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  1. #11
    i love skylights's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lady X View Post
    how freakin sweet are you asking for help on her love life even tho you're crushing on her. you infp people
    Right?!
    @Forever_Jung - Yes, I can relate!

    In terms of growing through it, I think with time (Si?) I have come to realize more and more that when I look back on the past, the most meaningful and satisfying elements of my life are those that I have stuck with long enough for them to become an integral part of me. I try to look at it in less of a short-term view and more of a long-term: maybe I am not SUPER HYPER EXCITED about our relationship every single second, but when I look back on the year, it makes my heart glow. And in terms of the moments that are not so great, they are good opportunities for growth, for exercise of patience and compassion. Part of being in a long-term relationship I think is learning more "agape" love and less "eros" love, where agape love is more altruistic. I will connect to that more in a second.


    I am in a relatively happy and stable relationship, over 2 years at this point. Sort of funny, he is a steady, easygoing 9. I have had my fair share of questioning the relationship and as a 6 do hyperanalyze it fairly frequently. I actively questioned it a lot especially towards the end of our first year, when the honeymoon phase was ending and we were becoming less like excited, infatuated lovers and more like stable, constant partners. I think that is a natural transition, and there is still abundant spark between us, but it does make a big difference when, as you said (and nice metaphor!) the relationship is prose instead of poetry.

    I do not think I will ever be free of the next-best-thing disease, but I now I try more to orient myself towards looking for new experiences in concert with my commitments, if that makes sense. So, if I am feeling frustrated in the relationship, instead of emotionally distancing myself from my partner and seeking stimulation elsewhere, I try to figure out something for my partner and I do to bring us together and kindle some fire. We are naturally very different people, which is part of why we find each other so compelling, but it also means that we are not always hardwired in a way that will automatically do or be exactly what would be most pleasing to each other, and sometimes that connection has to be actively worked on. I think the NF mindset tends to be that if something is meant to be, it ought to fall together perfectly, and we tend to neglect the gritty legwork because it doesn't sound like part of the fairytale. But ENFPs love projects and get a huge emotional high out of anticipation, so plotting a big adventure with your partner is such an awesome solution. It redirects all those Ne pathways towards "ways I can be happy in this relationship" instead of "ways I could be happier outside this relationship".

    Quote Originally Posted by nicolita View Post
    It's about finding adventure within the relationship, not outside of it.
    Exactly! I think ENFPs tend to feel like "constraints" like "being with this one guy only" seriously limit possibility, but I feel like the actuality of it is that I'm so much happier doing many things with a close, committed, steady partner, that being in a relationship is way less a constraint than not being in one. Like maybe my boyfriend doesn't want to go on the ferris wheel at the fair, which I am super stoked about (bad example because he loves ferris wheels, but still -), but the truth is that I might not even be at the fair if it weren't for having him to go with me.

    The other helpful perspective to me is what I was mentioning before about altruism. It hit me one day that basing my emotional commitment to my partner on my moment-to-moment feelings of happiness is super... well... selfish. I do believe that I deserve to be happy and that I should not settle, but it is also very one-sided to value how meaningful my partner is to me based on whether the relationship is making me ecstatically happy all the time or not. I am trying harder to stop making it all about my happiness, because that just makes me miserable and it certainly doesn't help my boyfriend.

    So together, my two "weapons" against the threat of grass-is-greener syndrome are, one, creating a happy future together and not just being upset when it doesn't fall in my lap, and, two, stepping away from my obsessive focus on satisfaction and doing kind things for my partner without regard to my personal gain because I love him and want him to be happy.

    Good luck to your friend... and good luck to you... this is really sweet of you.

  2. #12
    Emperor/Dictator kyuuei's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Forever_Jung View Post
    Deep down, she expects this perfect dude to use the power of passion to transmogrify her into her ultimate self, and they would make love on a higher plane of consciousness and then ascend to heaven. But on a more rational level, she realizes that is unrealistic and unfair.
    Well, the truth is, when you meet someone that really makes you happy.. You tend to just BE more confident. You start liking who you are, because they like who you are. In a way, after a while, it does sort of fix some problems. It is why people seek relationships at all--they really do become a great asset to many. But, you really cannot ever get that expecting them to magically change you. You sort of end up changing yourself. You start to notice things you never noticed before, and try things you normally did not, for the sake of someone else. The work you put into a relationship is what makes the change. The relationship is a vehicle for one's own transformation, with the support of another going through the same process right there. Ideally speaking.

    If he could truly make her feel confident at the drop of a hat, then he could also make her feel like garbage. Or make her stop talking to all of her friends and family. Or make her participate in things she doesn't agree with. It's not that that's unrealistic--that happens all the time--it's just extremely unhealthy. I know that's not what she meant.. but it is important to see that side of the coin.
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  3. #13
    Senior Member AzulEyes's Avatar
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    I'm an ENFP 7 and I completely relate.
    She cannot help this.
    It will get better the older she gets and the more experiences she gets "out of her system."
    I always felt like I had this huge bucket list. Gotta do it ALL before I settled down.
    Settling down was difficult for me.
    But once in- I've been with the same person for 17 years.
    I do get that typical ENFP grass is always greener brain fart from time to time. But I put it in perspective.
    Typically someone will tell me the story of their horrible relationship or their sister's horrible relationship and I will realize, 'Damn! I am lucky!"
    ENFPs will always----- ponder possibilities. The wiring doesn't have it any other way.
    It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. ~e.e. cummings

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  4. #14
    The Dark Lord The Wailing Specter's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lady X View Post
    Oh to answer the op tho

    I'm not really that way... I get all restless and antsy and dream if living in a different way in a different place and try to constantly figure out how to do that but its a separate thing from my relationship. They're included in the plans and I don't ever think they're to blame for my restlessness.
    I'm like that.

    I think we ENFP's are just restless by nature.
    I took your advice to do something different, and it works very well for about half a day…
    Then I get angsty again…

    Thanks to your kind advice, I have a way to get away from my pain temporarily…
    Now, I'll be on here looking for something more permanent.
    Enneagram: 6w7 (phobic) > 2w1 > 9w1
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    I say this as a reminder to myself, but this goes for everyone:

    You can achieve anything you set your mind to, and you are limited only by how dedicated you are to succeed!

    -Magic Qwan

  5. #15
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Magic Qwan View Post
    I'm like that.

    I think we ENFP's are just restless by nature.
    I took your advice to do something different, and it works very well for about half a day…
    Then I get angsty again…

    Thanks to your kind advice, I have a way to get away from my pain temporarily…
    Now, I'll be on here looking for something more permanent.
    Good that's good to hear.
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
    -Jim Morrison

  6. #16
    Senior Member Forever_Jung's Avatar
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    Yo dudes, I have an update:

    I used most of your suggestions, and I think she liked them. She especially likes the idea of mutual adventures, including her boyfriend in her grand Ne schemes, etc.

    She was so convinced, that she abruptly abandoned our walk through a nature trail, and she literally ran back to the parking lot to call him and apologize (he really didn't understand for what, since this whole conflict has been in her mind), and now they're off on an intimate camping trip.

    Haven't really heard from her since that day in the nature trail, beyond reading facebook statuses, but everything seems positive, so I would say mission accomplished guys!

    Thanks for your help with my quandary, and thanks for shedding some light on the ENFP psyche.

    Quote Originally Posted by Magic Qwan View Post
    I'm like that.

    I think we ENFP's are just restless by nature.
    I took your advice to do something different, and it works very well for about half a day…
    Then I get angsty again…

    Thanks to your kind advice, I have a way to get away from my pain temporarily…
    Now, I'll be on here looking for something more permanent.
    I'm glad you've found some respite. If you come up with a more permanent solution, lemme in on the secret!

    Edit: Also @Lady X, I have watched the delightful gif in your signature like a hundred times now. What is that from?

  7. #17
    The Dark Lord The Wailing Specter's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Forever_Jung View Post
    Yo dudes, I have an update:

    I used most of your suggestions, and I think she liked them. She especially likes the idea of mutual adventures, including her boyfriend in her grand Ne schemes, etc.

    She was so convinced, that she abruptly abandoned our walk through a nature trail, and she literally ran back to the parking lot to call him and apologize (he really didn't understand for what, since this whole conflict has been in her mind), and now they're off on an intimate camping trip.

    Haven't really heard from her since that day in the nature trail, beyond reading facebook statuses, but everything seems positive, so I would say mission accomplished guys!

    Thanks for your help with my quandary, and thanks for shedding some light on the ENFP psyche.



    I'm glad you've found some respite. If you come up with a more permanent solution, lemme in on the secret!

    Edit: Also @Lady X, I have watched the delightful gif in your signature like a hundred times now. What is that from?
    OK, I definitely will let you know!

    On a very loosely related note...
    I've studied @The Great One, who told me I looked like an ENTP, and I think he is really an ENFP. I am calling him over to see if he relates to any of this...
    Enneagram: 6w7 (phobic) > 2w1 > 9w1
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    Date of Birth: March 15, 1996
    Gender: Male
    Political Stance: Libertarian Liberal (Arizona School/Strong BHL)
    ATHEIST UNITARIAN UNIVERSALIST HUMANIST
    and
    SCIENCE ENTHUSIAST


    I say this as a reminder to myself, but this goes for everyone:

    You can achieve anything you set your mind to, and you are limited only by how dedicated you are to succeed!

    -Magic Qwan

  8. #18
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Forever_Jung View Post
    Yo dudes, I have an update:

    I used most of your suggestions, and I think she liked them. She especially likes the idea of mutual adventures, including her boyfriend in her grand Ne schemes, etc.

    She was so convinced, that she abruptly abandoned our walk through a nature trail, and she literally ran back to the parking lot to call him and apologize (he really didn't understand for what, since this whole conflict has been in her mind), and now they're off on an intimate camping trip.

    Haven't really heard from her since that day in the nature trail, beyond reading facebook statuses, but everything seems positive, so I would say mission accomplished guys!

    Thanks for your help with my quandary, and thanks for shedding some light on the ENFP psyche.




    Edit: Also @Lady X, I have watched the delightful gif in your signature like a hundred times now. What is that from?
    okay...THAT is awesome! we never get updates around here it seems! haha

    and idk i think my bf saw it on some football forum or something. i love it but as much as i've been posting this week i'm sure people will be begging me to make it stop here in just a min!
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
    -Jim Morrison

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