFP problem (especially ENFP 7's), so I was wondering if any of you guys can relate to that? And if so, have you grown/gotten past that? Are any of you in relatively happy and stable relationships? What kind of advice would YOU guys give your ENFP sister?

    Hi F_J - I feel so happy to see you! I hope you are well. <-How's that for personal threads...(just now saw your edit? haha)

    The advice I would give her would be to start living in a total fantasy world inside of her head like I do...embellishing every moment into an enjoyable one

    Actually, I'll have to think about this one...I really did just want to say hi.
    This might be a 7w6 problem...I would assume most people would associate it with 7w6 idk...but I do not relate. I do have an ENFP 8w7 friend that is very much like this. She's growing out of it as she ages...

  4. #4
    Senior Member pinkgraffiti's Avatar
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    Yeah, I'm like that too (unfortunately). Even if I'm happy, once in a while I wonder: is this it? What if...?
    But I keep it more or less under control. I kinda like it, because it allows me to look at my life and think about my choices and change what i don't like, so that i keep true to myself. Of course if it gets out of control - which maybe is the case of your friend - then it can be a problem.
    I also understand the part of your friend wanting "poetry" but having "prose". When I feel like I'm too comfortable in my relationship, like every once or two weeks, I - even unconsciously - try to stir things up, or up the drama. I don't know if this is about being ENFP, type 7, sexual-dominant or a mix of all.
    I don't know what the solution is though. I guess the magical solution for ENFPs is to develop their Fi. I know that having INFPs around me really helps me with that. Pity she's not dating you

  5. #5
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    She aint ready for a relationship yet. Basically what she is doing is called the buffet-style - at least by me. It is a typical Ne/the grass is greener problem. She does not yet know what she wants in a guy, hence she is sampling to see whats out there. Once her Fi kicks in to filter out what it is she truly needs in a relationship, what she values and how someone else could compliment her, she'll find that commitment becomes a piece of cake. The same will be true in the rest of her life. Tell her to embrace the buffet style and enjoy the discovery - provided she doesnt harm people along the way and leave a slew of broken hearts in her wake, be fucking honest with people about this before they commit and put their heart into it - and actively contrast and compare what she is experiencing to find what she truly needs in life.

    With time, she'll find she is more comfortable with ditching certain options, and that the minimalist approach actually will give her peace of mind as she'll have exactly what she needs since she so carefully selected it and has weighed all her options. She will know she aint missing out and her life is tailored exactly to her specs
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  6. #6
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    Oh to answer the op tho

    I'm not really that way... I get all restless and antsy and dream if living in a different way in a different place and try to constantly figure out how to do that but its a separate thing from my relationship. They're included in the plans and I don't ever think they're to blame for my restlessness.
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
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  7. #7
    Senior Member Forever_Jung's Avatar
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    Hey guys! Hi Starry!

    Thank you very much for your replies.

    Unfortunately I have to go to work now, but I will check in tonight, and try to reply. Just didn't want to seem like I just started a thread and lost interest.

  8. #8
    Entertaining Cracker five sounds's Avatar
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    I definitely can relate to a restless feeling, and for caring deeply about people but feeling frustrated about my inability to be truly present.

    Do you know if she's ever had a passionate romp with someone kind of exotic? For me, I needed a couple of those to kind of get it out of my system and to confirm that it's not as satisfying as having a real connection in a real relationship. I like what Lady X said about including your significant other in your plans. I still fantasize about life's potential paths and adventures, but I know I have a man who is by my side, and it's even more exciting that way!

    I love that she contemplates what she wants to gain perspective on before she travels I totally do stuff like that. In my opinion, it's my trusty Te that helps me realize that everyone's flawed, nothing's perfect, and that if I were to keep ditching everyone and everything in pursuit of something better, I'd wind up alone with nothing. It's about finding adventure within the relationship, not outside of it.

    Also, I have to remind myself constantly that NOW is really the only reality. It's easy for me to live in the world of possibilities, but really, the present moment is all I have. If she's into meditation rocks and stuff, I'm sure she'll be right on board with that idea. From there it's a matter of practicing. I still get anxious or overwhelmed when I let my Ne spiral out of control, but I'm practicing bringing it back and wrangling it in.

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  9. #9
    Emperor/Dictator kyuuei's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Forever_Jung View Post
    I wanted to ask advice from you ENFP's

    Basically I have this ENFP friend (I suspect she is 7w6 sx/so) who is perpetually dissatisfied with what she has in the present. Every guy she dates seriously, she loves a lot and would never actively cheat on them. That being said, when she IS committed to one person, she always feels like she is missing out on some sort of passionate romp with a Spanish painter who spends all his time humping and self-actualizing.

    So she never feels truly present to the relationship, and then she feels super guilty, because she really cares about her boyfriend, but she's always thinking: "is this IT?" By the same token she really wants to be in a mature, committed relationship, she's always dating these 9ish, very steady, very easygoing guys. And short-term, shallow, sex-oriented relationships do nothing for her.

    Anyway, she's going away to Nepal, and whenever she gets ready for trips, she starts thinking about all the issues she wants to get perspective on once she is actually travelling (she is constantly travelling/journalling/rubbing her meditation rocks, all that junk), and she's frustrated with her inability to just be in the moment and be happy with what she is, what she has, who she's with, in the moment.

    When I saw her today she was all in a tizzy, she's not sleeping well, and she's asking me for advice. Unfortunately, I've never really had a healthy relationship with a woman, so I'm not really in a position to give advice in that department (I'm actually trying get over HER, but that's a whole other story). I did my best, but I feel like I didn't help her much, aside from the active listening junk. Because REALLY, I think she should stay with this guy, they're really good together, even if he's a bit rough around the edges. It's just that she wants her relationship to be poetry, and she's disappointed that it's prose.

    It struck me as a very ENFP problem (especially ENFP 7's), so I was wondering if any of you guys can relate to that? And if so, have you grown/gotten past that? Are any of you in relatively happy and stable relationships? What kind of advice would YOU guys give your ENFP sister?

    Also, it might not be a type thing at all, so anyone else who has had similar problems feel free to chime in.

    Edit: if this needs to be put in personal threads, I apologize. I'm not opposed to this discussion taking on a more general, abstract turn. Just use my op as a starting point.
    What Lady X said first. Really awesome approach to the situation on your part.

    And so.. There is a saying that I really like to use. "Don't bet on other people to make things happen for you." I think this applies to relationships as much as anything else. This comic explains it well:



    ENFPs are all about idealism.. and settling for what is good enough, it is a difficult thing to see ourselves doing. Like we're selling out, giving up, and just doing what everyone else is doing for the sake of it. Even if that is something we like to do (a career, a boyfriend/girlfriend, a particular city to live in...) whatever it is we're looking at. There is so much unknown out there that it is difficult to think that we found exactly what we need right where we are.

    But the reality is, people don't need as much as we think we do. We think there's this perfect thing out there for every aspect of our lives, and the truth is we really need to work with what we have, and if that isn't enough, then we need pull for what we need to work with.

    If she can't live in the present in any aspect of her life, I think she ought to look at what is truly making her unhappy. Is an uneventful town/city to blame, when she's traveled and seen more exciting venues? Is her career not fulfilling, and so she feels restless and useless herself and thus everything around her seems impatient and bland? Is her boyfriend TRULY the source of her discomfort? I highly doubt it.. usually we destroy our own relationships and regret it later because something else was bothering us. (In my particular case.. I realized not traveling was causing me more heartache than I knew, and I was destroying other aspects of my life as a result. In fixing this, I've reset my purposes and I'm on the track to being much happier than I was before. Making that a priority in my life helped a lot.. But I had to realize it wasn't my friends being jerks--they'd stayed the same. It was me who was growing impatient in general.)

    My philosophy is.. People divorce and separate all the time. No magical dude is going to show up in your life and fix all of your problems and solve all of your issues. Don't hold your breath and waste your time and happiness waiting for him. Be with who makes you happy until they no longer make you happy. Work hard for them, and expect them to work hard for you back, and if you meet someone you fall in love with along the way, have the courage and respect to tell them so. If you can't do that with someone you are unsure of.. you will sure fail at a relationship with someone you are sure of.
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  10. #10
    Senior Member Forever_Jung's Avatar
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    Before I started replying to the posts individually, I just wanted to thank everyone for the warm and thoughtful replies. I think you guys really hit the nail on the head here, you seemed to understand the problem very well. It makes me feel pretty confident that she is, in fact an ENFP.

    Also, I don’t mean to make this thread about me, but it felt good to hear some nice remarks about the way I was handling my feelings for her. She doesn’t know I feel this way (well she probably does, you Ne-doms are pretty perceptive) but I’ve never officially told her (I’ve never told anyone IRL). We have a wonderful friendship, and I wouldn’t want to mess it up, especially because this has been going on since I was 12, so it’d be a little weird to ‘fess up now. Anyway, enough about that! Just thought I'd acknowledge your nice comments.

    Quote Originally Posted by Starry View Post
    Hi F_J - I feel so happy to see you! I hope you are well. <-How's that for personal threads...(just now saw your edit? haha)
    The advice I would give her would be to start living in a total fantasy world inside of her head like I do...embellishing every moment into an enjoyable one :
    Actually, I'll have to think about this one...I really did just want to say hi.
    I’m glad you stopped in to say hi, Starry, I missed you. I’m doing really well lately, how are YOU making out?

    I hope we talk more in the future! Maybe we'll meet up at Z-Buck's blog

    This might be a 7w6 problem...I would assume most people would associate it with 7w6 idk...but I do not relate. I do have an ENFP 8w7 friend that is very much like this. She's growing out of it as she ages...
    It did occur to me that it might be a 7w6 thing (which is why I tossed in her enneatype just in case), but I figured a lot of ENFP’s are 7’s anyway, so one way or another the proper type would show up. I just prefer to frame things in terms of MBTI/JCF lately.

    Quote Originally Posted by pinkgraffiti View Post
    Yeah, I'm like that too (unfortunately). Even if I'm happy, once in a while I wonder: is this it? What if...?
    But I keep it more or less under control. I kinda like it, because it allows me to look at my life and think about my choices and change what i don't like, so that i keep true to myself. Of course if it gets out of control - which maybe is the case of your friend - then it can be a problem.
    I think in healthy doses, you're right, this is a positive thing. In fact, it’s one of the things I love about ENFP’s. I tend to get a little Howard Hughesy when left alone to brood too long. But then my ENFP buddy opens my blinds, takes me by my creepily long fingernailed hand, and suggests I get rid of the mason jars full of urine. Hyperbolically speaking, of course.

    That was a really weird way to express a compliment, but hopefully you understand what I'm saying. I think she just has to learn to dial it back and not pursue every single possibility she can fathom.

    I also understand the part of your friend wanting "poetry" but having "prose". When I feel like I'm too comfortable in my relationship, like every once or two weeks, I - even unconsciously - try to stir things up, or up the drama. I don't know if this is about being ENFP, type 7, sexual-dominant or a mix of all.
    She does that exact same thing! Every relationship that starts getting a little settled in and routine, she will just throw a wrench in the works. She’d rather it be painful than predictable.

    I don't know what the solution is though. I guess the magical solution for ENFPs is to develop their Fi. I know that having INFPs around me really helps me with that. Pity she's not dating you
    Haha yeah, I wanted to tell her to develop her Fi, but she’s not into MBTI. The types I gave are merely my guesses. Don’t you just wish you could explain things to your friends in typological terms? It’s harder to express some of these ideas with everyday language.

    Quote Originally Posted by Amargith View Post
    She aint ready for a relationship yet. Basically what she is doing is called the buffet-style - at least by me. It is a typical Ne/the grass is greener problem. She does not yet know what she wants in a guy, hence she is sampling to see whats out there. Once her Fi kicks in to filter out what it is she truly needs in a relationship, what she values and how someone else could compliment her, she'll find that commitment becomes a piece of cake. The same will be true in the rest of her life. Tell her to embrace the buffet style and enjoy the discovery - provided she doesnt harm people along the way and leave a slew of broken hearts in her wake, be fucking honest with people about this before they commit and put their heart into it - and actively contrast and compare what she is experiencing to find what she truly needs in life.
    With time, she'll find she is more comfortable with ditching certain options, and that the minimalist approach actually will give her peace of mind as she'll have exactly what she needs since she so carefully selected it and has weighed all her options. She will know she aint missing out and her life is tailored exactly to her specs
    Good point, I hadn’t considered that! My advice was to basically tell her to ignore her fantasies, and try to reflect on what’s great, what’s fulfilling about now. But she might not be mature enough yet to settle for one guy. She might be happier if she just explored her options while she was young, and then settled in once she realized the buffet is not where it’s at. She’s only 22, after all.

    That being said, it’s way too late to let this guy down easy now. They’re talking about getting a house together, and they share a puppy. And it’s not just like they have a pet, they’re verly clearly reherasing parenting roles.

    Quote Originally Posted by Lady X View Post
    I'm not really that way... I get all restless and antsy and dream if living in a different way in a different place and try to constantly figure out how to do that but its a separate thing from my relationship. They're included in the plans and I don't ever think they're to blame for my restlessness.
    I like this suggestion, it doesn’t involve chooisng adventure OR commitment, it combines the two. I think I’ll suggest this to her. She often frames her relationship in terms of “going on adventures with someone special”, so I think that idea would appeal to her.

    Quote Originally Posted by nicolita View Post
    Do you know if she's ever had a passionate romp with someone kind of exotic? For me, I needed a couple of those to kind of get it out of my system and to confirm that it's not as satisfying as having a real connection in a real relationship.
    Yeah, she has! She loves going down to Central/South America, and meeting those latino guys that tell her she’s beautiful like a thousand sunsets, blah, blah. She also has dated a string of British men, based on their accents alone. I think by now she realizes that novelty is not enough to sustain a meaningful relationship, but she’s a very passionate, impulsive person, so I think it’s hard for her to resist. I noticed she’s starting to grow out of that lately.

    I love that she contemplates what she wants to gain perspective on before she travels I totally do stuff like that. In my opinion, it's my trusty Te that helps me realize that everyone's flawed, nothing's perfect, and that if I were to keep ditching everyone and everything in pursuit of something better, I'd wind up alone with nothing. It's about finding adventure within the relationship, not outside of it.
    I agree! I was just telling her today that everyone is ugly and flawed when you get to know them, you just have to find the ugly defective person right for you ; )

    Also, I have to remind myself constantly that NOW is really the only reality. It's easy for me to live in the world of possibilities, but really, the present moment is all I have. If she's into meditation rocks and stuff, I'm sure she'll be right on board with that idea. From there it's a matter of practicing. I still get anxious or overwhelmed when I let my Ne spiral out of control, but I'm practicing bringing it back and wrangling it in.
    I like the way you put that, about now being the only reality. And yes, her and I are both on minor quests to become more mindful and present. She finds it super hard, but I think you’re right, it takes a lot of practice and discipline. She uses a lot of physical objects and talismans to ground herself.

    Quote Originally Posted by kyuuei View Post
    And so.. There is a saying that I really like to use. "Don't bet on other people to make things happen for you." I think this applies to relationships as much as anything else. This comic explains it well:

    ENFPs are all about idealism.. and settling for what is good enough, it is a difficult thing to see ourselves doing. Like we're selling out, giving up, and just doing what everyone else is doing for the sake of it. Even if that is something we like to do (a career, a boyfriend/girlfriend, a particular city to live in...) whatever it is we're looking at. There is so much unknown out there that it is difficult to think that we found exactly what we need right where we are.
    That is very apt, I love dinosaur comics!

    But the reality is, people don't need as much as we think we do. We think there's this perfect thing out there for every aspect of our lives, and the truth is we really need to work with what we have, and if that isn't enough, then we need pull for what we need to work with.
    If she can't live in the present in any aspect of her life, I think she ought to look at what is truly making her unhappy. Is an uneventful town/city to blame, when she's traveled and seen more exciting venues? Is her career not fulfilling, and so she feels restless and useless herself and thus everything around her seems impatient and bland? Is her boyfriend TRULY the source of her discomfort? I highly doubt it.. usually we destroy our own relationships and regret it later because something else was bothering us. (In my particular case.. I realized not traveling was causing me more heartache than I knew, and I was destroying other aspects of my life as a result. In fixing this, I've reset my purposes and I'm on the track to being much happier than I was before. Making that a priority in my life helped a lot.. But I had to realize it wasn't my friends being jerks--they'd stayed the same. It was me who was growing impatient in general.)
    Actually, she recently moved back to our crappy hometown and is working a job she doesn’t like, so there’s that. Maybe I’ll bring that up to her—she said she felt like she wasn’t living the life she was meant to live (she’s in that awkward, post arts degree phase).

    My philosophy is.. People divorce and separate all the time. No magical dude is going to show up in your life and fix all of your problems and solve all of your issues. Don't hold your breath and waste your time and happiness waiting for him. Be with who makes you happy until they no longer make you happy. Work hard for them, and expect them to work hard for you back, and if you meet someone you fall in love with along the way, have the courage and respect to tell them so. If you can't do that with someone you are unsure of.. you will sure fail at a relationship with someone you are sure of.
    Yeah, not to criticize her, but she’s definitely guilty of expecting her boyfriend to solve all her problems. She confided in me today that she caught herself thinking: “Why can’t [insert bf name here] just make me feel confident?” And then she realized how profoundly misguided that was. Deep down, she expects this perfect dude to use the power of passion to transmogrify her into her ultimate self, and they would make love on a higher plane of consciousness and then ascend to heaven. But on a more rational level, she realizes that is unrealistic and unfair.

    I really appreciate that you guys took the time to answer my plea! I'm definitely going to being using this stuff.

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